To worry that my children never see conflict. Ever

[Romax]

Two children 8&6.
Their father and I split amicably when they were very young and they have no recollection of us being together.

No third party. We get on very very well. We have lots of family of four days out, we eat out together at any hint of a celebration, we often come in for coffee and catch up when collecting the children. Yesterday we had a full day out at a local park, my youngest and I on picnic blanket, my ex and eldest playing football, then we picnic-ed. Bliss. Tomorrow we are doing a day long team activity, and ex’s sister joining us (who I don’t see often but get on very well with). The list goes on.

We have never ever argued in front of the children since the divorce. Ever.

Helped enormously by no money issues (ex very high earner and so I receive substantial maintenance plus I work part time in well paid role) and fact that there has never been a third party.

In the quiet of this morning before the children wake, I have been reflecting since our lovely day yesterday. My children do not ever see adults arguing and then making up and moving on. They literally have never seen this. And I see this as an important part of a child’s development. To see adults working through issues.

Nothing I can do (short of orchestrating arguments!) but any one else in similar boat? Or now have teens who grew up in a very harmonious divorced environment where they never saw adults arguing / bickering / indeed any tension at all.

"You seriously never even start to get frustrated with your partner even though they are stubborn? How is that possible unless you’re completely apathetic about stuff, or only engage at a superficial level?"

It's not possible is it? Presumably the emotions are pushed down/repressed, which is not healthy.

I remember reading a book about how certain subjects/feelings are taboo in some families. In some families, arguing, raising your voice, etc. are not allowed and this can cause serious problems in adulthood.

Good for you, that's great!

Surely you must have the low level conflicts that result from kids wanting to have things, later bed times, more and more sweets, an extra bit of time to do something when you need to leave the house immediately and they must argue between themselves....

Exactly... I’ve never experienced any family where there is zero arguments of this type, or anything even remotely close. It’s inconceivable there are no conflicts like this in a young family, however “perfect”.

It’s inconceivable there are no conflicts like this in a young family, however “perfect”

Actually, it is conceivable... But only in families where the children live in dread fear of their parents and constantly tread on egg-shells. And can only lead to repression of emotions and an inability to form normal relationships that’s extremely unhealthy.

Are you wondering why you should have argued more with your ex? Is it a sort of sadness that there was no passion or just no real or no real need to?
I do understand though my parents never argued and I always thought it was a bit souled and odd they never disagreed..Sometimes I would wonder if it was real love. Who knows..They are very close. I know that not arguing was a thing for them too.

Surely you must have the low level conflicts that result from kids wanting to have things, later bed times, more and more sweets, an extra bit of time to do something when you need to leave the house immediately and they must argue between themselves

Honestly never. And before I get accused of some stealth boast, it was just luck!

As to repressed because I didn’t argue with my then partner, neither of us were the arguing type. We were both incredibly laid back. I wouldn’t say it’s apathy just generally don’t see the point of getting irked by minutiae!

But only in families where the children live in dread fear of their parents and constantly tread on egg-shells

She really doesn’t. Personality wise she’s like me. I’m not naive to think there’ll be no conflict during the teen years (although I never argued with my parents) but up until 12 we’ve never even a cross word.

but up until 12 we’ve never even a cross word.

To never have even a cross word with your child up to age of 12? I’ve read many things on MN, but that’s one of most unusual and difficult to believe....I just can’t conceive of any family having literally zero conflict of any kind, even about bedtimes, until the age of 12...... but then we’re all different!

I’m no expert but I always assumed it’s because they walked very late and spoke/could read very early so always had great understanding.

As I also said I’m just very lucky. I certainly don’t think for a minute it’s anything to do with my parenting

Things may change a little if Apple and Moses end up with step families at some point.

....spoke/could read very early so always had great understanding

But intelligence doesn’t go hand in hand with the kind of characteristics that lead to conflict, such as independence, pushing boundaries and strong opinions.... often the reverse!

Did your child never push boundaries even a little?

But intelligence doesn’t go hand in hand with the kind of characteristics that lead to conflict, such as independence, pushing boundaries and strong opinions.... often the reverse!

That’s not what I meant. I more meant when I said “we need to go because x” or “it’s time for bed because y” she understood from being very small.

Did your child never push boundaries even a little?

How do you mean? As in asking if they could have a little more time which I think is important (and was always factored in!) or pushing back when I said no? If the latter then no, but then neither did I.

Perhaps a definitive response is impossible as I often don't argue if I feel it's a pointless exchange..

Another one wondering if your kids don't ever argue/disagree? At this age, how you help them manage conflict between themselves, discuss and make up will be far more relevant than watching adults argue over something irrelevant to them.

DH never experienced conflict whereas my life entire childhood was dominated by it because of the selfish fuckers I grew up with.

In conflict as adults, DH is calm and reasonable but can step things up when necessary. I plummet straight into panic, anger and sheer terror.

My kids are growing up without conflict and I wouldn't have it any other way.

or pushing back when I said no? If the latter then no, but then neither did I.

Meekly accepting every parent instruction without any ever hesitation, moaning or push back seems very unnatural and unhealthy to me. If my child behaved so passively I’d be very worried! It hardly equips them for life.

Meekly accepting every parent instruction without any ever hesitation, moaning or push back seems very unnatural and unhealthy to me. If my child behaved so passively I’d be very worried! It hardly equips them for life

Surely it’s just that we’re all different personalities.

I find it interesting (genuinely) that you think that’s behaving passively, is the only way to show passion or personality tantrumming when mum says “time for bed”? For me it’s not passivity, it’s the understanding and acceptance of why instructions are given. But then I never make unreasonable requests.

My parents were incredibly relaxed. Rarely said no, so what did I have to moan against?! I’m bringing up DD the same way.

I find it interesting (genuinely) that you think that’s behaving passively, is the only way to show passion or personality tantrumming when mum says “time for bed”?

But there’s a big difference between meekly accepting every instruction and having a screaming tantrum at not getting your way!

I genuinely think that a child accepting every instruction they are given without objection for the first 12 years of their life is demonstrating extreme passivity!

Even my very laid back son has had many times when he hasn’t meekly accepted instructions at face value or has whinged about stuff. I’ve literally never seen any family dynamic that comes close to the zen-like calm you and your family appear to have!

it is a very strange thing to worry about.

But there’s a big difference between meekly accepting every instruction and having a screaming tantrum at not getting your way!

Questioning an instruction isn’t conflict though, which is what the thread is about.

I’m not worried so all ok. We enjoy our zen-like life. There’s just the two of us and it’s awesome

I’m no expert but I always assumed it’s because they walked very late and spoke/could read very early so always had great understanding

Both mine could read at 3 and their comprehension/understanding is amazing. I found that meant they argued more, as they don’t accept anything at face value! Their ‘debating’ skills are extraordinary

Wait till they’re teens. You’ll find plenty of opportunities for conflict, and modelling conflict resolution. I believe you’re worrying unnecessarily.

I understand where you're coming from OP - children do need to learn that you can disagree with someone and it not be catastrophic to the relationship. They need to learn about things like making reparation, saying sorry, compromising etc. I'm aware of this as I have an only child and yours have siblings.

But there are lots of other places than immediate family to pick this up - out of school group hobbies etc

You said you two children. Plus your op had a different user name..