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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be a bit sad that my parents didn't push me more as a child?

377 replies

Cleopatramanuf · 25/04/2019 09:45

I've been reflecting on everything lately and feel a bit sad, like I've missed out on things which I could have been really great at and enjoyed.

For example, in primary school, I was very good at athletics. I was always chosen to represent my school at athletics competitions and would often get through to the final against the best other kids in the (very large) county and win. My sports teacher at the time was always telling me and my parents that I have great aptitude and that I should really keep up athletics after leaving primary school. My high school didn't have any athletics and so I asked my parents if I could go to one out of school. They agreed but I was very shy and came home and told them that I enjoyed it but felt shy. Rather than encouraging me to keep going, my mum just said 'oh well, you should quit then, no fun to be doing it on your own'. Now I wish she'd encouraged me to stick at it, I could have done really well!

Another thing, gymnastics as a child. I loved it. My mum stopped taking me because the centre was a bit grimy. I begged her to let me carry on but she just said no after that rather than looking for a different centre for me to go to.

Another example, I went to a cycling velodrome as a kid with a friend's parent and won loads of the races. The instructor came up to my friend's mum specifically to tell her that I showed real possibility and should go back. When she told my mum, my mum just scoffed and said 'bet they say that to all the kids' and left it there. I never got to go back.

A further one, when I was studying for my GCSEs, I told her that I wanted to be either a doctor or a vet. She immediately told me that I wasn't clever enough for that which really demotivated me when revising. I still did very well and in hindsight, with her encouragement, would have had a very good chance of getting into these careers. I am actually pretty bright!

There's so many similar examples and whenever I watch competitions or videos of all these people talking about their life or competing at a high level, I get a twinge of sadness that that maybe could have been me. I feel sad that she didn't push me to develop my talents and encourage me to reach my goals.

OP posts:
fluorescentorange · 25/04/2019 12:16

This is one of the most irritating posts I've ever read.

I think so too.

I didn't push my children academically, but i did push them too much with their athletics and they both gave up at 15. Damn it they could have been Mo Farrah and Paula Radcliffe now, making a mint and living in Monte Carlo. They gave up because I got on their nerves forcing them to go to training. A parent can't seem to win with entitled kids who feel the world and his wife owe them something.

TheBulb · 25/04/2019 12:17

My son does something aged 7 at a reasonably high level. It requires enormous parental support not to mention money. However while he’s good he’s not a prodigy and while it may be his career he’s never going to be an international superstar at it. So why do we support him? Because HE loves it. Because HE gets enjoyment from it. If he didn’t he wouldn’t practise 2+ hours a day with little encouragement. He gets pleasure from it and to facilitate that is also my job as a parent.

That's a comparatively privileged, middle-class, child-centric view of what your 'job as a parent' is, though. Some people don't see that as part of parenting. For some people it's economically impossible, or it puts too much pressure on other parts of family life, or makes siblings' lives difficult.

My seven year old's best friend has two older siblings who play county level tennis -- every weekend is spent by both parents driving them (separately, as they're different age categories) to training and tournaments, and DS's friend spends her weekends largely in the car or sitting courtside with one parent, and I honestly don't think that's great for her.

incogneto · 25/04/2019 12:18

Yup, totally know how you feel. My parents took literally 0 interest in what I wanted to do/did, so I made my own way and have now ended up doing something as a job that I don't really care about.

Agree that with some support I could have taken a different path. That being said I am still young and can undertake a different career path after I've had my DC.

It's never too late to follow your dreams OP. I know that sounds a bit cringe but it is true Thanks

Uzicorn · 25/04/2019 12:18

YANBU, OP. I agree, I don't know why you're getting all this snark.

I think some people have fixated on the athletics example rather than your whole OP.

I don't blame my own parents as they just had no idea what opportunities are available to me, as those opportunities were never available to them. But with you, it sounds like your mum was deliberately trying to clip your wings Sad

I do resent my school/careers advisor for not explaining the importance of graduate schemes. I've managed without, but my local comp was dire in pushing for the best for its kids. I had some of the best exam results but was given zero information on what I do.

In fact, I was encouraged to do my work experience in a hairdressers or morgue Hmm

Hecketyheck · 25/04/2019 12:18

Just to say you are definitely NOT too late, certainly for cycling. Get yourself involved in a club and read up on the likes of Svein Tuft - who dropped out of school at 15 and went off travelling. He was not hot housed but had natural talent.

I'm sorry you didn't have the encouragement from your parents but don't let that stop you know. Do it despite them, not because of them.

Backinthebox · 25/04/2019 12:21

Right. OP, there is no way that you can go back and change anything that has happened. So stop dwelling on the past and consider how you can go on from where you are now. It’s not true to say that you can’t succeed with a career change or a sport ambition once you are into your twenties, however it is a fact that it is harder to start from there but not impossible.

I changed my career in my mid-twenties to follow a career most people view as an impossibily difficult career to get in to. Sheer bloody-minded determination was the main driving factor that got me there. As a child I’d wanted to be a vet forever but was told when I was about 16 that I wasn’t clever enough. I had no idea what to do after that and spent the next 8 years with a vague sense of disappointment that I had not got where I wanted to. One nothing-job sent me on a training course abroad and the captain on the flight was a woman. I made the sudden decision that that was what I wanted to do. Everyone, not just my parents but EVERYONE told me that it was an even more ridiculous ambition than wanting to be a vet. 2 years later at the age of 26 I piloted my first passenger jet.

So if you want to change career, research it, work out how to do it, and then go after it like a dog with a bone. Keep at it, explore the funding opportunities, work out how you can acheive it, what the timescales are, and go for it.

But.... if it is sporting success you want, it is unlikely that you will be able to acheive sporting success and a career change at the same time. In your mid twenties though there is every reason to expect that with the same sheer hard work, dedication, commitment of time and all your resources, and - most importantly - the right sort of sport for someone to take up in their 20s there is no reason why you couldn’t represent your country. I know of numerous examples where people have taken up a sport late but with incredible success.

To start with, if you want to represent your country, you are right, you are past it for gymnastics and sprinting or pole vaulting. There is no reason though that you cannot take these up and thoroughly enjoy them. But if you want to win, to be recognised for your sporting successes, take up a target sport, or a skill sport or an endurance sport. All of these are sports well populated with older people who continue to improve as they get older. The article Villanellsproudmum linked to above set some of these out perfectly.

I have a friend, she went to a country fair and took part in a ‘have a go’ clay pigeon shooting competition. It was the first time in her life she had held a gun, but she shot well enough that she was given a wildcard to a newcomers competition and a voucher for some training. 5 years later, in her late 30s, she is lady’s champion in her country and is on her national team. She’s travelled the world and met her husband through clay pigeon shooting, but she works and trains bloody hard for it.

I took up a niche equestrian endurance/skill sport 2 years ago in my 40s and was 2nd nationally at it last year. I was beaten by a woman in her 60s, who was more skilled than me. I intend to go back and become national champion, and my ambition is by my 50s to be on the British team and represent my country. It’s not going to make me famous or my living, but I gain a great deal of satisfaction from doing it and doing it well. In between I take part in unusual races - I’ve been very briefly shown on TV (including The One Show and the BBC and ITV news) several times this year in races I took part in between other competitions.

I know people who’ve climbed Everest, who are world gliding champions, world aerobatic champions, champions in show horses at the Horse of the Year Show and Royal International Horse Show. People who sail around the world, kite surfing champions, someone who rode the 1000 mile Mongolian Derby, ultramarathon winners, Ironman triathlon winners, wannabe Channel swimmers (married to that one, actually, and at age 45 he doesn’t see why he shouldn’t acheive that with time and training.) None of the things above would have been likely with any childhood pushing around. These are things they’ve done for themselves as adults.

You are in your 20s. Do you have children yet? It’s not impossible to change direction if you have, but certainly easier. You have so much time and ability to drive your life in the direction you want it to go. Decide what matters most to you and then go for it. Don’t look back at the things that never happened for you, that will drag you backwards. Look forwards and take it from here, now.

Springisallaround · 25/04/2019 12:22

There are sports which you can come to later in life. As someone said, triathalon and endurance racing, another is rowing. You can get really very far in rowing if you don't mind the 6 day a week training!

I agree your parents didn't necessarily see your potential- but lots of people went to med school even against their parents advice. I am not sure if you are a people pleaser and that is more of a problem than not being encouraged. My friends who went to med school just announced they were doing it- one worked p/t for 6 years to fund it, applied twice as failed the first time, another went back after a different first degree and did their exams on top of a consultancy job (similar to what you have), another did graduate entry aged 40 after a career in the forces.

There are still a lot of options, this isn't about your parents now (not denying it's a shame they didn't perhaps pursue some of these things when you were little).

blackfriars · 25/04/2019 12:22

I found this thread really interesting. My parents struggled for money all their lives so have always pushed my sister and I really hard academically and encouraged us to strive for jobs that would pay well. We have ended up as a lawyer and an accountant.

I often wonder how things would have been different if:

a) they hadn't pushed us; or
b) I had been really creative naturally and wanted to be a painter or a dancer, for example (I was very musical at school but this was always seen as a hobby and never a career option by my parents)

Am I a lawyer because of the direction my parents pushed me in or was this likely to have happened anyway? Would I get on so well with my parents if I had pursued a more creative career?

Goes back to the whole nurture/nature thing I guess.

These are just ponderings...I like my life and am happy with the choices I have made. I'm also incredibly grateful to my parents for the interest they took in my education. Just interesting to consider. Anyway, back in my box.

EmeraldShamrock · 25/04/2019 12:24

I don't think they were abusive, I honestly believe many great athletes or high achievers are born with the drive and the determination to achieve. Myou DD gives up on things to easy, I pushed her to continue her drama and choir, she left both, told the teacher it was over.
Her personality is very relaxed, placid and shy.
I don't think a 40ft truck could stop DS, if I didn't have the money, he'd train in a field.
You are so young, create a list of achievements and start, my friend is 36, she was never athletic, she started in a cycling group, she is a different person.

itsnotso · 25/04/2019 12:25

Did they have the money? There were lots of things my brother and I wanted to do, but my parents didn't have the funds. Now my girls are doing gymnastics, singing and dancing, I can understand why!!

PotolBabu · 25/04/2019 12:26

Isnt the statistic that nearly 30% of the Olympic GB team is privately educated? I mean parental wealth and encouragement and opportunities are a huge factor. Anybody denying that is kidding themselves. If you can’t afford it, you can’t. There are many ways to be a good parent. But if you can and your child is begging you, then saying no just for the sake of it (and there are indeed disinterested parents in the world) is frankly cruel.

M4J4 · 25/04/2019 12:27

@EmeraldShamrock

I don't think they were abusive I honestly believe many great athletes or high achievers are born with the drive and the determination to achieve.

This isn't helpful. OP has said her parents were emotionally abusive, it's probably taken her time to come to that realisation so it's not helpful to doubt her.

She hasn't said they're abusive because they didn't take her to athletics.

EmeraldShamrock · 25/04/2019 12:27

It sounds like your DM wasn't very confident, she probably rubbed it off on you, some people find it easier to retreat. Flowers
Life is ever changing, go back training be the runner you want. No excuses.

fitzbilly · 25/04/2019 12:33

This makes for interesting reading.

I have a teen who hates sport or anything physical. I encouraged him and have him amazing opportunities from a young age ( in climbing funnily enough, he was climbing from the age of 2, really good by the age of 4) we climbed as a family all the time, as well as lots of cycling and running, and he quit all climbing and sport by the age of 8, hates it now and days we pushed him too much.

I often wonder if his attitude would be different if he hadn't been doing it from so young (being pushed into it basically) and we had been more blasé about sport.

I don't know. I guess as a parent you can't win.

duckduckgoose2 · 25/04/2019 12:34

Yes I agree drive is somewhat innate - my dh’s parents tried to talk him out of graduate study because he already had a safe job - they meant well but were misguided and he ignored them.

fitzbilly · 25/04/2019 12:36

Also op, if you do climbing don't call it rock climbing or you'll sound like a newb Wink. It's just climbing. Indoor climbing/bouldering, or outdoor bouldering, sport climbing or trad climbing. And I hope you enjoy it, is amazing!

fluro · 25/04/2019 12:36

I really wanted to do gymnastics as a child but my mother wouldn't take me. She had two other children to look after and it was a hassle.

When I was 35 I started doing a hobby similar to gymanstics. I've often wished I had developed more skills earlier, but now, at 40, I have gotten pretty good - not just for someone who started at my age but for anyone doing it as a hobby. More importantly, I was able to find a hobby I loved to keep me happy in my 30s and 40 - something that gives me a sense of achievement as I learn new skills. I have kept fit, and strong and active and developed a supportive social circle. If I had done all this as a younger person, maybe I wouldn't have this love for it now? Or maybe my body would be worn out, as seems to happen to some people who do a lot of sport when young.

EmeraldShamrock · 25/04/2019 12:38

M4J4
I apologise. I am sorry OP I did not mean to be dismissive towards your experience. Your must be a very intelligent person to even consider medicine. You are a young lady with the world at your feet. My DPs were similar never encourage school, nothing to do after school.
When I started a hairdressing apprentice, I was so excited, Dad said you have asthma and your very clumsy. I held onto the comment for years, I only remembered it there, I did leave after a year, but now I realise my Dad is an ignorant twat, he speaks before he thinks.
My point is you will forget bury the comments.
Achieving great things will help. Flowers

Cleopatramanuf · 25/04/2019 12:39

@fluro can I ask what sport you do? It sounds great!

OP posts:
MsTSwift · 25/04/2019 12:40

While I sympathise to some extent it’s pretty hard being a parent. If she pushed you you could have ended up resenting that as pp cite damage caused by pushy parents!

Dh got to Cambridge under his own steam state school and baffled parents who both left school at 16. He said from 14 he knew he was on his own and did it all himself. He realised quickly his parents weren’t up to it. Some of the teachers at his school were very supportive though as most of their pupils went into farming or hairdressing nothing wrong with that but different skill set to dh

soulrunner · 25/04/2019 12:44

If you were good at athletics and gymnastics, consider CrossFit. Hardly anyone starts as a kid. I get where you’re coming from OP. Chances are you wouldn’t have got an Olympic medal as it’s a big funnel but always nice to be given the option. And totally agree with PP that parental engagement and facilitation is critical. Yes the person needs self- motivation but they also need funds and transport.

Bouledeneige · 25/04/2019 12:47

If only. Its my parents fault.... They should've, could've....

Yes we all have regrets. I could've gone to dance school. I could've continued with my stage career. But I didn't. It was down to me. I was scared and not brave enough and no one pushed me. Fine. My parents were short of cash and my Mum had her hands full looking after a lot of children. I never went to see the ballet, or dance, or went to art galleries (things I now love to do) and I didn't pursue some sports I was good at.

But now I am in charge of my own life. I am responsible for me and my own motivation. And you are too. You are in your 20s and can do anything! You are only just beginning! There are plenty of sports you can learn and excel at if you put your mind to it. You were surrounded by fantastic facilities at university - did you make the most of them? If not. don't blame your parents.

You now need to give yourself permission to work and try really hard. To take on responsibility for your own life. Don't waste a moment more of your energy on blaming your parents - use that energy to amazing effect now and for the future.

Karwomannghia · 25/04/2019 12:50

Yes I do think they should have supported you more particularly if you were shy. They didn’t help you develop the skills to overcome that. However, and I admit I’m not into sport at all, I just feel so sorry for kids pushed into training for hours everyday to get to the top of their sport and only a slim chance of making it. Plus the travel and disruption to family life. Its not a balanced way to be and can affect your physical health long term. I think hobbies and enjoyment are better and the good news is you’ve got your whole life ahead of you to do what you like, go for it! And you’ve got the insight to make sure you parent your own children the way you would have liked.

Bouledeneige · 25/04/2019 12:51

And as a parent I can honestly say i have failed my kids in millions of ways. But I have loved and believed in them and tried to support them.

But you know even the most dedicated supportive parents have teenage kids who drop out or give up on their given sport because it requires dedication and commitment just as the hormones start wanting to go to parties and flirt and sleep in late and laze around. So don't imagine for one minute that even if you had been encouraged it would've all been down to your parents. In the end those that succeed have supportive parents but also a lot of grit and dedication - something we all have as adults if we choose to use it. Now's your chance to see what you are capable of.

WillGymForPizza · 25/04/2019 12:52

I sort of get you OP. I was quite tomboyish as a child, and desperately wanted to do a particular sport that my DB was involved in. It was in fairness quite a rough and tumble sport, but there were other girls in the team and it was only at junior level so not that bad really. My parents wouldn't even let me have a go because in their mind it wasn't girls sport.

This was over 25 years ago and it still pisses me off now.

Neither of us was ever pushed though. DB had a talent and was offered the chance to go away to pursue it as a teenager and DM sabotaged it. I was also talked out of gong away to Uni, and stayed locally. This is all a whole other thread though. DM lives through us and can't handle I still not being close by...

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