Buckle up - it's another CF neighbour thread!

[grincheux]

I'm in the UK. My lovely 70-something parents have a home on a quiet leafy cul-de-sac in a seaside town mostly inhabited by, well, other 70-somethings. They've lived abroad for many many years (away with the Army then settled there) ad have decided to start spending more time in the UK, living in their house whilst here and then eventually coming back permanently. At the moment they're still kind of 50-50 between places. I also rented the house from them for years before they decided to start increasing the amount of time they spent over here, so it was very much my home as well. Though I live up the road now, I still check on my parents house a couple of times a week, take the post in, say hello to the neighbours, that sort of thing.

Last year their next door neighbour (the hermit-y one who we never saw) passed away. The two-bed bungalow next door was sold to a couple from out of town who give the Wormwoods from Matilda a run for their money - and have two teenagers. They have since added a huge extension with windows overlooking my parents' garden - but that's probably the least of our worries at the moment from what my nice neighbours on the other side told me this evening. MNers, please advise...

1. The cul-de-sac has a turning circle at the end. They have adopted this as their own private car park, meaning that cars, deliveries and ambulances can't turn around. They've been spoken to numerous times about it by the neighbours and continue to do it, despite the fact that every house on the street has a three-car driveway and there is ample roadside parking.

1. They have knocked the fence down between theirs and my parents' front garden and piled it up on my parents' front lawn. Their dog now runs through the hedge and uses my parents' front garden as a toilet. also I may have trod in poo earlier and emotions escalated quickly

1. My parents have an apple tree in the front garden which the wife has been quite vocal about letting herself in and helping herself to "for her horses" once it's ready. My mum asked her not to. Nice NDN told her not to. She's still been seen in the garden casing the tree.

1. They had a party a few weeks ago and asked nice NDNs if their friends could park their cars on my parents' driveway. There is ample roadside parking, it's a cul-de-sac with no double yellows. Nice NDNs laughed and thought she was joking... Turns out Mrs Wormwood was serious. Nice NDN said "no, you can't park on their drive, that's someone's house!". Mrs Wormwood's response was "yeah but they're not there. Can we use your driveway instead then?"

1. They don't have planning permission for the extension they've built which has turned a two-bed bungalow into a four-bed house with a yoga studio yes yes I know, please stay with me, I promise this is all real and new windows which overlook my parents' garden and directly into the master bedroom. We called the council when it was first put up but nothing was done about it.

I don't think IABU to think they can't carry on like this... but WWYD?!

I think I need to start a new thread with all the recent developments on this one! 😂

Grincheux - please spill! You can't just leave it there

Did the snake arrive?

Don't leave us hanging

Please tell all!!

Three hours of suspense OP! 🐍

Ok.

Last week the snake arrived. My assessment on eBay of what constituted a lifelike rubber snake was indeed accurate. I did, however, forget to factor in my massive fucking phobia of snakes, assuming that "because it's not real it'll be fiiine".

How wrong I was. DP opened it and threw the horrible 130cm black serpent onto our living room floor. I screamed, burst into tears, fell up the stairs and damaged my shoulder. I suppose this is what some people may refer to as 'karma' for plotting against the neighbours in the first place but I'm choosing to disregard it

As I was barely able to look at let alone touch the vile rubber beast, DP (aside: who really is a darling - can we just give him a round of applause for playing along with this and never quashing my questionable ideas) was tasked with positioning the snake in the front garden.

We went to the house to help ourselves to gardening implements pick up the post and check on things, and DP deposited the reptile. He sort of coiled it climbing the roots of the tree, it really was marvellous. We had a good old cackle at our efforts and went back indoors to finish up, guffawing that "we simply must get a photo of that on the way out fnar fnar fnar"...

Hahahahahahahahaha!!!!! I just woke the whole street up laughing at that!!!!!

If only you had a WiFi camera recording that tree... 🌳🐍

But you forgot the photo op?

Any luck with the council re: the turning circle and planning permission?

Just... Things very rarely go my way. While we were buggering about in the back garden about an hour later, all hell sounded like it was breaking loose next door.

There was banging, shouting, screaming, and what sounded like pots and pans being thrown. DP and I dropped our twigs (we were putting firewood in the garage, it makes sense, stay with me) and listened in.

"FUCK! FUCK FUCK!! SNAAAAKE!!! SNAKE, SNAKE DANNY, SNAAAKE!!!"

Followed by cries of "STAND BACK! OH MY GOD! STAY AWAY IT LOOKS POISONOUS!"

The whole family sounded involved. We were confused, to say the least. The commotion was coming from inside their house - or we would maybe have been able to assume that they were in the front garden having a cheeky scrump. As DP and I looked at each other puzzled, they continued:

"Drop it! That's it, drop it Beau, let it go, NO STAY THERE BEAU, STAY THERE, GOOD BOY, DROP IT!"

...And just like that, it all fell into place. The dog had come next door for a shit and seen the snake, thought it looked like good fun, and ran back into next door's house with 1.3 metres of black snake flailing about in it's mouth.

The dog must have dropped it at some point, because the screaming stopped and a conversation about whether or not it was dead and who they should call to get rid of it ensued.

DP and I deliberated. On one hand, this was fucking hilarious. On the other, my £5.99 rubber snake was now in their house, not protecting my parents' apples.

This where DP ascended into a whole new league of legend. Cool, calm and confident, he went round and knocked on their front door and asked if everything was alright. "We were doing some gardening and couldn't help but hear something was the matter!"

The neighbours explained the situation. DP offered to have a look. I stood dumbly in their doorway and watched him put on a BAFTA-winning performance of approaching the snake, telling them all to get back, pouncing on it, picking it up by the head, and walking it out the front door while giving it a little shake to make it look like it was twitching. They now think he's some kind of hero.

Best £5.99 I ever spent.

The other neighbours in the street all signed a shittogram to them asking them not to park in the turning place and it hasn't been a problem since!

I also reported them to the dog warden for the poo problem, and though he said he couldn't do much because it was on private property he did say he'd go round there and have a word.

This thread is awesome!

Just woke ds up laughing 😂

Omg your OH is a legend 😂😂😂😂😂 very well done!

If you get the cheap WiFi, make sure you rename it "my neighbours are CF's who steal apples, let their dog shit and take the piss". Every time they log in to their WiFi they'll see it. So will the rest of the cul-de-sac and everyone will know who it's aimed at

I'm trying to post a pic of the snake for you but I'm on the mobile app - help!!

I love that WiFi name, you must do that 😂

And as for the snake 😂😂😂😂

God I really hope this is genuine! Best CF revenge ever.

Oh I was so hoping for an update of this calibre! How's your shoulder by the way?

Brilliant! Well done.
Had some bad news today and you have cheered me up no end.

I'd put a sign on the tree stating that it had been sprayed with pesticide, that will stop the apple thieving.

@mehaveit my shoulder is getting there, thank you!

@travelledtheworld I'm sorry you had some bad news today. I'm glad my rubber snake and I made you smile

Some folks just don't get it, and no amount of reasoning will get the message across. Of course what you absolutely shouldn't do is buy a small pack of half-inch-long roofing felt nails, the ones with the flat round head, and stick some through a piece of cardboard. And NEVER pop out in the small hours and place them under their car tyres, this has the same effect as a spike strip used by the police. That would be a truly awful thing to do, wouldn't it?