To think she shouldn't have stayed away with DD?

[rostronlorn]

DH is working at sea so it's just me and DD 18 months at home. MIL arranged to take DD and her 2 other grandkids (4 and 7) to an adventure farm type place on Easter Saturday for an Easter Egg hunt event. There was also a petting zoo and face painting etc. I originally was going to go along with them but am 5 weeks pregnant and experiencing awful sickness. DD was bored with me unable to take her out so when MIL offered to take her anyway I said yes.

The adventure park is a 2 hours drive away. The reason she chose this and not somewhere nearer is because it is owned and run by her close friend. MIL doesn't drive and got the train. She picked up DD at 9 to catch the 9:30 train. I was told they'd be catching the 5:30 train back and DD would be back at 6. As soon as she picked DD up I went back to bed. Around 5 I get up and everything seems fine, MIO has sent pics etc. Expecting DD back in less than an hour I decide to make a start on our tea. Then about 5:45 I get a frantic text from MIL saying she'd missed the train. It was the last train of the day. She wasn't willing to ask a family member for help and claimed she didn't have any money for a taxi which I found somewhat odd. Despite feeling like shit I offered to go and pick them all up and she insisted she couldn't allow me to do that. I said it was fine etc, it didn't matter because it was my DD and she hung up.

She phones 10 minutes later and says her friend is coming to get her and they will stay the night at hers and come home first thing. I still insisted on getting DD but she said "No. Get some rest. Will have DD back by lunchtime tomorrow." I rang SIL and she seemed fine about what MIL waa doing. I couldn't pick my DD up as I didn't have the friends address. I went to bed thouroghly pissed off because I saw from the photos that DD's clothes got muddy at the farm and I hadn't packed enough nappies for an overnight.

She returns DD at 1pm (she said between 11-12) and acts like it's no big deal. I did make an offhand comment to her that I found it a bit uncomfortable that my toddled spent the night in a house with people I have never met and that I would've been happy to come and collect them all or pay some of the taxi fare for them so they could have come home that night. MIL has been quite funny about it and said she won't be so keen to take DD out in future. AIBU?

I would have been furious and would have got the friends address and collected my child.
YANBU.

I think I'm on another planet sometimes. No, of course yanbu. I'd be absolutely fuming and I'm normally very laid back but this is totally out of order.

There wouldn't be a next time for me I'm afraid, but if there was, a monotone "please bring my DD home now" or "no, I'm coming for my DD now" should do it.

I wouldn't be happy with this at all, you don't know the friend and your DD is still only little.

I would have lost my shit with my MIL (or my mother for that matter) if they did that.

The bit that would have bothered me would have been refusing to let you come and get your DD (and by not giving you the address, she was basically saying the equivalent of "no, I've decided she's staying and you can't do anything about it".) I'm not sure I'd have necessarily been bothered by the situation itself, so if it had been me I might not have suggested coming to get everyone so the issue of not giving me the address wouldn't have come up, but since it did, and you weren't given it, I don't think you're being unreasonable to be cross.

*unexpected

I’d be furious if anyone kept my child over night without my permission! That is a decision for a parent to make, not a grandparent even if her intentions were good!

I wouldn't have liked this at all. I don't blame you for being pissed off OP

I know she was being looked after by grandma but it didn't sit right with me.

What dis you think Grandma was going to do with her? sell her into the white slave trade ? Does she have form for trafficking children?

TBH yes she probably did tell a couple of white lies. Would your partner be lobbing his toys out of the pram about this?

MIL has been quite funny about it and said she won't be so keen to take DD out in future

Problem solved, she wont be taking the child anywhere again.

I can't believe people think that this is ok. I get on great with my MIL and if she had asked to have a sleepover in this context I would have said no problem because my DC love visiting her and she's great with them and always has their interests at the forefront. She would also never lie to me, hang up on me or withhold information regarding the kids.

OP's MIL has shot herself in the foot and stirred up bad feeling.

How did she manage the lack of nappies? Did she buy more?

YANBU I get on reallywell with my MIL but if she did that I'd go fucking mental.

I also would have driven closer to where they'd been for the day and not left until I had my child back.

There's a massive difference between a planned stay away and your child basically being kept away from you.

Honestly, I wouldn't let her take your child anywhere without you again anytime soon.

OP- unless your mil is a cow in other ways, don’t be swayed by the anti mil brigade who are piling on. People miss trains. It happens. Nobody wants to pay for a 2 hour taxi journey-and she wouldn’t have had a car seat anyway. Unless your dd was badly looked after or unhappy-and if you thought she might be presumably you wouldn’t have let her go on the day trip- just let it go. Apart from anything else, you might need your mil in the future!

There is nothing wrong with a child staying out with their grandmother or trusting your MIL to make the right choice as to what kind of environments she brings her into. But ONLY with your agreement. I do think your MIL planned this and it is very wrong of her to undermine you like this.

She missed the 4:30 train and didn’t let you know until nearly 6?

Honestly thought I was being paranoid but I am starting to think it was planned. There are pictures on Facebook of MIL and her friend + friends DH sat in their back garden on the night having some wine 🙄 I think when I said I wasn't going to be coming due to pregnancy sickness she must have seen an oppurtunity. What really pisses me off is that she decided to go behind my back? If she had asked I would've considered letting DD go overnight anyway.

If she had asked you if you would have minded if your DD stayed overnight would you have let her or would you have not let her do so?

18 months old is quite young for an unplanned overnight stay but if you're nearby a supermarket to get nappies and change of clothing etc then it's doable.

I agree with others though re trust - but am not sure if you were being a bit PFB in the first place, e.g. had MIL asked if she could take for an overnight stay you'd have said no.

My DM has had my DD when she was younger from 1 year upwards for proper overnight stays, apart from babysitting but to be fair, I never recalled my DGM having me and my DBro for overnight stays due to various issues until we were older.

Sometimes on here I feel like I'm on a different planet.
Instead of bringing your toddler home, family member takes them to a stranger's (to you and the child) house, hours away and actually refuses to let you come and pick the child up.
I would be livid and that family member, whoever it was, would never have my child again.

Fwiw I'd be the same if it was my mum. It's not anti mil to say she shouldn't have done this and instead should have just 'let' (let, FFS) op pick her own daughter up, it's anti arsehole.

With an 18 month old, a 4 year old and a 7 year old she would have needed a taxi with 3 car seats - pretty much impossible.

The narrative seems to have determined that she lied to you, but have you any evidence? Any previous incidents that would lead to you think she was deceitful? And did she actually refuse to give the house address - did you ask for it?

There is a lot of frothing going on here, making her into the root of all evil. If it's not been an issue before, it's hardly likely, is it?

I did ask several times for address and she said she didn't want me driving with morning sickness.

I think she planned it. There would be fuck all way she'd be looking after my child again.

I would be more narked now she was drinking also. Where did dd actually sleep? Did her friend have a cot?

Honestly if be pissed.

It isnt just mil lying though is it. SIL must be as well cosidering her kids were also there. Do you think the 2 of them happily plotted against you or are you suggesting MIL lies to both of you?