Wanting to tell my step daughter never to come back here!!

[Ordinarymamma]

So, I've been married for 25 years and my DH has got 3 children from a previous relationship. Obviously these are now adults and I've been part of their lives since they were young. The eldest daughter of them is 35. She is the one I have a problem with. She has always been similar to her mum, my DH ex. Moody, grumpy, lazy and over weight. Severely over weight. Her house is very messy. None of that is my problem and I have never really spoke to her about that. In the past, when she's mentioned that things are getting difficult for her, I've offered to come and help her with the house work. I'm a very house proud person and I do expect everyone to take their shoes off when they come to my house. I've know this girl since she was a little child and yet I still have to ask her, and her children, every time they come here. I have to ask her to tell her children to stop jumping on my furniture, I would never allow my children to do that so why would I let others do it? So anyway today, for Easter, we had all his children and grand children, and our children of course, here for Easter dinner. She always walks in with a grumpy attitude. The mood changes as soon as she arrives. She never asks can she help with anything, she just sits there and if she talks, she moans. This is how she always is. She won't even look at me and although I'm the person that has made all the food, made the cake, bought her children Easter eggs, she won't even say thanks or goodbye to me. Totally ignores me and jus says thanks and bye to her dad. Same with her children, she doesn't make sure they say thanks or bye so they don't. I said to my husband after she left that she doesn't need to bother coming next time, she just drains the energy out of everyone. What should I do?? It is my husbands daughter after all but surely this is a ridiculous situation?

[Ihatehashtags]

You are being a bitch. You’re clearly a fattest and equate being overweight with being lazy. You are so naive and judgemental. I feel sorry for her not you.

[1forAll74]

I would not be bothered about a fat person,step daughter or whoever, but I would be annoyed with a person who has undesirable characteristics,as this stepdaughter seems to have. People ought to behave properly when they visit someone else's house, or don't get invited again.

[Downunderduchess]

I'm overweight, I have a tidy, clean house and am very well behaved when I go to someone's house. Maybe the problem is influenced by something other than her weight or the way she keeps her house? Idk??

[user1457017537]

She’s coming for family occasions just to ruin them for you. I totally get what you mean that she can kill the atmosphere and make everyone on edge. Please don’t react to her. You cannot control her moods but you can stop yourself from reacting to her. However in your situation I would not have her or her children round my home again. I wouldn’t give her any more chances. I would be done with her. Tell your DH he will have to take her to a restaurant or visit her on his own. No one can say you haven’t tried you don’t deserve to keep being treated like this by her.

[malificent7]

Right...so you think she's fat. Lovely.

[malificent7]

Fwiw i dont think guests should have to help. When i have visitors i am keen to run around after them. They adk to help and i say no...even family. As they are guests. Ok she is rude...but she can sense your dislike. As for the gc...tell them off! Or get your husband to tell them off.
Step families are tough...i have a lovely step mum but it does grate that my dad wasnt happier with my late mum...i am polite to her but she can be rude to me so i defend myself.

[OhTheRoses]

Shocked at the people saying the op should refer to her stepdaughter's children as her grandchildren.

As a stepdaughter I'd have found it extremely offensive if my stepfather had referred to our children as his grandchildren. They are not, they were and always will be my father's grandchildren.

[youknowmedontyou]

Carol cool, so as a stepmother I should be putting up with all kinds of shit? Don't think so somehow. If that's what a stepmother does, yeah I must be the worst one going.

As a step daughter does she have to put up with your judgements? You sound absolutely awful!

You're very house proud, sone house proud people are very irritating and unwelcoming.

And again what does her father say about this, is he fed up with clearing up after her? Or dies the house proud you hover over her tutting and clearing every 5 minutes?

[PrincessTiggerlily]

Probably she has been let down by her DM and her DF - but when the opportunity arises for her to be unpleasant to you she takes it. Sounds like she is allowing her disappointment in life to spread to her unwitting DCs.
Not sure what you can do OP. IT will be a huge task to really help her turn round her life and the support needs to come from her DM and possibly also her DF. But you could try - does she have a good relationship with her siblings?
Discuss things with DH. You could try saying that she seems unhappy - can you help by having her DCs so she gets a break. Though she will probably take offence.

[swingofthings]

Why are you still schoked and annoyed at behaviour that she has desplayed for years? You know how she and her children are so why are you still expecting her to be different to what she is? You're not cooking dinner or have her in your house for her, you are doing it for your husband because unlike you, he is less judgemental of his DD.

She sounds like an unhappy lady lacking confidence and self esteem. Maybe seeing you, someone happy, confident and house proud, ie. what she'll consider perfect highlights her inadequacies. Maybe it hurts to be there but she does it for her dad.

Just stop expecting anything from her, she's not going to change and if she does, it won't through you're doing or for your benefit. Grit your teeth and do it for your OH. Many wives do the same with their MIL.

[differentnameforthis]

@bloomingrose83 You either know the op, or are the op.

If not, then you signed up to post insulting remarks about someone you do not know, based off what someone wrote.

Either way, you are rude to call anyone a slob.

[amandacarnet]

so as a stepmother I should be putting up with all kinds of shit? Don't think so somehow. If that's what a stepmother does, yeah I must be the worst one going

What would you be doing OP if this was your Daughter? You have been in this child's life since they were 10, so you have been in a parental role. Because the above statement sounds as if you are talking about an acquaintance. Parents don't put up with shit from adult kids, but they don't just insult their kids and walk away either.

[differentnameforthis]

So they've improved from this time last year then. Good point well made. Last yr they all behaved like this, now it's just the "fat lazy" one.

[OhTheRoses]

May I just say that despite my sf arriving on the scene when I was 17, and I am 58 now, and despite the fact that he is good to my mother and generally amiable and has been fun with my dc and has cared abput them, although he is a gold digger he is not my father. We are extremely polite to each other but he is my stepfather and there is no bond.

[Napqueen1234]

OP you’re getting a lot of flack for trying to set the scene of your relationship and I think people’s own feelings re:weight and messiness are coming into it a bit too much. I would speak to your partner and ask him to have a word. Alternatively maybe invite her for Sunday dinner or similar but ask her to bring pudding/a salad/contribute in some way? Involve her and maybe just say ‘it’s a lot to cater for such a big family I’d really appreciate the help’

[Springwalk]

I would stop all the hosting and effort if you feel she is ungrateful and rude. Tell your dh if he wishes to host then the job is all his from now on. Make plans for Easter and Christmas, and don’t involve her any longer.
It’s up your dh to put the effort into his relationship with his dd. Why should it be down to you?
My guess is he won’t bother, so your problem is solved. Stop inviting people into your life that are rude to you. Your sd is old enough now to be civil and polite to all of you.
This problem is easier to fix than you think.

[amandacarnet]

Oh the roses there is a big difference between 17 and 10 years old.

[ALannisterInDebt]

Your DH needs to have a word with her, if she is rude to you in your home then she is no longer welcome to visit.

I don't know why her weight has anything to do with your post? If your intense dislike for her comes through in person as it does in your OP then she'll know how much you hate her.

[bert3400]

I feel for the OP. She has tried to explain the situation in a safe environment on this forum and so many vipers are attacking her and not offering any advice. As someone with a family member who acts similar, I understand your frustration OP. I have lowered my hosting events due to my family member acting in a similar way to your SD .....it's so demoralising and upsetting when you make a great effort and it get thrown back in your face . I would limit contact . Speak to your DH and explain why you know longer want her visiting.

[amandacarnet]

Bert, the issue though is that the ops negative feelings are very obvious. If the post had been about - my adult sd who when she comes over does x, y ands. The responses would have been very different.

[Cheby]

Your post is extremely unpleasant OP. Extremely.

[PrincessTiggerlily]

The OP has spent 25 years trying to be a good step mother (whatever that is - prob different to each person so she can only do her best). After 25 years she is allowed to be pissed off imv. The Sd is 35 - can't she speak up and ask her DF to visit her on his own occasionally if that is the issue, or say she doesn't want to come or act like an adult in some way rather than a spoilt teen.
DSD can do as she wants as an individual but she has DCs and teaching them rude and unpleasant behaviour because of HER issues is a nono imv.

[Dana28]

I was very overweight and permanently knackered until I got my thyroid sorted and then the excess weight disappeared by itself.her house and her weight have zero relevance you sound mean. Zhyou married her dad and dragged her into your life. She had no choice in the matter

[Pk37]

Her weight has nothing to do with this , you sound extremely judgemental and she probably picks up on that .
If you don’t want her in the house that’s fine, it’s your house but you have no right to pass judgement on her appearance or her own home

[Claw01]

Another question that has been asked is don't I see her children as my gran kids? No I don't. I never see them. The only time we hear from them or see them is if we invite them over

It is really that big of an issue if you rarely see them?