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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that this is a dreadful way to treat my son

307 replies

ThespianTendencies · 23/04/2019 10:54

I am currently in rehearsals so my schedule is quite hectic as the show goes up this week. I left my son (12) with my niece (36) for the evening and was due to collect hm at 1030pm latest. When I arrived - 10:15pm he was sitting alone downstairs in lamplight while my niece and her two sons had all gone up to bed. I think this is an appalling way to treat my son almost as if she was demonstrating how much they did not want him there. He was fine(ish) but I was disgusted. I regularly look after her two boys and never would I leave one of them downstairs while my children and me went up to bed! I texted her to say that it was not very nice and her response was "He's 12, what did you want me to do, sing him a lullabye.' I am really disgusted and angered by it and don't know what to do.

OP posts:
Teateaandmoretea · 23/04/2019 18:31

I think yabu and this is why I never ever offer evening childcare to anyone. I have me evening routine and like to go to bed early (for me half ten is really late) and watch telly in bed. I also like to have a glass of wine if I want one without someone railing about what would happen if their perfectly healthy child needed suddenly rushing to hospital.

If you don't like it then pay, then they will do what you ask.

AncoraAmarena · 23/04/2019 18:33

Well OP, I can say without hesitation that I would rather you look after my child than your ignorant niece.

What are you going to do going forward? Are you still going to ask her to look after him and return the favour for her children?

I hope she's been in touch to apologise though I suspect she hasn't and won't.

Namenic · 23/04/2019 18:47

If she had young kids that need someone to sit with them to put them to bed then I understand.

Otherwise I would sit downstairs and watch tv/film with guest and maybe have a tea/hot choc. A bit weird.

Teateaandmoretea · 23/04/2019 18:49

Otherwise I would sit downstairs and watch tv/film with guest and maybe have a tea/hot choc. A bit weird.

It would be weird if it was a one off, but I read that it is a regular occurance. Personally I think it's weird to force a child that age to go to bed after 11 on a regular basis while you rehearse but we are all clearly different.

AhhhHereItGoes · 23/04/2019 19:20

Personally I'd only ever do this if I was ill (for whatever reason they were still here)
Or they had a similar ages DC to keep them company and we're both sensible kids.

I just naturally would want my cousin/nephew/friends child etc entertained and comfortable so offering conversation, free reign of the remote/DVD player etc.

I think if they indicated they wanted some alone time I'd do it if they were sensible but that would be because they wanted to be alone, not because I wanted to relax.

I think it's fair enough to want to relax when you have guests but not at the detriment of those guests.

I could never ignore a 12 year old all night - how emotionally abusive is that?

breakingthebank · 23/04/2019 19:34

The whole thing sounds strange to me and I agree your niece was rude (perhaps not disgusting but definitely rude). Could her dcs not have stayed up with him and watched a film or played a game while she went to watch TV in another room? Leaving him all alone wasn't very nice.

mooncuplanding · 23/04/2019 20:03

There’s lots of ‘oh she’s so rude’ on this thread

Hate to break it to you (all) but people are going to be rude to your precious children.

Get over it. She was doing you a favour.

Babuchak · 23/04/2019 20:05

I could never ignore a 12 year old all night - how emotionally abusive is that?

you do realise that the mother came, as planned, to pick up her son at 10:30 don't you? Hardly an emotional trauma, at worst the kid was bored for an hour. We seem to assume he was left with phone, tv, and access to the kitchen and toilets and OP hasn't advised us otherwise Grin

mooncuplanding · 23/04/2019 20:15

I’m genuinely not surprised anxiety is out of control in this country if so many parents are calling ‘someone being a bit rude’ (which is actually arguably not) as abusive. A 12 year old on his own in a room

Ffs

Windbeneathmybingowings · 23/04/2019 20:50

This has probably been covered but who answered the door to you? We don’t let our children answer the door, particularly late at night, because of dangerous night callers (aggravated robberies).

I think it’s very rude personally.

Hooverisalwaysbroken · 23/04/2019 21:25

It all sounds a bit weird (the not speaking more than one sentence, the text), but maybe check that all is ok before you say /do something ?

Today was the first day of my period and (very unusually) I have just been in so much pain and in a seriously lousy mood (took ineffective painkillers, tried very hard not to take it out on the children, telling them them that “mummy’s tummy hurt, so mummy is in an awful mood”, but not quite succeeding in pretending to be normal). If I had had a 12 nephew/relative over, was comfortable that he was safe and assumed he knew I loved him, I might have gone to bed (admittedly claiming migraine or back pain, but I am older than your niece, so possibly more diplomatic). Am actually in bed now, trying to get the day to end.

Maybe there is a simple explanation like that?

Original poster
ThespianTendencies · 23/04/2019 21:43

windbeneathmywings my son answered the door as he was the only one downstairs

OP posts:
Windbeneathmybingowings · 23/04/2019 21:49

Now that’s shit. I know adults who won’t answer the door themselves after 10, let alone leaving a child to do it. We all have those special camera door bells here because of how bad it’s getting. Aside from the rudeness of it, that’s also not what you want from a caregiver. Don’t leave him there again.

dustarr73 · 23/04/2019 23:06

@mooncuplanding Of course its rude.
Anyway op looks after dn kids.So its give and take.Or was

@Teateaandmoretea thats fine but the dn said she would mind him.If she didnt want to she could have said.

Even sent a text to the op saying she was going to bed and could she come back earlier.

Bunbunbunny · 23/04/2019 23:09

It's bloody rude, don't look after her children again & don't leave your DS with her again. Let him go home & video call him to check on him least he'll be comfortable.

Jamieson90 · 23/04/2019 23:27

I think it is incredibly rude.

If I, as an adult, went to a friend's home and they buggered off and left me by myself after awhile, I'd be wondering why I'd bothered visiting and leave. I'm their guest after all.

A 12 year old doesn't have that option, but somehow it's okay because it's a kid?

The decent thing to do despite how tired she was would have been to sit with him till you arrived, which wouldn't have been much longer anyway.

Can't believe some people are defending this. There is a massive difference between, "you kids go play by yourselves, we're going to do x," compared to, "we're all going to bed cya later."

Original poster
ThespianTendencies · 23/04/2019 23:30

babuchak I don't care about someone being in the same room as my youngest ds, in fact a lot of the time I am glad when ds has gone off to play guitar or piano or Xbox or whatever, He is very independent at home. He goes to the park himself and to the corner shop etc. But my issue is making him feel decidedly uncomfortable and unwanted by going to bed and leaving him sitting downstairs with fuck all to do while he waited for me. I would not do it. I would not leave a child downstairs while I went to bed if they were in my care (and not mine). I had her youngest son with me one day during holidays and my son was elsewhere at a music workshop. Despite the possibiliyut of a child free day I still gave him as much attention and time as he needed and talked and engaged like he was important to me.

OP posts:
Original poster
ThespianTendencies · 23/04/2019 23:32

M4J4 My 85 year old mother came and childminded this evening. I have the rest of the week covered and he is coming to see the show Fri and Sat.

OP posts:
Original poster
ThespianTendencies · 23/04/2019 23:36

Teateaandmoretea - It is not regular occurrence. I don't regularly get him to bed at 11, nor do I regularly go out at night. Rehearsals are normally daytime but during production week we have to be in the venue doing proper run throughs so we need to be in the actual theatre space at night. I think you will find that is standard procedure in theatre! Clear now?

OP posts:
Original poster
ThespianTendencies · 23/04/2019 23:38

mooncuplanding I disagree that I should 'get over it'. why should anyone tolerate poor care of their child?!

OP posts:
Original poster
ThespianTendencies · 23/04/2019 23:40

Jamieson90 My point exactly! thank you.

OP posts:
notapizzaeater · 23/04/2019 23:45

I'd not have been happy. Have you contingency for the future ?

AllTheFours44 · 23/04/2019 23:46

Has there been any contact with your niece since last night, OP? Had you originally planned to leave your DS with her tonight rather than your DM?

Drum2018 · 23/04/2019 23:56

I wouldn't be happy with that either. I hope you reassess your childcare arrangements from now on as it's clear your son was uncomfortable at her house, and clear she didn't really seem bothered about him. I wouldn't be so quick to mind her kids.

Ihatehashtags · 24/04/2019 03:57

Yeah I’d be a bit annoyed. If I wanted to go to bed to watch TV I’d bring him upstairs and let him watch something on a laptop or he could watch with me. I’d never leave a child I was looking after downstairs by themselves.