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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think she shouldn't have stayed away with DD?

526 replies

rostronlorn · 24/04/2019 11:51

DH is working at sea so it's just me and DD 18 months at home. MIL arranged to take DD and her 2 other grandkids (4 and 7) to an adventure farm type place on Easter Saturday for an Easter Egg hunt event. There was also a petting zoo and face painting etc. I originally was going to go along with them but am 5 weeks pregnant and experiencing awful sickness. DD was bored with me unable to take her out so when MIL offered to take her anyway I said yes.

The adventure park is a 2 hours drive away. The reason she chose this and not somewhere nearer is because it is owned and run by her close friend. MIL doesn't drive and got the train. She picked up DD at 9 to catch the 9:30 train. I was told they'd be catching the 5:30 train back and DD would be back at 6. As soon as she picked DD up I went back to bed. Around 5 I get up and everything seems fine, MIO has sent pics etc. Expecting DD back in less than an hour I decide to make a start on our tea. Then about 5:45 I get a frantic text from MIL saying she'd missed the train. It was the last train of the day. She wasn't willing to ask a family member for help and claimed she didn't have any money for a taxi which I found somewhat odd. Despite feeling like shit I offered to go and pick them all up and she insisted she couldn't allow me to do that. I said it was fine etc, it didn't matter because it was my DD and she hung up.

She phones 10 minutes later and says her friend is coming to get her and they will stay the night at hers and come home first thing. I still insisted on getting DD but she said "No. Get some rest. Will have DD back by lunchtime tomorrow." I rang SIL and she seemed fine about what MIL waa doing. I couldn't pick my DD up as I didn't have the friends address. I went to bed thouroghly pissed off because I saw from the photos that DD's clothes got muddy at the farm and I hadn't packed enough nappies for an overnight.

She returns DD at 1pm (she said between 11-12) and acts like it's no big deal. I did make an offhand comment to her that I found it a bit uncomfortable that my toddled spent the night in a house with people I have never met and that I would've been happy to come and collect them all or pay some of the taxi fare for them so they could have come home that night. MIL has been quite funny about it and said she won't be so keen to take DD out in future. AIBU?

OP posts:
Jamhandprints · 24/04/2019 13:28

I can't believe everyone saying it's no big deal!
I think it's horrific and no way would she EVER take my baby again.
You can't take an 18 month old away from their parents on a totally unplanned sleepover.
That said, I wouldn't have let her take a toddler plus 2 other small children in the first place...but I may just be thinking of my MIL here who can barely cope with one child.
What does your DH say?

rebecca102 · 24/04/2019 13:29

Hell no... I'd be pissed

hsegfiugseskufh · 24/04/2019 13:31

allthefours

its v different arranging a day out and a parent being fine with it, and then keeping an 18mo overnight in a strange place and refusing to give you the address.

if it had been pre arranged, then I am sure OP and most posters wouldn't feel this way about it.,

Nofilter101 · 24/04/2019 13:32

That's really really Horrendous. I don't care how much of a favour she thought she was doing you it's not acceptable. I doubt she tried too hard to catch that train and poss Planned it. Good she isn't keen on having your dd again, saves you the bother of telling her no

JingsMahBucket · 24/04/2019 13:34

A lot of posters are overreacting.

Surfskatefamily · 24/04/2019 13:37

I would have been fuming...but then my mil wouldnt do this. She would have acted reasonably and been fine with me picking lo up. You MIL was out of order.

AllTheFours44 · 24/04/2019 13:37

@PlantPot

As I’ve previously said, it’s all a moot point now because the OP’s (over?) reaction has put the kaibosh on any further days or nights away.

Total over reaction fuelled on by hysterical posters. IMO obvs.

NerrSnerr · 24/04/2019 13:38

The issue isn't the overnight stay with the MIL, it was not giving the OP the option to pick her child up.

teyem · 24/04/2019 13:38

I'd be really cross, tbh. It was rude of her to pack up with your dd and make no real attempt to get her home, as planned. I wouldn't like my toddler to stay overnight in some place that I don't know along with people I don't know with a grandparent who's gone rogue.

hsegfiugseskufh · 24/04/2019 13:39

op hasn't overreacted at all, and everyone elses response is irrelevant as presumably op had told MIL she was irresponsible and acted unreasonably before she posted on here.

I wouldn't let the MIL have my child again after pulling that kind of stunt anyway!

Yabbers · 24/04/2019 13:41

You cant categorically say that she was safe.

If OP couldn’t trust MIL to keep her safe, she shouldn’t have allowed her on a trip so far away with DD. Of course she knew she was safe. If she thought she wasn’t, she would have called the police. She’s just throwing the “unsafe” thing in there because MIL pissed her off.

Meandmetoo · 24/04/2019 13:42

Op, you haven't overreacted. At all.

And congratulations on your time machine that allowed you to post this thread, then travel back in time to overreact based on the responses.

youknowmedontyou · 24/04/2019 13:43

This may have been said upthread, but how could DD have travelled two hours in a taxi without a car seat?

TBH I think MIL meant well and dirty clothes would not upset your DD, she wouldn't care less.

GPatz · 24/04/2019 13:44

It could be that the GP doesn't have the option to put the kaibosh on any further days or nights away as OP may have already done that.

HelloSummmmmmer · 24/04/2019 13:44

Personally I think if I trusted MIL enough to take DD that far away in the first place, I would have trusted her enough to also have her overnight assuming she genuinely had missed the train. But is there more to this and you generally have a strained relationship with MIL?

I think the issue is going 2 hours away does open up the potential for things to go wrong and then MIL has to be trusted to fix things as she shes fit. If you don't trust her in that way, I would insist on only trips close to home next time.

Sickoffamilydrama · 24/04/2019 13:45

I could imagine my MIL doing this.

She's taken the 4 grandkids away before as a treat but failed to mention she'd not paid for a room for all of them, she sneaked some of them in and told them they might have to sleep in the car (which whilst it isn't the end of the world it really frightened them especially the one who likes routine). She was with my SIL so I thought they'd take 2 kids in each room.

Your MIL sounds like mine in that she isn't a bad GP but will decide on something then run roughshod over us forgetting that we are the children's parents & should get the final say. Sometimes with this comes a bit of blindness to the emotional affects to the Children of her actions.

It's also about lack of respect for the OP boundaries, it doesn't matter if they aren't the same as hers she must respect them. If I'm looking after someone's child and they want them back, even if I thought they were being unreasonable I'd still get them back to them.

hsegfiugseskufh · 24/04/2019 13:45

yabbers op could trust the MIL to keep her child safe on a day out again, that's different from knowing your child is safe in a location you're not allowed to know the address of, not knowing where / how they're sleeping (which is V important for an 18mo) and who else is there.

If you think that a situation like that is definitely safe, I think you need to re assess how you parent.

I don't think saying "if she thought she wasn't safe she would have called the police" is fair, because she didn't know whether she was safe. She didn't know that she definitely wasn't safe and TBH calling the police would have probably been even more distressing for the poor kid caught in the middle of this.

HOWEVER op is still well within her rights to be pissed off.

NerrSnerr · 24/04/2019 13:46

It's not the MIL's call to make about the safety of the sleepover. It's up to the OP. I wouldn't like my child sleeping over somewhere where I didn't know all the adults present, especially if my child was too young to tell me if anything had made them feel uncomfortable or scared. I know that my children's grandparents don't share this level of concern but that's fine because they don't get to decide where my children sleep.

blackcat86 · 24/04/2019 13:50

Yeah fuck that. Shes planned it and gone over your head. The trust would be gone for me and I would be utterly furious. When can you speak to DH as he needs to be making MIL understand the severity of this. I wouldn't be allowing any unsupervised access in future. How could you send your child to someone you now cant trust? You cant IMO

TheFairyCaravan · 24/04/2019 13:53

What a to do about nothing!

You trusted your MIL to look after your child all day and she happened to miss the train back. These things happen. Absolutely no way on this earth would my child have been travelling 2hrs in a taxi with no car seat at 18months. And if you're poorly enough to take to your bed all day with morning sickness and dizziness you really aren't safe to drive a 4 hour journey.

Your daughter had one night away with her granny and cousins. I bet she had loads of fun. And since when did having a glass of wine in the garden become "getting shit faced with your pals?" 🙄

DizzySue · 24/04/2019 13:55

She refused to give you the address of where your DD was staying?

Enough said. Unacceptable.

hsegfiugseskufh · 24/04/2019 13:56

thefairy oh god clearly it was a figure of speech, but again, we don't know how much she drank.

And tbh leaving an 18mo in a strange house while you have a glass of wine outside is unacceptable to me unless you've a baby monitor at least.

cheesydoesit · 24/04/2019 13:57

But OP has already said that if MIL had asked for a sleepover she would probably have said yes. MIL lied and withheld information when she had no reason to.

DotForShort · 24/04/2019 14:00

None of the timings make sense to me. If the park is two hours away, how would a 4:30 train mean that your DD would be home by 6:00? If your MIL missed the 4:30 train, why would she wait for more than an hour to send a "frantic" text?

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