To worry that my children never see conflict. Ever

[Romax]

Two children 8&6.
Their father and I split amicably when they were very young and they have no recollection of us being together.

No third party. We get on very very well. We have lots of family of four days out, we eat out together at any hint of a celebration, we often come in for coffee and catch up when collecting the children. Yesterday we had a full day out at a local park, my youngest and I on picnic blanket, my ex and eldest playing football, then we picnic-ed. Bliss. Tomorrow we are doing a day long team activity, and ex’s sister joining us (who I don’t see often but get on very well with). The list goes on.

We have never ever argued in front of the children since the divorce. Ever.

Helped enormously by no money issues (ex very high earner and so I receive substantial maintenance plus I work part time in well paid role) and fact that there has never been a third party.

In the quiet of this morning before the children wake, I have been reflecting since our lovely day yesterday. My children do not ever see adults arguing and then making up and moving on. They literally have never seen this. And I see this as an important part of a child’s development. To see adults working through issues.

Nothing I can do (short of orchestrating arguments!) but any one else in similar boat? Or now have teens who grew up in a very harmonious divorced environment where they never saw adults arguing / bickering / indeed any tension at all.

I wonder if some of the irritation OP has caused is partly due to the implication that children need to see arguing parents (be they partners or split up) to experience conflict and conflict resolution.

I don't argue with DH, but my children hear us talking about (resolvable) conflict with work colleagues, family, organisations, neighbours, and have their own conflicts with school etc. It's just normal life.

nb I realise that implication might not have been meant, but I think some people have taken it.

I suppose the same could be said for only children.

Why get divorced and then spend so much time together. The conflict will come when a new partner is on the scene because the kids will be seeing mum and dad as a couple even though you don't live together and wonder who the hell this newcomer is and what part they play in their lives

Not at all, DD knows she has a mum and dad who still love each other but who aren’t a couple. She has a step-mum she loves too. We all socialise together and in various combinations.

I suppose the same could be said for only children

I’m totally fucked. Amicable/friendly separation AND an only daughter

In an only child too!
Believe me, I can argue my corner!
I didn't live with arguing parents either!

Is this post for real? You are finding things to worry about and if your life really is that conflict free, the be grateful!

OP is not finding things to worry about she wants an all rounded child and I can see why.

I’m assuming OP doesn’t want a sheltered child that grows up not fully prepared for life’s ups and downs

Parents arguing does not help you in life in any way. I had parents who had terrible conflict. I hate conflict. I have had terrible conflict with my ex, which mu children have seen. The op is totally delusional in thinking conflict in the home is helpful, ever, and her post must be triggering for a lot of people, where home has been a warzone at some point. She needs to own that naivety. Sorry.

Parents arguing does not help you in life in any way. I had parents who had terrible conflict. I hate conflict. I have had terrible conflict with my ex, which mu children have seen. The op is totally delusional in thinking conflict in the home is helpful, ever, and her post must be triggering for a lot of people, where home has been a warzone at some point. She needs to own that naivety. Sorry

Quite clearly the OP meant 'total absence of conflict', not war zone type conflict which of course isn't helpful.

Well, I know of quite a few children/ grown up offspring who have been deeply damaged by post-divorce acrimony - my own dsd for one. What you have OP, is exactly what all the experts say is absolutely the best thing psychologically for children of divorced parents. I would focus on that I think, it's a very positive outcome that will help positively shape your children's future.

Fwiw though, I do have a degree of doubt that the closeness of your relationship with your ex is entirely healthy in the long run. If/ when either of you starts a relationship with someone else, I think that might be the point at which conflict enters your life. I don't think I would be entirely happy that my partner was still spending so much cosy family time with his ex. But I suppose if you're close, that will make it easier for you to discuss and agree how to handle that scenario.

Anyway, I think children learn conflict resolution from numerous sources throughout their young lives - friendships, observations of other family members, sibling relationships etc. Theyll be fine.

And genuinely, well done for keeping things so civil. That's an achievement that should be celebrated imo.

Surely there is not a total absence of conflict in her home. Does she never disagree with her kids? Do her kids never defy her? Very odd if so.

Of course you’re being unreasonable! It’s a ridiculous thing to worry about and an even more bizarre thing to stealth boast about. HTH.

If you seriously believe that watching adults argue is an essential life experience , you could start fighting with your ex ?

@Romax

This is very much like the relationships I have with both my ex’s. I have a new partner now. There have been one or two (several) disagreements as the boys got older, but we disagreed, talked and moved on. They were weren’t ‘arguments’, just pure disagreements. No shouting, no screaming, no hitting etc.

Both ds (18 & 14) have friends who have parents in very volatile relationships so they are no where near as sheltered as I would think they were.

Maybe what’s different for me is that I came from a very volatile family, I saw more DV than any child should witness. When the boys reached high school I explained it all to them, allowed them to ask questions and answered them honestly. For me it was important that they understood why I didn’t have a strong relationship with my parents.

But as for my relationships with my ex’s, they are great. As it is with their wife and partner. Their children, and now my dp. I go into their homes, will make myself coffee, as they do at mine. Their wife and partner will say ‘stay for a glass of wine’ if it’s evening time. They will raid my fridge.

It all sounds weird written down, but it’s how our life works.

BragFace book is that way---> love.
Although you can't have got on that great with your ex. I mean not that there's any stigma divorce or separation. Good God of course there's not. However let's be honest. No one separates, because they don't like the same pot of jam, do they.

Although you can't have got on that great with your ex

It’s fairly lacking in imagination to assume breakdown of marriage means acrimony and conflict.

Well even if he cheated and op played no part.
He can't have been blissfully happy, can he. Not that being unhappy in relationship excuses shagging around, mind. If that's what did happen.

“If that's what did happen“

OP says no third party.

Well like I said. Couples don't divorce because they don't like the same pot or jam or brand of coffee, don't they. Therefore to make out "Her and her ex have never had a cross word, is a Silly statement.

Her and her ex have never had a cross word, is a Silly statement

We never did. We acknowledged that we’d both grown and changed and decided to end the relationship whilst we still loved each other. As I said earlier, we had changed into a more sibling relationship and it wasn’t what either of us wanted.

We lived together for 6 months post separation quite happily and then he moved out. We’re still great friends, good co-parents just not a couple.

Op so you ever fall out with your kids, about anything??

I can see your point OH, I have a friend who says that she struggles to deal with arguments cause no arguing was allowed in her house. I think there's something to be said for seeing people argue, deal with it rationally afterwards and move on. That said, as others have said,, your kids are always going to see arguments at school and possibly in other people's homes x

I never saw my parents argue until I was at least 30, and that was fine with me. Dd on the other hand knows when we have beer with each other, to use her phrase. She seems to cope ok too.