Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not to visit my dying sister or go to her funeral?

264 replies

Cruelstepmother · 24/04/2019 17:59

She has cancer, will prob live a couple more weeks/months, lives about 6 hours drive away. She's surrounded by other family members, I don't want to watch her dying and my DH has heart failure, is very frail and needs my help. She hasn't asked to see me, but we're very close and love each other more than our other sisters.

OP posts:
BarbarianMum · 24/04/2019 21:41

Some things can't be run away from, grief is one of them and personal obligation is another. You should go.

Auramigraine · 24/04/2019 21:42

Another one saying go see her. It will stop you living in regret if you didn’t x Flowers

Cryalot2 · 24/04/2019 21:45

I would go , do it for your sister . Flowers
So sorry for all .

LittleElle · 24/04/2019 21:48

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

SallyWD · 24/04/2019 21:51

Go

ForalltheSaints · 24/04/2019 21:56

I would not criticise you for choosing to stay with your DH who needs your help were I someone with a terminal illness. Video or phone conversations can still be had, I hope.

Raspberrytruffle · 24/04/2019 21:57

I'm very sorry for you OP with all this going on, I'm the same as you but I will tell you if you dont visit her at least once before she dies it will hit you like a ton of bricks when shes gone. Just think about it as you may regret it when it's too late Flowers

LesLavandes · 24/04/2019 21:57

Op. So many people have kindly replied. Please try to make a general response to them out of politeness. I am sure you are in turmoil. I am not going to give an opinion. You have enough of those. Best wishes🌸

Veryangryvicuna · 24/04/2019 21:59

Well correct me if I’m wrong, but no one has yet posted that they regret going to see a dying loved one. And from my limited experience, going to see my dying grandmothers (on 2 separate occasions) in no way changed my wonderful memories of them.

My sisters and I kept my Nan company all night, the night before she died, and I could only visit my gran for an hour or so before she died because I had a very new baby - who I took with me, because she’s never met him. She was apparently unresponsive by then, but when I went to leave and said “I’m going now Gran” she opened her eyes and looked straight into mine - she knew she was saying goodbye to me. I am so glad I spent that time with them both.

Hopeygoflightly · 24/04/2019 22:04

Go, go to see her for your sake and for hers. You will find it very difficult to accept her death if you try to ignore it now

ahtellthee · 24/04/2019 22:07

Please go.

pessimisticstateofperception · 24/04/2019 22:07

So many people have kindly replied. Please try to make a general response to them out of politeness.

Don't reply if you don't feel up to it op. You have no obligation to tell us anything if you don't want to.

What is the matter with people?

Well correct me if I’m wrong, but no one has yet posted that they regret going to see a dying loved one.

That's true, but I know more than one person irl who has regretted it. It's not my story to tell, so I won't. But it certainly isn't all wonderful memories all of the time.

Op needs to do what is right for her in her situation, not be guilt tripped and spoken to like a piece of shit as has happened in this thread.

londonrach · 24/04/2019 22:11

Go, if you can op. I went to see my gran. Best decision ever sadly grandad died of broken heart two days after she died so didnt get to say goodbye to him about from silly talk about toast at 6pm (he died 9pm) as he been out for meal at lunch and not hungry. Go op. Can someone sit with your dh. I would if i knew you. Something's you need to do. Very sorry x

notatwork · 24/04/2019 22:12

OP.
I am so sorry for your loss, and for what you are going through at the moment with your sister and your DH. I cannot imagine how hard it must be for you, trying to decide who needs your care more.
You are close to your sister and only you can decide if you need to see her, or her you, or if some alternative will be enough for you both. Skype, for example, would enable you to talk to her every day. But will that be enough for you?
Likewise, your husband's frailty, and hence how much you are needed at home, can only be really understood by you.
Know this: those whom you are close to and whom love you will understand, whatever you decide to do, so really, what it comes down to is what will ease your grief, not what they each may need. Nothing any of us say on this forum should influence your decision.
My prayers are with you. Such a difficult time for you x.

MotherOfDragonite · 24/04/2019 22:15

Ok, I'm going to reframe the question the other way round.

If you did go to visit your sister before she died, do you think you would regret it?

Mammylamb · 24/04/2019 22:17

Please go see her. She needs you xx

Dowser · 24/04/2019 22:19

So very sad, but you need to go and see her

BeUpStanding · 24/04/2019 22:19

How is this even a question, let alone an AIBU? Of course you should go and see your sister, and even considering not going - given the circumstances you've described - is unconscionable.

milksoffagain · 24/04/2019 22:24

WTAF is going on with all the nasty attacks on the OP in this thread????

Pillowtalk is particularly harsh for example and LittleElle accusing OP of 'vile' behaviour ???? YOU are the ones with the disgusting attitude it makes me wonder if you've even bloody read the thread???!! Show some compassion FFS - I can't believe you'd be so vicious if you'd ever had all this to deal with in your own lives and I hope you never have to.

Here is someone who lost her mother last year and spent 3 whole weeks sitting by her hospital bed watching her suffering; now she has been living with the awful knowledge of her most beloved sister's illness for who knows how long and now faces the fact that her sister will die imminently whilst she is also trying to care for a very ill husband.

Like some other posters on here my heart just goes out to any person in such a terrible and traumatic situation - just as it does to all the others who have shared their sad experiences in this thread Flowers.

FWIW all I can say OP is I think you might very well regret not going, but I think it is unlikely that you will regret going if that is any help? And I think it is more than understandable that the trauma of this has left you unable to decide what to do: so if you don't go and then regret it be kind to yourself. Your sister loves you and will understand whatever decision you make was the right one.

Much love and I am so sorry your life is so very hard at the moment. I will be thinking about you for the next few weeks x

tinkerbellla · 24/04/2019 22:26

You poor thing, what a horrible situation. You should go, you'll feel better and she'll be so happy to see you. Xx

TanMateix · 24/04/2019 22:30

This reminds me of an uncle who said to my dad he was not attending a close relative funeral because “he didn’t like funerals”.

My father’s response? “Do you honestly think we enjoy them?”

There are things you have to do because is the correct thing to do. I would go, not because I would regret not going later but because I would not want to hurt my sister with my absence, making her feel as if I didn’t care enough.

InfiniteCurve · 24/04/2019 22:31

So sorry for the situation you are in,OP.I do think unless you know your sister definitely doesn't want to see you at this time you should go.
If you are so close and love each other this is it,this is the time to say goodbye,and give her your love for the last time.
I can see it will be difficult and I can understand that you don't feel up to staying as you did with your Mum.
For what it's worth my Mum's only brother didn't come to see her when she was dying,or in fact when she started to go downhill with her cancer.He and my aunt said they wanted to remember her as she was - I'm still bitter about it as we didn't have that luxury,although years on I mostly do just remember her as she was before she was ill anyway.
But I was so sad for her,he was her brother,they were a close family.She wouldn't have demanded that he come,and by the end she couldn't speak,so I don't know how she felt then,but I still wonder what that meant to her.
The funeral,that I think is much less important.
(I realise that is all personal and your situation is not anyone else's Thanks)

Original poster
Cruelstepmother · 24/04/2019 22:34

I have already replied - I said I would try to go. My DH is not up to travelling so far. We went up about 6 weeks ago so it's not like she hasn't seen me for years, and it was really exhausting for him. Her condition has worsened since then and she is in hospital so I can't phone her at present, but it's hoped she will be coming out next week and have end of life care at home. I am concerned that while I'm away my DH will struggle, or have a heart attack or fall, but booking a carer or dumping him in a nursing home won't be happening. I'm more concerned that he might need me to hurry back if there's an emergency and I will be too distressed to drive or won't be able to get back quickly. But I will try to go.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cruelstepmother · 24/04/2019 22:37

And every time I've seen her over the last year we've always said goodbye and wondered if it would be the last time we ever saw each other.

OP posts:
daisychain01 · 24/04/2019 22:38

Nobody else's opinion matters, what other people would do, could deal with and could handle doesn't matter either

Um, pessimistic, just to remind you, the OP has asked for people's opinions, so how about you removing yourself as the self-appointed thread police.

People - including me are telling the OP why it would be worth grabbing the moment, the experiences we had and how it was a comfort to their dying loved-one.