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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that this is a dreadful way to treat my son

307 replies

ThespianTendencies · 23/04/2019 10:54

I am currently in rehearsals so my schedule is quite hectic as the show goes up this week. I left my son (12) with my niece (36) for the evening and was due to collect hm at 1030pm latest. When I arrived - 10:15pm he was sitting alone downstairs in lamplight while my niece and her two sons had all gone up to bed. I think this is an appalling way to treat my son almost as if she was demonstrating how much they did not want him there. He was fine(ish) but I was disgusted. I regularly look after her two boys and never would I leave one of them downstairs while my children and me went up to bed! I texted her to say that it was not very nice and her response was "He's 12, what did you want me to do, sing him a lullabye.' I am really disgusted and angered by it and don't know what to do.

OP posts:
pikapikachu · 23/04/2019 15:08

I have a 12 yr old son who is often in a different room to me gaming, listening to music etc I've gone to bed before him in the holidays and in your shoes would leave him for a couple of hours.

However your son is a guest in her house and it sounds like he doesn't like to be alone. Is he confident enough to speak up next time your sis goes up to bed early?

beanaseireann · 23/04/2019 15:12

What did he do while he waited OP ?

ThatssomebadhatHarry · 23/04/2019 15:14

It depends if she was watching TV in bed was she watching something not suitable for him, or did he want to watch something else? Letting him use ‘the big tv’ to watch something not interesting for her while she watches TV in another room is fine. Going to sleep is a bit rude but she wasn’t asleep.

Original poster
ThespianTendencies · 23/04/2019 15:14

While he waited he was texting me asking if I was coming soon.

OP posts:
ThatssomebadhatHarry · 23/04/2019 15:22

Ah I see so she genuinely just left him then. It is odd behaviour and I think you are on the money, she was showing him that he wasn’t important enough to engage with.

WellThisIsShit · 23/04/2019 15:32

She sounds rude. Flowers

BackOnceAgainWithABurnerEmail · 23/04/2019 15:38

This thread has gone very weird. OP YANBU if you’re looking after someone’s kid or having any guest over you make them feel welcome and you don’t piss off to bed and leave them downstairs alone. That’s very peculiar behaviour. Does she have form for strops or being passive aggressive?

I suspect she’s scored an own goal though as it sounds to me like you’re busy when she next needs help.

Lweji · 23/04/2019 15:42

Did she say anything to him when she went upstairs? Do you have a key? Did she expect him to just leave and leave the door unlocked?

It is odd, I certainly give you that. I wouldn't do it with any of my nephews.

Do you usually offer to take her children? Or does she ask?
Could it be that she didn't like that you only collected him late at night?
Does she usually leave her own children downstairs and goes to bed?

Jux · 23/04/2019 15:43

Did you have to persuade your sister to have him, this time? Maybe she had been planning for an early night, watch a film in bed, relax with a glass of something nice?

If you live so close, I would have left ds at home with instructions to run round to your sister's if there's actually a problem he needs immediate help with. I'd assume a 12yo wasn't going to do anything stupid like set fire to the place.

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 23/04/2019 16:10

Funny idea of manners some people have.

In no reasonable person's universe is this not outstandingly rude. 'Disgusting' perhaps not. But the absolute height of bad manners even so.

Tinkobell · 23/04/2019 16:14

I'd feel upset if my DS had been treated like that OP. Make new plans if you can.

qazxc · 23/04/2019 16:17

Originally I thought that you were being a bit unreasonable: she didn't go to bed, she was watching telly in a different room. which would not be a problem if say DN was watching something on the TV downstairs or engrossed in Ipad. But then again I'd assume that my teenage (13) nephews wouldn't think twice about coming to get me if they needed anything.
The fact that she didn't bother coming down to open door, that she didn't talk to DN and that he was texting you asking when you were going to be back; that would worry me/ point to a bigger problem. I would avoid him going over to her house in future as he seems uncomfortable with it.

TheGodmother · 23/04/2019 16:19

For whatever reason she's being a mean passive aggressive fruit loop.

Your son is 12 just leave him by himself in future and withdraw your support for your niece.

In the mad old world of MNet, it is now acceptable to leave a guest downstairs while the host goes to bed to watch TV!

Stop answering all the other poster who are trying to derail your thread, just ignore them. Who care what your job is, your niece was rude!

ItWentInMyEye · 23/04/2019 16:40

YADNBU! She was rude and mean in my opinion. I wouldn't ask her to provide childcare again, nor would I help her if she asked.

tessieandoz · 23/04/2019 16:51

Stunningly rude and disrespectful to you both. Ill mannered .

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 23/04/2019 17:04

I think its rude.

If she was ill or had to get up mega early then fair enough (but I think it would have been polite to agree to have him but then say as long as you are ok with them being upstairs for a while)

It's not unsafe at his age so I dont think it wasn't looking after him properly or anything. But he was a guest in their house and it's just rude to disappear off upstairs if they dont really need to

And her sarcastic response was a bit u pleasant as well.

blondiehip · 23/04/2019 17:16

You are 100% not being unreasonable. I would be furious too! If she had an issue with the timings, she should of told you first!

Weirdpenguin · 23/04/2019 17:20

I think it depends on her general attitude to him throughout the evening. It does sound as if she made him feel very unwelcome. Some posters sound as if they are pushing independence onto 12 year olds prematurely. There is a lot of variation and some feel confident alone earlier than others. Paying a 12 year old to be responsible for younger children in the evening or just leaving them to be responsible without payment is unreasonable imo. YANBU,

Babuchak · 23/04/2019 17:44

Paying a 12 year old to be responsible for younger children in the evening or just leaving them to be responsible without payment is unreasonable imo.

it depends on the 12 year old, it's completely fine in my book. We are not talking taking over the household for 10 days whilst the parents go on holiday, we are talking leaving the kids home when you go for a drink or diner in the neighbourhood. You know if your own child is ready or not.
I would have been absolutely mortified if my own parents had employed a babysitter when I was 12, and so would have been my eldest!

This thread has gone bonkers, we went from a 12 year old spending a couple of hours in his aunt's house whilst his mum was busy to a "guest left alone whilst the host disappeared watching tv in her bedroom" Grin

Original poster
ThespianTendencies · 23/04/2019 17:55

I appreciate all the comments and support here . I am now certain that she was behaving badly and that I am not mad! I just think that to g off to bed after barely uttering a word to him is plain rude and thoughtless,. She was not up earlier than anyone else, she was not ill, she is a moody mare and always has been - my son is aware of that and kind of rolls with it mostly. But I know if it were me and I had been shattered I;d have waited until the parent had arrived at least or if my dd was home (she's at Uni) I'd have asked her to sit with her cousin, not just left him alone downstairs.

OP posts:
M4J4 · 23/04/2019 18:00

So what are you going to do, OP?

Babuchak · 23/04/2019 18:05

If your adult niece refused to even utter a word to your child, surely the only thing to do is not send him there ever again?

Bad attitude aside, If you don't agree with not staying in the same room as your child, you don't send him there either.

Surely that's not even a question

ScienceIsTruth · 23/04/2019 18:13

I don't know what's wrong with people on here, but I don't know anyone in real life who wouldn't think that that was the height of rudeness and unkindess.

Might have been slightly understandable if you had said: " I'll pick him up by 10.30pm", and then rolled up at midnight, but even then I wouldn't take it out on the child.

YANBU to be upset. I would be too, and I'd have to speak to her about it.

beanaseireann · 23/04/2019 18:23

ThespianTendencies
You are not mad. As you say , your niece is a moody mare. I'd say she's a rude moody mare. I'm not sure I'd be doing too much with / for her children anymore.
She's shown you what she's like.
Some horrible comments on here, just ignore them OP.

Noimaginationxyzz · 23/04/2019 18:23

It's just not kind, is it, to make a child feel awkward and unwelcome. You just don't do that