To worry that my children never see conflict. Ever

[Romax]

Two children 8&6.
Their father and I split amicably when they were very young and they have no recollection of us being together.

No third party. We get on very very well. We have lots of family of four days out, we eat out together at any hint of a celebration, we often come in for coffee and catch up when collecting the children. Yesterday we had a full day out at a local park, my youngest and I on picnic blanket, my ex and eldest playing football, then we picnic-ed. Bliss. Tomorrow we are doing a day long team activity, and ex’s sister joining us (who I don’t see often but get on very well with). The list goes on.

We have never ever argued in front of the children since the divorce. Ever.

Helped enormously by no money issues (ex very high earner and so I receive substantial maintenance plus I work part time in well paid role) and fact that there has never been a third party.

In the quiet of this morning before the children wake, I have been reflecting since our lovely day yesterday. My children do not ever see adults arguing and then making up and moving on. They literally have never seen this. And I see this as an important part of a child’s development. To see adults working through issues.

Nothing I can do (short of orchestrating arguments!) but any one else in similar boat? Or now have teens who grew up in a very harmonious divorced environment where they never saw adults arguing / bickering / indeed any tension at all.

I'm not talking fisticuffs but a little disagreement between siblings is expected

I agree. If they’ve got to 8 and 6 and never once disagreed about anything I’d say that’s very unusual.

Mississippilessly

It makes me sad that this forum has become so horrible. The sheer bitterness of some people on here, it's a real sham.e because it will put people off posting.

I totally agree with this, I don’t know why people are so vicious sometimes on here. It saddens me, I don’t see how this post could have caused offence, and people have said the OP is trying to boast?! Some people are something else, she never came on to blast just has a genuine question but then people have to twist things and make assumptions that OP never validated.

I am divorced, but after a toxic marriage in which my ex used to either be bad tempered or ostracise me. So my dc have not seen the healthy resolution of conflict either. The best I could do is show them that you don’t have to put up with crap (which I did for many years).

My ex and I do not talk AT ALL despite having 3 teenage dc, and he moved on instantly while we were forced to share the same house for months.

Your situation sounds far preferable OP.

I really hope that one day ex and I get on, but the hurt is visceral and it looks unlikely.

I think the OP has a point. I never saw my mum and stepdad (they were together from when I was a year old and he was the only father figure I ever knew) argue. If they had disagreements I never witnessed them.Mum did argue with other family members though and it always ended with periods of NC. I never saw disagreement followed by acceptance, forgiveness or compromise.

When I eventually set up home with eventual DH I saw every disagreement we had as a potential catastrophe and a sign our relationship would end. When my DC argued I thought they would hate each other and become estranged and would intervene/interfere to try and fix things.

Age, experience, training as a psychotherapist and years of personal therapy have helped me develop a more balanced approach to conflict.

Wait till there is a 3rd party sure they will see lots then...

So you've never had a family disagreement? WW3 has never broken out about whether to watch Cars 3 or Moana? Or where to eat out? Or whether you go swimming or bike riding at the park?

'Conflict' doesn't mean screaming in eachother's faces, slamming doors, storming off and then making up again later. It's bickering over ordering Chinese or Pizza on a Friday night and coming to a compromise.

Children have conflict all the time. Go and sit in a session at your local toddler group and observe for yourself. Unless your children live in a bubble where they never associate with any other human beings (siblings included) then it's impossible for them not to experience conflict.

Romax did post in AIBU rather than relationships, so I assume she would have expected some people to say yes you are being unreasonable!!

That said, I don’t feel many people have been harsh here. I do feel there’s naivety rather than smugness in her posts. Almost as though she has no clue that the ages her children are now is the easy bit... not demanding toddlers any more but not at the age where they push boundaries and question parenting decisions.

Like I said, I’m sure there will be plenty of scope for them to question things in future, certainly around what a good relationship looks like, and why their parents divorced. And unless both parties remain happily single and don’t have any romantic relationship in future, there will definitely be quite significant changes in dynamic ahead.

I get what you mean, OP, and you have a very valid point. As a few previous posters have said, you can teach your children to stand up for themselves and that their feelings matter. I wish I had known that not all people are kind, nice, or care, even if they seem to. I also find conflict very difficult. I have always been far too passive, looking back, which is fine when all those around you are good people, but a recipe for personal disaster when you are with someone who is manipulative and controlling (and you don’t see it).

On the whole though, I am really thankful for having had a peaceful and loving upbringing, which gives me resources to cope with bad times and also the knowledge that life can be wonderful again.

I agree that you can’t have pretend arguments to show them to your children (!) but maybe set up some debates between them on controversial subjects and help them to discuss/argue their sides rationally, reasonably and fairly whilst sticking to their guns? (This isn’t something I’ve done with my children as I didn’t know there was any need and now sadly they have seen the nastiness of some people for themselves anyway... your divorce situation sounds ideal for their wellbeing whereas I have been plunged into hell with mine!)

I think it would be better to talk to your children as they get older about the reasons why you decided to split. Oh and yes you have got the teenage years to come - why on earth are you thinking there will be no conflict?!

They don't need to see conflict to learn how to manage it. They need to see compromise, cooperation and working together - you both do this.

As a side.

Even if OP does come across a little smug, it's not the crime of the century! I'd rather be smug than so deeply unpleasant.

"I'm not surprised you're divorced". I mean, just why?

You talk about your children not seeing conflict, but do you really mean they aren't seeing either parent in a relationship with another adult?

Even if OP does come across a little smug, it's not the crime of the century!

No, but considering the horror stories heard on here from women struggling with crap ex’s, domestic abuse or the fallout of it, lack of money and generally worried about the next time they have to deal with said arsehole ex, the OP has shown a shocking lack of decorum over a non-issue, whilst rubbing in how wonderful her post-divorce life is. Perhaps this wasn’t quite the platform for her insufferable smugness.

“I'm not surprised you're divorced".

What a nasty thing to say. If you haven’t got anything nice to say perhaps don’t say it

My friend and I spoke about this subject yesterday. She had her first fight with her new bf and his concerned because he doesn’t think couples fight? He hasn’t had a serious relationship before. My friend and I both see an argument or disagreement as normal.. however I grew up in a family where my parents argued and moved on, she grew up with a single mother and didn’t see that.. but she still thinks it’s notmal.

Your children will already have encountered conflict when you disciplined them as they grew, intervened in sibling spats.

You also say you haven't argued since the divorce, so presumably you argued before.

One other thing... however amicably you’ve dealt with it, Romax, you and your ex made the decision to marry, have two children, and then while those children were still very young the relationship broke down to the extent you decided to divorce. Since no other was involved, we can only assume that for whatever reason, you didn’t want to continue living together as a couple and raising your children within a nuclear family unit. So on some level, however well you handled it, you must have had some incompatibility/ disagreement on goals/ conflict/ call it what you will! And children aren’t stupid. On some level they will have absorbed this, even if they haven’t verbalised it yet. Which brings us back to my first point that they will have questions about what makes a good relationship, why you two don’t want to live together etc etc
And that’s before you factor in all the inevitable changes in dynamics and possible future conflicts.

So, I don’t see you as smug, but I do think there’s s huge amount of naivety in your posts. As though having the appearance of this perfect picture book family picnicking on a rug means your children are somehow immune to all the conflicts they’ll inevitably experience on all sorts of levels.

@Jodie571
Hardly nasty just expressing my opinion.
OP posted on aibu, and she is being unreasonable and smug.

Im amazed theyve never witness any argument ever. My children witnessed a very nasty argument on a bus a few days ago (a man and a woman) very nasty, threats racial abuse, they were terrified. Well dont for getting them through life without ever witnessing any conflict!

DoneLikeAKipper
Agree!

@GoFiguire
Is this the right thread for an argument?
No, apparently this is Abuse

I’m not surprised your divorced

🙄

I understand totally what the OP means. I’m in a very similar situation. DD doesn’t have siblings to “disagree” with.

She’s got a step-mother she adores, and I won’t be having another partner.

OP - I’ve found a good tactic is to discuss situations, so DD comes home from school and says “x fell out with y” - it’s good to ask why does she think that happened and how she would have acted.

But then I suppose some people are naturally very placid, and I don’t think lack of conflict is necessarily always a concern, the lack of ability to deal with conflict management would be.

Children need to witness/be a part of a disagreement to know how to resolve a conflict in a healthy way. It's important for them to know they can get angry or other people can get angry. And that they can explain their point of view even if it's different from other people's opinions. It also teaches emotional resilience. It's important to learn how to manage your feelings, all your feelings.