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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder why my husband is incapable?

402 replies

eeva90 · 24/04/2019 16:00

Long time lurker, first time poster...

DM and MIL have the same birthday. DH and I have been together 6 years and this has never been an issue. He will do something with MIL and I will do something with DM. Last year he went to MIL's and I took DS to DM's.

DM and MIL both have meals planned for this Sunday at similar times (v inconvenient). MIL has decided she would like her grandchildren there which is fine. I would like to see DM as DB is bringing his new GF to the meal and I want to meet her! I have said to DH, take the kids with you to the meal as MIL would love to spend the day with them.

DH is point blank refusing to take DC by himself. Says 2 kids is too much to handle (despite me doing it everyday). I have told him that MIL would be very hands on (as she always is with the kids) so he wouldn't be alone.

DH is now calling me selfish and unreasonable for 'ruining his mother's birthday because I won't take the kids!' Despite me being happy for DC to go with him...

AIBU? Or is he?

OP posts:
CryptoFascist · 25/04/2019 11:06

Good for you. I wish I'd been as decisive as you the first time my exH tried the storming out and not coming back overnight trick. Would have saved me years of this nonsense.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 25/04/2019 11:08

Good for you. Glad your DM and DF have your back. Stand your ground and let the little weasel find you. He's got some seriously apologising and a mindshift/change in attitude to do before I hope you'd even consider going back.

Original poster
eeva90 · 25/04/2019 11:09

@AryaStarkWolf I love him very much and I want him to change but I don't think he will. I don't want to spend 30 years of my life willing a man to change. He makes me feel so weak.

Before we were together I was very strong, very independent. 6 years of waiting on him hand and foot has broken that out of me.

OP posts:
CryptoFascist · 25/04/2019 11:11

Why have you waited on him hand and foot?
Why have you put yourself last? Are you afraid of his reaction if you expect him to do his fair share or prioritise you?

Moneys2Tight2Mention · 25/04/2019 11:12

OMG what a complete manchild.

I am shocked! Please don't let him walk all over you. Stand your ground. You got this. Lots of hugs xxx

AryaStarkWolf · 25/04/2019 11:15

@eeva90 I feel so sad reading that post of yours, it's so easy to lose yourself in situations like these and so hard to get yourself back when a pattern starts to form. I really hope you can stay strong and stand your ground and I hope that your DH does realise how out of order he's been. Just remember that you have a daughter who needs to see that this isn't how women should be treated and the same for your son really.

ForksintheRoad · 25/04/2019 11:15

I am sorry OP but the more you post the more he doesn't sound very nice.

My DH doesn't like me going away to visit my sister in London without taking one of our two DCs (now 12 & 15!), which annoys me as I know loads of friends whose husband let them do this a lot.

But there is no way he'd react to this situation by losing his temper and not coming home!!

Original poster
eeva90 · 25/04/2019 11:20

@CryptoFascist he's a very high earner and as soon as we got married he said I could give up work so we could have a family. At that point it sounded ideal to me as I wasn't massively far in my career and I was desperate for children.

I suppose I wanted to show him that I was grateful for him 'allowing me' to do this. And I felt guilty because I had seen first hand how hard he worked (we met at work) so I just got on with things. All my friends told me how lucky I was to have him and I just took that as not being good enough for him so I wanted to prove I was good enough by being his lovely little housewife who never answered back.

OP posts:
RestingBitchFaced · 25/04/2019 11:21

Wow! What a fucking prick! I'm sure he will come crawling back when he's run out of clean clothes. It will probably be your fault for 'making' him do it too. I would be livid

CryptoFascist · 25/04/2019 11:23

He'd pay a lot for a live in nanny, housekeeper and if they threw in sexual services too (sorry!), it would be worth a fortune. Don't feel grateful, you're being undervalued if anything.

Damntheman · 25/04/2019 11:24

Holy hell LET MIL show up at his office and give him both barrels! The prick deserves it. What kind of husband and father doesn't bother coming home or sending a text to let you know where he's at.

DO call MIL and ask if he stayed with her last night! Rage all the rage for everyone!

DogHairEverywhere · 25/04/2019 11:28

Eeva, your last post resonates with me. I gave up work to be a sahp with my dh's full support. We both felt it was the right thing to do. I lost myself and felt i had to do everything else to earn my share of the income. It took me going for counselling (on my own) to realise that i was worth a lot more than i was giving myself credit for. We then had a very frank discussion where i explained how unhappy i was with the situation and although things aren't nearly 50/50, they are much, much better and i do at least feel valued in what i bring to the table.

JellyBaby666 · 25/04/2019 11:33

Bloody hell that escalated quickly OP. I hope you're okay?

TinselAndKnickers · 25/04/2019 11:37

Bloody hell you are 10 times stronger than me. Thanks

DuffBeer · 25/04/2019 11:44

You said that in six years this is the first cunty thing that he's done - but that's clearly not the case based in n your later posts.

The dynamic is fucked. You have unfortunately facilitated his selfish behaviour but I'm glad to hear that the gloves are coming off now.

Just stay at your parents, don't contact him. Let him make the first move and when he does, you need to lay down some new ground rules ASAP

Benes · 25/04/2019 11:55

What a twat. How dare he just not come home.
He's trying to 'teach you a lesson' to prevent you from standing up to him.

Do not let him get away with this.

Kedgeree · 25/04/2019 12:01

He'll be back tonight because he knows you - he knows he can get away with last night, he knows you'll give him another chance, and another, and another. He has robbed you of your independence and made you his handmaiden. Only you know where your red line really is, but I suspect it's a long long way from here.

Quartz2208 · 25/04/2019 12:02

Yes having made the stand you need to see it through. He is punishing you for standing up to him

At the very least see it through the weekend - do not back down on that

diddl · 25/04/2019 12:10

I think that it was pretty obvious that he wouldn't come home after Op's threat.

BananasAreTheSourceOfEvil · 25/04/2019 12:10

Reminds me very much of me ex.

I wouldnt have left the house- Id have refused to let the cunt back in. Or turned up with his shit in a gym bag to his work, say hed forgotten something this morning and would someone mind giving it to him.

Let MIL know! Let the selfish little twat know everyone thinks hes a pig. Just be aware that whilst she may not like his behaviour, and she might tell him off... she will come down on his side at some point because thats her kid.

Personally, I wouldnt be staying with my parents- Id be moving him out to stay with his. Why should you have to take two babies out of their home because he's acting like a prick?

Original poster
eeva90 · 25/04/2019 12:11

I'm not contacting him. I will wait it out at my parents. He will be more bothered by an empty house. It's up to him what he does now, he can either choose to step up and be the father my children deserve and the husband I deserve or he can find somewhere else to live.

OP posts:
PCohle · 25/04/2019 12:16

I mean obviously you know him best, but it sounds like you quietly putting up with his tantrum and carrying on looking after the kids by yourself is exactly what he wants to happen.

I'd tell his mother, it's the only thing he seems to have admitted actually bothers him.

Herland · 25/04/2019 12:17

I can see how easily you have both fallen into the archetypes of your allocated roles. He thinks that he has most power. This is what has to change in your relationship.

If you love him and you want this to work the power balance has to change.

I agreed to be a stay at home parent when I got made redundant while on mat leave. But only after we set out our terms and conditions - I would be paid a wage into a separate bank account so I would never have to ask him for money and so that I could save. I would have money paid into my pension fund. I would do all of the kids washing, ironing etc but not his. I'd keep the house liveable but he would share bigger jobs at the weekend. We take turns cooking. This worked for us and we were lucky to be in a financial position to do it. I continued volunteering in my field to keep my skills and knowledge relevant and he would look after kids. We took turns to do bed time. I'm not sure my mental health or our relationship could have survived if he hadn't acknowledged the sacrifices I was making and worked hard to counteract them. It wasn't perfect but we are now past that stage.

Good luck Op. I hope you manage to work something out that is best for you and your babies. Flowers

CryptoFascist · 25/04/2019 12:20

Shame you can't wait at home with the children, then as soon as he gets home walk past him with an overnight bag, see how he likes having sole responsibility while you have a nice night in the pub then a sleepover at a friend's house.

DogHairEverywhere · 25/04/2019 12:21

Well done OP, i think you're doing the right thing. Good luck,

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