To wonder why my husband is incapable?

[eeva90]

Long time lurker, first time poster...

DM and MIL have the same birthday. DH and I have been together 6 years and this has never been an issue. He will do something with MIL and I will do something with DM. Last year he went to MIL's and I took DS to DM's.

DM and MIL both have meals planned for this Sunday at similar times (v inconvenient). MIL has decided she would like her grandchildren there which is fine. I would like to see DM as DB is bringing his new GF to the meal and I want to meet her! I have said to DH, take the kids with you to the meal as MIL would love to spend the day with them.

DH is point blank refusing to take DC by himself. Says 2 kids is too much to handle (despite me doing it everyday). I have told him that MIL would be very hands on (as she always is with the kids) so he wouldn't be alone.

DH is now calling me selfish and unreasonable for 'ruining his mother's birthday because I won't take the kids!' Despite me being happy for DC to go with him...

AIBU? Or is he?

Would he have gone to mil

Do you really need to ask if yabu?

He is being useless. If he was this shit at work, he'd be sacked. He should be reasonably competent at this point in his "job' as dad.

OP, I've just RTFT and I'm gobsmacked and so angry for you. I can't believe he's blown this so far out of proportion, it's like he's dig himself a massive hole and is too proud to ask for any help getting out. This is not your fault, I can't believe he's blaming you and being furious you spoke to his DM. Stay strong OP, I hope he returns full of apologies.

Yes @CryptoFascist

This. With bloody bells on. Pisses me off that men think it's okay to do this. It's totally not. Because it's not equal and it's not fair.

They go off to the fucking pub and leave you with the responsibility because they know/think they can.

I heartily concur with Crypto and suggest you pack your own overnight bag and fuck off to wherever you like for a night and see how he fucking likes it.

Ugh. Rage.

Also OP, ask him, why, if he believes that he was right originally would he be angry that you told his mother? He's basically admitted that he was a cunt originally and you had every right to be pissed off with him because if he wasn't he wouldn't care who you told about it because you were the one who was wrong. Right?

You don't need to tell MIl, but you should tell dh that you have done.

Let him call her grovelling.

All my friends told me how lucky I was to have him and I just took that as not being good enough for him

I would have taken that as they thought their own husbands were a bit shit and would like them to be more like they thought yours was, not that they thought you weren't good enough for him.

Thanks everyone for your comments! It's making me feel a lot better. And giving me the strength I need to stand up to him. I'll keep you all updated!

He sounds like a dick.
Well done for standing up to him!

I'd tell MIL. He sees everything as your fault at the moment anyway, so you may as well be hung for a sheep as a lamb.

He's a fucking knob.

'Sorry, MIL, not sure if they'll be coming or not. DH got pissed off that I told you he didn't want to take both kids, so he went to the pub after work on Wednesday night and never came home. I've gone to my mother's with the kids and haven't heard from him. xeeva'

Overreaction on his part for sure. Can't wait to hear his justification!

I think tail will be very firmly between his legs in a day or so, especially once his mother finds out what he's done

Wow - what a prick he is.
Well done on standing up to him.
Stand firm.
Stay at your parents for now.
for you

I wouldn't be involving his parents, be honest if they contact you but too much parental involvement can lead to long-term issues if you do stay together. Take care.

MIL may not be the best support. Given that she was too quick to offer to do the ferrying herself, I wouldn't be surprised to find that she enabled this kind of attitude by doing everything for her sons growing up.

@MulticolourMophead I hate to badmouth her because she is a lovely lady but she has 4 sons who are all children in men's bodies. FIL died when DH was 10 so she's spent a lot of their lives pandering to them out of guilt!

No matter how your MIL raised her sons your husband has had a long time to grow up and become a parent. No one learns how to be a parent anyway but on the job, no matter what their upbringing.

eeva90 Sadly, your update doesn't surprise me.

From your own descriptions, your DH is getting you to do everything in the way his mum would, which also explains why he went off the deep end so quickly. He doesn't want to have to do anything so thinks that by getting so cross so quickly, you'll drop back in your box and resuming facilitating his laziness.

I used to have one with elements of this laziness, hence he's an ex. They rarely change IMO, I found out after the split that he was just as lazy with the first wife (who is now a good friend).

eeva90 it isn't bad mouthing someone to recognise their shortcomings. There is no such thing as a perfect parent!!!!! We all make mistakes - some have more significant ramifications than others. In this case pandering to her 4 sons, in the mistaken belief that she could somehow make up for the death of their Dad, has, as you rightly point out, not done them any favours.

However, that said, your H holds down a high-powered and stressful job, so he can't be a complete baby, He is capable and by the sounds of things successful in the workplace, so therefore there is no reason why he can't be capable in the home too. We all know that looking after children is not rocket science, but it is fairly relentless, hard graft when they are small and not necessarily immediately rewarding. So, your H is not incapable, as he sounds like a fairly intelligent and normal individual - he is CHOOSING not to be able!

Additionally, you are feeling grateful for being able to be a SAHM - even though this was a choice that you both agreed to for your family - and so you are trying to show appreciation, basically by doing the exact same thing his mother did, which is pander to him at home.

Now, you've pushed back and he's had a meltdown. Hence the proper conversation needed!

I’m appalled! What a truly awful, selfish and spiteful little man!

I’m so sorry!

@MargoLovebutter yeah totally agree, of course he's capable, he just doesn't want to/thinks it's a womans job.

Hi OP you said earlier that you still love him but want him to change. My DH displayed this same type of behaviour when we were younger. I stuck it out and he did change when he eventually grew up. We are still together after 30+ years . I do sometimes wonder why I wasted those years being miserable and what life for me and DD would have been like if I had had the courage to leave him . The problem is no crystal ball! I really feel for you and hope you're ok.

There is a very big difference between incapable and unwilling. I think you know which he is choosing. I would speak to his mother and let him be the bad guy. He IS the bad guy. What a dick.