For not wanting to holiday abroad?

[chocolatelog]

Myself and 4 out of 5 of the children haven't been abroad. We don't even have passports.

Dh and the 3 oldest all want to go on holiday this year. Dh has found a holiday for 10 days in Spain and is pressuring me to go but I've got zero interest. My eldest (17) has been with her friends family so she's got the bug and is begging me to go.
A part of me feels like I should go because before long the kids will be older and won't be interested in going with us, but I just can't be bothered with it all. I filled in one passport form and that was enough to make me go 🙈 it took 5 attempts at getting it wrong, so the thought of filling in 5 people's worth is enough to put me into an early grave!

The two youngest are 5 and 2 and I feel like it won't really be an enjoyable experience for me, dh is very hands on with them but I'm a stress head and get into rage pretty quickly 😬

Plus the money for passports and the actual holiday for 7 people makes me think we could use it for better things, we both need a new cat each and I'm thinking I'd rather those than a pissing holiday 🤦🏻‍♀️

I don't know if my attitude to it all is because I've never been abroad, I'm quite happy to spend a week in Cornwall or Dorset or anywhere else that this country has to offer. The thought of flying and watching the kids like a hawk just doesn't appeal to me in the slightest. Is it a case of what you've never had you never miss? Or should I just put my happy face on and agree to going?

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3566958-to-be-terrified-about-climate-change

@Namestheyareachangin I had a miscarriage last month x

Depression does not equal closed-mindedness. And the OP has exhibited a lot of that ... ‘ no interest in going abroad’ etc

Surely part of being a parent is exposing your children to things that will entertain and educate them and perhaps foster their own interests. One of my own children developed a very early interest in machinery and transport - it wasn’t something that came naturally to me but it would have been awful if I’d said ‘it’s boring, I’m not interested, can’t be arsed to visit that exhibition’

There’s clearly more than one thing at play here. You say your dh doesn’t lift a finger to share the organising. What led to this? Has he ever done his share? If not why the hell have you brought 5 kids into the world?

Depression or not, it’s not helpful for any of us to just go oh poor you. This sounds like a very negative situation where the older kids are probably going to end up feeling very resentful. Not specifically about not going abroad, but about the general air of negativity that’s coming across

Unfortunately it's on me to be the sensible one and say we need a van more than a holiday
Well that’s not the whole truth is it? You’d prefer the van as holidays are worse than having your toenails pulled out for you.

Oh @chocolatelog I'm so so sorry What a difficult time you're having. This thread can't have helped. Please do seek what help you can for yourself and take it easy on yourself. Holiday can definitely wait; again the context makes it clearer that your DH is being pretty insensitive bringing this longstanding bone of contention to a head now. I hope he can agree to compromise and take the teens off for a week instead. Really sorry for my first post, and all the best to you x

I think you’ve had a bit of a beating here OP and there’s a bit of classism going on over people in general never going abroad
I know how hard it is to fight past depression and your ingrained coping habits, but you need to have a think about what you need to make this work and be explicit to your DH and eldest. HE needs to be willing to compromise as well - this is the first time going abroad a shorter holiday, looking at kids facilities, different locations should all be sensible things to discuss. He and the teenagers could then go do a city break in one of the half terms as well.

I last went abroad to Spain with 2 & 5 year olds, it was hell. 30C heat, impossible to keep them both amused after the first 3 days of beach, too hot to do anything not even sleep at night, constant vigilance on the beach/pool with wandering toddler so no chance to relax. It wasn’t a holiday I said not again, not until they’re older. And frankly they love holidays in the UK, if there is a beach and an aquarium they’re grand. They think static caravans are amazing.

@Tunnockswafer yep they are lately.

I think there needs to be compromise on both sides. I’d hate to have my wings clipped by a partner, but then your anxiety is awful and I do get some of your concerns.
Suggested compromises:
-DH does the forms
-DH and teens do their own packing and pre-packing (thinking about what they are taking and making sure it’s washed and dried in advance etc).

• Ditch the Villa (self-catering and pool anxiety) for a half-board or AI hotel or apart hotel with good reviews for food; with pools and lifeguards; within walking or free shuttle distance of a decent sized town or resort.

You will love reading by the pool and can walk or hop in a bus to sightsee when bored. There will also be loads of reasonable excursions from the hotel/ resort and I bet your family surprise you by wanting to go on them, maybe you could lure the teens and leave DH wrangling the littles by the pool! Personally I prefer room only or b&b, as like you, I love food and trying local places is more appealing than hotel restaurants, but I appreciate the cost for a large family of eating and drinking out could be horrendous.

• a package holiday will reduce the stress a lot as they take care of transfer etc. I think JET2 have won awards recently and have options across most price ranges.
• do some research yourself to find options you are willing to try.

I think you do have to push yourself here. Talk through your doubts with DH and actually discuss how they can be dealt with one by one. I do think a lot of women have traditionally had a shit deal out of caravan/camping/self-catering holidays, doing all the shitwork they do at home, but without the familiarity, support and resources they might have at home. If you fear DH would opt out of that then it’s a very valid objection!

I'm split here OP because I do think you are being really, really selfish by deciding your wants come before the rest of the family who want a holiday. BUT the preparation for it is a massive bastard and being left to parent by yourself while the other parent does the fun stuff is fucking shit.

So why can't there be some compromise? DH does all the passport forms/packing/sorting etc. Go to a resort where there's lots to do? Somewhere all inclusive so you don't have to worry about cooking etc. Definitely somewhere with kids clubs and evening entertainment. No way would I go for a villa for the first holiday because I think it can be very boring. Go somewhere with access to a water park/theme park/zoo where the whole family can enjoy and you can spend hours walking around taking it all in while the kids have fun.

There can be compromise but you don't seem willing to even give it a go. Start with the forms. Tell DH you will go if X, Y and Z is agreed first. If he doesn't do the forms then it's a clear sign of how the holiday will go (him agreeing to stuff then backing out) so then you have valid reason for not going rather than just making stuff up in your head now (which is how anxiety works, I do know that, I imagine all sorts when mine is playing up).

If DH wants this holiday then he has to be willing to compromise on things.

Cbatothinkofaname

so for you, a blanket "doesn't want to leave home country" = close mindedness? It's that straightforward for you?

If my husband refused to go abroad I would go without him! I love travelling and if someone told me I couldn't go I would be really unhappy. It's also unfair to dent your children the experience of going abroad.
Sometimes you have to compromise. Spain isn't that far. If you don't like the sound of a villa with a pool find somewhere else to stay that you would feel more relaxed in.

You sound like fun.

I think yabvu. I say that as someone who is not a massive fan of going abroad.

It's not fair for you to always veto the holidays your dh wants.

You don't have to sunbathe, I don't sunbathe, I sit in the shade.

There are lots of lovely things about Spain, great weather, beautiful beaches, fantastic food, lovely people. The dc can swim all day, they would love it.

It will be me doing those forms, packing all the luggage, organising the kids, deciding what we eat, making sure I've got everything and giving myself a migraine in the progress!
I'll get there and while dh is having a fab time I'll be the one left with the two little ones (because he likes what the teenagers like) sweating, stressed, angered and having a shit time.

Why? Genuine question. Why does it have to be you doing all the work and looking after the little kids?

You are both adults so why can you not have a reasonable adult discussion beforehand to ensure that he does his share? When you go away take it in turns to be the one entertaining the small children. Agree as a family about activities - some days at the pool and some days exploring other things.

RTFT, PEOPLE! THE 'D'H AND KIDS WANT TO DO FA TOWARDS THE HOLIDAY! THEY EXPECT THE OP TO DO ALL FORMS, ORGANISING AND PACKING (and they retain the ability to bitch and moan and cause drama if she forgets something)!!! THE H HAS MANDATED THEY MUST ALL GO AND HE GETS TO DO THE FUN STUFF WITH THE OLDER ONES WHILST THE OP DOES ALL THE GRUNT WORK WITH THE LITTLE ONES. HE REFUSES TO TAKE THE KIDS ON HIS OWN!

Open your mind OP - go!!!!! I can totally understand your frustration and dread at the passports, they are a bugger. I always mess ours up but that is a pretty sad reason to not want to do this trip. At least try it once and then make an informed future choice.

@chocolatelog - you are clearly not well and need to deal with your depression and anxiety. Please think about seeing your GP and getting help before you have another pregnancy (if you want more children, if not consider better contraception)

Tell DH that the holiday isn’t the problem here. His general lack of support and understanding is making your mental health worse. You need him to stop pressuring you about a holiday until you feel stronger.

Rosawaiting- If you decide that you have no interest in something without having experienced it then yes, that’s exactly what being closed minded is. And very unfair to foist the result of that mindset on your children

@Bluesmartiesarebest I've seen my gp and got the mess I'm too scared to take them. My aunt had a nervous breakdown and was sectioned whilst taking them. I'm so scared about taking them that there just sitting in the cupboard. I know I must take them but my anxiety won't let me.

Meds that was suppose to say.

I can't see this post is helping you in any way - you've made your mind up that holidays aren't for you, so I'd just get off the thread if I was you and concentrate on sorting out what appear to be much deeper issues with family / DH helping out and anxiety/depression.

As someone who love holidays and would normally always encourage anyone who's thinking about travel to do so, in this particular siltation you might be right to not go on a holiday abroad OP. When depressed even the smallest thing, like filling out a form, can cause immense stress and anxiety. I get it.

Treat the depression first (and this might take some time) then when you feel better the prospect of a holiday will feel a lot less daunting and might even help you a bit in your recovery.

If anything coms out of starting this thread then maybe it is that you might want to do something about your anxiety and depression, regardless of whether you decide to go on holiday or not.

You have had some supportive comments and suggestions from previous posters and hopefully this might help you with your decisions.

I’ve only ever taken one of mine aboard. It’s really not my thing. What about a have style holiday in France? Go by ferry, it’s abroad?

Lucky for me by dh isn’t bothered and one of my children is scared of heights so getting him on a plane would be a nightmare.

like most men isn't practical in his thinking

No actually, this isn't most men. Don't add sexist to your wonderful list of straights that currently includes selfish, close minded and inconsiderate

Depression, anxiety or not you should be looking into getting help for yourself, not just writing everything off as "that's the way I am".
Why the hell did you decide to get married and have 5 children if you were never going to consider their enjoyment and needs above your's for just one family holiday? All you keep giving is excuses and moaning-quite frankly, you sound like such hard work, I feel sorry for your family having to put up with that level of negativity.
Have you actually spoken to you dh about your concerns? From your posts, its all you saying "No" and assuming you'll hate it when this whole time you could actually act like an adult and talk your DH about concerns and agree that the parenting responsibility will fall on both of you if you go on holiday and whilst your at it, ask him to help you with the forms. I see so many women on here moan about their husbands/partners but its as if they expect them to read their minds!

Sorry you're having a hard time OP but this is the most EPIC drip feed I've seen in a long while.