To think she shouldn't have stayed away with DD?

[rostronlorn]

DH is working at sea so it's just me and DD 18 months at home. MIL arranged to take DD and her 2 other grandkids (4 and 7) to an adventure farm type place on Easter Saturday for an Easter Egg hunt event. There was also a petting zoo and face painting etc. I originally was going to go along with them but am 5 weeks pregnant and experiencing awful sickness. DD was bored with me unable to take her out so when MIL offered to take her anyway I said yes.

The adventure park is a 2 hours drive away. The reason she chose this and not somewhere nearer is because it is owned and run by her close friend. MIL doesn't drive and got the train. She picked up DD at 9 to catch the 9:30 train. I was told they'd be catching the 5:30 train back and DD would be back at 6. As soon as she picked DD up I went back to bed. Around 5 I get up and everything seems fine, MIO has sent pics etc. Expecting DD back in less than an hour I decide to make a start on our tea. Then about 5:45 I get a frantic text from MIL saying she'd missed the train. It was the last train of the day. She wasn't willing to ask a family member for help and claimed she didn't have any money for a taxi which I found somewhat odd. Despite feeling like shit I offered to go and pick them all up and she insisted she couldn't allow me to do that. I said it was fine etc, it didn't matter because it was my DD and she hung up.

She phones 10 minutes later and says her friend is coming to get her and they will stay the night at hers and come home first thing. I still insisted on getting DD but she said "No. Get some rest. Will have DD back by lunchtime tomorrow." I rang SIL and she seemed fine about what MIL waa doing. I couldn't pick my DD up as I didn't have the friends address. I went to bed thouroghly pissed off because I saw from the photos that DD's clothes got muddy at the farm and I hadn't packed enough nappies for an overnight.

She returns DD at 1pm (she said between 11-12) and acts like it's no big deal. I did make an offhand comment to her that I found it a bit uncomfortable that my toddled spent the night in a house with people I have never met and that I would've been happy to come and collect them all or pay some of the taxi fare for them so they could have come home that night. MIL has been quite funny about it and said she won't be so keen to take DD out in future. AIBU?

YANBU at all. She’s only 18 months old, MIL shouldn’t spring an overnight stay with your daughter on you like that especially when you have no idea who they are with ! That’s disrespectful, and for those saying you should enjoy the child free time I don’t know how anyone can be relaxed when their MIL rings in a panic, can’t afford a cab as a backup with 3 children in tow and is proposing your child stay overnight at a strangers house with no preparation. That MIL should only be allowed supervised visits.

YANBU, MIL was totally unreasonable, obviously. She may well be perfectly capable of caring for an 18 month old, however, this does NOT entitle her to separate an 18 month old from her mother, overnight, against the parental wishes. Not revealing the address is outrageous.

Also, I am struggling to believe that the last train home was as early as 4.30 pm?! OP, have you checked to see whether this is actually true?

Dragonara, do you think your DILs post on MN much?

My MIL (now deceased) was a lovely woman, I can’t think we ever disagreed on anything. But then she didn’t think it was up to her where my children spent the night, or think that any opinion of mine on the subject was being disrespectful to “The Matriarch”.

No one has mentioned this but also, if they were picked up... we’re all the kids in an adequate car seat and how long were they in the car for?

YABU, I can't see much wrong with this tbh. I can understand that you would be upset that your dd was away overnight if it was unplanned, and perhaps that she's stayed with a stranger, but she was with her grandmother. If you trusted her to go on a train journey and spend the day at the animal park, then it doesn't seem a huge problem. She might have planned to stay but I don't think anything you've said is evidence for this - not sure why so many people are adamant that it was planned. Why wouldn't she just ask if she could take your dd overnight?

The way it sounded to me was that your MIL behaved reasonably - she phoned as soon as she knew she missed the train and arranged somewhere to stay, kept you informed, was considerate about you getting rest rather than driving a 4 hour round trip to collect them. I don't know if you have any reason to mistrust her, but if not, surely it's an over-reaction? Why on earth would anyone get a taxi for a 2 hour journey? Muddy clothes aren't a big deal and nappies can be bought anywhere. Unless there's a backstory, maybe just let it go and at least be glad you have a MIL who is capable and willing to help with your dd. You might be very glad of her help over the next few months.

Surely, she would have purchased a day return for the train journey so would have had to get a new ticket(s) to catch the train the next day so a taxi journey wouldn't have been that much more on top of that cost.

Jelly that's the whole point, she couldn't go and get her because MIL wouldn't tell her where she was staying

I honestly think if the OP was adamant her DD was not sleeping over she could have got that address out of MIL.

The OP has been fairly vague about how the conversation went and hasn’t really clarified whether MIL point blank refused to tell her the address or if she used the excuse of the OP being ill as to why she didn’t want her driving 2 hours. The OP says she insisted but it sounds like it wasn’t a demand or else.

Who knows? Like with all posts on MNs there’s a lot that will be missed out, some of it deliberately and some not so much.

It would be interesting to know how often the OP and DD sees her MIL, what sort of relationship they usually have, whether she is prone to playing silly buggers and whether DD sleeps over at hers.

Was this a MIL being hugely inappropriate and overstepping the boundaries or one that cares about her DIL and didn’t want her driving a 4 hour trip when she was under the weather?

My money is on the whole thing being premeditated by the mil and sil, in order to give op a break. They may have been very worried about op's ability to care for Dd when her dp was away with the morning sickness. Nowhere in the same league but I remember in laws doing similar and asking to take my newborn out for 20 mins and actually disappearing off for a few hours 'because we thought you needed a break'. There is nothing relaxing about not knowing where your baby is and whether they are crying for you.

I can't imagine she planned it -- that would be crazy. I would have been upset and worried too because I do not like going to bed without all my children in the house (oldest is going to Uni in September, so I have to get over that!) But it sounds like it was inadvertent and your MIL did the best thing she could under the circs. I would let it go. I doubt she will attempt such an ambitious outing again with all the children. It was nice of her to make the effort and I can see how staying with her friend seemed liked the best of her options at the time. As long as your DC wasn't upset by any of it I would call this one as No Harm No Foul.

I’ve got to be honest I wouldn’t be very happy about this. Both of my girls aged 11 months and 2.5 years spend time with all three sets of grandparents at our house but they’ve not stayed overnight at theirs (they all live between 2-5 hours away).

I also don’t think I’d be overly happy about them being two hours away. How old is she? None of my daughters grandparents would volunteer to look after 3 young children on their own, they would say it was too much for one person, but they are all late 60s/early 70s. If they were young and fit I might feel differently.

OP I see your point of view and YANBU at all!!!!!!!!
I don’t know how people can say this is ok. This is an 18m toddler we are talking about. My little one would not anywhere else if I wasn’t there. Your MIL was wrong to do that.

Would not rest anywhere * I meant
A 18m toddler *
Pfff should have checked it before posting

You thought she was perfectly capable of being responsible for 3 young children for 2 hours on a train, a day at the park, and 2 hours back but you don't trust her judgement when it comes to her friend? She may or may not have missed the train on purpose but you trusted her with your child? And who sends an 18 month old out without changes of clothes, snacks and nappies? Even if there weren't enough, I'm sure there were shops nearby.

I don't think you are unreasonable at all to be uoset your mother in law basically kidnapped your child for the night. Because she didn't tell you where they were staying and did not give you the option to collect. If it were my mother in law I would assume she had always intended to sleep over there and knew you would say no, so went anyway with this plan to make staying necessary.

I think you are right to make it clear you are unhappy. To her son as well as to her. Plans will be kept to or she does not get private access to your kids.

My mother in law often took my kids for a day or night at a time and I was mostly fine with it, but she would use that time to do things sometimes that she knew I didn't want... like cutting their hair. It didn't matter how much of a fuss I made about it, my husband would side with her saying she was just being nice and doing us a favour. Relations have deteriorated recently as I am finally old enough and strong enough to stick up for myself against her and she has become less good at hiding her bad side.

Be firm now or it will become a pattern. Your child, your rules. She can like them or lump them.

The issue with those who are saying 'oh it was to give you a break and let you relax' is that not knowing where your child is - especially when your DH is working away - is actually not in the least bit relaxing at all.

How could OP put her feet up and relax when all the arrangements went tits up, and to add insult to injury MIL was at least a couple of hours late returning the child the next day?

To those saying it is not a problem, how does the OP move forward on other occasions - where are the boundaries?

As the parent if there is an agreement set-up by OP, can it be over-ruled just because the MIL makes a phone call and says plans have changed?

I'm 18 weeks pregnant and same as you would rather be exhausted as long as my lo was safe at home. I would have demanded the address and threatened her with the police if she didn't. I don't care what people think.

I just re read this and really dislike that you’ve told her you’re uncomfortable with behaviour and she’s said in response about not wanting to take your dd out in future- that is not ok at all.

Wtf is wrong with that women? You absolutely cannot trust her in future.

Sounds like your DD had a lovely day, sleepover and you got some rest

And can I borrow your MIL

god, some people really do miss the point in the most spectacular way!

All the people who think mil was not in the wrong because she thought she knew best - are you ok with boundaries being ignored in all scenarios if the person doing it thought they knew what was for the best?

I'm just wondering where we draw the line here? Surely the OP has agency to decide what is best for her and her child? Really, it's just too bad if mil doesn't agree.

god, some people really do miss the point in the most spectacular way!

I don’t think so, I think they just have a different opinion to you, and that’s OK.

My wild guess here is that the OP didn’t demand numerous times that she was given the address because it would take someone very wicked to withhold this information but that she was ok with MIL staying over.

Derxa has it spot on that there isn’t enough information from OP.

You don't keep an 18month old overnight when it hasn't been planned and agreed in advance.

Then whole thing, missing the train and not letting the op collect her DC if she wanted is just weird.

If the dc was school age it would be a bit less odd. 18month olds can quite often want their parents at bedtime or their favouring teddy. It's not rocket science is it.