To think she shouldn't have stayed away with DD?

[rostronlorn]

DH is working at sea so it's just me and DD 18 months at home. MIL arranged to take DD and her 2 other grandkids (4 and 7) to an adventure farm type place on Easter Saturday for an Easter Egg hunt event. There was also a petting zoo and face painting etc. I originally was going to go along with them but am 5 weeks pregnant and experiencing awful sickness. DD was bored with me unable to take her out so when MIL offered to take her anyway I said yes.

The adventure park is a 2 hours drive away. The reason she chose this and not somewhere nearer is because it is owned and run by her close friend. MIL doesn't drive and got the train. She picked up DD at 9 to catch the 9:30 train. I was told they'd be catching the 5:30 train back and DD would be back at 6. As soon as she picked DD up I went back to bed. Around 5 I get up and everything seems fine, MIO has sent pics etc. Expecting DD back in less than an hour I decide to make a start on our tea. Then about 5:45 I get a frantic text from MIL saying she'd missed the train. It was the last train of the day. She wasn't willing to ask a family member for help and claimed she didn't have any money for a taxi which I found somewhat odd. Despite feeling like shit I offered to go and pick them all up and she insisted she couldn't allow me to do that. I said it was fine etc, it didn't matter because it was my DD and she hung up.

She phones 10 minutes later and says her friend is coming to get her and they will stay the night at hers and come home first thing. I still insisted on getting DD but she said "No. Get some rest. Will have DD back by lunchtime tomorrow." I rang SIL and she seemed fine about what MIL waa doing. I couldn't pick my DD up as I didn't have the friends address. I went to bed thouroghly pissed off because I saw from the photos that DD's clothes got muddy at the farm and I hadn't packed enough nappies for an overnight.

She returns DD at 1pm (she said between 11-12) and acts like it's no big deal. I did make an offhand comment to her that I found it a bit uncomfortable that my toddled spent the night in a house with people I have never met and that I would've been happy to come and collect them all or pay some of the taxi fare for them so they could have come home that night. MIL has been quite funny about it and said she won't be so keen to take DD out in future. AIBU?

How is your MIL generally?

If your relationship is strained and your dd has never stayed with her overnight before, then I understand your distress and think this could possibly be a conceited way to get her granddaughter overnight.

If however you get on well and your dd regularly stays overnight with your MIL, then I would trust her and just be glad of time to rest. I wouldn’t want to burn bridges with a generally lovely MIL, when you are potentially going to need her support in the coming months.

I would not be happy with this at all. The withholding the address so you couldn't collect DD is bang out of order.

Had your DD been 3/4 years or older I would be a bit more relaxed but 18 months is still very young to be away from a parent.

Children can travel in taxis without a car seat when necessary.

Op, at the end of the day, a family member didn't bring your child home when planned, and disregarded your wishes to collect her. You are not wrong at all to feel uncomfortable about it.

Your mil must of done a good job bringing up your dh as you married him.
She’s home now.i bet she had a lovely time.quite an adventure.
Personally I probably would of actually gone as well.because mil alone with 3 little ones on a train would of worried me more than the over night stay.

I'd have been livid and driven to the park demanding to know where the owners lived so that I could collect my child.

But then again I can be a fiery fucker.

I don't get the whole "enjoy the break". I'd have missed my toddler like crazy by that time and been up all night worrying about where they were, who they were with.

You have no idea what the house is like, is there a fuck off stair case with no gate? giant dogs? let alone the fact that the people she was staying with are total strangers to you.

Your MIL is a dick.

I just wouldn't have accepted a refusal to give the address. This is your child and she had no fucking right to not tell you where she was.

You TRUSTED her with your child and she not only failed to return your child but actively concealed the location an colluded with SIL to prevent you discovering it.

She planned this.

She does not respect you.

She does not consider you to be the parental authority. She considers herself to have equal (or greater) say over your child.

She would never have my child, without me there, again (nor would SIL). She ruined this for herself, there's no second chances for someone who goes AWOL, unknown location and refuses to return a child as agreed.

It's too great a breach of trust and someone who can do this cannot possibly possess enough insight to learn not to repeat it.

She had no intention of getting DD home and intentionally made it so she would have DD overnight.

The lying and way she went about it is out of order. You should tell her you know exactly what she was doing and you will think twice about letting her have DD in the future as you obviously can't trust her to tell you the truth.

Oh, ffs. It’s her grandmother who has already been trusted to look after her all day. Not the bloody child catcher!

I would have lost my shit over this and MIL would never be allowed have DC again unsupervised. YANBU, this is completely unacceptable. I'm actually furious on your behalf.

Bertrand that's not the point!

the point is you either ask for permission to keep the child overnight, or if she genuinely did miss her train, you give the actual parent the option of picking the child up.

You as a grandparent, don't get to decide.

I would not have been happy at all, OP. You get to decide if your infant child stays away from you overnight or not. Regardless of if all was well in the end and everyone had a nice time. It's a big breach of trust and I would definitely think twice about future outings.

Not bringing her back at the pre-arranged time and refusing to give whereabouts is technically kidnap - not that you're going to escalate things but as PP have said, it is bang out of order that she didn't give you the opportunity to come and collect her. What about a cot/sleeping bag etc - I'm sure it must have been pre-arranged.

I havent read where she refused to give the address. OP says MIL told her she would stay with friends did OP ask for the address? OPthen rang SIL who was happy. Neither did OP offer to pay for a taxi unlike a PP said.

at 18 months as well i'd be concerned about where she was sleeping etc as well.

You cant just stick an 18mo in a bed in a strange house while you get shit faced in the garden with ya pals.

I just wouldn't have accepted a refusal to give the address.

Not much you can do when someone cuts off a phonemail, and maybe even turns off their phone.

It's not like being face-to-face with someone.

*phone call, not phonemail, whatever the heck that might be

And if you are feeling sick and dizzy is a 4 hour drive a good thing? That would worry me more than LO spending an overnight with Granny tbh.

I think she was definitely wrong to insist on keeping her overnight when you had wanted her back. Also not telling you where she was is very strange. Obviously worried that you would come for her?

Having said that, maybe she would like to spend more time with her. Some people really enjoy spending time with their grandbabies! Can you talk to her about it at all? Maybe just set some boundaries but do let her spend more time with her. Does she have SIL's children often?

Also - 18 months is right in the middle of "separation anxiety" time for infants, from what I recall.

I wouldn't have slept for worrying myself that my toddler was sobbing herself to sleep, inconsolably, probably in a wet, filthy nappy and sleeping in a grubby vest - not even her favourite teddy to cuddle.

(I know - I'm over-egging the pudding, but this is what would have gone through my mind)

My MIL would do something like this. She has misled me many times, and occasionally downright lied to me. I think your MIL always intended on staying over but didn't tell you in case you said no. She took the choice away from you, that's what I wouldn't like.

Whoa, whoa, whoa @rostronlorn!! Don’t let a bunch of other tightly clenched posters get you wound up over this and angry with your MIL. This all seems genuinely harmless. She’s their grandmother, not a stranger. Just because she was at a friend’s house doesn’t mean anything untoward would have happened. Staying overnight was actually the most logical option for everyone involved including you, your SIL, your MIL, and the kids.

Was your daughter happy afterward?
Was DD clean and fed? Was she well rested?
Did DD have fun and like hanging out with her cousins and grandma?

If so, then everything worked out really well and you were able to get a bit more rest. Your MIL probably didn’t want to give you the address because she thought you’d needlessly drive round trip for 4 hours. It’s okay to let your DD spend time with other people out of your sight. She’ll build better bonds with people and will appreciate you more when she sees you.

Take a step back from the thread and breathe a bit. Don’t get whipped into a frenzy over this, really.

Not much you can do when someone cuts off a phonemail, and maybe even turns off their phone.

I'd have told her after a few refusals that she gives me the address or I'll be calling the police to report my child kidnapped. I reckon that might have got through to her. I'd mean it too. I have a child around the same age and I can picture exactly how I'd be feeling in that scenario.

I am finding this difficult to follow. She called you frantically an hour and 15 mins after the last train had left. Something is off. Have you name changed op?

I wouldn’t trust her anymore. It’s clear she’s been deceitful. I can’t imagine why posters on here are so “cool” about it. Do they like being lied to and manipulated? Also people seem not to be noting the age of the op’s child. She 18 MONTHS, she isn’t the 4yo or the 7yo in this scenario.

I would have been extremely upset about a grandparent having a sleepover with an 18 month old without permission or planning. My ds was 24 months old when he stayed with my mum (who he saw all the time, was very happy with, had spent days with). He stayed with her because I was in hospital. In the middle of the night he was scratching at the front door looking for me.

You can think I’m uptight all you like but you’d be wrong. My kids are happy teens now who’ve been abroad without me. The MIL is a liar. My MIL is lovely btw in case you think I’m a MIL hater.

No, that's not on.

'She won't be so keen to take DD out in future'.

She sounds like a wonderful GP(!).