To be a bit sad that my parents didn't push me more as a child?

[Cleopatramanuf]

I've been reflecting on everything lately and feel a bit sad, like I've missed out on things which I could have been really great at and enjoyed.

For example, in primary school, I was very good at athletics. I was always chosen to represent my school at athletics competitions and would often get through to the final against the best other kids in the (very large) county and win. My sports teacher at the time was always telling me and my parents that I have great aptitude and that I should really keep up athletics after leaving primary school. My high school didn't have any athletics and so I asked my parents if I could go to one out of school. They agreed but I was very shy and came home and told them that I enjoyed it but felt shy. Rather than encouraging me to keep going, my mum just said 'oh well, you should quit then, no fun to be doing it on your own'. Now I wish she'd encouraged me to stick at it, I could have done really well!

Another thing, gymnastics as a child. I loved it. My mum stopped taking me because the centre was a bit grimy. I begged her to let me carry on but she just said no after that rather than looking for a different centre for me to go to.

Another example, I went to a cycling velodrome as a kid with a friend's parent and won loads of the races. The instructor came up to my friend's mum specifically to tell her that I showed real possibility and should go back. When she told my mum, my mum just scoffed and said 'bet they say that to all the kids' and left it there. I never got to go back.

A further one, when I was studying for my GCSEs, I told her that I wanted to be either a doctor or a vet. She immediately told me that I wasn't clever enough for that which really demotivated me when revising. I still did very well and in hindsight, with her encouragement, would have had a very good chance of getting into these careers. I am actually pretty bright!

There's so many similar examples and whenever I watch competitions or videos of all these people talking about their life or competing at a high level, I get a twinge of sadness that that maybe could have been me. I feel sad that she didn't push me to develop my talents and encourage me to reach my goals.

I'm with OP here - no amount of drive from a primary-aged kid is going to overcome a parent who just can't be arsed to help out. All these 'you should have just done it yourself' types, can you answer this: How is a 7 year old supposed to get herself to and from gymnastics 5 times a week, and pay the 100 quid a month or so required? And by the way, to properly excel at gymnastics these days, 7 is a very late start!

Sorry you had unsupportive parents OP - I feel sure you won't be making the same mistakes if you have talented kids yourself!

Look at it this way, Cleo - your situation now is so much better than it was back then. Now, you're still young enough to be able to change your future, and you do at least have the basic tools to do that - decent education, money, wherewithall - so the world is your oyster. You can fling off your childhood shackles and do whatever you like. And you appreciate that freedom and power all the more because you didn't have it as a child.

If this thread is the first time you've really thought about this particular point properly, maybe it's also the first step towards a more self-determined life, taking action?

Yes @Follow, I'm sure that is the case. Had your father been emotionally abusive and someone who's negative reactions you lived in fear off, would you still have consistently gone against his wishes and kept going to training? Who paid for your training? Your father I presume?

lived in fear of*

I hear you OP, i wish my mum had pushed me a little bit. I push myself now in my 30s, but i do mourn what i could have achieved with a bit more encouragement earlier on. I feel like i was only encouraged in the areas of academia which suited the family, but werent right for me. The things i liked were dumped on, really.

Having parents like that does hold you back, obviously. All you can do is make the most of your life in the time you have left [an awful long time if you're in your twenties] & try to make sure that the same mistakes aren't repeated for your children.

Thank you @Ravenmum, I am taking action based off this thread and am determined to make a go of it.

I do find it irritating that some posters are solely attributing their own success to drive alone and suggesting I 'failed' because I lacked this. As a child you are dependent on your parents both financially and emotionally and those who's parents either paid for training or didn't actively dissuade their children are lucky!

YANBU to be a bit sad, it sounds like a real shame OP, especially as you seemed to have a real raw, natural talent.

I sometimes reflect on this, I am giving my dc many more opportunities than I had myself. My parents did their best but they were not educated and simply didn't have the life experience to push me in certain areas. It is not a massive gripe or anything.

There's a book about people who only came in to their success at 40, in all kinds of ways.

You are the key.

There's plenty of people who succeeded from backgrounds of deprivation/abuse/neglect.

Take action and start today. Stop dwelling in the past and do it yourself. Now.

Cleopatramanuf If I am one of the people you think has insulted you by not having the drive at 7, then I apologise for badly expressing myself. My point was that even with parental support I think your lack of self determination and need for reassurancemay have limited your success at competitive levels. However

As an aside, I understand the feeling, as I also find it quite insulting when people assume because they are good at something as a child they could have competed at a high level....without realising they are looking at the 0.1%, and what has been sacrificed to get there. But that is neither here nor there on this thread.

What has given you the idea that I lacked self-determination @Follow. I came from a difficult home, fought my way through serious mental ill health resulting from this and nonetheless went out to achieve very well at school, university and land a competitive job. What aspect of this tells you I lack self-determination?

I was thinking in a similar way the other day actually. I was a very high achiever at school and finished with straight A*s at GCSE and As at A Level. However, my parents pretty much instilled in me from a young age that bright people are doctors and lawyers, and they were my only.options really. I remember telling them aged 7 that I loved learning about space and was going to be an astronomer. They told me there was no money in it, and it really stuck with me. I dropped out of uni in my second year because I chose a random subject that required the least amount of work and I was bored. I often wondered whether things had turned out differently for me if if not been put off the one subject I loved.

Not sure if the latest posts have RTFT put I have signed up for taster classes in a few different sports so I am taking the initiative. I was just ranting I suppose about what could have been but that does not mean I solely dwell in the past and do not work hard today!

no amount of drive from a primary-aged kid is going to overcome a parent who just can't be arsed to help out

Totally agree. My parents were the classic 70s hippy parents- never helped me with my homework, would never consider extra curricular classes, actually mocked me when I mentioned having ambitions.

I think what a lot of these 'bootstrap' posters don't realise is how draining and undermining this is on your whole confidence and sense of achievement. I never had the strength to stand against them- or various awful school teachers- as I just felt silly and as if I wasn't that good anyway.
I see my friend taking her children here there and everywhere and I think 'Good for her. And lucky for them'.
A bit of confidence is a great thing to give a child.

Stop looking back and look forward. You can’t go backward from where you are. It doesn’t matter now what your mum did or didn’t do when you were 8. If you want to pick up any opportunities to succeed now only the future matters - you can change the future, you can’t change the past.

I don’t think anyone is saying they succeeded in their sport because of drive alone. This maybe isn’t how you meant your post to come across but to me it reads a bit as the only thing stopping you becoming a commonwealth/ Olympic athlete was your parents, which obviously isn’t that realistic/ reasonable or a healthy thought to have. There are so many factors at stake - ability, talent, luck, lack of injury, geography, personality, drive - which don’t seem to have been considered (maybe you have, only basing this off of your OP). I think that’s why you’re getting a bit of a hard time.

There was just one area in which I had confidence - languages. But I had a reason to be confident. I'd spent so much time sitting alone reading, or doing word puzzles my childminders gave me, that I developed a pretty good vocabulary. Books were free from the library. If I'd needed money to read, I couldn't have done and would never have developed that confidence. You really can't finance hobbies only from mowing people's lawns or whatever else a 7-year-old could come up with.

@Festive I did not mean to come off like that at all. My sadness is for not having been able to give it a shot. I know my chances would have been small but at least if I had tried then I would not be thinking 'what if'.

Glad to hear you are signing up for things OP. I don’t talk about my relationship with my parents here because sometimes one of them cyberstalks me. A lot of things combined in my childhood to make me the way I am, and my parents were very instrumental in that but not exactly in what you would describe as a supportive way. A lot of my drive comes not from having parents behind me helping me hone that drive, but from saying ‘I fucking will do it, in spite of their actions or words.’ Suffice to say that you are an adult now and can go out and do what’ve you want without needing your parents to take you places or pay for things. If they are still in your life they will probably still not be very helpful or supportive, but you’ve got to leave that behind.

Lots of people(myself included!) wish they had done better as a child.Problem is many parents feel they are being "pushy" or not wanting them to grow up or away from them.Many children do however go on and prove themselves ,it take time and a lot of hard work though and is easy to look back on with regret .DH always felt he could have been an athlete, as like you competed at national level.Truth is very few people make it even after years of early starts, gruelling training regimes etc .Why not look forward ,join a cycling club ,get to know people with a similar outlook,make new friends and DONT look back!

There is clearly a massive role for parents in any child achieving at a high level with sport, music etc. Yes a child that has got their grade 8 piano at 12 has some self motivation and talent but they wouldn’t have got there without parental support. In terms of elite sport the training and long hours come young. Even at 7, a competitive swimmer or gymnast would be doing many hours of training.

@FollowYourOwnNorthStar

My point was that even with parental support I think your lack of self determination and need for reassurancemay have limited your success at competitive levels.

Don’t you see the two can be inextricably linked? OP is from an abusive home, it’s not easy to develop ‘self determination and self reassurance’ in that environment!

Bloody hell, the lack of empathy on this thread is laughable 😂

I didn’t get a shot at stardom as a child. Most people don’t. Stop thinking ‘what if’ and start thinking ‘what’s next.’ You still have plenty of time and opportunity - if you have natural talent you can still hone it. Pick something that makes you feel good doing it and set yourself goals.

girl in my year at school who would go to the athletics competitions with me but who I'd always beat is training to be chosen for the Commonwealth Games.

Comparison, the thief of joy.

I think it's odd that you assume you would have developed to be better than someone else. You have no idea how you would have been after the age of 7. You were better than her at 7 but by 8,9,10? You are coming across quite arrogant...