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AIBU?

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Original poster

Could you stay friends with a sex offender? *potential trigger warning*

345 replies

Backinatic · 23/04/2019 10:53

Hypothetical scenario for you, which I've found myself in.

You make a friend and over a number of years become fairly close but they don't talk much about their past.

You then find out that this person was sent to prison for the rape of a woman some years before you knew them.

You had no idea they were that way inclined and now question your own judgement, understandably you look at them in a very different light.

Would you instantly go no contact and cut them off on the basis that they'd commited that crime? Would you tell them exactly why you no longer wanted to know them?

Or could you stay friends with somebody you knew was capable of such things even if they'd always been a good friend to you personally?

More of a WWYD really.

OP posts:
Waveysnail · 23/04/2019 13:28

I couldnt remain friends but who is this anonymous person contacting people about him?

DianaPrincessOfThemyscira · 23/04/2019 13:30

No I wouldn’t and couldn’t be friends with them anymore. If asked I would tell them why - I wouldn’t have done a few years ago though. I’m bolshier now.

My rapist served three years of a six year term so his must have been fucking diabolical to serve 9 years.

Eatmtcheese · 23/04/2019 13:35

Once a rapist always a rapist. Even if he didn’t rape again he has so he is.

No. I wouldn’t be friends with someone that violated another human being.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 23/04/2019 13:38

I work in healthcare with a lot of sex offenders ... All of us knew men who had done stuff, often just as bad, often in our own families, who had never even got a police interview let alone a conviction

I'm confused; if you knew of such horrible crimes within your own families, why wouldn't the offenders at least have been interviewed after a report was made?

dreichuplands · 23/04/2019 13:41

In terms of changing your name and moving I think the offence would be to not inform police/probation that you have done these things and not to declare your previous name of paperwork were it is required.

Pk37 · 23/04/2019 13:41

I was good friends with someone at school and once we had left for good he and his friends kidnapped a woman from a train station and raped her .
No I am not friends with him, if I ever saw him again I think I’d be physically sick . Does he need an explanation? Fuck no

AssassinatedBeauty · 23/04/2019 13:42

Probably because the report gets no-crimed or just simply not investigated.

AssassinatedBeauty · 23/04/2019 13:42

that's in response to @Puzzledandpissedoff

RomanyQueen1 · 23/04/2019 13:46

No, I don't know how anybody could tbh.

Valanice1989 · 23/04/2019 13:50

This genuinely isn't intended as a dig at any posters here, but I feel that some of the responses demonstrate the way that women are socialised to be lenient and forgiving in a way that men aren't.

Imagine if someone asked a group of men, "Would you be friends with a woman who accused a man of rape, ruined his life, let him go to prison, and then admitted that she'd made the whole thing up?" I think the answer would be a universal NO. I really don't think there would be any replies about how everyone deserves a second chance, or concern that this woman won't be rehabilitated if she's ostracised by society.

XiCi · 23/04/2019 13:54

If the details are about someone with a different name how can you know it's your friend?

If it is him I definitely wouldn't confront, you don't know how dangerous he could be to you and your family. I'd just cease all contact.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 23/04/2019 13:54

Probably because the report gets no-crimed or just simply not investigated

Surely not if the assaults were serious enough, AssassinatedBeauty?

Of course it may be that the PP works only with extremely low level offenders, but the description of things "just as bad" within the family suggested otherwise

HollowTalk · 23/04/2019 13:55

Aggravating circumstances? Do you mean kidnapping or using a weapon? This is sounding worse and worse.

IamPickleRick · 23/04/2019 13:57

I assumed it meant vulnerable person. Sad

How anyone can ‘listen to his side’ and consider that it is even worth consideration is beyond me. His side is that he raped someone and will have an excuse for it.

AnnaMagnani · 23/04/2019 13:57

Think hard @Puzzledandpissedoff - how many families have a dodgy uncle? Or the guy who used to put his hand down people's trunks at swimming? Or the teacher who had relationships with pupils at school in the 70s. Or the sports coach no-one wanted to be alone with?

When we had this conversation at work, every single woman had a story - and that's the stories they were prepared to share with work colleagues. Lots of us hadn't even recognised things as abuse at the time eg 'there was this guy who hung out at the swimming pool, all the kids knew him and he'd give you 10p if you put your hand in his pocket'

Not everyone wants to report things to the police either. Totally their choice. Or if they do it gets no crimed. I know of 3 friends and family members who were abused as children and none of them ever reported it to the police. Their abusers got to live out their lives as respected pillars of community.

AssassinatedBeauty · 23/04/2019 13:58

In an ideal world where the police are perfect, and fully resourced, then perhaps.

But, apparently as many as 20% of rape reports are no-crimed in some police areas.

And surely a report of rape is serious on its own? What is a non-serious rape?

Valanice1989 · 23/04/2019 13:59

Another thing to add to my post - in the scenario I mentioned above, I don't think men would say, "Well, it depends on the circumstances, and I'd want to know if she was remorseful..." It would be a blanket NO.

Bellasorellaa · 23/04/2019 13:59

rape is a crime that there is 0 excuse for
i couldnt be around this person

Stompythedinosaur · 23/04/2019 13:59

I would cut off contact in this situation. I couldn't be friends with someone who had done this.

anitagreen · 23/04/2019 14:01

No I couldn't I had a friend who had beaten up all his exes, his partners basically lots of females soon as I found out I cut him off, however he never ever touched me and it freaked me out for a long time on why he didn't not that I wanted him too, I just didn't understand. Vile creature

Damntheman · 23/04/2019 14:02

In the circumstances you describe? Absolutely not. There is no way I would ever speak to that man again and I would be distancing myself immediately. Nine years!! That is serious, probably violent stuff. Be very careful OP. I'm a confrontational kind of person but even I would think twice about confronting him with what I'd found out. How horrifying!

I found out a few years back that a long-term friend of mine had been emotionally and mentally abusing his girlfriend. I was shocked! He seemed so charismatic and loving, but there it was. I cut him out immediately, I will not tolerate this kind of behaviour and I will not have my children see me tolerate it either. His ex is now a good friend of mine and I'm glad I listened, believed and supported her.

Isitweekendyet · 23/04/2019 14:05

The fact that you have been contacted anonymously would lead me to think someone is watching out for you who does know.

You may fit his MO, he may have made comments about you, he may target your children, who knows but someone saw fit to reach out to warn you.

He had raped before he will do again, text him to say you have found out about his previous convictions and you want no further contact and then block his number. If he tries to contact you then call the police.

Belenus · 23/04/2019 14:10

I wouldn’t knowningly be friends with a rapist. I probably am though. Likelihood is I’ll never know, which is disturbing but true.

I agree with this. When you think of the number of women who are raped, you then have to think about the number of men who are rapists. So I wouldn't beat yourself up for not knowing OP. It sounds as if this man is a skilled manipulator.

For that reason, I wouldn't bother finding out if he's remorseful. I think you absolutely have to protect yourself and those you care about. Quietly drop the contact, keep him out of your life.

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 23/04/2019 14:13

No, I couldn't. As a former rape victim myself I would never put myself in the orbit of a known sex offender. But the post by YetAnotherSurvivor has resonated with me. I'm in a similar position: abused by my father, raped by two older boys when I was 15, and endured countless occasions of assault, one of serious sexual harrassment and two of stalking. And I'm aware of the irony in that more than twice sounds like carelessness, but as I discovered in therapy those of us who were abused in childhood tend to 'attract' abuse later in life.

These stories sound excessive, but sadly they're by no means uncommon, as #MeToo made shockingly clear. I do hold with the distinction between evil sexual predators and good men as distinct groups of people, but have unfortunately learned that there are an awful lot of abusers out there, and that most remain unreported and unconvicted. And a lot of them are extremely charming on the surface. As YetAnotherSurvivor points out, it's their prevalence that is so disturbing.

I'm sorry this happened to you OP. You've made the right decision.

Lizzie48 · 23/04/2019 14:20

No, I definitely couldn’t. I was a victim of SA as a child, which included rape, right through my childhood, and my DSis was too. One of the perpetrators was our F and he was someone that people admired and certainly wouldn’t have suspected his dark secret. My DM didn’t know and you can imagine her horror when we told her a few years ago (the memories had been repressed for years).

You shouldn’t feel stupid for not knowing, why would you? These men are very adept at hiding their secret.

Rape destroys lives. So for that reason, it’s not something that I could ever get past if someone I knew was guilty of it.

I’m really sorry, OP, it must have really been a shock. Flowers