For not wanting to holiday abroad?

[chocolatelog]

Myself and 4 out of 5 of the children haven't been abroad. We don't even have passports.

Dh and the 3 oldest all want to go on holiday this year. Dh has found a holiday for 10 days in Spain and is pressuring me to go but I've got zero interest. My eldest (17) has been with her friends family so she's got the bug and is begging me to go.
A part of me feels like I should go because before long the kids will be older and won't be interested in going with us, but I just can't be bothered with it all. I filled in one passport form and that was enough to make me go 🙈 it took 5 attempts at getting it wrong, so the thought of filling in 5 people's worth is enough to put me into an early grave!

The two youngest are 5 and 2 and I feel like it won't really be an enjoyable experience for me, dh is very hands on with them but I'm a stress head and get into rage pretty quickly 😬

Plus the money for passports and the actual holiday for 7 people makes me think we could use it for better things, we both need a new cat each and I'm thinking I'd rather those than a pissing holiday 🤦🏻‍♀️

I don't know if my attitude to it all is because I've never been abroad, I'm quite happy to spend a week in Cornwall or Dorset or anywhere else that this country has to offer. The thought of flying and watching the kids like a hawk just doesn't appeal to me in the slightest. Is it a case of what you've never had you never miss? Or should I just put my happy face on and agree to going?

OP. You came onto the AIBU board, you've been given some bloody good advice and different viewpoints. You're still coming back and complaining about what you know the holiday will be like. Have you considered actually sitting your DH down and explaining that you won't be in charge of micro managing everything and see his reaction? Surely he's going to have some compassion and empathy, given what you've recently been through?

You seem to have made a huge decision about what this holiday will be like, you have preconceived ideas about how you'll be treated and spoken to, how you'll be blamed for forgetting something and will continually bicker with your DH. If you go in with that mindset, that's what will happen.

Re the medication, you said that it's the anxiety preventing you from taking it, do you see the flip side of that where you could take it and actually feel better about things? I'm speaking as someone who has depression. It makes me absolutely detest the thought of even walking around a park, yet when I've walked around said park, I actually feel glad (and somehow proud of myself) that I did it. Try to stop being so damn stubborn about things OP, you could actually enjoy yourself

@Omzlas I say it because I live it Day in day out. I know what it will be like because their my family and it's chaos and it's the same anywhere we go.
It's like I can see into the future.

@Omzlas and yeah he'll agree to anything but once we're there it'll all go out the window. I'd rather be here doing that than in some strange place and spending the holiday not talking to him 🙈

You know, to start with I was on your side. I hate beach holidays. I hate the heat, I hate lying about doing nothing, I get that.

However, your intense desire to stop your family from going on a holiday that they want is truly sad. I grew up on a budget. My last foreign holiday was when I was 7 years old. My parents split a few years later and Mum could never afford another foreign holiday. I'm in my twenties now and I still can't afford one.

Trust me when I say that as much as I enjoy my holidays around the UK, it sucks to be the person with no other experiences. You might not want to go to Spain, fair enough, but your family do. Let them enjoy life.

@NeverSayFreelance I'm not stopping anyone from doing anything, their free to go. And he can't afford it he needs a van.

But your kids won’t have other interests if you don’t foster them. If you give them books about the world, take them to places, talk to them about the news, then they would be interested in other things, yes? (And music and clothes and make up). As I said, they are not interested because they have never been exposed and now it’s a vicious cycle and somehow it’s all their fault.

I’ll tell you what I find disingenuous about this thread. You don’t like travelling, you are anxious and depressed and you prefer material things to non material things (aka experiences- I once saw Mount Everest from a plane and I am a nervous flyer and I have to say no car or handbag will compare with the beauty of the Himalayas...but that’s me!). And it’s fine. Own it. Say I don’t like new things and people and food and I like my material comforts and own it.
Don’t blame it on your teenagers and how they won’t walk and how actually they are really boring and really if they weren’t you would have more interesting holidays. No you wouldn’t because as you have said you find no meaning in non material things. So just be honest about that!

I'm not materialistic I don't own a handbag. I don't have much myself but like buying for the kids. We need a new cooker. The garden needs a makeover. 2 cars are needed. A couple of beds need replacing. A holiday won't buy those things. So I'm the sensible one who would rather put holidays on the back burner while dh would rather the holiday and go without other things.

If that makes me materialistic then so be it. But someone's got to have their sensible head on.

OP you seriously don’t have the “sensible head on”. You’ve a large family who need you (and I’m very sorry for your recent loss, I know what that’s like) and your pills sit in your cupboard. Nothing will get better without you taking the first step toward it.

I agree with the last few posters. I started off feeling cross about why a person would ever willingly choose to limit their children's lives and their own mind in such a way as to rule out visiting other countries ever. I then saw the drip feed about depression and anxiety and felt some sympathy for you. But you have now added every excuse under the sun, blaming the children, your husband, the forms, the children being lazy, swimming pool safety, the cost ((though why have 5 children if money is an issue? ), the new van, new cars, the garden makeover, the new beds, and "nice things".

I'd rather have nice things and never have been abroad than go abroad and have crap things.

What a shallow thing to think and an awful sentiment to pass onto your poor children. Have you ever read about what people cherish on their deathbed? They cherish their memories. Not things. Memories are made through experiences, not new furniture, cars, garden makeovers and so on. Those things are fine if you can afford, but if you can afford it (which your DH obviously believes you can) then travelling to another country would enlighten your children and broaden their experiences not to mention build memories for them to cherish.

I'm afraid I do believe you are being selfish and I don't know why you came onto AIBU to ask this question as you are blinkered. You don't want to move from your position, your comfort zone, your little island for anyone else, or yourself.

Oh my god, OP. You are ridiculous. Why did you even bother posting if you already had your mind made up?

This "dont miss what you dont know" mentalityis what close minded, ignorant people say. You also keep avoiding my and PPs advice on actually talking to your dh instead of making assumptions. It's awful that you think so low of your family and that you have no interest in broadening your dcs horizon.

You sound like you don't like your family very much.

@DramaSchoolMums he can't afford it he lives in cuckoo land.

And there not excuses we genuinely need those things more than a holiday.

@GreytExpectations how do you or anyone else know for that matter That I haven't already spoken to him?

@CostanzaG I don't atm

Er no OP. If you can afford a new car, a garden makeover, new beds, then you CAN afford a few days abroad, even if just a day trip to Paris.

You are blinkered and limiting your children.

Maybe because you havnt actually said and you keep ignoring me asking or advising that you speak to him? You are now just being obtuse.

he lives in cuckoo land
What an offensive thing to say.

@DramaSchoolMums why don't you read what I've already put. We need all those things MORE than a holiday. It's the holiday or a car or the other things.

@GreytExpectations well I have. Several times and it makes no difference he just keeps banging on about it.

Look either you can’t afford a holiday in which case you can’t and that’s that. If you are so poor you can’t afford basics then no one is going to argue about ‘cultural capital’ but you have given us plenty of clues that this is far from the case.

Or you can go abroad and then you are making excuses because you hate travelling and you actually privilege material things.

Or you are depressed and anxious and you don’t want to take your pills.

But every time someone brings up something valid you have an excuse going.

So let’s say OP I gave you all the money you needed and filled out your passport form and looked after your kids on holiday, what are the top 5 places you would go to? Or would you still rather sit in your back garden?

@DramaSchoolMums completely agree with you. Op has changed her "reasons" a few times now so it just reads as a bunch of excuses to make sure she gets the say in her family holiday, without consider them at all. No point is continuing this thread as she didnt actually want anyone's opinions.

We need all those things MORE than a holiday.

And that is the crux of this entire thread. Lots of people have advised you that your priority - what you "need" - should in fact be enabling your children to experience travel and building family memories. You have decided that material things are more important to you.

Like I said, you already made up your mind before you posted so there's no point in anyone trying to offer advice as you have closed your mind ears.

Where in Spain did he want to go OP?

he just keeps banging on about it.

Maybe the same way you probably bang on to him about how you refuse to try something different for family enjoyment? Bet he is fed up and bored of you calling the shots

@DramaSchoolMums do you class cars, beds and cookers as material things then? I thought bags, shoes, watches and jewellery came under that category 😬

@Mummyshark2019 I don't know 🤷🏻‍♀️ he didn't say.

@havingtochangeusernameagain

Hmmm. Not sure sitting around a pool in some concrete resort in Spain is enhancing "cultural capital". Going to Spain and visiting historic cities like Segovia or Toledo, eating local food and maybe doing a language course is enhancing cultural capital. But you can't do that with a 2 year old.

Really? Why not? Ok, probably not the language course but I don’t see why sight seeing and eating local food should be prohibited when you are with a small child.