To be a bit sad that my parents didn't push me more as a child?

[Cleopatramanuf]

I've been reflecting on everything lately and feel a bit sad, like I've missed out on things which I could have been really great at and enjoyed.

For example, in primary school, I was very good at athletics. I was always chosen to represent my school at athletics competitions and would often get through to the final against the best other kids in the (very large) county and win. My sports teacher at the time was always telling me and my parents that I have great aptitude and that I should really keep up athletics after leaving primary school. My high school didn't have any athletics and so I asked my parents if I could go to one out of school. They agreed but I was very shy and came home and told them that I enjoyed it but felt shy. Rather than encouraging me to keep going, my mum just said 'oh well, you should quit then, no fun to be doing it on your own'. Now I wish she'd encouraged me to stick at it, I could have done really well!

Another thing, gymnastics as a child. I loved it. My mum stopped taking me because the centre was a bit grimy. I begged her to let me carry on but she just said no after that rather than looking for a different centre for me to go to.

Another example, I went to a cycling velodrome as a kid with a friend's parent and won loads of the races. The instructor came up to my friend's mum specifically to tell her that I showed real possibility and should go back. When she told my mum, my mum just scoffed and said 'bet they say that to all the kids' and left it there. I never got to go back.

A further one, when I was studying for my GCSEs, I told her that I wanted to be either a doctor or a vet. She immediately told me that I wasn't clever enough for that which really demotivated me when revising. I still did very well and in hindsight, with her encouragement, would have had a very good chance of getting into these careers. I am actually pretty bright!

There's so many similar examples and whenever I watch competitions or videos of all these people talking about their life or competing at a high level, I get a twinge of sadness that that maybe could have been me. I feel sad that she didn't push me to develop my talents and encourage me to reach my goals.

@Green OP said she begged her parents to let her continue.

Successful people are often successful because their parents gave them a hand. Poverty of ambition is a dreadful thing - parents saying things like 'Oh I don't know about maths, you don't need it' or the OP's example of just not finding another sports centre.

Yes, you can still be successful but it is like doing it with one hand tied behind your back compared to the people who were ferried round activities and told their artwork was amazing and encouraged to keep going when they were shy.

How exactly is the OP supposed to have achieved in athletics if her mum wouldn't take her to the track? Or gymnastics if she didn't have a coach? It's just mean to say a child would have made it if she was tougher. Or maybe all those rich kids at private schools who dominate really are tougher after all

OP, you have realised something very valuable and you are only in your twenties. Go out and try and get the opportunities you didn't have as a child. They may not turn out exactly the same but they will be better as you are older, wiser and they are all your achievements.

Sounds like they actively sabotaged you tbh!

I hope you can still find enjoyment from some of these things as hobbies.

Ooo also OP, if you like rock climbing, hire a guide and try some mountaineering (ie either long Welsh/Scottish scrambling routes, or winter/alpine stuff) - it's amazing!

You could have at 17, or 27, or 37. But you didn’t. You preferred to allow your defeatist attitude to hold you back. Of course you didn’t actually need to go to gymnastics classes to develop your skill either. You clearly just have a personality type that prefers to be led (most of us do fair enough but most of us get over it at some point and start self motivating instead of constantly bemoaning that no one else facilitated our growth).

@boggles I was forbidden from getting a job by my emotionally abusive mother until I went to university. How was I supposed to pay for gymnastics classes at 17? Besides, 17 is far too old to begin if you want to become professional!

I'm also quite a bit younger than 27 so that doesn't work. I have pushed myself in other ways as an adult and have achieved very well in those areas. I'm only now just looking back wistfully at what could have been.

A further one, when I was studying for my GCSEs, I told her that I wanted to be either a doctor or a vet.

If, and its a big "ish" If.. you WANT to do then then there is no reason why you shouldn't.

Quite how you go about that is beyond my know how but the modern day digital enquire within that is MN will give you some good advice!.

People older than you can and do qualify.

Good luck in your quest and just get on with it Dr Cleo to be:-)

@Anna I agree with everything you have said, great response!

@AnnaMagani coming from that ‘rich private school’ background which I dragged myself into I can say that they are actually tougher and the ones who aren’t fail just as much. I do t know whether it is genetic or learnedbut success comes down to strength of character and you get a lot of strong characters in these places. I think it must be partially genetic and partially a result of cherry picking (these schools only accept childrennthey think will succeed) and also partially asa result of learned behaviour that children witness in their peers. Don’t get me wrong, some of the rich girls I went to school with crashed and burned. They were the ones who had pushy parents coincidentally. Those of us who made our own way have been very successful. I don’t push my children as a result (although I do provide them with with more opportunities than my parents did) because I am mindful that their privilege doesn’t weaken them. You either push yourself and reach your full poibtial or you hold others responsible for your life and achieve nothing. That’s how life works. Pushy parents merely delay the inevitable.

Again @Boggles, do tell me how a 7 year old can get to and pay for sports coaching themselves. This is the age you have to have started really to reach professional level! All the motivation in the world will get you nowhere as a child if you have no parental support to get you there!

Learn and encourage your own children.

I've a friend good at athletics at school but brought up by a single parent who couldn't drive. One day we were watching the London Marathon and she commented that her school records still stood and hadn't been broken, so we both joined a running club as a result of that conversation. She is still a club runner but both children took it up and one is exceptional now.

Many children my age didn't get opportunities (just as you didn't) but because they were very difficult to access "in our time" from poor comprehensive schooling. Like you, I've done OK, but I learned from it to bring my children up with a "can do anything" and "follow your passion" and so its transferred as a positive to them.

Your life is what it is and its not very much different from lots of others. Well done for doing well. Use this knowledge and experience when you are a parent/aunt/uncle!

I agree with you when you say I do think it is basic parenting to encourage a child to try things a few times before quitting because they're shy!

I think they really let you down. But now you need to move on and make the best of it.

There’s really very, very little point in looking back. You wanted your emotionally abusive mum to push you more? You may have ended up broken.

Be thankful, look forward and go hard after what you want and don’t blame others as they don’t care and it won’t change anything.

My nieces and nephews about your age are always blaming their parents, it really isn’t serving any of them either.

Sympathy about gymnastics as obviously you couldn’t take yourself. However you don’t know if there was another reason. These classes are very expensive and it’s possible that your parents couldn’t afford it.

On athletics you can’t blame them. They found you a club. You went. Said that you didn’t know anyone and didn’t want to go back. So they didn’t force you. If you actually enjoyed it why on earth didn’t you carry on.

As you get older you realise that although parents may not have always done the best in every single situation, you cannot blame them for your failings.

If you want to change something about your life only you can change it

I know what you mean OP, but I think it is a bit OTT to actually feel sad about it. We are all affected by our parents' childraising style or lack thereof, whether they are too pushy or not pushy enough for our taste. Just as we are affected by their income, the country we're born in, our genes, etc. etc. I think you just have to make the most of what you do have, focus on the positives.

I started doing piano lessons as a child, but wasn't pushed at all, and I kind of got the wrong end of the stick about how music worked. I thought I should be able to read music like I could read a book (which I found very easy), and was put off when I couldn't do that instantly. I remember I had learned a piece off by heart, and played it, but then someone said "Oh, she's just memorised it!" and I felt ashamed, thought I was rubbish at music. I said I didn't want any more lessons and noone asked why or tried to make me continue.

As an adult I remembered not being pushed and thought I should be more pushy with my own children, but that turned out to be much harder than I thought. For example, what subjects do you push them in? Do you focus on sports - if so, which? Then what if they turn out not to even like sports; should you have been training them as opera singers all along? Ballet? Maths? There are so many things. My ex assumed our son would be sporty and good at maths like him. I thought he'd be musical. Turns out he's sporty and musical but not especially good at maths. He also loves cooking. How do you know?

Also, my ex's family are a lot pushier than me. I thought it would be good for the kids, as that side of the family has several high achievers so obviously (I thought) know how to do it. Years later, my son had therapy for anxiety and spent most of the time, by the sound of it, working on the fact that his dad's side of the family put him under constant pressure and are never satisfied.

Meanwhile, I did get both children to continue doing piano lessons, though in my "less pushy" way - getting them teachers we all thought were nice, and letting them learn at their own pace. My daughter learned to a high level, but it's just a hobby for her. My son is also not bad, but less interested. All those years of private lessons but still neither is in the Carnegie Hall .

I never told them I didn't want to go back. I said I enjoyed it but felt a bit awkward because I didn't know anyone. Their response was essentially 'no point carrying on then', active discouragement

You are right that behind every world class sports person is a very dedicated family that pushed them there. They couldn't have done it alone.

However, you are not the only child who's parents couldn't or wouldn't take them to gym club etc. It's a huge dedication for parents to ferry kids around to clubs and tornaments/competitions. It's also very expensive, so perhaps your parents wanted to do other things with their time and money.

You can buy a bike, join a club etc, nothing it stopping you now.

But you could still have carried on.

At eleven you would have known what they were like. And that they are clearly not encouraging people.

So easy to look back and blame your parents for everything. My parents were pushy but made me do activities I had zero talent in and didn't enjoy (music and dancing). Due to circumstances my eldest child missed a lot of opportunities that would've been good for her. I did what I thought was best in the situation at the time, as my parents probably did, as do the majority of parents.

We all make mistakes, it's sounds like your parents did, but you are so young and need to own your life and future yourself

Great post from @AnnaMagnani

I think it’s really sad when parents actively discourage their children. Being a parent should be all about exposing your children to as many opportunities as you possible can, rather than shutting doors and narrowing their life.

My parents were just right with me, never super pushy but always encouraging and facilitated hobbies and sports. I’m not amazing at anything, but I’m competent and enjoy lots of hobbies/sports I still take part in today.

It also gave me a good grounding in being a join-in type of person and I’ll seek out a club and join something now as an adult if I want to.

tough call

my parents pushed me as a teenager

I think it might be why I'm so fecking lazy now....

Oh good grief, this is the kind of nonsense I fear as a parent!

Most of us do our best OP.
I dedicate two evenings, a weekend day and a lot of money to a sport DD loves. She had previously been in something else too, which also could have “made her famous” but the bottom line was I did not have the money to continue it and all the bells and whistles that went with it. I chose the sport because it was the cheaper bang for buck in terms of time etc. DD liked them both equally.

The thoughts of her writing this about me in her twenties would really make me roll my eyes and feel upset at what an ungrateful child I had raised.

Kids are being abused and you’re feeling sorry for yourself and thinking “it could have been me” when you watch the olympics 🙄 would you stop.

Live for now and don’t harbor silly resentments.

Thank you for all the messages of encouragement. I absolutely do need to just look towards the future and pursue everything I'm interested in.

I think this has all just crystallised for me because there was a girl in my year at school who would go to the athletics competitions with me but who I'd always beat is training to be chosen for the Commonwealth Games. Her parents after primary chose an athletic-intesive high school and always took her to athletics classes and competitions. They would always turn up to watch and cheer her on at her athletic competitions at school. It's such a stark contrast to how my parents were and I now see her going on to do great things, when I was originally better than her and could have gone far too had I had parents like her.

But nonetheless, I can't change the past and need to find a way to move on

"A further one, when I was studying for my GCSEs, I told her that I wanted to be either a doctor or a vet. She immediately told me that I wasn't clever enough for that which really demotivated me when revising"

sorry, I missed that. That is pretty awful.

Loads of people get into sports at a later age and make a huge success of it... you're only in your twenties.

My mum quit her job and opened a yoga studio in her 50s. My stepdad is National level for over 40s at triathlons and just did an iron man. He started doing them in his mid-40s.

Being good at sports at school is one thing, being an Olympic champion is another!

You have tons of time to make a success of your life and push yourself, no good blaming your parents.... many kids don't even get the opportunities you had. Sorry to be harsh...!