Wanting to tell my step daughter never to come back here!!

[Ordinarymamma]

So, I've been married for 25 years and my DH has got 3 children from a previous relationship. Obviously these are now adults and I've been part of their lives since they were young. The eldest daughter of them is 35. She is the one I have a problem with. She has always been similar to her mum, my DH ex. Moody, grumpy, lazy and over weight. Severely over weight. Her house is very messy. None of that is my problem and I have never really spoke to her about that. In the past, when she's mentioned that things are getting difficult for her, I've offered to come and help her with the house work. I'm a very house proud person and I do expect everyone to take their shoes off when they come to my house. I've know this girl since she was a little child and yet I still have to ask her, and her children, every time they come here. I have to ask her to tell her children to stop jumping on my furniture, I would never allow my children to do that so why would I let others do it? So anyway today, for Easter, we had all his children and grand children, and our children of course, here for Easter dinner. She always walks in with a grumpy attitude. The mood changes as soon as she arrives. She never asks can she help with anything, she just sits there and if she talks, she moans. This is how she always is. She won't even look at me and although I'm the person that has made all the food, made the cake, bought her children Easter eggs, she won't even say thanks or goodbye to me. Totally ignores me and jus says thanks and bye to her dad. Same with her children, she doesn't make sure they say thanks or bye so they don't. I said to my husband after she left that she doesn't need to bother coming next time, she just drains the energy out of everyone. What should I do?? It is my husbands daughter after all but surely this is a ridiculous situation?

[lilabet2]

The eldest daughter of them is 35. She is the one I have a problem with. This made me wonder whether you've always had a problem with her? Did you get on well with her when she was just a little 10 year old?

She has always been similar to her mum, my DH ex. Moody, grumpy, lazy and over weight. This suggests that you have always had a problem with because she has 'always' been like her Mum (who you naturally dislike).

None of that is my problem and I have never really spoke to her about that. She'll be able to tell from your body language and attitude towards her.

In the past, when she's mentioned that things are getting difficult for her, I've offered to come and help her with the house work. Were things difficult for her emotionally or in other ways? Perhaps the support she needed was friendship rather than a cleaner?

I have to ask her to tell her children to stop jumping on my furniture, I would never allow my children to do that so why would I let others do it? This is obviously disrespectful of them- perhaps ensure that they feel loved and appreciated and then let them know that these are the house rules. Your step-daughter is not allowed to tell them otherwise.

Of course she should say thank you to you for hosting, providing a lovely meal and Easter Eggs however it does sound like there is a lot of historical background to this.

Try to build up your relationship with your DH's daughter because she will always be in your life and cannot just be cut out.

[LittlePaintBox]

She sounds as if she could be depressed - that can make you unresponsive to other people.

Not sure what you meant by

From the people who only noticed that yes I do think she is overweight and lazy, please don't give me that kind of advice.

You've asked if you're BU, some people think your attitude to your SD is making you unreasonable.

[IvanaPee]

What has improved with the rest of them, OP? Because last year you hated them all...

[Raspberrytruffle]

I think she ignores you because she knows you dont like her, I'd be the same. Just reading your post I can see the divide it's her children our children, very sad.

[PrincessTiggerlily]

I would say you wrote in anger/ end of tether / last straw.
I think you need a calm measuring of the future. Stop playing happy families, we all do it , try to give them all happy times together. But for the DSD it's an opportunity to behave selfishly.
In future go to less trouble and also go outside the home. Less irritating for you if things get sour. Maybe hire a hall or meet in a park for a picnic. Tell DCs what you and DH are doing and hope they come along. So no direct invites thatcan be snubbed.
If there are siblings it's difficult to exclude one . Or hand all the arrangements to DH- see what he comes up with.

[thiscannotbenormal]

By the way, I am lazy and not overweight :)

[thiscannotbenormal]

I think the issue around weight is because the OP highlighted that initially, as though it were the main "problem" :

The eldest daughter of them is 35. She is the one I have a problem with. She has always been similar to her mum, my DH ex. Moody, grumpy, lazy and over weight. Severely over weight. Her house is very messy. None of that is my problem and I have never really spoke to her about that.

The issue seems more around attitudes in your home so why not highlight that rather than the weight and messy home?

[SinjunRivers]

Stop organising stuff and let your dh do it.
I think she knows you don't like her and she doesn't like you either.

[SandyY2K]

I don't think the OP needs to see the stepgrandchildren as hers, because they aren't. They are her DHs GC.

OP.... you could have and should have written your post without mentioning her weight, comparing her to her mum or the state of her house. You just came across as nasty for saying that... and it looks like you hate her DM too. You sounded really venomous in your description of her. Her mum has nothing to do with this situation. She's your DHs Ex...why did you feel the need to bring her into this?

Mentioning the above is why you're getting a hard time. You must know weight is a very sensitive issue and attributing it to laziness will never go down well.

As independent posters, ppl are drawing the conclusion, that if you come across like this about her (with hatred towards her), then you're bound to show that in person in some way or other.

If I knew someone who is as you describe your SD... like I said earlier, I'd be leaning to think she has something going on.

You don't mention her having a DP/DH... that could be an issue. Being a single parent is difficult for some people.

She may be struggling with controlling and disciplining her DC..hence they think jumping on furniture is acceptable behaviour.

She could have mental health issues, causing her to be moody.

Most ppl would have stopped to think something else is going on.



The issues were her rudeness, her DC jumping on furniture and her general moodiness. That's what you should have focused on.

I also don't think you should expect a guest to offer to help you in the kitchen...you invited her...she probably wants a break.

She has a father and siblings... in most normal loving families, one or both of these relatives would show concern about her moodiness and try and find out what is going on. I know if I presented in such a way, my family members would be very concerned about me.

[juneau]

Stepmothers always get SUCH a hard time in MN. OP if you know this site then you'll also know that stepmothers are expected to be saints who put up with anything and everything from the sainted and hard done by step-children, allow themselves to be ignored and insulted in their own homes and are expected to suck it all up with a smile on their faces.

FWIW, your step-daughter sounds vile and if you'd written 'my niece' instead of 'my step-daughter' in this thread then I know you'd have got very different advice. This 35-year-old woman is rude and lazy and allows her DC to disrespect your home when she's well aware what the rules are. Does your DH enjoy spending time with his miserable, entitled DD? If so, I agree with the poster on page 1 who said meet in a restaurant or a pub or something. No way would I run around serving such an ungrateful, miserable cow in my own home. I wouldn't care who they were, I wouldn't be putting myself out. And as for going round and tidying her tip of a house, I'd leave her to it in future.

[Frequency]

I'm overweight because I don't have time to prepare meals. I eat whatever I can buy at the shop thats on offer and will microwave in less than 5 minutes on my break at work or whatever crap the college canteen is serving. I don't eat at home because I am rarely at home except to sleep.

I'm also overweight because I work shifts including nights and rarely have more than 5 or 6 hours sleep per 24 hours. Studies have proven chronic sleep deprivation is linked to obesity. It's something to with sleep regulating the production of ghrelin. I'm constantly hungry and knackered. If I have more than an hours gap in my schedule I either eat, sleep or shower depending where I am.

[HarrysOwl]

@OwnerOfThatChocolateBar

Sorry but overweight does tend to ring lazy to me. Lazy usually ends up with being overweight

That's a horrible thing to think and believe. Are you really that naive to think weight issues are purely down to how active you are?

My friend used to be overweight because she had emotional eating issues after being raped. She's a nurse, and the most hard working and least lazy person you could meet.

After counselling she's lost 6 stone and is a size 10 again. But thanks for your judgemental discrimination. How lovely.

[Poppyputthekettleon]

She is acting like this because she thinks she can get away with it. Many people have the tendency to revert to moody teenager when they visit the parental home beaucause there are issues and angers they haven't addressed. You can't help her address these but you can make it clear to her that her behavior is not on, either by asking her to meet and telling her in a non confrontational way the effect her behaviour has on you (and only you, don't bring anyone else into it) give her the chance to talk about how she feels, she may not be able to talk about it but at least you will have made her aware her behaviour has impact and is not acceptable.

[Claw01]

Is there any need to tell her never to come to your house again? if the only time they come, is the odd occasion when you invite them!

[Claw01]

Another question that has been asked is don't I see her children as my gran kids? No I don't. I never see them. The only time we hear from them or see them is if we invite them over

It is really that big of an issue if you rarely see them?

[Pk37]

Her weight has nothing to do with this , you sound extremely judgemental and she probably picks up on that .
If you don’t want her in the house that’s fine, it’s your house but you have no right to pass judgement on her appearance or her own home

[Dana28]

I was very overweight and permanently knackered until I got my thyroid sorted and then the excess weight disappeared by itself.her house and her weight have zero relevance you sound mean. Zhyou married her dad and dragged her into your life. She had no choice in the matter

[PrincessTiggerlily]

The OP has spent 25 years trying to be a good step mother (whatever that is - prob different to each person so she can only do her best). After 25 years she is allowed to be pissed off imv. The Sd is 35 - can't she speak up and ask her DF to visit her on his own occasionally if that is the issue, or say she doesn't want to come or act like an adult in some way rather than a spoilt teen.
DSD can do as she wants as an individual but she has DCs and teaching them rude and unpleasant behaviour because of HER issues is a nono imv.

[Cheby]

Your post is extremely unpleasant OP. Extremely.

[amandacarnet]

Bert, the issue though is that the ops negative feelings are very obvious. If the post had been about - my adult sd who when she comes over does x, y ands. The responses would have been very different.

[bert3400]

I feel for the OP. She has tried to explain the situation in a safe environment on this forum and so many vipers are attacking her and not offering any advice. As someone with a family member who acts similar, I understand your frustration OP. I have lowered my hosting events due to my family member acting in a similar way to your SD .....it's so demoralising and upsetting when you make a great effort and it get thrown back in your face . I would limit contact . Speak to your DH and explain why you know longer want her visiting.

[ALannisterInDebt]

Your DH needs to have a word with her, if she is rude to you in your home then she is no longer welcome to visit.

I don't know why her weight has anything to do with your post? If your intense dislike for her comes through in person as it does in your OP then she'll know how much you hate her.

[amandacarnet]

Oh the roses there is a big difference between 17 and 10 years old.

[Springwalk]

I would stop all the hosting and effort if you feel she is ungrateful and rude. Tell your dh if he wishes to host then the job is all his from now on. Make plans for Easter and Christmas, and don’t involve her any longer.
It’s up your dh to put the effort into his relationship with his dd. Why should it be down to you?
My guess is he won’t bother, so your problem is solved. Stop inviting people into your life that are rude to you. Your sd is old enough now to be civil and polite to all of you.
This problem is easier to fix than you think.

[Napqueen1234]

OP you’re getting a lot of flack for trying to set the scene of your relationship and I think people’s own feelings re:weight and messiness are coming into it a bit too much. I would speak to your partner and ask him to have a word. Alternatively maybe invite her for Sunday dinner or similar but ask her to bring pudding/a salad/contribute in some way? Involve her and maybe just say ‘it’s a lot to cater for such a big family I’d really appreciate the help’