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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder why my husband is incapable?

402 replies

eeva90 · 24/04/2019 16:00

Long time lurker, first time poster...

DM and MIL have the same birthday. DH and I have been together 6 years and this has never been an issue. He will do something with MIL and I will do something with DM. Last year he went to MIL's and I took DS to DM's.

DM and MIL both have meals planned for this Sunday at similar times (v inconvenient). MIL has decided she would like her grandchildren there which is fine. I would like to see DM as DB is bringing his new GF to the meal and I want to meet her! I have said to DH, take the kids with you to the meal as MIL would love to spend the day with them.

DH is point blank refusing to take DC by himself. Says 2 kids is too much to handle (despite me doing it everyday). I have told him that MIL would be very hands on (as she always is with the kids) so he wouldn't be alone.

DH is now calling me selfish and unreasonable for 'ruining his mother's birthday because I won't take the kids!' Despite me being happy for DC to go with him...

AIBU? Or is he?

OP posts:
RedForShort · 25/04/2019 09:51

Oh I'm sorry OP. Awful situation for you.

You don't need to do anything 'next' straightaway. Give yourself a bit of time, 24 hours at least. It's very possible your eyes have been opened to the man he actual is and youll start realising things in the last six years really mean about the dynamics of your relationship.

You may need to contact your MIL now though. Explain what the situation is before his story gets to her ears. (True situation being got angry with you for letting her know about what she might expect on her birthday and he's not come home. His story might be you're trying to make him look bad and made up facts about Sunday and went mad at him for objecting to that.)

Ninkaninus · 25/04/2019 09:52

No, I disagree. I’d stay away, for at least a week (if it’s okay with your mum). I’d let him stew and let him work out that I’m angry and disappointed, I would not be in touch at all during that time. If he wants to play that game I can go ten times longer and harder. I would get in touch with his mother though, exactly as another poster said - to speak to her, not him, and let her know exactly what a baby he’s been. And yes, I’d arrange to drop the children off with her on the day (if she’s happy with that). I wouldn’t speak to him until he had some idea of just how unreasonable he’s been.

LagunaBubbles · 25/04/2019 09:55

He's actually been very good the past few weeks whilst DD has had a chest infection and DS has been invested in ensuring that the terrible two's live up to their name

OP I feel sad reading this as you sound so grateful, that's just parenting, not something special that he's doing!

I think it's disgusting he didn't come home and hasn't contacted you. To me that's not just an awful way of dealing with problems in a relationship but very cruel to the other person.

AryaStarkWolf · 25/04/2019 09:57

OP I feel sad reading this as you sound so grateful, that's just parenting, not something special that he's doing!

This. And this is why men get away with it, like it's almost ingrained in us to think they're doing something amazing when they're just being a fucking parent like women do all the time

woolduvet · 25/04/2019 09:59

Take your time. Hopefully he'll realise what an arse he's been and step up.
Or maybe not.
I'd be in touch with his mum just to let her know you're worried about him, you'll drop the children off at x time etc if he hasn't been in touch.
Take care of yourself, you have done nothing wrong.

Kedgeree · 25/04/2019 10:00

Well that escalated quickly! So he is a cunt after all. Now you know just how afraid of his children he is. So afraid that he's walked out rather than face the prospect of having to look after them, with help from someone who loves them, for a few hours.
Dealbreaker I'm sorry to say. You know everything you need to know about him now. Phone his mum and tell her he's left you over the issue of her birthday lunch.

user1494670108 · 25/04/2019 10:01

Omg, sounds like he is punishing you for daring to stand up to him. Stay st your mothers and do not contact him - he must make the first move. Tbh I'd go for a dignified silence and hopefully he'll work it out for himself.
What a dick. I think you need to talk seriously about what he expects parenting to entail. It's hard as well as fun so don't be the one to always do all the chores while he plays with them when he feels like it.
(I'm a Sahm who is similar to you in attitude in that I did most of the grunt as he was at work long hours but one of the best things I ever did was a weekend away when they were about 18m and 4, he really did understand better after that)

Kedgeree · 25/04/2019 10:02

Oh, and it's not only men who behave like this. In our circle we have a couple where the DW is the high-earning, WOH, stressful job person and she also won't be left alone with both of her DC at the same time. This means that her SAHF DH never gets a break.

churchthecat · 25/04/2019 10:05

Fucking hell, he sounds awful.

AryaStarkWolf · 25/04/2019 10:06

Oh, and it's not only men who behave like this.

No it isn't always the man but it is the vast majority of the time, lets be honest

Weenurse · 25/04/2019 10:10

I wonder if he thinks he is actually being reasonable?

Gatehouse77 · 25/04/2019 10:12

Personally, I would do nothing other than what I had planned anyway.
Wait for him to stop sulking and acting like a petulant child.

I would tell him that I'm at home ready to talk it through when he's prepared to have a calm, rational discussion.

Kedgeree · 25/04/2019 10:24

AryaStark indeed. I'd never heard of it until we realised this was the case with the couple we know.

Ruru8thestars · 25/04/2019 10:30

What a dick

PlinkPlink · 25/04/2019 10:39

What a man child!!

He doesn't like what you've done (despite you being right to do so) so he responds by getting drunk and staying out all night to punish you.

No no no no no.

This isn't right at all.

One time, one time he has to take both of the kids and it's not even you who's asked. It's his own mother!

DogHairEverywhere · 25/04/2019 10:43

I'd be tempted to let his mother know the situation, dressed up as concern for his whereabouts.

I think this is a turning point for your relationship. If you back down now, you've accepted his failings and he will have learnt that all he has to do is throw a strop and you will back down. If you stand strong, then he has the opportunity to step up.

You may need to bring to his attention that if you split up, he will have both dc eow, or equivalent.

Hopefully, he will have used the time to realise how much you do and how easy he has it and will be willing to do his share. It is possible for them to change, when faced with an ultimatum. My dh is much better than he used to be, partly because he realised i was not a walkover (but also, in part, because the children are older now).

TheInvestigator · 25/04/2019 10:44

Look, if you want to leave him then you are not financially stuck.

You call up your bank and change your address. Your mum calls the council tax and removes her single person discount (if she gets one). You change your address on anything else important. Then you call and put in a universal credits claim and call the CMS to start a child maintenance claim.

It will be hard couple of months, but you'll have some money coming in once that's all started up. You're also entitled to at least half of the marital assets so take some money out of any joint accounts to see you through and go and see a solicitor.

That's all huge and extreme though, but his behaviour is very bad and you don't sound too happy if you were off to your mum's after one fight. So if you want to leave, you won't be left with nothing.

AryaStarkWolf · 25/04/2019 10:52

What has your own DM said about it OP?

sadkoala · 25/04/2019 10:56

What an awful person.

Sounds like he's trying to keep you in line.
"OP doesn't do as I want and expects me to take responsibility for my own children so I will make her worry/punish her so she doesn't step out of line again".

Ohyesiam · 25/04/2019 10:57

He’s not incapable, he just doesn’t want to parent his children.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 25/04/2019 10:59

I'd be tempted to let his mother know the situation, dressed up as concern for his whereabouts.

Exactly. Let him have it with both barrels. Disgraceful behaviour.

Original poster
eeva90 · 25/04/2019 11:00

@AryaStarkWolf DM and DF are furious!

OP posts:
CryptoFascist · 25/04/2019 11:02

So he chose the massive tantrum and manipulation route.
Shows how he really is as a person, to do this as soon as you don't give him his own way.
What would happen if you decided to literally leave him holding the baby when he didn't go along with your wishes?
I'd be leaving his bags on the doorstep but I'm a jaded old sod these days.
For you it's time for the come to Jesus talk. Lay it on the line that any more of this shite and it's curtains for him.

Original poster
eeva90 · 25/04/2019 11:04

Haven't called MIL because she will panic. And probably turn up at his office!

Feeling very lucky that I have a supportive family! Don't know what I would be doing if I didn't. Spent the last 6 years rolling over to him to let him get his own way and this won't be happening again. If he doesn't come back tonight then we're done. He's let me down too often.

OP posts:
AryaStarkWolf · 25/04/2019 11:05

@eeva90 Good, I'm glad they have your back. I know people are telling you to go home but I think it would have more impact on him if you and the kids weren't there when he decides to come home. It means he can't just come back and give you the silent treatment or whatever, it mean he needs to seek you out if he wants to sort this out. Plus it's good for you to have your parents support at the moment I think.

What do you think you will do?

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