For not wanting to holiday abroad?

[chocolatelog]

Myself and 4 out of 5 of the children haven't been abroad. We don't even have passports.

Dh and the 3 oldest all want to go on holiday this year. Dh has found a holiday for 10 days in Spain and is pressuring me to go but I've got zero interest. My eldest (17) has been with her friends family so she's got the bug and is begging me to go.
A part of me feels like I should go because before long the kids will be older and won't be interested in going with us, but I just can't be bothered with it all. I filled in one passport form and that was enough to make me go 🙈 it took 5 attempts at getting it wrong, so the thought of filling in 5 people's worth is enough to put me into an early grave!

The two youngest are 5 and 2 and I feel like it won't really be an enjoyable experience for me, dh is very hands on with them but I'm a stress head and get into rage pretty quickly 😬

Plus the money for passports and the actual holiday for 7 people makes me think we could use it for better things, we both need a new cat each and I'm thinking I'd rather those than a pissing holiday 🤦🏻‍♀️

I don't know if my attitude to it all is because I've never been abroad, I'm quite happy to spend a week in Cornwall or Dorset or anywhere else that this country has to offer. The thought of flying and watching the kids like a hawk just doesn't appeal to me in the slightest. Is it a case of what you've never had you never miss? Or should I just put my happy face on and agree to going?

@chocolatelog - being scared to take the meds sounds like a part of your general anxiety. How sympathetic is your GP? Could you agree with a doctor that if you start getting a bad reaction you will be seen immediately? Your aunt may have had a different kind of mental health problem. Anti depressants do work well for many people and there are different types if the first one you try doesn’t work.

OP, I wish you all the best with getting help

Cbatothinkofaname I find that so surprising that people really think that. One of the cousins still living in my parents' country of origin does some amazing work running women's shelters in her spare time, has a good job which brings her into contact with a range of young people from different £ backgrounds. But to you, she is still closed minded because she's not interested in leaving her country.

the mind boggles.

I’m split here and I recognize the situation. My parents never travelled and neither have my brother and my wife. I’ve been very fortunate after university to travel. I was once going to the Rockies and my brother said he couldn’t understand why anyone would want to visit America.

But I love my family and I sympathize with why they just don’t think “abroad” is for them. It’s a shame for you but it would be a bigger shame to pass that on to your children

Just seen the latest update form OP, please talk to someone about the meds. Your aunt might have had a different strength prescription and everyone reacts differently to ADs (assuming tat is what they are?).

If you are scared of the meds then maybe try (as hard as it might be with 5 kids) to do some other things t help with the depression. Such as fresh air and 30 minutes light exercise every day ( a brisk stroll). Try a magnesium supplement and maybe Vitamin D and B12. There are also short yoga videos on yuotube you could try, or meditation. Make some time for yourself, have a bath with Epsom salts (magnesium) and a relaxing herbal teas once the kids are in bed.

@MuseumofInnocence it won't be passed on to them. They have their own minds.

OP I totally understand.
Do the passports,
one at a time, one per week.
the over 16s can have 10 year passports which is great.

one step at a time.

What an insane drip feed. Why didn't you include these mental health issues in you OP? You initially gave an attitude of not wanting to go "abroad" because you cant be bothered but as soon as PP start telling you that YABU and selfish, suddenly depression and anxiety are the real cause of it? I'm honestly not sure of the true situation here.

Apart from the passport forms I don't see why going abroad is any more hassle than going on holiday in the UK. I think you should go for it. I find it much easier to visit my in laws in Spain than my own family in the UK. Spain is a 2hour flight and my parents house is a hellish 8 hour drive away. I don't mean to be critical but do you really have no interest in seeing other places and cultures? We've travelled a lot with our kids, including to India and North Africa. Even though they're still young they get so much out of it. They love talking about the other countries and the differences they've spotted. I do believe it's really enriched their lives and it's as important as the education they get at school. A couple of things though - don't let your husband get away with leaving you to do everything. He should do at least 50%. That could he a condition of you going. Take it in turns supervising the kids by the pool. Why not limit it to 1 hour stretches in the pool? I can't think of anything worse or more boring than lying by the pool all day. Plan activities you all enjoy. Consider the heat. It can get in to 40s sometimes. But go!! You'll love it!

@GreytExpectations because I thought it wasn't needed! Not everyone wants to talk about it.

@chocolatelog yeah but it's not as simple as talking about is it? Your post went from being too lazy and selfish to allow your family holiday to be in Spain to depression/anxiety actually being the reason why. It just makes the whole thread questionable , so why not explain that initially? Unless of course, you not wanting to go has nothing to do with depression or anxiety and you are just not bothered. But I can't tell anymore

But it wasnt just holiday abroad OP. You then went on to say you didnt want to holiday in England for more than a weekend and suggested that was because you liked your thing and they liked theirs.
You need to get help with it because it is impacting on your family life and that really isnt fair on anybody

@GreytExpectations well I didn't know that my depression and anxiety was the reason for me not wanting to go. And I'm not bothered about going but that could just be the d/a couldn't it? And I'm not selfish and lazy. I've got 5 kids can anyone be selfish and lazy with 5 kids? 🙄

I have to say, I'm not sure what the issue here is anymore. It's odd how the drip feed started after the OP was getting a hard time and being called out for BU...

@sweeneytoddsrazor we went for a long weekend because that's all we could afford and dh couldn't have anymore time off than that (self employed) plus after more than a few days together we're killing each other.

@GreytExpectations of course 🙄

I've got 5 kids can anyone be selfish and lazy with 5 kids?

Oh don't be a martyr- that was your choice and the amount of kids someone has doesn't equate to their personality traits. It is selfish to insist that your family do a holiday your way and not consider compromising. It is also selfish to avoid getting help when it directly impacts your family. Depression and anxiety are truly awful to deal with but its not fair to bring your family down with you.

Juts wanted to add that a holiday with a 2 and 5 yo could potentially be quite stressful. There have been numerous threads on here before about is just being 'same shit somewhere different' (can't remember who said that). And that is posted by people presumably not suffering with depression. Add the extra anxiety in and it might not be so relaxing as one might imagine.

I have taken DD, 4 yo with ASD, and have found it quite stressful at times to be honest. And that is with Dh taking his share and only traveling with one child (who happens to be used to travelling as visiting grandparets abroad a lot). Some kids sleep, eat and play well away from home and fit into the family holiday routine, some don't.

So when people suggest that you will be able to just read by the pool and relax they might be thinking of the kids being in a kids club (which not all children like anyway) or that DH would be taking his 'shifts'.

Today 13:29 RosaWaiting

OP, I wish you all the best with getting help flowers

Cbatothinkofaname I find that so surprising that people really think that. One of the cousins still living in my parents' country of origin does some amazing work running women's shelters in her spare time, has a good job which brings her into contact with a range of young people from different £ backgrounds. But to you, she is still closed minded because she's not interested in leaving her country.

the mind boggles.

I’m sure your mind is boggling as you appear unable to read straightforward posts.

This cousin who’s doing amazing work in her home country: does she view all other countries with suspicion and decide that she won’t like them, without having experienced them? If so, then yes, she’s closed minded. But I suspect she wouldn’t.

I repeat: the OP is closed minded because she had decided that she won’t like ‘abroad.’ Not because she hasn’t yet been there.

it won't be passed on to (the children). They have their own minds

And yet you mentioned almost proudly that there are now 4 generations who've all felt the same way

Leaving aside the colossal drip feed and that it only appeared when PPs queried your choices, I have to wonder what DH's account of this would sound like. You insisted that he's a great guy, so surely some compromise could be worked out around form filling, planning, packing and the rest?

Sometimes the first step's the hardest, but why not at least ask him this?

‘I've got 5 kids can anyone be selfish and lazy with 5 kids?’

What a totally pointless statement. People with any number of kids or none can be selfish and lazy.

it won't be passed on to them. They have their own minds

I’m not sure. I’ve seen how it manifests in my family, and you say yourself your parents never travelled abroad. Do you not have your own mind?

Your kids will resent you when they're older and all of their mates look at them confusedly when they say they've never left the country.
Sounds horrible but it makes you look close minded and uncultured. If you've never been how on earth would you know you don't like it?

I'm jetting off to the Maldives tonight and am v excited!

I've not read the whole thread- just popping on in my lunch break. Please take them. We took our children to Spain when they were tiny 4,3 and 1. We took a bus each day and explored and spent evenings on the beach or in our accommodation grounds. It was honestly the best thing and it was relaxing!

We have taken them a few times abroad now and it really is great. My husband didn't want to travel and the first time he went abroad was when we took the kids to Spain and he now sees it as something truly to be thankful of that he is able to visit so many places.

I also think it's a awful snobby and sneery to bang on about 'seeing the world' and lambast people who don't because it's bloody expensive to travel and a whole helluva lot of people cannot afford to do so. Or are able to. It's utterly shit to assume such people are small-minded and ignorant.

There's a world of difference in not wanting or being able to travel owing to income and circumstances and "not being interested in other countries" as the op stated.

However, all that is by the by if depression and anxiety is the reason behind this, as they are both hideous to deal with and I imagine it's hard enough to just keep going with the day to day, never mind organising five dc for a holiday.

And I actually I think it's a fair statement to say you are less likely to be lazy if you have five kids. (Not including parents who neglect their dc to the point where they are starving, unwashed etc in this of course) but generally us with "onlys" can get away with changing one nappy, cooking a little food, doing one wash, every so often. All of those very basic tasks are multiplied in time and energy by the number of dc you have, so yes probably parents with dc have much less opportunity to be lazy I reckon.