Wanting to tell my step daughter never to come back here!!

[Ordinarymamma]

So, I've been married for 25 years and my DH has got 3 children from a previous relationship. Obviously these are now adults and I've been part of their lives since they were young. The eldest daughter of them is 35. She is the one I have a problem with. She has always been similar to her mum, my DH ex. Moody, grumpy, lazy and over weight. Severely over weight. Her house is very messy. None of that is my problem and I have never really spoke to her about that. In the past, when she's mentioned that things are getting difficult for her, I've offered to come and help her with the house work. I'm a very house proud person and I do expect everyone to take their shoes off when they come to my house. I've know this girl since she was a little child and yet I still have to ask her, and her children, every time they come here. I have to ask her to tell her children to stop jumping on my furniture, I would never allow my children to do that so why would I let others do it? So anyway today, for Easter, we had all his children and grand children, and our children of course, here for Easter dinner. She always walks in with a grumpy attitude. The mood changes as soon as she arrives. She never asks can she help with anything, she just sits there and if she talks, she moans. This is how she always is. She won't even look at me and although I'm the person that has made all the food, made the cake, bought her children Easter eggs, she won't even say thanks or goodbye to me. Totally ignores me and jus says thanks and bye to her dad. Same with her children, she doesn't make sure they say thanks or bye so they don't. I said to my husband after she left that she doesn't need to bother coming next time, she just drains the energy out of everyone. What should I do?? It is my husbands daughter after all but surely this is a ridiculous situation?

[sparklytwinklyfairylights]

Id be pissed off if someone was rude like that in my house, normally I'd say her dad should be having a word but I think after 25 years you'd be well within your right to pull her up on this.

That said, I think your probably getting a bit of a rough time on this thread due to the weigh, laziness and like her mother comments. None of these were necessary

[Lizzie48]

OP, the mistake you made was saying she was overweight like her mother, your DH’s ex. In what way could that be relevant? It came across as bitchy, and on AIBU you need to win posters over, because they are often very inclined to see stepmums in the worst possible light.

It’s often other stepmums who are the harshest critics as well, because they have worked so hard to build a relationship with their DH’s DC. My DSis is a very devoted stepmum, who loves the bones of her DSS, now 21 with 2 DC of his own, who my DSis considers as grandkids despite not seeing them as they’re an army family now. (She also has 3 DC of her own, but she has always loved her DSS just as much. (She was his primary carer when he was a teen and that wasn’t always plain sailing!)

I don’t doubt that this lady is rude and difficult to have in your home. But she must be aware of how much you dislike her. And the comparison with her mum was just so nasty, if you’re thinking that, then your contempt for her will be obvious to her.

If you really can’t cope with her, then you should maybe find other things to do when she’s there with her DC.

[justarandomtricycle]

Adult step children have a certain responsibility to behave respectfully towards their parents' choice of partner.

A responsibility? Why?

[SoupDragon]

I get on great with the other step children

So they've improved from this time last year then.

[Lizzie48]

The descriptions could indeed be completely accurate. The OP shot herself in the foot by adding ‘like her mother, my DH’s ex’. There was no need for that at all, it put people’s backs up.

I also wonder if maybe this lady is depressed or has some other MH condition? Her siblings are concerned about her. Someone maybe ought to make sure she’s coping okay with her DC? Not just to slag her off on Mumsnet.

I have a DB who is extremely messy and incapable of functioning independently, with serious MH issues. Thankfully he has no DC.

[wigglesniggles]

I don't know, there are some basic things like turning up with a gift, offering to help. I expect she picks up on your disapproval to be fair.

I assume she has always been like this and you have chosen to say nothing in the past, now that there are kids too it is starting to feel overwhelming.

I would probably pull her to one side and have a quiet word about how upset you feel that she turns up and doesn't contribute or say thanks, bye etc. when you are putting all the effort in to bring the family together.

Don't shut up and put up - resentment only leads to health problems in later life, why should you carry it?

[Lizzie48]

To be honest, not everyone wants help from guests. I don’t, it usually stresses me out as I don’t like having people under my feet and having to think of appropriate tasks to give them.

Seeing as you have a difficult relationship with this lady, maybe she doesn’t want to have her head bitten off for being in the way? If you want her help, then you’ll need to have an adult conversation with her about it. (For example you could ask her to lay the table/load the dishwasher.)

[CordeliaWyndamPryce]

why on earth would I be telling her children off all the time?

Well you've found numerous faults in her children in this one afternoon. To you it's normal house rules - jumping on furniture, shoes off, please/thank you. But to her - you see the kids rarely but nit pick over stuff that isn't really important. She's not going to choose to leave her kids with you because you don't like their behaviour so she will assume you'll tell them off.

[kumbyeaaaaah]

I really can't believe the PP who are sticking up for the frankly vile step daughter with no manners and who think OP is rude for bringing up her weight/laziness - she's sits and is happy to be waited on without contributing anything and allows her children to abuse OP's furniture.

She's absolutely to blame here - OP has done everything she could to include her - unfortunately she's a fat, lazy slob who expects people to run round after her with no manners.

But yeah, lets focus on the obese, lazy, skanky daughter who has an obviously hideous evil SM rather than the totally unreasonable SD. Pfft.

[Twillow]

Wow, some people on here have been seriously triggered by the use of the words lazy and overweight in the same sentence! They don't necessarily go together but in this case it seems to me the OP is merely describing the way the stepdaughter is. And op done very well not to flare up accordingly imo...
There's usually one member of a family that doesn't pull their weight (no pun intended) and is a bit of a buzzkill. Not necessarily anything to do with stepfamily dynamics. No idea how to help though sorry.

[MillyMollyMandie]

OP, you're style of writing doesn't tally with that of someone supposed to have been married for 25 years. You come across as much younger, amongst other things.

[expat101]

Going from observations of others in similar patterns in my life, this is a summary of ideas of what I think may be going on:

1. Bio Mother running a poisoning campaign to her adult children about their Dad moving on etc, and eldest Daughter is the one to wear the brunt of her mother's jealousy and angst and it's worn her down.

1. Your step Daughter is downright rude and lazy and her kids will be no better. Never going to change regardless of who Dad is with.

1. Your step Daughter clearly doesn't want to be at your house either but is coming along for Dad's sake, thus why she is making minimal effort. Her effort has been used up just to manage to get to yours.

1. You have done something to offend/upset her or the children.

So where to from here. From your posts, I can't recall if Dad has spoken to his Daughter alone with time to talk properly. This would be my first suggestion, get it out in the open and find out what is going on.

Secondly, if that doesn't work, remove the problem from your shared home and plan the catch ups all together over a picnic at a park midway between yours and hers, or a cafe or where ever is neutral ground, easy for all to get to. That takes away the ''personal'' from the situation because it's not happening at home where you should feel at your most comfortable.

Finally, good luck. It may not be solvable, some people you cannot change or work out where their problem is with you in life. How does the serenity pray go?

[Schuyler]

I don’t know what her weight has to do with any of this, nor do I know why the cleanliness of her own home has an impact on you? She does sound rude but so do you. 🤷🏻‍♀️

[Schuyler]

AlexaAmbidextra
”S like a lot of these responses are from bitter first wives OP.”

Ah the old ‘bitter first wives’ line. I’m actually the satisfied second wife but I tend not to slag off my step DD. She is a teenager and far from perfect but neither am I. If I posted about her messy room, I wouldn’t comment on her 28 tattoos and make constant derogatory comments about her. As it happens, she has no tattoos but she does have a very messy room. We have our ups and downs but when we have the downs, and even when she behaves badly, I manage to avoid making lists of her personality flaws and also avoid commenting on her physical appearance in a derogatory way.

[GabsAlot]

she sounds bratty and rude-doesnt matter what u think of someone u say please and thankyou in their home basic manners

if her siblings think the same as you then youve done nothing wrong its her and whatever is going on in her head

[Dana28]

The lack of emotional intelligence of people on Mumsnet never fails to astound! You really don't know why she doesn't like you? You're ok reekz of condescension. If we can all pick that up from one paragraph how do you think she feels?

[Dana28]

'op reeks'

[OwnerOfThatChocolateBar]

Sorry but overweight does tend to ring lazy to me. Lazy usually ends up with being overweight

[LilQueenie]

What is being over weight got to do with it. She is likely well aware you don't like her and never have. Why should she fake it now to please you.

[Lizzie48]

Sorry that’s just so sneery and unpleasant, OwnerOfThatChocolateBar.

I’m overweight, I’ve been overweight since being a child. I suppose some overweight people are lazy, maybe the stepdaughter is lazy (we don’t know).

I’ve always struggled with my weight from when I was a child. I also suffered SA as a child at the hands of my F and others. This has led to low self esteem and the result of that is I’ve been a yo-yo dieter for years.

I have complex PTSD and I’m on anti-depressants.

But I’m also an adoptive mum to 2 lovely DDs of 10 and 7. DD1 has a lot of needs - attachment issues and also hearing and sight loss. I’ve borne the brunt of her anger over the years, snd it’s been really hard at times.

So enough of the judgement for being overweight, you have no idea.

We don’t know the OP’s SD. She might well be lazy and awkward, and have her problems (which she might need help with, especially with DC, as I said before). But judging her on her weight is very unkind - believe me, she knows that she’s overweight!

[Humpy84]

I think you should stop being so nice and let go of the rope so to speak. If she barely talks to you then stop making so much of an effort.

It sounds like there is not a great deal of affection between the two of you. Perhaps the kindest thing you could do would be to leave your husband and step children to enjoy part of the holidays or a lunch on their own without you. This might be a nice way of just letting them go and letting them spend time together without the friction. You can always come home early to say hi and have a quick drink but just let them do their thing.

You could try catching up with her one on one but it sounds as though she resents you and may be holding onto that little girl within her that sees you as her Mums replacement.

She sounds a bit feral and like you wouldn’t get far with her anyway. Not feral because she’s lazy or bigger, just her general attitude and manners. People like that just simmer passive aggressiveness and it’s out of them. There is just a general lack of respect. I would either work on the relationship one on one or stop prioritising it. Think about your husbands happiness and relationship with his children and out of love for him, just take a step back. If this doesn’t work for you then talk to your husband about how it’s disrespectful and upsets you, he should be helping to set the standard. Otherwise try a one on one catchup.

After years of not seeing eye to eye with my sil and mil I just rarely see them. It’s too upsetting and the veiled judgments and insults never went away. There was always an unmistakable feeling that I didn’t fit in and wasn’t good enough. I sent my little boy and husband to their holidays house over Easter. Everyone had a great time and I had a few days of peace, relaxation and reflection and a much needed break. I believe that Easter should be spent with family but only within reason. If you’re basically ignored for the whole occasion then that’s unacceptable and not ok. That’s not a family and it’s not bringing you warmth or love. It’s left you feeling the opposite. Life is too short for that.

[SandyY2K]

YANBU to expect common courtesy.

YABU to compare her to her mum and slag her off for being overweight and having an untidy home.

She could be a size 8, tidy, impolite and still have DC who jump on the furniture.

You need to focus on the issue.

Have you considered that she may be suffering from depression with being overweight.

[Humpy84]

The op thinks that she is lazy and fat.

Have you never had a negative thought about anyone ?


Nobody here knows op or ops SD so these shared thoughts are private and kind of the point of mn.

I guess op there are a lot of hard working Mums who carry extra eight including myself and it’s a sensitive thing. I know you’re not being offensive though against every overweight woman.

[KC225]

Has she always been like this OP? Could be be depressed or in a rut? But I know that doesn't excuse the rudeness? What does your DH make of this? Why isn't he asking what is going on? Why is she is treating you like this? It's odd - if she disliked you so much wouldn't she refuse to come over but ask her Father to visit her. He should be having a word with her and trying to get to the bottom of it.