Wanting to tell my step daughter never to come back here!!

[Ordinarymamma]

So, I've been married for 25 years and my DH has got 3 children from a previous relationship. Obviously these are now adults and I've been part of their lives since they were young. The eldest daughter of them is 35. She is the one I have a problem with. She has always been similar to her mum, my DH ex. Moody, grumpy, lazy and over weight. Severely over weight. Her house is very messy. None of that is my problem and I have never really spoke to her about that. In the past, when she's mentioned that things are getting difficult for her, I've offered to come and help her with the house work. I'm a very house proud person and I do expect everyone to take their shoes off when they come to my house. I've know this girl since she was a little child and yet I still have to ask her, and her children, every time they come here. I have to ask her to tell her children to stop jumping on my furniture, I would never allow my children to do that so why would I let others do it? So anyway today, for Easter, we had all his children and grand children, and our children of course, here for Easter dinner. She always walks in with a grumpy attitude. The mood changes as soon as she arrives. She never asks can she help with anything, she just sits there and if she talks, she moans. This is how she always is. She won't even look at me and although I'm the person that has made all the food, made the cake, bought her children Easter eggs, she won't even say thanks or goodbye to me. Totally ignores me and jus says thanks and bye to her dad. Same with her children, she doesn't make sure they say thanks or bye so they don't. I said to my husband after she left that she doesn't need to bother coming next time, she just drains the energy out of everyone. What should I do?? It is my husbands daughter after all but surely this is a ridiculous situation?

[ZippyBungleandGeorge]

@Ordinarymamma OP you made the grave error of identifying yourself as step mother and saying something other than your step child is made of puppies and unicorn tears. She's a 35 year old adult woman and whether she likes you or not she's in your home and could say thank you and parent her own children. If you'd flipped the roles and posted as a stepdaughter whose step mother comes round does nothing, ignores them completely, doesn't say please or thank you and lets their own offspring run wild and climb all over the furniture whilst maintaining similarly poor manners, you'd be told to go NC or give her a tinkly laugh and a harsh words or two.

[LadyDaenaera]

How often does she come to your home op?

If she comes infrequently, I think you should just suck it up tbh. She may behave in a surly way with everyone, or she may sense that you don't like her. Either way, if you don't have to put up with it often, who cares.

As an aside, she may be struggling with issues that you know nothing about : be kind.

And be honest, if it was your own dd behaving like this, would you be handling it differently?

[Whysoannoying]

Some people can't help being overweight, but moody, grumpy and lazy are pretty good reasons to judge someone. Esp the first two - they don't make for a pleasant houseguest, any more than the awful behaviours OP mentions in her post.

MN can get awfully critical on anyone daring to have an opinion on someone else, but I would feel the same and would tell my DH to have a word with his massively rude and thoughtless DD...!! If she can't show basic good manners and respect when she visits, then definitely don't be there whenever he invites her! She sounds awful!

[cadburyegg]

Your step daughter is rude for acting the way she does towards you, definitely.

But I wonder if she is like this because she senses you dislike her. As others have said your comments about her weight and housekeeping are irrelevant and nasty. You say you buy the food and Easter eggs, but you are married to her dad, right? So your money is joint. How old are her children? To be honest, if we go to family for dinner, only one of us (me or DH) will offer to help with the food because the other one will be supervising our 2 young (baby and preschool age) dc in what is often a non child proofed house!

So on balance YABU.

[HotChocolateLover]

She sounds like the older version of my step daughter. You have my sympathies. It’s hard being the SM bit tbh some people just have a bad attitude anyway. If you don’t want her over though that’s a tough one but it’s your house, you do have a say over visitors.

[Lellikelly26]

She should grow up and try to have a relationship with you. I didn’t get on with my mum’s partner when I was a teenager but now I’m in my 30s it’s slightly ridiculous if I hadn’t respected their relationship and him when I go to (what is actually my mother’s) but their house.
She sounds like she has a bad attitude all round and being overweight and messy is relevant as it shows she has little self discipline and isn’t in a good place. She sounds like bad company and I don’t think you have to tolerate her

[Frequency]

I'm overweight and my house is a mess. I can be 'miserable' and 'lazy' during social events. It's generally because between college, my fulltime job, my various part-time commitments I am bloody knackered. Although I appreciate my family trying to arrange big gatherings around my vanishingly rare days off I don't want to be there. If I have more than two or three hours off in one go I want to be in bed. I don't care how nice it is to see me, how much I deserve a treat or that it is my birthday/xmas/mother's day. I need to fucking sleep.

But because I am invited and things are specifically organised so I can go I feel obligated to attend. I try my best to smile, make small talk and not fall asleep in the pudding but if you ask me to clean anything or cook anything that I can't buy from the take-away on my way to your house I might spend the night wanting to stab you in the eye with a rusty spork.

[Ordinarymamma]

Sorry, I've been busy doing some ironing. I'm back now and I will answer the questions I've read. No I wasn't the other woman. No I'm not jealous of his ex. And I don't hate this girl. God I remember when she was younger and I had my first daughter. I was so worried she would feel left out. So I can remember going for a girlie lunch, just me and her and her baby sister in a pram with her. I can remember taking her to watch shows and when she was going through a rough patch with her husband, I was driving her around looking at potential new houses for her to rent. I think I was a good step mum. But something has changed massively. Maybe it is my fault? I am going to have a good look at myself and see if it's how I am with her. Another question that has been asked is don't I see her children as my gran kids? No I don't. I never see them. The only time we hear from them or see them is if we invite them over. So how can I see them as my grandkids when I have no relationship with them whatsoever?? I've asked if we can take them away for a weekend or if they can just stay at ours? No, is the answer. Shall we all go on holiday together? No again. Camping? No chance! Picnic in the park? We're busy she says then. But you're right, I will have a look at my own attitude

[Fowles94]

Shes an adult and as you have been patient and accommodating for 25 years I think it's time she grows up a little and helps out more. My mum would never let myself or step sisters act like this and if we did she would tell us.

[Pieceofpurplesky]

She doesn't like you and you don't like her. Just be civil when you have to meet.

[AlexaAmbidextra]

Christ, what a bashing OP’s getting. Because of course, the SD sounds like a charming person doesn’t she? Ffs.

Seems like a lot of these responses are from bitter first wives OP.

[Neome]

"Something has changed massively" reach for some compassion and, if you can afford and make good use of it, find a short term counsellor to figure out your appropriate boundaries and hurt feelings.

[ginswinger]

Adult step children have a certain responsibility to behave respectfully towards their parents' choice of partner. Assuming there are no serious issues, they should expect the same from the parent and is important to move forward into grown up relationships. I think the OP's DH needs to have a frank conversation with his DD and remind her that her behaviour is ungracious. She doesn't have to like the OP, althout she might find if she makes more of an effort, she will do, but when she is invited into the home, a certain level of courtesy is to be expected.

My DF married the OW when I was in my late teens. I didn't exactly love her but I have grown to respect her for the way she loved my DF, nursing him through cancer with compassion and humour.

[myrtleWilson]

She is not a "girl" and why bring the ex into the post at all.. let alone the stepdaughter's weight You are not much older than your SD are you OP - I would imagine it must have been hard for her growing up with a SM only 10 years older than her.

[Cherrysoup]

Overweight does not mean lazy. I can't believe that's still trotted out.

Actually, sometimes it does, you know. I am that fat lazy person cos I just cannot be arsed to exercise and I like chocolate. A lot.

Anyway, something is going on with this woman. She doesn’t sound as though she likes the OP and it might have to do with resentment from perceiving that the OP tried to take the place of her mum/broke up her family (even tho the OP wasn’t the OW). Who knows? I would just leave her to get on, OP. Don’t have her back if she is such a pita OR ask her what the fuck the problem is. Novel idea.

[CripsSandwiches]

Whenever there's a thread written by a step mum it seems any other response apart from "we agree with you 100% OP" is met with accusations of step mum bashing. I really don't think anyone cares whether OP is a step mum or not. Any thread which started with loads of irrelevant information about someone's weight or the tidiness of their house is going to get a bad reaction - being a step mum is nothing to do with it.

The step daughter does sound quite rude but why doesn't your husband address that? You for your part sound like you have nothing but disdain for her and not all of it is due to her behaviour to you (why on earth do you care she's fat and untidy?). It sounds fairly likely that she's picked up you don't like her (or her mum) and she's frosty to you as a result.

[HBStowe]

I'm actually a nice person

Being a nice person is proven by your actions, not what you say of yourself. The fact that you could resist making the snide comments isn’t a great start!

[HBStowe]

*couldn’t resist

[SoupDragon]

How are the other step children?

[CordeliaWyndamPryce]

Adult step children have a certain responsibility to behave respectfully towards their parents' choice of partner.

Mostly I agree with this. Regardless of what else is going on, when you are in someone else's home you say hello and goodbye, and thank them for gifts. If they are really hard work you just don't go. Going and being spectacularly rude isn't an option.

Equally tho, OP, you've made it very clear in your post what you actually think of her. I wouldn't blame her for completely cutting you out tbh. And of course she won't let you look after her kids - she probably thinks they'd be getting told off all the time. If she has even an inkling in to what you think about her weight and house she's probably only even turning up in an attempt to maintain some kind of relationship with her dad.

[Ordinarymamma]

I get on great with the other step children. They too ask why their sister is the way she is.

[Ordinarymamma]

Cordelia, why on earth would I be telling her children off all the time?? I think you have painted a picture of me that is very wrong.

[TheFormidableMrsC]

As far as I can see, she is responding to your clear dislike of her. You don't "have" to like her OP, but you did yourself a disservice in criticising her weight, her house and then comparing her to her mother who you clearly have an issue with. I wish I didn't have a step family and I wish my 8 year old son didn't have to deal with the utter bitch his father's girlfriend is. I'm 50 years old, it has been a disaster. Anybody who thinks that any of this is easy and all "happy blended families" is deluded. What you don't do is criticise.

[mazv1953]

Maybe "moody, grumpy, lazy, overweight" are accurate descriptions ...

[Ivgotasecretcanyoukeepit]

Actually from your posts you sound like a great supportive It is rather telling if the other step children are making comments about there sibling. I would ask your husband to speak to his daughter as at this point you’re dealing with a grown woman.