Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder why my husband is incapable?

402 replies

eeva90 · 24/04/2019 16:00

Long time lurker, first time poster...

DM and MIL have the same birthday. DH and I have been together 6 years and this has never been an issue. He will do something with MIL and I will do something with DM. Last year he went to MIL's and I took DS to DM's.

DM and MIL both have meals planned for this Sunday at similar times (v inconvenient). MIL has decided she would like her grandchildren there which is fine. I would like to see DM as DB is bringing his new GF to the meal and I want to meet her! I have said to DH, take the kids with you to the meal as MIL would love to spend the day with them.

DH is point blank refusing to take DC by himself. Says 2 kids is too much to handle (despite me doing it everyday). I have told him that MIL would be very hands on (as she always is with the kids) so he wouldn't be alone.

DH is now calling me selfish and unreasonable for 'ruining his mother's birthday because I won't take the kids!' Despite me being happy for DC to go with him...

AIBU? Or is he?

OP posts:
Disfordarkchocolate · 25/04/2019 09:09

I don't think today is a next steps day if you're at your Mums. Take some time to be looked after then talk openly when he's realized where you are.

SallyWD · 25/04/2019 09:11

He's being ridiculous!

Soubriquet · 25/04/2019 09:13

Well he is a twat really isn’t he?

Really pointing out how much of a dick he is

Ninkaninus · 25/04/2019 09:17

He’s even worse than it first appeared.

He could have redeemed himself a little by being circumspect and coming back with an apology and a commitment to doing better, but no, he couldn’t help but show his true colours.

He is a twat.

I think we’d be having crisis talks and I’d give him one chance, and a given timeframe, to get himself out of selfish, entitled twat mode and properly respectful of you and committed to actually parenting his children. With actual agreement to do on his own every week, regularly, as a matter of course.

He would be told that if he ever flounced off like an spoilt man baby again and stayed away all night with no communication from him to let me know what’s going on, that would mark an immediate end to our relationship.

I’m not sure I could ever look at him with anything but complete disdain, if I’m honest. It would be the end of any respect I had for him. What an utter baby of a man, running away because you said something he didn’t like. And the fact that this big tantrum is happening because he might be expected to look after his children just makes it even worse - I wouldn’t even be able to delude myself that he’s a good father, like so many women do.

I’d stay at your mum’s for a bit and think about things.

CitadelsofScience · 25/04/2019 09:19

What an absolute child he is. He doesn't come home in some silly effort to show you he's in charge? Willy waving at its finest.

Yes a 2yr old and a 6 month old baby fills most of us with fear even if we are used to it but that's no excuse to not know how to raise your own children.

diddl · 25/04/2019 09:20

Ah now if you stay there for the planned bday meal with your mum, it'll be your fault that his mum didn't get to see the kids at her bday mealHmm

How feasible is staying with your mum whilst you decide what to do?

Herland · 25/04/2019 09:24

How are you feeling about it all? In terms of next steps, what would you like to happen next. Picture yourself in a years time at your happiest, what does that look like? Then you talk to him and ask him the same question. Are your visions compatible? If not you know your answer. If they are our could be with small (and I mean very small) compromises then work together.

But whatever happens he needs to take full responsibility for not coming home last night and needs to understand that it can't happen again. Sorry from the worry and upset it causes, it is modelling terrible conflict resolution for your kids. You want them to see you have arguments (inevitable) and then talk about them, debate, disagree with respect and kindness. Not avoidance and silent treatment. I know they are young still but they will absorb it.

BarbarianMum · 25/04/2019 09:25

The next move is his move. Stay at your mum's and see what he does. Not what he says (talk is cheap) but what he does.

Ihatehashtags · 25/04/2019 09:25

Are you serious OP?!! He is a child. Don’t contact him. Stay at your mums as long as you want. Then go home and tell him if he doesn’t change it’s over.

woolduvet · 25/04/2019 09:27

I hope everything settled down last night and he stepped up.

cees · 25/04/2019 09:28

What a prick. Imagine actually parenting your own children has him throwing such an immature strop. He is pathetic. Good luck op

SleepingStandingUp · 25/04/2019 09:28

If he keeps this up for a few days he'll get out of taking them to the meal and then can apologise and it all go back to normal, in his head at least

Herland · 25/04/2019 09:30

@sleeping I thought the same thing. I reckon you should drop the kids off at your MIL on Sunday morning with an overnight bag and a birthday card.

Sindragosan · 25/04/2019 09:31

Give it a couple of days to see what happens. If he's been out drinking and has now gone off to work, probably won't have a chance to talk properly until later.

KnifeAngel · 25/04/2019 09:32

What a selfish prick. If you decide to continue your relationship I think this manchild then you need to get him to step up. How have you put up with this for so long? My DH has always looked after our two whenever he needed to. There are so many selfish, lazy men out there.

Alwaysgrey · 25/04/2019 09:33

He sounds awful. I can understand for some not so hands on dads that a two year old and 6 month old might seem daunting if you’re on the lazier side.

I’ve got three kids, two are autistic (one severely so). There’s a small gap between the two autistic kids but my dh takes them out alone. He doesn’t fuck off to the pub when he’s expected to take care of his own kids.

mogtheexcellent · 25/04/2019 09:35

Well he has shown his true colours now. It will take some serious work on his part if he wants to salvage anything. I would go home and send him a message to go to his mums and stay there.

Rach182 · 25/04/2019 09:35

I reckon you should drop the kids off at your MIL on Sunday morning with an overnight bag and a birthday card.

I agree with this- if your MIL is happy to have them, that is.

Also agree with other posters that you should just try and get some rest while you can, as I imagine the next few days will be quite stressful for you OP. Let him contact you and see what his attitude is/ where he stands.

I hope it all works out for you and the children.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 25/04/2019 09:36

He didn't come home last night.

That's appalling. So sorry.

He has totally brought this on himself. You didn't say anything to his DM that he hadn't said himself. Can only hope he is feeling hungover, ashamed and embarrassed.

Glad you are your DMs. Stay there for the time being! He needs to step up and stop acting like a petulant child. If he can cope with a stressful job, he can cope with being a parent (if only for a couple of hours at a time.) Utterly pathetic. Hope you're OK Flowers

MargoLovebutter · 25/04/2019 09:39

Wow! That escalated fast. I can't believe he didn't come home.

Tempting though it may be, I wouldn't stay at your DMs. Go home and get DM to come with you, if you would like some support, but get yourself back in your family home.

Other than checking the silly fucker is still alive, I wouldn't contact him but wait for him to come home and then you need to have a proper conversation, so ideally DM or MIL babysit and you both go out and get to the bottom of this.

GummyGoddess · 25/04/2019 09:39

My next steps would be to let him know that the birthday day is his with the children and that you will be alternating. Also asking him which midweek days he will be having them.

I think the idea of all that responsibility will terrify him into being apologetic and hopefully realising how stupid he is being.

stayathomer · 25/04/2019 09:43

OP I agree with the poster who said today isn't the next steps day. This has spiralled and rightly so really, it was probably due to happen but it might not be anything more than a blip that will hopefully lead to him seeing you do everything. I'm a sahm with a hard worker for a husband, and I feel the guilt and I do nearly everything, with periods of him doing tons and telling everyone I'm amazing. You most likely love him,you most likely have a great relationship outside of him thinking you're doing a job as he is so all of that has to be born in mind. I hope it all works out

DianaPrincessOfThemyscira · 25/04/2019 09:45

What sort of pathetic father can’t look after his own two kids? What sort of pathetic son puts his desire to have a drink before making sure his mother has a nice birthday? What sort of pathetic husband has a temper tantrum and doesn’t come home because he’s exposed the above HIMSELF?!

I’m sure you’re very upset OP but I’m fucking fuming on your behalf. He needs a good hard dose of reality and has some growing up to do.

Rainbowqueeen · 25/04/2019 09:45

I agree with gummygoddess

Go home. He needs to find somewhere else to stay

It’s sad that he really has no idea how stupid, ineffectual and useless his behaviour makes him look

LillithsFamiliar · 25/04/2019 09:46

Have you called MIL? I'd call under the pretext of seeing if he's there but really to let her know what an absolute arse he is. Even if he is there, don't ask to speak to him. Just say you were checking since he hadn't bothered being adult enough to let you know.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.