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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think she shouldn't have stayed away with DD?

526 replies

rostronlorn · 24/04/2019 11:51

DH is working at sea so it's just me and DD 18 months at home. MIL arranged to take DD and her 2 other grandkids (4 and 7) to an adventure farm type place on Easter Saturday for an Easter Egg hunt event. There was also a petting zoo and face painting etc. I originally was going to go along with them but am 5 weeks pregnant and experiencing awful sickness. DD was bored with me unable to take her out so when MIL offered to take her anyway I said yes.

The adventure park is a 2 hours drive away. The reason she chose this and not somewhere nearer is because it is owned and run by her close friend. MIL doesn't drive and got the train. She picked up DD at 9 to catch the 9:30 train. I was told they'd be catching the 5:30 train back and DD would be back at 6. As soon as she picked DD up I went back to bed. Around 5 I get up and everything seems fine, MIO has sent pics etc. Expecting DD back in less than an hour I decide to make a start on our tea. Then about 5:45 I get a frantic text from MIL saying she'd missed the train. It was the last train of the day. She wasn't willing to ask a family member for help and claimed she didn't have any money for a taxi which I found somewhat odd. Despite feeling like shit I offered to go and pick them all up and she insisted she couldn't allow me to do that. I said it was fine etc, it didn't matter because it was my DD and she hung up.

She phones 10 minutes later and says her friend is coming to get her and they will stay the night at hers and come home first thing. I still insisted on getting DD but she said "No. Get some rest. Will have DD back by lunchtime tomorrow." I rang SIL and she seemed fine about what MIL waa doing. I couldn't pick my DD up as I didn't have the friends address. I went to bed thouroghly pissed off because I saw from the photos that DD's clothes got muddy at the farm and I hadn't packed enough nappies for an overnight.

She returns DD at 1pm (she said between 11-12) and acts like it's no big deal. I did make an offhand comment to her that I found it a bit uncomfortable that my toddled spent the night in a house with people I have never met and that I would've been happy to come and collect them all or pay some of the taxi fare for them so they could have come home that night. MIL has been quite funny about it and said she won't be so keen to take DD out in future. AIBU?

OP posts:
Gettingthroughthedays · 24/04/2019 13:01

If she withheld the address for you to collect I'd be absolutely furious! It is your child.

But if you didn't ask for it, you trust the MIL and your DD had a great time then I'm sorry but I don't see an issue with it. I do believe from what you've said that she wanted her to stay but that's probably to give you a break and let DD spend time with her cousins.

If you didn't pack a change of clothes then I'm sure they will have been washed and a pair of PJs and nappies picked up.

Unless you requested address to collect her and it was refused I think YABU. Sorry, early pregnancy it's such a difficult time! X

NKFell · 24/04/2019 13:01

MN never fails to be so incredibly anti GP and anti MIL.

All of this "I would miss my lo so much" is making me cringe.

Chill out, it's really not a big deal and I'm not surprised you've put her off taking your DD out again.

I have 4 DC and know they are safe and loved with their Gran.

hsegfiugseskufh · 24/04/2019 13:02

Was DD clean and fed? Was she well rested?
Did DD have fun and like hanging out with her cousins and grandma?

well an 18mo cant answer this, and considering MIL is being dishonest, she probably wont answer them either!

yolofish · 24/04/2019 13:03

the thing is, OP couldnt get any extra rest because of the stress MIL caused, not just by staying away overnight but then by coming back later than expected the next day. I'd have been out of my mind.

What did she say when she got back OP? (MIL not DD!)

Gettingthroughthedays · 24/04/2019 13:04

Sorry I've just seen seen 'won't be too keen on taking her in future'. That's not right. How did you react to this? Was she defensive?

If it was my MILI would have been fine albeit a bit annoyed. She's safe with her grandparents, they brought up your other half.

Maybe look at how you both handled it before you come to a conclusion x

Branleuse · 24/04/2019 13:04

I think your MIL did something nice for you, your dd and for herself. I think you should chill out

DibsTheCat · 24/04/2019 13:05

@NKFell It's the way she went about it. The lying.

foreverhanging · 24/04/2019 13:07

I wouldn't be happy with this at all. You are her mum and you should be able to collect her from this mystery address if you so wish. I don't like it at all

canadianbanana · 24/04/2019 13:08

I agree with OP. I would not have been happy with my 18 month old being away from home overnight with a grandmother who wasn’t even able to arrange to get to the train on time. And as some are suggesting, if MIL planned it all along, I would have been really pissed off that she didn’t say that, nor even asked. A bunch of you are saying you’d just sit back and enjoy the time off - if that was me, I’d have been worried about how my DD was, not leaping into a bubble bath and off to bed with a good book.

PrincessScarlett · 24/04/2019 13:09

OP, did you ask her for the address or did you just not pursue it when MIL told you not to collect her?

GPatz · 24/04/2019 13:09

I know that my DC are safe and loved with their MIL because I know that my MIL would never do something like this without my or my DH's agreement.

She also never throws her toys out the pram either if we don't agree to something.

AfterSchoolWorry · 24/04/2019 13:12

I would have drove and got the child. The cheeky bitch wouldn't be trusted with my child again.

AllTheFours44 · 24/04/2019 13:13

Honestly? You sound like a pain in the arse. You should be grateful your MIL was happy to have your child and give you a break. You know she was safe. Is it really worth the shit storm you’re intent on making?

TheCatDidSay · 24/04/2019 13:14

Mum, mil, aunt, brother. Doesn’t matter who, nobody but the parents get to decide if the child is staying out. The dad is working aboard so that choice is the mums, granny doesn’t have parental responsibility so she doesn’t get to make the choice. The op wanted her dd back that’s all that matters. The granny deliberately didn’t and wouldn’t let her come and collect her. I would of called the police no fucks given she did not have permission.

GabsAlot · 24/04/2019 13:15

no trains past 5? unless your in the middle of nowhere that doesnt sound true and it was saturday aswell-if there wa sno engineering works as she got the train there threre prob wouldnt be any on the way back

UniversalAunt · 24/04/2019 13:17

Experienced Auntie here of many decades.

I would not dream of keeping toddlers away from mum & dad for a moment longer than agreed. Of course, traffic jams, delays etc happen but whatever mum & dad say is what happens.

I am in ‘loco parentis’ & so responsible for their safety, wellbeing, ice-cream & having optimal fun. I have no wish or grounds to disregard their parents’s wishes & preferences.

It seems to me that your MiL did not try too hard (or at all) to make the train home. She knew the hosts well & could rely on them putting the brood up. Were the venue not known & friendly, she sure as hell would have made the last train out of Dodge City, because she could not rely on anyone & may not have enough money for taxi/hotel.

So MiL either planned this or let matters take the course because she knew she & the kids would be OK, but you & your wellbeing did not cross or figure in her mind.
Yes, you got a few hours to yourself - she could have gone to the park or had them at hers - BUT she also gave you a night on your own, early stages of pregnancy, missing your LO & not knowing how they were & in a place with people you did not know, plus she dismissed your concerns & blocked you getting your child. She caused you angst, loss of sleep & annoyance.

You gave her your trust & she abused it.
You can both come back from this.

I reckon your MiL is prolly very responsible & a good Gma, To give her the benefit of the doubt, it seems to me that she has assumed that what works for your SIL & her DC will also work for you but a)she has not taken into account that you are a more recent mother, b) you are vulnerable - OH away & early pregnancy hormones & c) she & SiL have had time to get to know each other & their arrangements have evolved.

Time to have an honest conversation with MiL.
Do not bottle this up.
Set some ground rules so that your benefits are mutual.
Pregnancy hormones speak to an evolutionary truth, do not diss them.

coconutpie · 24/04/2019 13:17

Would people RTFT. OP has said a few posts up that she repeatedly asked for address but MIL refused saying OP wasn't feeling well so didn't want her driving.

Also, a taxi would never have been an option as she didn't have any car seats with her. If that were me and my MIL would not give me the address of where my child was when she was supposed to bring my child home, I would have phoned the police.

hsegfiugseskufh · 24/04/2019 13:18

Honestly? You sound like a pain in the arse. You should be grateful your MIL was happy to have your child and give you a break. You know she was safe. Is it really worth the shit storm you’re intent on making?

woman is pain in the arse as her child is taken away from her and staying at an unknown location two hours away, with people woman and child do not know, and she is concerned about that.

I wouldn't call that being a pain in the arse, i'd call that being a decent mother. I would question anyones parenting who didn't give a shit about the welfare of their 18mo.

BertrandRussell · 24/04/2019 13:20

“She won't be so keen to take DD out in future'.”

I suppose the response depends a bit on the way she was received when she brought the child home. If she was greeted with some of the “cheeky bitch” “she was obviously lying” type comments then it’s not surprising, is it?

hsegfiugseskufh · 24/04/2019 13:20

and sorry but OP didn't know her child was safe.

She was somewhere she did not know, miles away from home, we don't know the sleeping arrangements, we don't know who else was there. You cant categorically say that she was safe.

I would hedge my bets that it probably wasn't that safe, actually.

UniversalAunt · 24/04/2019 13:20

& yes, you can point out that it would not have been unreasonable of you to have called the police when she did not turn up as expected, & you were so concerned.

Nameusernameuser · 24/04/2019 13:21

I'm the first to send my 18 month old off to Grandma's to have a sleepover and get some rest, but I'd actually be fuming about this! If I expected my son home and wanted him home, he would be. If MIL refused to hand over friends address I would have gone to the farm and said I'm 10 mins away what's the house number etc. Not sure why as I love MIL and she'd never do anything silly with my son, but I'd feel the same as you all the same.

AllTheFours44 · 24/04/2019 13:27

She trusted her enough to let her have her for the day. It’s strange now she’s been accused of being an untrustworthy danger.

No matter, I would imagine it’ll be the last time the grandmother offers to take her anywhere.

DizzySue · 24/04/2019 13:27

I wouldn't make a big fuss about this, it would however be the last time (I'm a very long while) that I let her have DD. I'd be keeping her, politely, at arms length.

She cannot be trusted and if I were you I'd line up other means of practical help and support for when the baby arrives.

Seaweed42 · 24/04/2019 13:28

It was a stunt. Clearly. She took the choice from you by not telling you where your child was spending the night. I'd be pretty annoyed too.
Also she missed the train at 4.30, then didn't let the child's mother know till 5.45.

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