Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not to visit my dying sister or go to her funeral?

264 replies

Cruelstepmother · 24/04/2019 17:59

She has cancer, will prob live a couple more weeks/months, lives about 6 hours drive away. She's surrounded by other family members, I don't want to watch her dying and my DH has heart failure, is very frail and needs my help. She hasn't asked to see me, but we're very close and love each other more than our other sisters.

OP posts:
fashiondevotee · 24/04/2019 22:43

Can you live with the knowledge that you didn't see her before she died, OP?

There's your answer.

longtompot · 24/04/2019 22:50

Could you facetime her?

If it were my sister and I in this situation, I would try and visit her as I would regret it if I didn't go. I would definitely go to her funeral.
Is there anyone who could sit with your dh so you know he is being looked after? Have you spoken to him about it? What is his feeling on you not seeing her, esp as you are so close?

supersop60 · 24/04/2019 22:53

You don't want to watch her dying.
Hmm. I don't think it's about you.
If you really are close and love each other, then go. She may be desperate to see you.

MotherOfDragonite · 24/04/2019 22:53

Oh OP, it sounds really sad and difficult for you.

It strikes me that you have been doing an awful lot of caring for other people. Your mum, your DH. All the people who might otherwise have been looking out for you a bit. Do you have much support and friends/family looking out for you? Is this perhaps a reminder that you need it too?

Gettingthroughthedays · 24/04/2019 22:53

I think you should go and see her. If you can't make the funeral that's fine but see her beforehand.

Gettingthroughthedays · 24/04/2019 22:54

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

happymum12345 · 24/04/2019 22:55

I think you know that you should go. Life is precious, as is love. All the very bestFlowers

Ginseng1 · 24/04/2019 22:56

I wouldn't dream of not going to see her & also go to the funeral. I would be so sad if it were me and my siblings never came to see me because it too upsetting for them.

pessimisticstateofperception · 24/04/2019 22:57

Um,pessimistic,just to remind you, the OPhasasked for people's opinions, so how about you removing yourself as the self-appointed thread police.

Thread police? Telling op to do what's right for her in her situation is hardly policing the thread.

If I was going to be the thread police I would be clamping down on all the emotionally blackmailing posts and asking people to post only to support the op, not make her out to be some monster. But I'm not, so I can't.

stayclosetoyourself · 24/04/2019 22:58

OP I don't know how old you and your husband are , what is his prognosis and how long you are married but if yiu are close to your sister it seems you should go. Surely it would feel strange not to be there with her? Is this fear of seeing her finally go? I think it's a time to put you and your sister first, even though I understand you must take care of your husband too. .can you stop overnight on the way there and back?

gauntletthrown · 24/04/2019 23:02

How can you even consider not going? This is your sister. You grew up together! You say you're close, you have to go.

1Wildheartsease · 24/04/2019 23:04

So sorry to hear this Cruelstepmother - you and your family are in the middle of very sad times.

There isn't a right answer here.

Sad if you do and sad if you don't!

You do not have to go.

-You have said your goodbyes and your sister has not specially asked for you to go again. Goodbyes will be hard for her too.
-You do have your husband to care for too and leaving him does not sound like a safe option for either of you.

If you want to go and worry that you will feel worse if you don't, or that she needs to see you... then finding support for your husband seems a reasonable thing to do.

I can't tell you which is the best thing to do but hope that whichever you do - you find some comfort in the times ahead.

Original poster
Cruelstepmother · 24/04/2019 23:17

Yes, this is a genuine post.

OP posts:
JustOneShadeOfGrey · 24/04/2019 23:34

Do what your heart tells you, not what the judgemental MNs tell you. You no doubt speak on the phone frequently and message each other. You “get” each other. You have another loved one with a life threatening illness who needs you. You can’t split yourself in two. Only you and your sister knows what’s best. It IS about you as well as your darling sister. Seeing her suffering her last days may not be what both of you want. I didn’t dash to see my DMum die in A&E because I know she’d have been mortified. I don’t regret that decision. I don’t love her any less.

I am so sorry for all you’re going through. I hope your DH gets stronger so he can support you when your DSis passes.

Hugs 💐

Chinnychinnychinnychib · 25/04/2019 07:00

My Mum’s sister refused to come to my Mum’s bedside when she was dying because ‘she wanted to remember her how she was’. My Mum didn’t ask for her sister until quite near the end and then I had to explain that no, she wasn’t coming. Her face stays with me. I’m not saying this to make you feel bad, OP, I’m saying it because it’s going to affect the other people in your sister’s life who will be bearing the consequences of your decision. I have chosen not to see or speak to my aunt again and neither has anyone else in the family as a result of her decisions. She also chose not to come to the funeral as it was ‘too much’ for her. Wasn’t great for anyone else either but they still went!

DizzySue · 25/04/2019 07:05

Please go and see your sister, just because she hasn't asked for you doesn't mean she doesn't want and need you. It is a terrible mistake to not go and you will regret it forever.

I'm so sorry you are going through such a terrible time Thanks I hope you find the strength you need.

Mummaofmytribe · 25/04/2019 07:24

Cruelstepmotherjust want to send you Flowers
I watched my mother dying last year. Absolutely horrendous.
You have my deepest sympathies now that you're losing your sister too.
They say life only gives us what we can handle, but it doesn't feel like that when you've suffered a terrible loss and are now facing another one.
I offer no judgement, just compassion. Your head must be whirling. Why don't you take a day to let it sink in and discuss with your husband whether he could truly manage without you for a day and who he could call for any problems. It may help you feel able to go if you know he'll be ok for a short while as that's obviously really playing on your mind and I don't blame you.
With all that's going wrong for you it must make you super anxious that something else is going to happen.
Best of luck

3in4years · 25/04/2019 07:28

Yes, go.

bananasandwicheseveryday · 25/04/2019 07:31

FWIW, I think I would regret it terribly if I chose not to visit my dying sister, even in the circumstances you describe.
Two points :
Firstly, when my late step-dad had severe, chronic heartfailure, it used to be possible to arrange an overnight stay in a local care home - would this be a possibility for you?
Secondly, if you choose not to go, will your Dh feel guilty, knowing that you are using his poor health as a reason? I know my poor step dad always felt awful when his state of health prevented my mum from doing things and it was actually his insistence that she did some things that prompted the first use of a care home for respite care.
Whatever you decide, you need to be able to make peace with it - it sounds very much as though you won't have a further opportunity to change your mind.
Flowers

Damntheman · 25/04/2019 07:42

I am heartsore for you OP, what a horrible situation.

But please do go, you will regret not seeing her and bringing her comfort in her last days. I am so glad that I managed to see my dad before he died, I would have really struggled if I hadn't. Yes, it's not exactly fun to watch someone dying, but those memories will fade to warmer ones of how they were before in time and it will be so worth it to know that she felt your love at the end.

Miss the funeral, that's fine if you don't need the closure, but do go and see her while you still can.

zingally · 25/04/2019 08:20

I think you need to sit down and have a REALLY honest talk with yourself.
First question to ask: Will you regret it if you don't go?

What are your reasons for not going? Perhaps write them down, even if they seem really inane and stupid - no one ever has to see the list, apart from you. It can be anything from "I don't want to make a 12 hour round trip" to "I don't want to pay for a hotel" to "I don't want my last memory of her to be in a hospital bed."

What would your sister want you to do? Have you asked her? Have you spoken to her on the phone, or even via text in the last... fortnight? What are the expectations of the rest of the family? Are you getting backlash for not visiting? Or has no one mentioned it?

The thing is, everyone has an opinion on sensitive topics like this, but ultimately, YOU are the one who has to live with whatever decision you make, AND deal with any long-term fall-out that may occur as a result of your decision, either way.

I hope your sister is comfortable, and that you are able to find some peace.

juneau · 25/04/2019 09:49

No one has suggested that you 'dump' your DH in a care home. People, including me, have suggested that you ask about respite care, which is usually available to those caring for people with serious, long-term health conditions such as your DH's. If he were to have a heart attack while you were away he would quite possibly not survive if he were home alone. Going into a care home or respite facility would keep him safe while you were away and ensure that medical care was close at hand if he needed it.

woollyheart · 25/04/2019 10:09

You sound like someone that is willing to give everything to help those you love. It is impossible to give everyone in need 100% of your time and efforts.

Travelling up see your sister for a day doesn't mean that you have dumped your husband. It is ok to have someone else look after him for a day or for him to go to respite for a day.

If you are happy that you have already said goodbye to your sister, that is ok too.

HoraceCope · 25/04/2019 10:22

Just do what you feel best op.
awful situation for you.

InadvertentlyBrilliant · 25/04/2019 11:01

I've just had a conversation with my BIL whose wife died recently. He told us that she'd said some wonderful things to him in the last days of her life.
Perhaps you and your sister might want to have the opportunity to talk so that nothing is left unsaid? You could go now and spend a couple of days with her and not be there when she passes but spend some quality time with her.

You say she hasn't asked for you but, as you are very close, she probably doesn't feel the need to ask as she may presume you will go to visit her.

Not everyone's death is the same. They aren't all painful or long drawn out. My SIL wasn't in pain and she just tired and went to sleep. My DF was joking and entertaining us for 4 weeks before deteriorating and having a peaceful death.

Whichever way you decide, I hope you don't regret your choice.