To be a bit sad that my parents didn't push me more as a child?

[Cleopatramanuf]

I've been reflecting on everything lately and feel a bit sad, like I've missed out on things which I could have been really great at and enjoyed.

For example, in primary school, I was very good at athletics. I was always chosen to represent my school at athletics competitions and would often get through to the final against the best other kids in the (very large) county and win. My sports teacher at the time was always telling me and my parents that I have great aptitude and that I should really keep up athletics after leaving primary school. My high school didn't have any athletics and so I asked my parents if I could go to one out of school. They agreed but I was very shy and came home and told them that I enjoyed it but felt shy. Rather than encouraging me to keep going, my mum just said 'oh well, you should quit then, no fun to be doing it on your own'. Now I wish she'd encouraged me to stick at it, I could have done really well!

Another thing, gymnastics as a child. I loved it. My mum stopped taking me because the centre was a bit grimy. I begged her to let me carry on but she just said no after that rather than looking for a different centre for me to go to.

Another example, I went to a cycling velodrome as a kid with a friend's parent and won loads of the races. The instructor came up to my friend's mum specifically to tell her that I showed real possibility and should go back. When she told my mum, my mum just scoffed and said 'bet they say that to all the kids' and left it there. I never got to go back.

A further one, when I was studying for my GCSEs, I told her that I wanted to be either a doctor or a vet. She immediately told me that I wasn't clever enough for that which really demotivated me when revising. I still did very well and in hindsight, with her encouragement, would have had a very good chance of getting into these careers. I am actually pretty bright!

There's so many similar examples and whenever I watch competitions or videos of all these people talking about their life or competing at a high level, I get a twinge of sadness that that maybe could have been me. I feel sad that she didn't push me to develop my talents and encourage me to reach my goals.

Ok. So my daughter is on an elite pathway for gymnastics. She's only 6 and currently trains 12 hours a week (often more in holidays)

I would 100% say she cannot do this without our support. We do a 30 mile round trip to take her to training 3 times a week. It's fairly boring for me sitting there for hours at a time, but I do it because she loves it, she has talent and she wants to do it.

It's highly unlikely she will ever 'make' it. However, what we are giving her is an experience of drive, determination, hard work etc etc.

I actually think it's down to selfish parents when kids don't succeed. I have put my own hobbies on hold, it's her chance. My son is always doing really well at gymastics and basically it's our life now.

On the flip side, my parents let me do loads of things recreationally. They think it's brilliant she has a chance to do something as a high level but it does come with personal cost to parents. I could have been an amazing ice skater, I know for sure, and when I mentioned this to my Mum (as an adult!) she did confess I was 'talent spotted' but they simply didn't have the money or time for me to do it (rink was an hour away from home and I had siblings)

I would say MOST parents aren't prepared for this sacrifice. So you're not alone. C'est la vie!

Doesn't stop you taking up a hobby now or changing career now. Very very few people are elite in anything.

Everyone is brought up differently. I feel for those PP whose parents actively stopped them going to Uni or followed up on real talent. I can sort of identify with you OP, my parents were not abusive but lacked the education and understanding ( and maybe motivation) to support me in the paths I chose. They didn’t encourage hobbies ( money?), if I aged 6 didn’t want to go to ballet / brownies / clubs once they didn’t take me again. They moved away and arranged for me to lodge with friends in the 6 months leading to my O Levels , then moved me to another area and school for A levels all of which was disruptive and DID affect my results. I don’t think they know what was involved. I didn’t get into Uni - but did get into a Poly ( showing my age). That wasnt good enough though (they told me that) even though neither of them had been to Uni. I have never matched up to what they wanted, BUT never once did they offer practical help or support instead chose to tell me what I Should / Must / Ought to do. When you are a child some of these things are IMPOSSIBLE as you don’t have the resources to access them.....
in the longer term I did well, being sponsored by a large multinational in my final degree year, guaranteed job, company paid for post grad qualifications which kickstarted my professional career, so it’s worked well. I still have low confidence in my ability - my parents and DM in particular would always refer to friends DC as ‘high fliers’ and ‘ going places’ when I was doing well in my career, they just couldn’t see it.
Very sorry, long post , it made me reflect on my unbringing more than I thought!

For you, in essence, it’s not too late OP, make a plan and go for it.

If you’re a consultant what’s stopping you living on beans for a year and self funding through uni?
I think the biggest disservice your parents have given you, is leaving you with an attitude that you could have been a contender if only someone else has done more for you.

op I really sympathise. I think your parents were not great and certainly didn't give even an apathetic level of encouragement to you. You did deserve better from them.

I think you can look to the future now. If someone you used to beat is training now for selection then you can to. There have been many athletes that have peaked in there 30s and even 40s recently. There are even olympic gymnasts that still compete at that level in that age range.

If you have the natural physical talent then there is absolutely no reason not to try yourself out in several sports and see where your aptitude takes you.

There can be many advantages to learning a new sport as an adult - you pick up skills really quickly and don;t have a heap of ingrained bad habits to unlearn.

If you have explosive speed and gymnastic ability then polevault might be possible? Multi-eventers tend to mature later also...so why not consider that?

My parents were rather similar (although I wasn't remotely sporty!) because they were both from very poor backgrounds where no-one learned to play instruments or go to sports clubs. It literally wasn't on their radar, and so I don't blame them. I do sometimes wish I had been encouraged to keep on with violin, though.

OH and agree with this 100%....

How do half of you think Andy Murray became one of the best tennis players in the world? It wasn't through inate talent that would have shone through regardless. It was because his parents encouraged him at every turn, ultimately sending him to school in Spain so he could receive top coaching.

Yet there might be any number of people, with better inate talent at tennis than Murray, whose parents said "No, I'm not paying for a racket. No, I'm not driving you across town to the tennis courts nor am I paying for lessons. Go do your homework instead". And if Andy Murray's parents had said that to him, Andy Murray would now be a shelf-stacker. No amount of "drive" in an 8-year-old can make up for the help you need that only parents can provide.

Ratatatouille, you make the most sense.

"If you really wanted to do something then you would have found a way to do it" - How does an 8 or 9 year old found a way to get themselves to the sports centre, against their parents wishes, then paid for all the activities!

Maybe. But you could have been more motivated yourself too. It’s not reasonable, though it is easy, to carry on blaming other people when you’re an adult. If you were that interested, you would have taken things into your own hands when you were 16/18 with a part time job to finance your interests.
Please, don’t be one of those people who goes through life blaming all of their would have/should have/could haves on everyone but themselves. You’ll look back in decades and regret not trying.

I did a 4 year spell in the big 4 after graduating btw op, it has its downsides, long hours, stressful tight deadlines, work that isn't rewarding and an environment that isn't supportive with regard to the relationship with the clients, not co-workers.

It was valuable experience for the rest of my career but I became a lot more optimistic when I moved on - completely unsubstantiated value judgment here, but I worked with a lot of people that really valued money and achievement and not the real achievement of being a success in what you really want to be a success in.

Your posts say again and again that you haven't achieved against your own definition of success and that's why you're looking backward for cause, rather than forward for solutions (and confirming the goal that will equate to success for you).

you might want to follow Paul coehlo on twitter, he's good at motivation for giving up on negative thoughts

@Langrish 16/18 is already many years too late for gymnastics and many other sports.

But I am taking things into my own hands, after reading the inspirational comments on this thread about how I am not too late, I have signed up for taster sessions at the velodrome and an athletics club. I'm looking for an adult's gymnastics taster class too. Thank you to all those who encouraged me!

“Isnt the statistic that nearly 30% of the Olympic GB team is privately educated?”

I don’t know if that is true, but if it is it means that 70% of the GB Team are state school educated.

I’ve just remembered tha Lizzy Yarnold (whose mother competes in the same sport I do) won an Olympic gold in Skeleton. She was in her 20s when she first tried skeleton.

Most of us won’t acheive these successes though - not because our parents didn’t push us but because most people don’t have the immense drive to keep pushing forwards.

I get you op! I had a similar upbringing. Wasn’t allowed to do gymnastics because it stunts your growth.
Wanted piano lessons but my dad would never have the time to teach me and they wouldn’t pay for any other lessons. I taught myself to a point but it’s hard without the right guidance.
I wanted to go dancing, but I was too clumsy.
I had no confidence as a child and sticking up to emotionally difficult parents is not easy.

I grew up feeling like I was useless. Didn’t go to uni because I wouldn’t have been clever enough, despite having reasonably good GCSEs and a levels.

But I’ve achieved loads as an adult and I look back now and and think the best two fingers I can stick up at my parents is being a better parent than them.

My children won’t be like me. They’ll be actively encourage and I will do whatever it takes to boost their confidence and give them the encouragement they need to succeed in whatever they wish to succeed in.

It's sad that your mum discouraged you so much OP but I think the thing is to look forward and think of ways you could enjoy those activities now

Yes @duckduck, I definitely plan to leave consulting as I don't find it fulfilling or particularly enjoyable. There's lots of different careers which appeal to me so I need to try to get some work experience in each one to help me figure out where to go next!

Not to be rude but if your parents loved you and didn't leave you with crippling mental health issues you have to battle with everyday, try and appreciate that.

Laughing at all the "at 7 you could have become an elite gymnast all by yourself with no parental support if you just had a bit of gumption". Sure she could. The reaction to the OP makes me wonder if there are a lot of posters who recognise their own parenting style in the OP's parents.

OP, maybe you did have real aptitude and if born into a different family, would have been pushed and encouraged and might be competing at a high level today. At the least you'd have had the enjoyment of working hard at something you are good at. But it is worth remembering that many people don't get to the commonwealth games despite aptitude and training - one injury and you are out. And even for those who do get there, the majority don't win and aren't noticed much.

you are very early 20s - you can have a very competitive athletic career even now - join an athletics club and see what happens. Figure out what you want to do professsionally and go for it.

But I don't think this is really about the athletics. I think this is wrapped up in your feelings about your mother and your childhood generally and is part of you as an adult now trying to unravel what it was really like. I can't remember if you said you are having some counselling but I think it might be helpful for you to have a safe place to talk about your feelings - that place is not AIBU.

namechange OP has already said she has been in counselling to recover from her mother's emotional abuse. Not a lot to be grateful for there.

I have a lot of sympathy for OP. I was quite a bright child, and was offered the chance to sit the scholarship test for the grammar school, but was encouraged not to. I went to the local crappy comp, where I was horribly bullied for the fact of being bright. I ended up with low self esteem, dropped out at 15, and ended up having two babies in my teens. I do sometimes wonder what would have happened if I’d taken that different road at age 11. But all you can do is try to come to terms with things, and move forward.

@NameChange, not sure how you think you know that. My mother was emotionally abusive in general and I have suffered eating disorders, anxiety and depression as a result. Counselling has helped, its just the lost opportunities which still make me sad but I am going to get out there and give them a shot!

'It’s still perfectly natural for some children not to be outgoing though, and it has no bearing on their interest or aptitude for something. Sometimes kids need a bit of encouragement and coaching to grow their confidence. That’s parenting.'

Ratatouille, well said. A child may say they don't want to continue an activity for any number of reasons - for eg, a disinterested teacher , wrong choice of instrument or sport, but they may not be able to vocalize it well. That doesn't mean they don't have an aptitude or interest in the activity itself. It is up to a parent to encourage them and find out what truly rocks their boat and then to provide access to that activity if possible.

From your OP, your parents did start you in a club after primary school to continue your athletics. I get when you felt shy and choose to give up, they could have encouraged you to stay, they probably thought they were doing the right thing as you were starting puberty etc. It is hard to know the right choice when it comes to your childs wants. It is a mini minefield.
My DD is a recluse, other than school. I feel terrible for forcing her out, I feel terrible to allowing her sit in. Either way she'll have an issue with it, it is a real bone of contention.

what about trampolining? If you were good a gymnastics you'll pick that up in no time!

I would love to write a book. I had a bit of a shock when I saw that a friend from school had published his first novel. I had been brighter, wittier, more articulate and got A grades - he had not.

But then I gave my head a wobble and realised that the years that I had spent working in another field, being a parent and getting a postgraduate qualification were the same years that he had spent surrounding himself with books by working in the book industry, studying creative writing and actually writing the damn book.

Forgive and forget your lost opportunities.
Write the damn book.

I would 100% say she cannot do this without our support. We do a 30 mile round trip to take her to training 3 times a week. It's fairly boring for me sitting there for hours at a time, but I do it because she loves it, she has talent and she wants to do it.

I don't disagree with anything you are saying, but it's important to note that many, many parents cannot or would not chose to do this.

And there's nothing unusual about that, let alone abusive or neglectful. Supporting a child achieving a high level in sport is an enormous commitment. Not everyone has the means to do it or thinks that the sacrifice is worth it. That's not 'selfish', it might be realistic, or thinking about family needs as a whole.

While I think the OP's parents could have done more, I don't think it's a healthy or realistic expectation that parents make huge sacrifices for a child's hobbies or interests.

Not that you're at this stage yet, but I've seen US TV documentaries where the family relocates across the country and splits the family up to pursue one child's sporting goals. No way would I contemplate something like that.