Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think she shouldn't have stayed away with DD?

526 replies

rostronlorn · 24/04/2019 11:51

DH is working at sea so it's just me and DD 18 months at home. MIL arranged to take DD and her 2 other grandkids (4 and 7) to an adventure farm type place on Easter Saturday for an Easter Egg hunt event. There was also a petting zoo and face painting etc. I originally was going to go along with them but am 5 weeks pregnant and experiencing awful sickness. DD was bored with me unable to take her out so when MIL offered to take her anyway I said yes.

The adventure park is a 2 hours drive away. The reason she chose this and not somewhere nearer is because it is owned and run by her close friend. MIL doesn't drive and got the train. She picked up DD at 9 to catch the 9:30 train. I was told they'd be catching the 5:30 train back and DD would be back at 6. As soon as she picked DD up I went back to bed. Around 5 I get up and everything seems fine, MIO has sent pics etc. Expecting DD back in less than an hour I decide to make a start on our tea. Then about 5:45 I get a frantic text from MIL saying she'd missed the train. It was the last train of the day. She wasn't willing to ask a family member for help and claimed she didn't have any money for a taxi which I found somewhat odd. Despite feeling like shit I offered to go and pick them all up and she insisted she couldn't allow me to do that. I said it was fine etc, it didn't matter because it was my DD and she hung up.

She phones 10 minutes later and says her friend is coming to get her and they will stay the night at hers and come home first thing. I still insisted on getting DD but she said "No. Get some rest. Will have DD back by lunchtime tomorrow." I rang SIL and she seemed fine about what MIL waa doing. I couldn't pick my DD up as I didn't have the friends address. I went to bed thouroghly pissed off because I saw from the photos that DD's clothes got muddy at the farm and I hadn't packed enough nappies for an overnight.

She returns DD at 1pm (she said between 11-12) and acts like it's no big deal. I did make an offhand comment to her that I found it a bit uncomfortable that my toddled spent the night in a house with people I have never met and that I would've been happy to come and collect them all or pay some of the taxi fare for them so they could have come home that night. MIL has been quite funny about it and said she won't be so keen to take DD out in future. AIBU?

OP posts:
CoraPirbright · 24/04/2019 12:15

she's hardly short of money so I don't understand not getting a taxi

I am not short of money either but would baulk at the cost of a cab for a 2 hour drive. That would be incredibly expensive!

Original poster
rostronlorn · 24/04/2019 12:16

MIL is 56 and very well. I wasn't worried about her having the 3 children at all. The issue is more her reluctance to get a taxi or be picked up and I sort of suspect she's not being completely honest in regards to the train.

OP posts:
BarrenFieldofFucks · 24/04/2019 12:19

It wouldn't have sat right with me either OP.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 24/04/2019 12:19

I'd have been furious!

And if she'd said to me that she wouldn't be keen to take DD away again, I would have replied - "That's just as well, because I won't be so keen to let you!"

It was obvious from the conversations she had with you that you wanted your DD back home with you. I think she planned the whole thing deliberately, but even if not - even if she had accidentally missed the train - she could tell you wanted DD back home. It's not for her to insist on keeping her.

You offered to collect them, you offered taxi money - which bits of that can she not understand?

I wouldn't let DD go away with her again very soon and I would be very sarky and make comments about not getting my kids back .

It's not for your MIL to decide she wants to keep your DD. YOU wanted her home, in her own bed, so you could bath her, make sure she was comfy, read her a story etc.

YANBU.

Serialweightwatcher · 24/04/2019 12:20

Because my DH and I never got any help from either side of our families and never got any time off at all, I'd have been delighted for the break, but I know that's not the point - she was a bit cheeky, but if you had wanted her home that night and not comfortable with the arrangements, you should have been a lot firmer at the time and insisted she come home that night - it's difficult when it's all done with to say 'you should have done this, or that'

Shazafied · 24/04/2019 12:20

I have a 16mo and would be furious if a grandparent did this. I know a lot of people are saying “I would have enjoyed the rest” etc., but I am with you op. I suspect she probably planned it too, but even if not she should have allowed you to collect your daughter. I would have probably lost my shit and demanded the address and picked her up.

To be honest, I wouldn’t have let my dd go in the first place (I wouldn’t trust either of my parents to be able to cope with three grandkids on their own, and 18 month olds need constant supervision) but I understand that you were desperate for a break.

I personally wouldn’t let MIL do anything like this again.

InadvertentlyBrilliant · 24/04/2019 12:20

You should have at least been given the address of where your dd was staying after your MIL ignored you when you insisted on collecting dd.

I would not allow my dd to go anywhere with MIL again. She just cannot be trusted. She rode roughshod over you when you insisted on collecting your child. However, she got away with it without much in the way of repercussions. She is going to get more and more controlling as time goes by. Good luck with her.

ShambolicUsername · 24/04/2019 12:20

Christ. The way some people on here act when a parent in law wants to spend time with their child. Confused

Bringbackthestripes · 24/04/2019 12:23

MIL has been quite funny about it and said she won't be so keen to take DD out in future. AIBU?

My response would have been “good. I don’t want you taking her out again as I can’t trust you to bring her back!”

I would have missed my LO like crazy. It’s one thing for them to have a planned night away but when you expecting them home, are dying for a cuddle, and you have no real idea of where they are or if they are missing you/upset/sleeping okay it would have resulted in a very sleepless night for me. YANBU.

BertrandRussell · 24/04/2019 12:23

Did your dad have a nice time?

Incidentally I am grandparent age and I am taking my 4 great nephews on an outing on Sunday. They are ages 3- 8. .......

sweeneytoddsrazor · 24/04/2019 12:24

A 2 hour taxi drive is going to cost a hell of a lot. I recently went in a taxi due to missed train connection (paid by train company)It was about 50 mins and over £80. I wouldn't ask anybody to do a 4 hour round trip to pick me up if there was an alternative such as staying overnight and train back in the morning. Whether she planned it or not is a different matter altogether but if she didn't then I think staying was the best action

AryaStarkWolf · 24/04/2019 12:25

She clearly didn't miss the train, just decided she wanted to spend the night. She should have been up front and admitted that to you and given you the option to collect DD if you weren't comfortable with it. If it were my DM (DMIL is dead and I never met her so can't compare like for like) or SIL even, I'd be fine with it though because I trust them fully. But it's down to the individual I suppose.

Jokie · 24/04/2019 12:25

I would say that it was planned and I would have been extremely angry with MIL if she tried that with me. I'd have been saying: I want the address now or you'll never have alone again. It doesn't matter that she was ok, she went against the agreed plan and what was agreed with OP.

You have every right to be annoyed OP. I'd be furious

Doghorsechicken · 24/04/2019 12:25

I’d be mad if she’d planned to stay over all along but if she had just missed the train I think you are being over dramatic. Surely it was better than DD getting home really late?

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 24/04/2019 12:25

OP didn't stop her mil spending time with the child but as the parent she is entitled to know where her child is and to have that child returned as agreed.
GPs who decide that what they want to do is more important than what the mum and dad want are the reason these relationships break down.

FredFlinstoneMadeOfBones · 24/04/2019 12:26

I think if DD was used to staying overnight with MiL I wouldn't be too bothered but if she planned it all along I'd be really pissed off. It's also just weird that she wouldn't give you the address. That would have annoyed me too!

Shazafied · 24/04/2019 12:26

I would have missed my LO like crazy. It’s one thing for them to have a planned night away but when you expecting them home, are dying for a cuddle, and you have no real idea of where they are or if they are missing you/upset/sleeping okay it would have resulted in a very sleepless night for me.

Exactly^^ i would be the same. My 16 mo is still my baby and often doesn’t sleep well. I’d have been on edge until she was home.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 24/04/2019 12:27

Are you sure you can manage @BertrandRussell Grin

Lost5stone · 24/04/2019 12:27

I'm not surprised she didn't get a taxi! 2 hour drive, around here you would be talking at least £150, probably £200. That being said it would have made me nervous too and I probably wouldn't have slept all night, but I'm a bit clingy like that.

BertrandRussell · 24/04/2019 12:28

“Are you sure you can manage @BertrandRussell ”

Well I was............

AryaStarkWolf · 24/04/2019 12:29

I think the lying to me part would annoy me most of all tbh, I can't stand someone treating me like a fool lying to my face

Karwomannghia · 24/04/2019 12:29

I think what she did makes sense. No one would pay for a 2 hour taxi drive and it could be hard to find one. She didn’t want you to go to the trouble of driving 4 hours when you’re feeling ill and can have some more time off.

endofthelinefinally · 24/04/2019 12:32

Fundamentally this comes down to whether MIL was lying to OP or not.
Trust is very important.

Millie2018 · 24/04/2019 12:33

SchadenfreudePersonified hits the nail on the head.
I suspect she wanted to stay with her friends for a couple of wines. Would explain why they were back so late the next day too and not first thing. Routine is so important to my DD and she desperately wants to know what time we are doing x and who will be there etc. If she had an expected night away from home she would be very distressed (although able to “put on” a brave face).
I would have another discussion with MIL.

BlueMerchant · 24/04/2019 12:33

She had no intention of coming home that day! She will have had it all planned but knew you wouldn't be happy so she concocted this scenario.
She will have had a couple of spare nappies and bits and pieces in a bag.
I'd be so annoyed.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.