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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not to visit my dying sister or go to her funeral?

264 replies

Cruelstepmother · 24/04/2019 17:59

She has cancer, will prob live a couple more weeks/months, lives about 6 hours drive away. She's surrounded by other family members, I don't want to watch her dying and my DH has heart failure, is very frail and needs my help. She hasn't asked to see me, but we're very close and love each other more than our other sisters.

OP posts:
PillowTalker · 24/04/2019 20:32

PinkysEars

I don't regret anything as unlike OP I didn't have a choice in my own experience of a sibling's death.

OP is basically saying a 13 hr round-trip and organising someone to help out with her DH in order to spend an hour with her sister is something she's not sure she wants to do and people on here are pandering to it with the "poor you OP" posts

pigsDOfly · 24/04/2019 20:35

When my DSis was dying she refused to see anyone so I wasn't allowed to visit.

We'd been very close as young women and not long before she died I supported her through a very difficult time - not related to her death - but she became very bitter as she got older and once the difficult time has passed she told me not to contact her. I only found out she was dying because her son contacted me.

She didn't have a proper funeral. I can't remember what it's called but her body was taken from the hospital, she was buried but no one was allowed to attend, not even her son who was very close to her.

I would have given anything to have seen my beloved sister one last time before she died. You might regret it if you don't visit her OP and you won't be able to go back and change it later.

My sister didn't want anyone around her when she was dying so I had to respect that because it wasn't about what I wanted. Does your sister wants to see you? If she does I think you should give her the chance to see you before she dies.

Villageidiots · 24/04/2019 20:38

If at all possible you should go. It's about what she would want now. I am so sorry about what you're going through.

Nomorepies · 24/04/2019 20:40

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ on the poster's request.

PinkysEars · 24/04/2019 20:40

But Pillow, you compared your own experience to the situation the OP is facing and they're not the same.

When we know someone is dying we have already begun grieving. That affects how we think and our decision-making. I imagine that's why OP posed the question.

I also think there are kinder ways of making your point.

CaptainPovey · 24/04/2019 20:41

Hi @Cruelstepmother

Only you and your sister know each other - not these randoms on the internet and unless in your position, no-one knows what they would do

If you are as close as you say and she already knows what you have been through, there is a good possibility she would understand how you feel

I would not judge you for making this decision

Ever

Catchingbentcoppers · 24/04/2019 20:42

Please go, she needs you.

DoneLikeAKipper · 24/04/2019 20:43

@PillowTalker, perhaps remember there is a real person behind the OP and we’re only getting a snapshot of their life. It doesn’t sound like they’re in a good place at the moment regardless, and they will still be here after their sister passes, still having to deal with grief upon grief whilst also caring for her husband (and stepson).

We all deal and react to the worst of times differently, or even just get to the point where it hurts so much we just can’t face our bad times even if others are relying on us. Show a little sympathy, we can’t all be brave all the time - especially when we need to be brave for others in the face of death. Hardest bloody thing to do actually, I think that’s why most people are feeling sorry for the op whilst also (more gently) suggesting she’d regret not seeing her sister one last time.

LuvSmallDogs · 24/04/2019 20:44

PillowTalker, her DH has heart failure, leaving him is not the same as handing off a hale and hearty baby with some bottles and nappies, is it? You can’t see how it would be scary to be so far from a DH in such poor health?

OP has probably already started grieving for her sister, as one does with drawn out terminal illnesses. Different people feel and react differently with grief.

Weirdpenguin · 24/04/2019 20:45

How ill is your husband? If he can make himself a drink, dress himself and warm up pre prepared food I would visit your sister. She will understand that you can't stay long. I think the funeral is less important. If your husband is bedfast, confused etc I can see that your situation is very difficult. flowers

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 24/04/2019 20:46

My Gran died of cancer a couple of years ago.

It happened very quickly (diagnosis and death in around a week). She didn't want her grandchildren visiting her and seeing her like that.

My sister ignored it (which I didn't find out until recently) and visited her and she's found her peace. I didn't visit her and I regret it every day and can't get past it.

I know it's not the same however I think you'd regret not seeing her.

Vegisgrowingwell · 24/04/2019 20:46

My mum's sister didn't come to visit her when she was dying as she 'wanted to remember her as she was'. I'm bitter if I'm honest as I didn't get that choice to stay away.

My mum (When lucid) said it was ok but she was really hurt.

pessimisticstateofperception · 24/04/2019 20:48

There are some truely awful post on here.

Ok I'm sure your sister is aware of your husbands condition given how close you are, and she will understand.

There are other options, video chat, a letter, text, email, etc if you truly feel it's too much for you to make the journey to see her. You don't physically have to be there given all you have going on in your life. You can be in touch daily over video chat which would be much better than an hour visit where you're stressed out and worrying.

You absolutely don't have to go to her funeral. I never go to them. I usually take an hour or 2 to do something meaningful that makes me think if that person instead, even light a candle and write some stories do a so you don't forget if you can't go out because of your husbands health.

You aren't selfish, you're trying to do the right thing in a circumstance where there is no right thing to do. You have to deal with your husbands care, your feelings about your sister, the grief you have for your parent and somewhere in all that you need to look after yourself too.

Take care op, whatever you decide to do Flowers

SoupDragon · 24/04/2019 20:53

people on here are pandering to it

Pandering? 🙄 No, it's called having a different opinion to you. Just because you feel differently doesn't mean you should be nasty.

Everydaypeople · 24/04/2019 20:56

Pillow talker , you actually sound awful and I would have thought that the death of a close relative like your brother would make you a bit more understanding .
The recent death of a loved one has changed me so I have a lot of sympathy towards the ops situation.
It’s not black and white.

daisychain01 · 24/04/2019 20:56

Forget about the near term travel, practical arrangements etc etc, just do it while you can,

I travelled 4000 miles to be with my DBro during the final stages of brain cancer, and they were the most memorable days of our lives. He showed himself to be truly selfless, humorous, perceptive and stoic during that time, and I will be inspired by his bravery to the end of my life. I never knew someone could come into their true self, but he showed how it's done.

If you can share some similarly inspiring final precious hours with your DSis, don't lose that opportunity.

TotallyOutingSoNameChanged · 24/04/2019 21:04

So sorry to read this OP, you're clearly having a very tough time.
Our best friend was diagnosed with terminal cancer and went into a hospice 2 months after DH and I had our DC plaved with us for adoption. In adoption you're advised not to travel with the children for a long time and then to make sure you're close enough to be able to get home if it goes wrong. She was over 200 miles away.

We made a judgement and went for a weekend, taking my DM and DSis with us to spend the day with the children while we visited. It was a hard weekend, we got there at stupid o'clock on the Friday and we found out the next day she'd nearly died that night. We spent the day talking to her and around her and said our goodbyes. I hope she knew we made it, she died that night.
I will forever be grateful that we didn't wait and that I had family to support us getting there. It's been a comfort to us both. If there is any way you can go, in spite of what happened to your DM, please please do.

wigglesniggles · 24/04/2019 21:09

100% go for your sister, it will help her pass in peace. I hope you can find some support for your DH. Flowers

flapjackfairy · 24/04/2019 21:09

My dear aunt died on boxing day last year after a short illness. We were v close and she was like a second mum to me. I have 2 children with v complex needs and it us v hard to leave them at all.
My aunt wanted to see me and I her but I dreaded facing it. But whatever she wanted was what I was going to do it if I possibly could.
I moved heaven and earth to go for just 24 hrs. It was a 5 hour drive each way . My daughter and husband held the fort at home.
We got the chance to say all we needed to and I am so grateful for the time we had. I wish it had been longer. I felt so much better for doing it ( Though it was not really about me at that point ).
My husband and children went for a couple of days for the funeral and I stayed at home to care for my 2 boys. I had already told my aunt and uncle i would not be able to attend.
No guilt from me whatever you decide but make sure you will not regret whatever decision you make
So v sorry you are facing such an awful situation x .

Boysey45 · 24/04/2019 21:11

I think you should go see her OP, its about her now even if its just for an hour. The funeral doesn't matter as much I don't think.
Just get someone to sit with your husband for the day.
I think a text or email etc isn't really appropriate at this time.

pessimisticstateofperception · 24/04/2019 21:13

Oh yes op, forget about everything Hmm as if it's that easy.

For every person here who didn't regret going to see their loved one there is likely someone else who did go and they regret it so I wouldn't think too much about the stories being shared here.

Only you know what's going on in your life, how your sister would feel, how you would feel, how practical and financial arrangements would work out and what you can cope with at this point in time op.

Nobody else's opinion matters, what other people would do, could deal with and could handle doesn't matter either.

It's 100% up to you. Don't feel guilty, whatever you do, there's no right answer Flowers

Youseethethingis · 24/04/2019 21:25

What a heartbreaking time for you and your family OP Flowers
You know yourself better than anyone here but I think the regret of not going to see your sister one last time would be horribly difficult to live with, and once she is gone there is nothing and no-one in all the world that will be able to put it right for you.
I truly hope you find peace in whatever decision you come to.

whyohwhyowhydididoit · 24/04/2019 21:26

For people saying it will be helpful to the sister of OP goes - can we be sure that is true? The Op says they are exceptionally close, if that is the case the sister already knows the depth of OP’s love and regard for her and might be distressed to think OP was being taken away from her husband when he needs her. There are other family members around for the sister who hasn’t asked for the OP.

I speak with some current experience of people not wanting all their loved ones with them at the end. My dad refused to see anyone but my mum and I as he wanted peace. DM is currently receiving treatment for one cancer and is having tests for another. She has been adamamant that certain family members should not be told because she doesn’t want to burden them or call them away from their homes. Knowing my mum as well as I do I am sure there is also an element of keeping herself to herself when she is feeling vulnerable. I wouldn’t feel the same way but I still respect Mum’s choices.

CallMeRachel · 24/04/2019 21:40

I don't want to watch her dying

I'm sorry but it's not about you.

Put yourself in her shoes, surely to goodness she'd get comfort from her closest sister being there. She must be so scared.

Newmumma83 · 24/04/2019 21:40

Pick up the phone to your sister ( which I am sure you do) talk to her about how she feels too, she hasn’t asked but maybe offer

She may prefer you to remember you as she was and when you don’t need to feel torn ( as you have your husband and recent death of mother you are dealing with ) , if she does then you know what she wants and you can move from there.

I think sometimes the closer you are to someone the harder it is to be there, me and two of my cousins was with my grandad when he passed, my nan ( who was across the hall in hospital after having a heart attack) and my dad and his siblings was not in a place to be able to be there all the time, it’s not as grandchildren we didn’t love our grandchildren or were close but it was a different level of relationship.

My dad said his body language was always more comfortable with who the grandkids than his kids ... he said his dad was a proud man and his children seeing him like this may have been too much.

Maybe this is the case for your sister, i still
Worry and question everything that happened over those 3 days and nights ... did he get enough morphin ... did he not want morphin... did he know we were there ... was he ok with us there ... it goes on ... I can understand how after having that experience even if you can be the strongest person for your loved one at the time the haunting after of self doubt can be awful.

It’s not something I wish on anyone x x

But do what is likely to give you the most peace too ... your sister probably wants to look out for you as much as you do her x x