To be aware this is going to kill me but seemingly be unable to stop

[fatfatfat]

I am really overweight. Historically this has never been the case. I was a skinny teenager and I used to have dinner ladies trying to fatten me up.

I had a pretty major trauma when I was 18 and I developed an eating disorder, which seems SO ironic now. In some ways it never really went away, although once I started FT work I did have to eat a bit more just to not draw adverse attention to myself. I remained quite underweight though.

The problem is, the last three years or so have been immensely stressful and my weight has ballooned. I had to get to a healthy weight in order to start a procedure and I was 9 and a half stone in 2013. I remember DH saying he thought that was a good weight for me. But then it just ballooned out of control.

Eating (and drinking) has become the thing I do, it's my absolute favourite. And obviously the more weight I've put on the worse it's got. None of my clothes fit. I don't go to places. I don't see people. I won't have my photo taken. All in all I am miserable as fuck ... so why the fuck can't I stop eating!?

DH, my own sister, MIL and a couple of friends have in various ways pulled me up on it, some gently and some not so. I've been reminded of the effect on my own children, that diabetes and a premature death may be the end result. But it also impacts on all our lives in a thousand different ways. DD was desperate for me to ride a horse alongside her but I wouldn't (I knew the owner would ask me how much I weighed and I wouldn't say and also didn't want the poor creature to collapse.) I won't go swimming with my children. Last weekend DD wanted me to go on a ride with her - it was only a carousel thing (she is 3) but it was one of those carriages you sit in and I knew I would struggle to get my fat arse in it! I barely see my friends. I pull out of social occasions because - honestly - I just can't find clothes.

I don't know why I am posting. Well, I want to start Monday. Again. But I'm so miserable.

Op I completely get you - counselling is shit. Why would I want to sit and talk to a stranger while they make notes and tilt their head? I went once after I was raped and I came out realising that while it works for some, it doesn't work for me. I did a Myers Briggs personality type thing at work and it became clear that my personality doesn't find counselling a helpful thing.

Weight is about food and you can only lose weight by having a calorie deficit. How you do this is by finding something that works for you. I've lost 1.5 stone since mid jan and I do low carb (which reduces my desire to binge) and calorie count/plan meals for the day on mfp. I plan on treats and snacks. I also set mini targets. Trying to lose 5 stone is daunting so go for getting into the 14 stones by x date etc. Keep a check on your eating disorder.

I second what someone said up thread about finding RH Fitness on Facebook and watching a few of his short videos. He talks about the danger of under eating and link to binging etc. You can join up but don't have to. This time next year you could be feeling completely different so use this as a starting point. Good luck.

Everyone is making very helpful suggestions about diet and exercise but to do so misses the important point that the OPs problem isn’t about how to lose weight. The OPs problem is that she has an eating disorder trigggered by trauma and at the moment is resistant to seeking medical help with this mental illness.

All the good advice about nutrition will not cure the OP, only accepting that the problem is stronger than she is and seeking the help she needs can do that.

As my previous posts on this thread have made very clear I have personal experience of this awful impasse when someone knows they are ill but resists offers of professional help.

All the good advice about nutrition will not cure the OP, only accepting that the problem is stronger than she is and seeking the help she needs can do that

Yup, we know. Just playing along.

I definitely agree with watching an episode —or season—of my 600lb life. It will either motivate you change your life or confirm what your future holds.
I’m short (5foot) and was up to 13 stone, yes I know I’m a long way off my 600lb life, but that show really bought it home to me that by doing nothing, nothing would change. I made a few small changes and as of this morning I weigh 11stone.
Small changes do make a big difference. There is a ton of help out there on the internet m in real life, slimming groups etc. You CAN do this, you’re just choosing the path of least resistance currently.

@whyohwhyowhydididoit

You've hit the nail on the head to you.

Please get help for your daughter's sake OP.

I have OCD which has affected my son so much & nearly led to divorce - it's mostly managed now but I wish I had done something sooner.

You’re morbidly obese
You have children
You’re likely to get a weight-related condition
Your weight seriously and negatively impacts on your quality of life
Your children will soon realise that you don’t do lots of things because of you weight. They may well think you prioritise food over them.
Your weight may well result in early death.

You’re not willing to consider options that have worked for people (counselling)
You won’t put your family out for 1/2 hours a week so you could attend counselling
You say you don’t have the money for gym / pt

So stuck with what you’re doing then. Gorging on food and arguing on mumsnet

I came out realising that while it works for some, it doesn't work for me.

But you gave it a shot (albeit only once and it could well have been that your therapist simply wasn’t right for you). The OP hasn’t given it a shot and in fact doesn’t even seem to believe that it has worked for any one and instead is simply a con

You do still have an eating disorder, clue is in the word disorder.
Not ordered, controlled or making sense.
I think you need to accept that you do need help if you want things to change. It doesn't have to be face to face counselling - it could be online support groups, over the phone counselling etc.
You should also acknowledge the emotion you feel before, during and after eating. Take a note of this- this may tell you why you are in a cycle.
It almost seems a reverse of the control you felt with anorexia, you feel like you have no control so why even bother?

@fatfatfat after reading the thread and your replies, I don't think you're ready yet to make any changes.

A great first step would be to stop beating yourself up; forgive yourself that you have an issue with food (you're certainly not alone) and you're trying the best you can, at the moment.

Nothing will change until you're ready to implement the changes, I'm sure if you started a new thread in the future when you're feeling stronger that you may be able to take on board more advice.

I only say this as I've been where you are, and I certainly recognise where you're at, mentally, at the moment.

Best of luck

@fatfatfat

Ok, so don't have counselling.

But what you DO need is to work through your unhealthy (emotionally) attitude to food.

You can do this by talking to someone or you can do it for yourself by accessing information online such as through BEAT or MIND (for starters.)

The issue seems to be that you are standing with your fingers in your ears, not wanting to admit to yourself that you have an ED.

Are you ashamed? Is mental health something you are afraid of dealing with?

I don't think the advice here about slimming world etc etc is right for you now at the moment.

What you do need to do is get to the root of why food has this place in your life.

What is it a substitute for?
Is it a means of self-abuse (punishing yourself)?
Or maybe a way of being in control (reverse anorexia) because you feel out of control?
Is it defiance in some way?

These are the Qs you need to spend time on, then you can start controlling your food intake.

Have you considered a gastric sleeve ?

I had one myself . Used to weigh over 15 stone and only 5ft 2 ( bmi 38 almost 39)
Now weigh 8st 4 lbs and a size 8

I did pay privately but lots have it done through nhs

Hi op, if you're still here (I'm not going to suggest councelling)

I'm concerned with you not eating in the day and then gorging as this sounds like type 2 diabetes waiting to happen.

When you don't eat during the day is that a conscious choice as surely you must feel hungry?

I think in honesty you still have an eating disorder of sorts but more info needed.

@starsparkle08 if you have weight loss surgery on the NHS, counselling/ psychological input is a key component of the overall treatment regime. Is it the same for private surgery?

You seem to want to get thinner, not better and that is a huge issue.

My step sister died at 42 from a massive heart attack, my step brother at 52 from the same. Both unhealthy and overweight.

If you knew you would die next week if nothing changed, what would you be willing to do?

Give the OP a break, she only posted 6 hours ago! We are talking YEARS of self abuse here, years of layers worth. Give her time to read, digest and act upon a couple of things.

OP, just take a few days to read a few links suggested and possibly plan a lovely day out over the bank holiday weekend to get that valuable quality time with your children (if you're not working, I was in all over Easter).

It looks like internet support is what may work for you, have a read about and try to find a few groups that may work for you, but beware of ones that may trigger you and encourage problems.

Be kind to yourself, you have come on here today and said 'help me', do not underestimate what a big step that is, it is the first step to recovery. I wish you the very best of luck op and hope you find a way that works for you.

@threekidswasdefinitelytoomany

No privately I didn’t have any counselling or psychological input . I have long history of mental health problems and been under the cmht . I told surgeon this and if he needed more information but he did not . I was made aware of all the risks though as all patients are and also had time with a dietician who I continue to see for 2 years . This will end at the end of this year when I will be two years post op .

Going privately is very different . I’m on some support groups and those going nhs route have to jump lots of hurdles before surgery .

Fortunately I was able to borrow money to go privately as I had got to a stage where I was desperate

Op I completely get you - counselling is shit.

No, it isn’t. Just because you didn’t get on with it, doesn’t make it shit.

@fatfatfat Ok, for whatever reason you refuse to consider counselling. That’s your choice, but by ignoring every single pp who tells you that therapy can be accessed free at point of use on the NHS, I can fully see why people are getting frustrated. We’re 260+ messages on and you’re still saying it will cost you £50 a session. IT WON’T.

I will say it again. Your overeating and your weight are symptoms. You need to address the cause. Otherwise nothing will ever change.

Finally, by starving yourself all day and then bingeing in the evening is never going to work. Your metabolism is slowing down because it doesn’t think you’re going to get food. Then you overeat in the evenings and your body can’t burn any energy.

Everything in moderation, portion control, 3 medium or 6 small meals a day and plenty of water. Eat breakfast every single morning without fail.

But until you’re ready to listen to people and stop making excuses why you won’t address the underlying cause, you won’t change anything. You were brave posting here in the first place so carry that on and start listening with an open mind.

Hi OP. How about online groups? I'm a recovering alcoholic and was a single parent for many years, which restricted my ability to get to any sort of counselling sessions/meetings. Online support has been invaluable for me. A poster above gave you a link to OE who will do this sort of thing. You can do online meetings in the evening or just group chat and say as much or as little as you want (or nothing even). You can likely get mentors/sponsors or similar to work with individually. The "OE poster" (sorry I can't find that post now) might advise on that.

I personally can see a lot of parallels between disordered eating/addiction to food and alcoholism. I have a lot of sympathy for over-eating as at least I can live in an alcohol-free environment and avoid the stuff entirely if I choose. Same cannot be said for food, obviously, so it really must be one of the toughest addictions or disorders to break. I don't have to develop a "healthy relationship to alcohol" - I just have to never put it in my mouth ever again for as long as I live. I also have a lot of underlying issues I am dealing with though and I'm fully aware that if I don't that my chances of relapsing are so much greater. It's the same for you if you don't address the emotional issues behind everything.

I agree with other posters who have cautioned about diet groups like WW/SW though. Or perhaps not so much caution, but just to have an awareness of what you're doing if you go that route to get the weight off. They will help with the symptoms, which is your binge eating at the moment and you likely will lose weight, but it's not addressing the cause and all evidence points to eventually regaining the weight or worse if you don't deal with the underlying issues.

Sorry, I've rambled. But my main point was that if individual counselling is not for you, perhaps group support might be something you would consider.

The bottom line is that many health problems can be fixed. If the drinker stopped drinking, fat person ate less, unfit person took exercise. My doc said people take long term medication for a week and decide it doesn't agree with them and want something else.
So it's overcoming the psychological barrier that stops you doing what you know you should do to fix things that is the prob. Or at least admitting that there is a psychological barrier which is there and it isn't bad luck or an obscure hormonal anomaly that is yet to be discovered that is the problem. I guess that means you (not specifically the OP but in the wider sense) are the problem rather than the illness being the problem...hmmm

Well good luck with it, but I can't see things improving you don't get help.

I am working, with small children too so understand about the days being tied up, but I still have a lunch break or can go somewhere on the way home from work or use my annual leave if I needed it.

Good luck anyway whatever you do.

@BrightSpells

It was for me. I had a severe eating disorder, and I couldn't see anyway that I could break the habit.

The book helped me to separate my desire to binge (and purge) from my higher conscious desires, and understand it was something I'd effectively trained my 'animal brain' to think was necessary for survival. It gave clear practical advice on what you need to do to break that cycle.

The other thing I found really useful was that it was clear that it only addresses Binge eating. It doesn't solve all your emotional issues and it doesn't mean you'll suddenly have a perfect relationship with food. It takes the pressure off because you can deal with that one specific issue without feeling like you need to overcome all your problems in order to get better.

It 'cured' me of a devastatingly destructive illness virtually overnight. I still have other emotional issues (which I am receiving therapy for) and I don't eat perfectly, but I am completely free of binging and purging and that is hugely liberating.

You're not keen on counselling and that's fine. It's not for everyone. It would be good for you to engage in a clinical, evidence-based process of some kind but these come in many different forms, can be entirely self-led, and ultimately it really is up to you.

From what you've said, one key factor maintaining the binge-eating behaviour in the evenings is the prolonged fasting in the earlier part of the day. Presumably the fasting happens to try to compensate for the overeating the night before?

Establishing a pattern of planned, regular eating throughout the day should help reduce this particular trigger to binge. You should also examine your binge days for other triggers to overeat e.g. tired/stressed from work, high levels of negative emotions etc. and put in place plans to help reduce these. You might find keeping a diary of intake and emotions helpful in identifying these triggers - and you could do this before you try and implement any changes, so you know what your baseline is.

The second thing to look at is your over-valuation of weight, shape, eating and their control as indices of your self-worth. Coupled with your heightened attempted dietary restraint and restriction (as evidenced in the fasting behaviours - and as present throughout your life in various forms) these are core psychological factors keeping your difficulties going.

There are some decent resources on this website that walk you through approaching these aspects of your thoughts - have a look at some of the work sheets and see what you make of them:
www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/Resources/Looking-After-Yourself/Disordered-Eating

Ultimately unless these psychological aspects are addressed somehow - and there are myriad different ways to do this - it will be more difficult for you to attain and sustain a weight that is right and healthy for you.

Ask your Gp to refer you to Tier 3 weight loss pathway. Some manage it but for those who don't then Sleeve or Gastric Bypass are good, scientifically evaluated options. Not for everyone but if you have health problems related to the weight then worth exploring.

@whyohwhyowhydididoit

I think you have got this right, but it's tricky because the OP does not believe in counselling but does say they think talking is helpful. And yet in my experience, that's exactly what counselling is - talking. So I'm confused! Perhaps there is a context we're missing from the picture here? Perhaps OP has had indirect experience of counselling that has angered/upset them or put them off?

I know some people feel seeking professional help (rather than chatting on MN) makes it more "real" and it becomes and even bigger thing to deal with. There's many a person who has resisted going to the GPs over worries because they don't want to know the reality in case it really is something big to worry about (I'm talking physical symptoms here). Mental health is still seen by some as a big taboo, and scary too.

Our local health authority run a year long group which combines dietary advice, cbt and discussion around upping exercise. It's free and starts weekly, and gradually goes down to monthly. In our area , you need to do this if you want bariatric surgery. (Not suggesting it as a solution but shows how seriously they take it) Most of us lost 2-3 stone. Some of it was a bit OTT but clearly did something right. That needs a GP referral.

Maybe starting with a chat with the GP is actually a good thing, even if it doesn't feel like it