To be a bit sad that my parents didn't push me more as a child?

[Cleopatramanuf]

I've been reflecting on everything lately and feel a bit sad, like I've missed out on things which I could have been really great at and enjoyed.

For example, in primary school, I was very good at athletics. I was always chosen to represent my school at athletics competitions and would often get through to the final against the best other kids in the (very large) county and win. My sports teacher at the time was always telling me and my parents that I have great aptitude and that I should really keep up athletics after leaving primary school. My high school didn't have any athletics and so I asked my parents if I could go to one out of school. They agreed but I was very shy and came home and told them that I enjoyed it but felt shy. Rather than encouraging me to keep going, my mum just said 'oh well, you should quit then, no fun to be doing it on your own'. Now I wish she'd encouraged me to stick at it, I could have done really well!

Another thing, gymnastics as a child. I loved it. My mum stopped taking me because the centre was a bit grimy. I begged her to let me carry on but she just said no after that rather than looking for a different centre for me to go to.

Another example, I went to a cycling velodrome as a kid with a friend's parent and won loads of the races. The instructor came up to my friend's mum specifically to tell her that I showed real possibility and should go back. When she told my mum, my mum just scoffed and said 'bet they say that to all the kids' and left it there. I never got to go back.

A further one, when I was studying for my GCSEs, I told her that I wanted to be either a doctor or a vet. She immediately told me that I wasn't clever enough for that which really demotivated me when revising. I still did very well and in hindsight, with her encouragement, would have had a very good chance of getting into these careers. I am actually pretty bright!

There's so many similar examples and whenever I watch competitions or videos of all these people talking about their life or competing at a high level, I get a twinge of sadness that that maybe could have been me. I feel sad that she didn't push me to develop my talents and encourage me to reach my goals.

@Filthy I was 11 when I was better than her, I competed until the end of primary school

I think it's odd that you assume you would have developed to be better than someone else. You have no idea how you would have been after the age of 7. You were better than her at 7 but by 8,9,10? You are coming across quite arrogant...

OP has literally never said this. I’m starting to think people are hard of comprehension on this thread!

I was 11 when I was better than her, I competed until the end of primary school

In the nicest possible way, the level either of you were at at 11 is neither here nor there.

My comment about that was more me thinking that we both had raw talent but it was her parental encouragement which got her to where she is today.

I'm in my twenties now and too old to be successful in athletics or cycling because you have to have done it as a child and teen really.

Triathlon, cycling, endurance, ironman- not too old of any of those.

* it reads a bit as the only thing stopping you becoming a commonwealth/ Olympic athlete was your parents, which obviously isn’t that realistic/ reasonable or a healthy thought to have. There are so many factors at stake - ability, talent, luck, lack of injury, geography, personality, drive - which don’t seem to have been considered*

The thing is that without the former you never get the opportunity to find out the latter.
I absolutely agree with you OP and feel similar. I did go on to work in Olympic sport but not as an athlete although that was my dream. My parents didn't facilitate that either materially or emotionally. Their attitude towards me (or lack of and there for indifference) has led to a life of self doubt even though I know that really I am quite capable.
However, if it is any consolation, I also believe that unless you have significant amounts of money to throw at it and parents that are prepared to give up their lives then as well as the natural talent then you won't make it anyway!

YANBU!
Yuck. This thread is Mumsnet at its worst.
It’s perfectly fine feel sad about “what ifs?”, particularly if they involve self involved, sabotaging parents.
You sound like you’re doing okay, despite a less than helpful start. Good luck with your next adventure.

we both had raw talent but it was her parental encouragement which got her to where she is today.

And a whole lot of other stuff.

Who knows how it would have panned out for you even if you had the most supportive parents in the world?

Her success seems to be getting to you. You’ve done very well yourself, concentrate on you and your future. If you want sport to be a part of that there are lots of avenues you can pursue.

Personally I don’t think competing at the CWG would be all that anyway. But that’s probably an unpopular view.

Boy what a hard time you are getting OP. You sound quite a positive person who will get on with things. And YANBU. I related a bit to your post. I was just left to it when I was a kid. My parents had their life and didn't want any hobbies of mine impinging on it. Not that I had a bad life, it was great but like you, I could have been gently encouraged 2/3 times before quitting something.

Explorers - first time away from my Mum, I never knew anyone, I was incredibly shy, never went back. If this was my DD, I'd have stayed with her for a bit to see how she got on.

Dancing - I was told I was a brilliant dancer and should have gone to proper classes. When it came to the night of the first lesson my Mum asked "so are you wanting to go or what?" Where is the active encouragement there? She clearly couldn't be arsed taking time out of her day to take me to lessons. I was about ten and couldn't have gone myself. In the end my shyness prevailed and I never went and I regretted it always.

Education - I had a scientific and clever mind. Had I been advised a bit more about the opportunities available and subsequently encouraged to explore my options I would have had an entirely different life.

I don't hold any of the above against them - it was just how it was back then. My parents had my brothers then there was an 11 year age gap until I came along as a surprise. They were older, more tired, set in their ways. It's not their fault but OP I can sympathise with you a lot.

And knowing a few kids who have competed at national and international level at their chosen sport, I know the effort put in by their parents. They simply could not compete without their help. And if I'm being totally honest, I'm kinda glad my kids aren't doing similar because I would struggle driving all over the UK and beyond every weekend.

But to end on a happy note. As an adult I've taken it upon myself to learn new things, get a degree, dance and explore. Do what you want for yourself and don't get too hung up on the past.

As a cautionary note OP, a girl in my year at school did have supportive / pushy parents who went all out for her in a particular sport. She had training every day after school and was even allowed to take less subjects than everyone else so she had more free periods to train during. She never came to birthday parties or other social events at weekends as she had competitions and ended up with basically no friends by year 10.

It did get her a scholarship to a US uni but she never made it in the sport and, ironically, ended up becoming a consultant in London after uni! She was academic anyway so would’ve had no problem getting a place at a good UK uni without the sport.

Personally I feel very sorry for her - she and her family sacrificed about 10 years of their life and it all came to nothing in the end. Nobody’s fault, it was just that others were better than her. So at least you’re not in that position!

This is not "my mother didn't push me". It's much more "my mother held me back and discouraged me". Your mother came up with reasons to stop you doing many things you wanted to do, she told you you weren't good enough, and when other people said you were good at things she sneered and said they were lying even though you had shown you were good by winning races. The moment you even hinted you might not want to do something she told you to stop.

Perhaps having you not do anything was a way of justifying her own lack of success in life, and the unkind things she said were meant to justify not taking you to things, but as a sensitive child you took her words to heart. She held you back in practical ways and she chipped away at your self-confidence. Not just about one thing but about many.

You have the right to be angry with her, not just sad.

And you have made a success of many aspects of your life despite your parents, and it looks as if you will continue to try new things and succeed at them too. Go you!

I am really considering studying medicine and need to find a way of funding it and I used my student loan on my first degree.

You would still be eligible for some financial support if you can get a place on a medicine degree programme that is specifically for graduates. Would you need to be in a particular part of the country?

My parents were the same. I was very academic but they really didn’t want me to go to uni. Supermarket management was their preferred career for me (not that there is anything wrong at all in that) when really I could probably have got a good degree and gone into a profession. I still find it a bit surprising when I hear my peers talked about how hard their parents pushed for their kids into further education. But I was loved and they were decent but flawed people, as we all are I suppose.

You’d never believe I was bright by my posts on here, I know 😂

Yabvvu to blame your shortcomings on your parents.
I don't get the athletics club thing.They took you , so why Would they stop it after one session?
It sounds to me as though it was a Tryout and you were not successful.

... and what secondary school does not do athletics?

It wasn't a tryout. I think they were looking for an excuse to not take me back so jumped on me saying I felt a bit shy and actively discouraged me.

And my high school didn't do athletics. It was very underfunded and all money went towards academic extracurricular rather than sports.

I was fortunate to enjoy gymnastics when I was 10-16. I really enjoyed it, but I was already too old at 10. At 16 us older ones, then went onto trampolining for a short time. Then I started part time work at 16 & stopped this sport & did swimming
I do other sports as an adult now
Things to take into account - some sports cost lots of money & time
If you don't enjoy something, try another sport
You are never too old to try something new
No real point looking back in the past about what could have been. Look to the future and plan for now !

i think theres a fine line between encouraging and forcing. for example i encourage my children in their sports but never want them to end up hating things. my daughter recently left gymnastics as she felt uncomfortable with a group of girls there. we had tried complaining etc but these girls really were vile to everyone. I encouraged and tried the "just ignore them" and even took one of them (not a main girl in the group) who she is friendly with and another girl from gymnastics to pizza hut with us to try and forge a bond etc. didnt work. she ended up "feeling sick" every morning of gymnastics and in the end i asked if she wanted to "put it on hold" and she did and, essentially, has quit. so i didnt want to push her and let her come to her own mind. i would never want a child to feel uncomfortable because they want to please me.

I know someone who supported their child with a costly sport that they loved. The family never had a family holiday for 20+ years
Costly as in time and money

There's a big difference between discouraged from doing one thing you want to do and being discouraged from nearly everything. As well as being put down every time you try something. OP's parents were teaching her not to try.

I have an interesting take on this. I was a talented runner in childhood and I was PUSHED by my father. His whole life revolves around coaching me, driving me all over the country to training and competitions. My mother resented it and I felt his love for me was driven by living his lost ambitions from childhood through me. It damaged our relationship and once I grew into adulthood I gave up all sport and became overweight and inactive.
Then bizzarely in my mid-thirties I discovered martial arts and that I was good at it. I was encouraged to test for belts, I lost weight and became very buff! From that I got back into running and discovered I'm also good at swimming and cycling. I won my first triathlon in my late thirties.
40 now and I'm still chasing those belts and loving it all.
I haven't spoken to my father for years but feel I've rediscovered sport on my terms and love with a passion the ability to compete but without the pressure to try and become professional or Olympic standard (far too old now of course!). It's brought me great joy, the comaraderi and competitive spirit, of amateur sport. I certainly get respect for my abilities as an older mum!
So OP sometimes those that are pushed in childhood end up resenting it and it's never too late to get a lot out of sport. You obviously have talent, you could coach too.

en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Beryl_Burton

Just saying... not all people have to start as kids. I know the sporting world is now probably lots more competitive but maybe look into niche sports... or just enjoy yourself with amateur competitions. Btw - re:medicine make sure you do lots of work experience to be sure you want to do it/have sufficient mental resilience. Takes a lot of mental strength and tenacity to cope with the stress (even if you are fine with the academic side of it).

Fine to reflect and feel sad, but you can’t change the past, and the odds of national / international success are low even for DC with high parental support.

My comprehensive school was the same and my parents, though supportive, would not have been able to pay for and take us to extensive extracurriculars, competition etc due to their work and circumstances: that’s probably the situation of the majority of DC, talented (like you) or not (like me!).

What could you do now to improve your lot?

I know a few people of various age doing sport or active stuff, or other things like music or arts, to a high, amateur level, and enjoying it.

If medicine isn’t attainable due to cost, what else could you do to (more attainable) to further your career and give more to / get more from it?

Some sports when you are a child need the parent to drive the child to competitions or other venues, when the child reaches a certain level or age. Some parents don't have the time, money or interest to do this