For not wanting to holiday abroad?

[chocolatelog]

Myself and 4 out of 5 of the children haven't been abroad. We don't even have passports.

Dh and the 3 oldest all want to go on holiday this year. Dh has found a holiday for 10 days in Spain and is pressuring me to go but I've got zero interest. My eldest (17) has been with her friends family so she's got the bug and is begging me to go.
A part of me feels like I should go because before long the kids will be older and won't be interested in going with us, but I just can't be bothered with it all. I filled in one passport form and that was enough to make me go 🙈 it took 5 attempts at getting it wrong, so the thought of filling in 5 people's worth is enough to put me into an early grave!

The two youngest are 5 and 2 and I feel like it won't really be an enjoyable experience for me, dh is very hands on with them but I'm a stress head and get into rage pretty quickly 😬

Plus the money for passports and the actual holiday for 7 people makes me think we could use it for better things, we both need a new cat each and I'm thinking I'd rather those than a pissing holiday 🤦🏻‍♀️

I don't know if my attitude to it all is because I've never been abroad, I'm quite happy to spend a week in Cornwall or Dorset or anywhere else that this country has to offer. The thought of flying and watching the kids like a hawk just doesn't appeal to me in the slightest. Is it a case of what you've never had you never miss? Or should I just put my happy face on and agree to going?

The issues here are way beyond the holiday. If you’ve had 5 kids knowing that you’ll do all the cooking, holiday packing, form filling etc then frankly you’ve facilitated your dh being pretty hopeless.

Anyway what’s done is done. You have 5 kids and you owe it to each of them to give them as positive a childhood as possible. Going to Spain or not isn’t really the issue. It’s about communicating with your dh, getting help for your illness and starting to work towards some common goals. Your eldest is 17, one more year before adulthood and very limited time for family activities left.
While I’ve no wish to put the boot in to someone who’s depressed, I do think it’s important to flag up the children here. They didn’t choose their father, you did, and they deserve to have childhood experiences (abroad or not) which aren’t soured by this negativity

or go on a package holiday or somewhere with a kid's club?

Bloody hell, what a hard time so many posters have given the OP! I’m shocked that so many people think that not taking children abroad is a parenting crime. DC have never been abroad because, for a variety of different reasons, we can’t afford it. It doesn’t make us bad parents. They have many other opportunities but travelling outside the UK is not possible for us.

Incidentally, once my DC were old enough we travelled all over the place, the DC have been all over the world and speak 5 languages between them. It didn't do them any harm to stay at home when they were little.Not deprived in any way.

I'm not hugely keen on travelling abroad and prefer to holiday in the uk, however my DH is very keen on travelling abroad so I get where you are coming from - however, sometimes you just have to suck it up. It's not fair or kind to forever be the person preventing others from something as reasonable as a holiday in the sun if they want to, you can always pick the destination next time. TBF I would rather eat my own toenails than go to Spain but if my family were that desperate to go and I was the only one who didn't want to then I would grin and bear it - and try not to spoil it for them by having a face like a slapped arse the whole time. Ten days is a long time though, maybe you could compromise on a week, or if there is an alternative and more interesting sunny destination you could come up with suggestions? Also surely your DH can help with the passport form filling - you won't have to do it again for years once it's done.

we only took ours abroad once,
they have since got their own travel bug

it doesnt matter

Likeafish- the thread has moved on with further info from the OP. I don’t think the kids are suffering from not going abroad but they will be experiencing a very negative family dynamic by the sounds of it

It’s rather defeatist to say you know you won’t enjoy it. I’d think about what the rest of the family would enjoy and factor that into account too. You’ll still be watching after all the dc in Cornwall as well as Spain. I think you should go on a foreign holiday if the rest of the family would like to. We’ve done Center Parcs holiday which dh was dreading but dd has such a fabulous time it made it worthwhile for us. Fwiw I’d look at other destination options. What sort of things do you like to do on holiday in Cornwall? Where couod you go to get a similar experience that you’d enjoy more? Even if you took he car in the eurotunnel and went to France for a week that would be a foreign holiday. Brittany is similar to Cornwall and might be up your street. I think everyone should compromise and if you agree to going abroad then dh should be accepting that the Spain villa might not be the right option.

Yep! BINGO! Just seen your last post! I was spot on.

Now if it was just me dh and the teenagers going it might not be such a big deal. But dh has said he will not leave the little ones behind so that's out of the question. I just wish he would take them so they could have their experience and leave me alone 🙄

You just tell him and the older ones: YOU sort it all out and go because basically you want ME to do all the shit work. Fuck that. And the only thing that's out of the question is a so-called holiday where you are the PA and they go on holiday.

He's being a dick and I'd not have that.

DC have never been abroad because, for a variety of different reasons, we can’t afford it

But nobody is saying that situation makes you a poor parent.

It's quite another issue to have zero interest in travel, no interest in what is happening in the world outside your tiny little comfort zone and to pass that narrow minded-ness onto your own kids.

More than one issue here - give your dh the forms to complete, tell him to pack or write a packing list for the family and that if he does these things you’ll agree to go. Don’t go self catering, if you’re half board you won’t have any cooking to do. My small children have adored holidays in warmer climes, swimming outdoors is more fun and they ask to go back regularly (if only!) You have a martyr’s attitude and could make changes if you really wanted.
Passports are a pita once they are done that’s the worst - but again, why is it you?

So sorry, I didnt read the full thread (hangs head in shame) and didn't see that you have anxiety and depression, so many apologies. I would see if you can come to a compromise with your DH that suits you both, somewhere in the sun but with a more interesting location so there are things to do and you aren't just sitting round a pool for 10 days. I find I get incredibly anxious when I go abroad, I've suffered with anxiety myself since I was 11, however I often find that facing it helps, I come back feeling a bit more confident than I did when I went. Maybe you might find the same.

I think you’re right Magic and doing something for the first time is always the hardest - I have a packing list for example that I go back through and that’s easy, harder first time you go - though there’s usually advice on here about what to take, and if you’re somewhere like Spain not much you can’t buy!

I've no interest in seeing other country's

This is sad to read!

I'd go, it's not like you have some severe phobia of flying and travelling, you just can't be arsed! The majority want to, why shouldn't they get to go because you don't want to? It seems really selfish.

And holidays are more than just laying around... They are what you make them. You can do nothing but lie by the pool or beach or you can go sight seeing, safari trail, waterpark, paragliding etc.

@likeafishneedsabike it's not a crime I'm just astounded that someone would bring 5 children into the world without, you know, even liking or appreciating that world. What's the point of having a kid you have no ambition for and whose knowledge and education you'd actively curb? If you want gormless pets, why not get dogs?

oh no I fucked that up forgetting the inverted commas

will repost

jameswong "So three generations of your family have never left the UK (you, parents, children)? I'm flabbergasted tbh. Didn't think people like that actually existed. "

my reply to that is below this line

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before my parents came to England, that was true of their family. On one side, it still is. They can afford to travel. it's not so awful that they don't want to leave their country. Well, according to you people like that don't exist. I wonder what proportion of the world do leave their home country.

It's always hilarious to see the lack of cultural awareness shown by those banging on about cultural awareness and travel.

Those getting self-righteous about the cost of holidays abroad etc seem to have missed the main point that the OP hasn't even gone away with the kids for a week in the UK, at any time in their lives, and money wasn't the reason for that either. Lots of people are suggesting things that would be cheap and easy but all the op's responses are negative.

I also read it that the DH doesn't want to go away with the kids because ALL of them wanted a holiday as a whole family. Not because he can't be arsed to look after his kids.

I totally get the misery of being the one doing the slog and not feeling like you've had a holiday. That's why you need to think about what YOU would need in place to have a reasonable time. If that means making the teens responsible for packing then do that. It really isn't hard. As someone upthread said, get them to print out a list from the internet if they have no idea where to start. My sil gets her kids to use those big sandwich bags and roll up an outfit a day plus 2 for evenings and each outfit gets its own bag. I haven't got the energy (or love of plastic) to do that but I do try and write a list and have an open bag somewhere to put stuff in as and when its clean.

You have to set boundaries. Either days or part days you can be on your own, or different people responsible for food/shopping on different days. It's all part of the teens learning to be independent as well as making a holiday worth it for you.

I'd point out to him that it is actually him that is preventing his kids going abroad tbh. The younger ones aren't interested, yet he hasn't taken the ones who are? Even though he himself jets off regularly?

I think it's extremely ignorant to say you have no interest in seeing other countries.

Yes I should of mentioned the depression and anxiety earlier on but I didn't think I was going to get such a bashing from not wanting to go abroad 🤦🏻‍♀️

Dh is a great father and husband, but like most men isn't practical in his thinking. It's either a new van or a holiday. Unfortunately it's on me to be the sensible one and say we need a van more than a holiday.

My children aren't deprived or missing out my eldest went to turkey last year. The other two teenagers aren't that bothered about holidays ( ds hates beaches and swimming) dd14 goes on holidays in the uk with her friends family 3 times a year (they have a holiday home in Dorset) the two little ones couldn't care less where they go although they've been on lots of caravan holidays with family.

I think if me and dh went away first then my attitude might be swayed but a first holiday with all of us feels very daunting 🙈 and more of a nightmare than a pleasure.

Oh gosh I've just done a mild stalk (sorry but your UN was familiar) and I see you're also pregnant again. Please PLEASE talk to your midwife about your depression, maternity is a massive risk factor for suicide and the pressures of a pregnancy and a new baby when you already have two small children will be intense - you desperately need proper support, and you will never be in a better position to get it than when pregnant because of the severe risks around peri-and post-natal depression. It doesn't matter if it predates your pregnancy, please talk to your midwife and get proper support. There are ADs you can take during pregnancy, and you will be a priority for talking therapies.

You certainly shouldn't be taking on the additional stress of a holiday you don't want at the moment. Worried for you OP.

He is just as responsible for his kids' 'positive childhood experience' as she is. But he CBAd. That's shit!

Mine all have their own 'travel' bin even, with their various rucksacks and totes, packing cubes, wash bags, etc. but we worked together putting those together.

Dh is a great father and husband, but like most men isn't practical in his thinking.

No, he isn't. And men are no less capable of practical thinking than women. You've been conditioned and have enabled and are pregnant again with a 6th child.

Many many years ago I was working in a community café in Lowestoft. I got chatting to an old boy who told me he'd been part of the Normandy landings when he was just a teenager. Goodness, I said, that must have been terrifying!

'Not really' he said 'Because Id never been out of Lowestoft and I was excited to just go somewhere foreign'. Bless him!