To worry that my children never see conflict. Ever

[Romax]

Two children 8&6.
Their father and I split amicably when they were very young and they have no recollection of us being together.

No third party. We get on very very well. We have lots of family of four days out, we eat out together at any hint of a celebration, we often come in for coffee and catch up when collecting the children. Yesterday we had a full day out at a local park, my youngest and I on picnic blanket, my ex and eldest playing football, then we picnic-ed. Bliss. Tomorrow we are doing a day long team activity, and ex’s sister joining us (who I don’t see often but get on very well with). The list goes on.

We have never ever argued in front of the children since the divorce. Ever.

Helped enormously by no money issues (ex very high earner and so I receive substantial maintenance plus I work part time in well paid role) and fact that there has never been a third party.

In the quiet of this morning before the children wake, I have been reflecting since our lovely day yesterday. My children do not ever see adults arguing and then making up and moving on. They literally have never seen this. And I see this as an important part of a child’s development. To see adults working through issues.

Nothing I can do (short of orchestrating arguments!) but any one else in similar boat? Or now have teens who grew up in a very harmonious divorced environment where they never saw adults arguing / bickering / indeed any tension at all.

GoFiguire. 🤣😂

Bloody hell is this all you have to worry about? Be grateful your kids aren't actually living in a conflict zone and seeing people being blown up around them!

You saw your parents ‘argue well’ and you still ended up getting divorced so I don’t see how that benefitted you?
Lucky children to have parents who get on so well x

Your kids don't see conflict, and you're financially stable?

Right- take them to a third world country, maybe Palestine, so they can experience conflict first hand?

facepalm

Jeez....

I can see your point and as a child who witnessed a lot of arguments I have to disagree. Children digest what they see as the norm. This only lead to me staying in a toxic relationship much longer then normal because I thought this is what it is like. It was not till 9 months into therapy and I imagined my children repeating this cycle I decided that I would rescue them right away from there. I know I have to show them what a healthy relationship looks like and that differences are discussed and not a shouting match.

I had to figure out on my own how to pick a partner more smartly then my parents did. No opposites do not attract. I should pick someone that I share the majority of my interests with and our core values are similar enough that they are compatible. Does that mean we always agree? no but the arguments remain calm and a difference in opinion rather then a shouting match.

Do your children never argue? That’s how most children learn about conflict, making concessions, when to push and when to let go etc.

My kids haven't ever seen us argue-& we're still together.

It's not a given!

Gosh, poor you op! Next time I read a thread on here about a mum having to chase down her ex for maintenance, or use a food bank, I’ll just think ‘well at least their children are learning an excellent life lesson. Poor Romax’s children, they are truly suffering in their lack of real life resilience because they have two naice parents and lots of money.’.

My heart bleeds for you, and them. So brave, so inspirational. Have you thought of writing a book about your struggles as a family?

I think you have a point but that there is plenty of time for them to see minor conflict resolved.

I worry about people who say they don’t argue ‘in front of the children’ and keep all disagreements hidden. That’s a very dishonest relationship with the children and not helping them understand addressing differences.
What you are concerned about isn’t screeching cat fights, it’s learning it’s ok to disagree within a warm and positive relationship. That is an important message.
I worry that you never disagree with anyone. Are you a complete pushover or do you ‘win’ by applying other strategies.

I think I can see where you're coming from. I'm a LP with essentially no social life so my dc's don't see me having relationships and barely friendships with anyone. With the exception of checkout staff they rarely even see me having a conversation with anyone.
There's a bit of a void. And I'm too busy and tired to know what to do about it.

That is tough. You must be really worried about the lack of conflict in your children´s lives. Have you considered picking a few fights with your ex?

I saw a lot of conflict growing up. I don't see it now.

The latter is better. Not really sure what the problem is and a bit why you split up in the first place if your relationship is so great. Odd.

I get it.

My eldest (31) finds any sort of argument really painful and worrying. She grew up with two very calm parents who never shouted and were pretty much always on the same page.
My youngest (30) has an inlaw family who are loud, boisterous and argumentative and also finds it bewildering and tricky at times.

But we are who we are. You can't manufacture falling out for them.

Careful what you wish for...

There must be conflict between themselves at that age. Unless of course you are Mary popins.

@Romax

Actually I think you might have a point.

My parents never argued in front of us. I was raised in peace and tranquillity. Dh and I don’t argue. Ever. This doesn’t mean I always agree with him but often let Him have things his way because I don’t like any form of conflict. I hate hearing raised voices and will go a long way to keep the peace. I am quite fortunate that my children are not argumentative. I know it’s not good but I am who I am.

I don’t know what can be done about it though.

I don't know what the relevance of your well paid part time job is.

Wait until they become teenagers Conflict aplenty

It's not true that they haven't seen conflict, you have split from their father so however calmly that was handled it still happened.
And they are still functioning!!
So you can stop worrying that you dont give them examples of how to handle conflict.

@TreadingThePrimrosePath

A very kind, thoughtful and helpful post

Thanks so much

We don't really argue in front of our DCs. We've slipped up a couple of times I suppose but nothing major.

OP, your DCs will see plenty of conflict at school etc., and I'm sure there are times when they will argue between each other or with you? I'm guessing you're worried how they'll deal with arguments with a partner when they're older? Probably the same way they will with anyone else. They'll cope with it OP, don't worry.

@JeanieJardine55

Interesting insight, thanks

I wouldn’t worry. Like previous have said, they will see conflict elsewhere. It’s like saying they’ll never understand how to resolve a situation because they’ve never been in poverty or been in a serious crisis.

Not everyone argues.

If you are that worried maybe you could watch an age appropriate program or movie with arguments and then talk about it during or after the film.