To worry that my children never see conflict. Ever

[Romax]

Two children 8&6.
Their father and I split amicably when they were very young and they have no recollection of us being together.

No third party. We get on very very well. We have lots of family of four days out, we eat out together at any hint of a celebration, we often come in for coffee and catch up when collecting the children. Yesterday we had a full day out at a local park, my youngest and I on picnic blanket, my ex and eldest playing football, then we picnic-ed. Bliss. Tomorrow we are doing a day long team activity, and ex’s sister joining us (who I don’t see often but get on very well with). The list goes on.

We have never ever argued in front of the children since the divorce. Ever.

Helped enormously by no money issues (ex very high earner and so I receive substantial maintenance plus I work part time in well paid role) and fact that there has never been a third party.

In the quiet of this morning before the children wake, I have been reflecting since our lovely day yesterday. My children do not ever see adults arguing and then making up and moving on. They literally have never seen this. And I see this as an important part of a child’s development. To see adults working through issues.

Nothing I can do (short of orchestrating arguments!) but any one else in similar boat? Or now have teens who grew up in a very harmonious divorced environment where they never saw adults arguing / bickering / indeed any tension at all.

I get what you mean OP.

I grew up in the opposite household with parents who were at war 95% of the time and barely held it together till they (thankfully) divorced.

It was a childhood-long lesson in how to argue badly though, and has left me with very strange ideas on how to deal with stuff (only realised after therapy).

I still get the immediate fear response that argument = breakup whenever anyone around me fights though. I have no experiences of positive conflict resolution to fall back on.

OP has shown a shocking lack of decorum over a non-issue, whilst rubbing in how wonderful her post-divorce life is. Perhaps this wasn’t quite the platform for her insufferable smugness.

So unless your life is crap, you're not allowed to post about it?

I mean I get it. It's Easter weekend, the sun is out, which means alcohol and prime time for domestic abuse/ violence.

It's interesting to see how many people have been triggered by OP posting about her nice life. It's sad. And no I'm not being condescending.

Show off! Gosh put the news on enough conflict on the tv today for a life lesson today.

What passing-bells for these who die as cattle?
—Only the monstrous anger of the guns.
Only the stuttering rifles' rapid rattle
Can patter out their hasty orisons.

No mockeries now for them; no prayers nor bells;
Nor any voice of mourning save the choirs,—
The shrill, demented choirs of wailing shells;
And bugles calling for them from sad shires.

What candles may be held to speed them all?
Not in the hands of boys, but in their eyes
Shall shine the holy glimmers of goodbyes.

The pallor of girls' brows shall be their pall;
Their flowers the tenderness of patient minds,
And each slow dusk a drawing-down of blinds.

I've mixed feelings. It sounds a little like you haven't moved on in some ways. My XH are amicable but live very separate lives with new partners. New partners, however nice, however slowly introduced, definitely change the dynamic, especially when they interrupt a lovely calm routine. That may come. Also secondary school is more ahem exciting than the bubble of junior school. 6 and 8 are comparatively easy ages to parent, after the grind of little ones.

It's nice that their lives are peaceable of course. It probably won't last as life is long and complex. If you're able to buffer them from some of life's crap then that's a good thing.

I grew up in a house without arguments and I find conflict excruciating. I'll go to long lengths to avoid confrontation. I don't think this makes me a bad person but I was a little I'll equipped to stand up for myself at times as an adult.

There must be lots of DC who don't witness parents' arguments. DH and I don't row.

Somehow though we have two teenagers who row with us and each other every now and again. Then the row is resolved and we move on.

Plus there's loads of conflict in films and tv if you think they are missing out.

My dc have had both sides; arguing within the household and a peaceful household. My ds seems to be the only one out of 3 children who doesn't handle adults arguing very well.

He doesn't seem bothered by friendship arguments, just hates adults shouting. I can't really see how only he takes it badly.

Surely your kids don’t live in a vacuum and have conflicts with their friends at school. I don’t think they need to witness conflicts to learn how to navigate this. They learn from you teaching them the basics when they talk to you about an argument they’ve had with a friend for instance. Seeing you having an argument would only reinforce what you’ve told them.

I don’t want to sound like I’m bragging but my four year old seems to know fairly well how to deal with conflict. I’m trying to teach her to be respectful of others, to show kindness, to listen to their point of view when they disagree with her and to stand up for herself when she’s being pushed around.

To give you a few examples, a little girl at nursery apologised to her for being unkind about something the day before. My DD magnanimously said ‘All right! Thank you.’ Another time she made her friend cry because she was being super bossy with her playing a game. I asked her if she’d like it if somebody was barking orders at her when she’s playing and asked her to say sorry. Recently, she was telling me about a boy making her because there are some words she can’t pronounce properly. I taught her the Mumsnet classic ‘Did you mean to be so rude?’ Next time he’s mocking her.

Obviously she’s four years old so it’s pretty simple understanding, forgiveness, apology and defend yourself but it’s something she can apply to her situation and her feelings.

People really could be kinder on here!
It's a forum where people should be able to ask questions without being roasted all the time.
Yes OP has a lovely life and she's obviously aware there are bigger problems in the world, but its all relative.

I'd say that your children will experience enough conflict/arguments in the playground or via the media. Well done for showing them that something such as divorce doesn't have to mean hatred etc.

Posting that your life is good? Like a bull to a red flag on here 😂😂

Anyhoot...

Whilst I can understand your concern, the opposite can be quite damaging. I grew up in a household full of arguments and violence. It left a great deal of scars. Emotional ones. I can handle conflict but it's not because I witnessed it first hand.

I handle conflict out of a need to reach a common goal of peace. I understand that there is a need for compromise. I understand that things are better when they're talked about in a calm and polite manner. I was NOT shown that as a child and quite often I was encouraging my parents to do that even at the age of 6.

Those things are all teachable without having 'arguments' though. Why dont you involve your kids on discussions like deciding what to do with the garden or decorating places? Discuss arguments they've seen at school. Discuss the news. Ask them their viewpoints and why they feel they would approach things that way. Encourage then to air their opinions and assure then that their feelings and opinions are valid. Always.

It is my one wish that my son never sees conflict like I did. It is something I will protect him from ever so fiercely. But I know I cannot shield him from everything so I hope to teach him the above. I just want him to know there is always a safe place at home where he is loved and won't have to feel fear. Be happy and content that you have created such a place or your little ones 😊

I also think in a relationship with people who don't argue, one person is getting their own way all the time and the other suppresses their needs.

So unless your life is crap, you're not allowed to post about it?

That’s not what I said. I’m saying that posting about how your wonderful, co-existing with her ex, comfortably off lifestyle isn’t a problem for her children,like she’s trying to make out it is.

If a poster wants to brag about their wonderful set-up then whatever, but pretending the fact their children are lucky enough to have (apparently) never seen conflict in their home is somehow an issue that is going to cause them long term harm - like kids who do see this sort of thing are better for it - is ridiculous.

She basically said she was pondering if she was providing them with the skills to handle conflict in the future. People are being quite over the top in their annoyance at the fact her life is good.

Op please can you send your ex my way ! Where do you live

Why did you divorce if you get on so well?
It's a serious question.
Most parents tolerate so much in order to keep their children in a 2 parent family, why did you not do that?

As for not seeing conflict you must be joking. They will experience it at school.
Nobody goes through school without the experience of having to work with others whom they do not necessarily get along with.
Teachers deliberately nd up groups putting a shy, retiring child with a dominating child, a disengaged child, a disruptive child, a meanwhile ect etc . The list of personalities is endless.
If some children are known to be difficult then they will be put alongside others to watch and model their behaviour.
House points/rewards will be given to the teams who work best together. This often means that the more able, amicable child will have to think of ways to encourage the others.
As part of dd1s pe gcse, she was put in charge of other students with the role of captain. She didn't like it because they were not as enthusiastic as she was.
By the end of the GCSE they did engage and did try their best when ever they were on her team.

Never argue with my ex for the simple reason I don’t talk to him.

Let them watch Eastenders. Problem solved!
I jest, I jest. I'm raising my DC in a similarly peaceful environment, but I am still married to their father. I want home to be a safe haven, soft landing, where they and we can come, when we've had a shit day, and know there are people who won't give us a hard time.
We disagree loads! But DH and I don't shout. We disagree, we talk, and we move on. If the DC misbehave they are sanctioned appropriately, but then it's dropped, and we move on. Your DC will see conflict, and I reckon your set up with EXH is pretty mature. If it ain't broke and all that. go enjoy the sunshine with your DC, and savour the peace they'll be teenagers soon and you'll crave it!!

Why did you divorce if you get on so well?
It's a serious question

Not the OP but also in a very amicable split. We wanted more. We were friends not a couple.

Most parents tolerate so much in order to keep their children in a 2 parent family, why did you not do that?

Again, in our situation why would we? A loving and amicable split resulting in two loving homes needn’t be in any way a negative. We weren’t prepared to sacrifice ourselves for something we could still provide namely a stable, loving and healthy childhood for DD.

I sort of get what you are saying OP.

My parents never argued and had the most genuinely amicable of relationships post break up.

However, I know that it left scars in other ways. For example, never witnessing the sort of passionate love that is part of a strong marriage made me deeply suspicious of it when I eventually experienced it, ultimately leading me to end one of the best relationships I’ve ever had because it was so overwhelming and I couldn’t handle the strength of his love for me.

After years of lukewarm but safe relationships that reminded me of the boring but stable “friendship” love that was more familiar to me and my parents relationship, I finally realised that passion is hugely important and that it’s part of a healthy relationship. It’s what differentiates between friends and lovers.

Honestly, I don't get the vitriol the OP is getting from some posters - I mean, seriously, there's no need for a so-called "race to the bottom" in every single thread. People have different lives, with different experiences, and different ways of coping with things. What may seem like a non-issue to you might not be the same for someone else. Do we really need all these snide remarks?

That being said, OP, I get where you're coming from. To me, it lies along the same line as that commonly regurgitated "ideal" on twitter where you leave someone at the first sign of not completely loving everything they do and say. Interpersonal relationships are about compromise, and conflict resolution is a key part of that.

Your kids are young but not that young to have 0 comprehension as to what's going on around them. Perhaps you can try reading the news to them, get them interested in current events (critical thinking is crucial in this modern era and you don't want them to get to the age where they'll be on social media and start taking everything at face value), and discuss the various conflicts that are going on (maybe start with local disputes) and the ways in which problems can be resolved in a healthy manner?

Killing two birds with one stone there.

I agree with blessedfox I want my dc to love their life partner with all their might.
I know not everyone is lucky enough to find that.
I don't want them to settle for less.
It took me a very long time to find dp but he is truly the live of my life.
Do we argue? Very rarely. Do we speak our mind ? Totally. Do we express thoughts and opinions ? Yes. Your children will see lots of conflict as they get older, much, much more so now than people my age did.
It will be hard to keep them sheltered as everything is available to watch on demand 24/7.

To be honest you do have a point. I grew up in a very happy stable home and still have that. I have problems with conflict - I can’t really deal with people shouting at me and I usually go quiet if something is wrong as I don’t really know what to do! I also have a bit of anxiety and panic attack’s over being afraid something will happen to anyone in my family as we are so close and happy. However I don’t think there’s anything you can do. Everyone has problems and it’s better to have them stem from a super happy stable childhood! None of us kids (5) have ended up in bad relationship either - all are with very stable calm people so we are looking like having very stable lives for any children that come along too so it has to be a good thing!!

Sounds like you are essentially still married. Why get divorced and then spend so much time together. The conflict will come when a new partner is on the scene because the kids will be seeing mum and dad as a couple even though you don't live together and wonder who the hell this newcomer is and what part they play in their lives.

I see what the OP is saying. I’ve still never seen my parents angry/upset/arguing and I’m 37. The went back and forward this morning about how the dishwasher was loaded, perfectly politely but both a little irritated and I said ‘are you guys getting a divorce’ as a joke because these two treat each other excellently and always have.

In my relationships I’ve always frozen when DP has started to get actually angry, or slightly raise his voice. When I’ve had a row (never even a bad one, just a proper direct confrontation on an issue) I’ve felt that our relationship might be damaged or even over. So I don’t handle direct conflict well. I find it very very upsetting and even if stuff is annoying me or should be discussed I tend to suck it up.

I could have done with experiencing some healthy argument and conflict resolution just to understand better how to handle it myself.

Heaven forfend that someone express a concern lesser than a complete catastrophe ask for an opinion.

I do think you have a point OP. My parents divorced when I was young and no one in my family had a healthy marriage. By the time I got married I had no idea where the boundaries in a relationship should be or how to work them out. How to respond when someone else is angry is a relationship skill.

As they get older I think it's important that both you and your DH speak to them about the conflict that led to your divorce. It couldn't have been trivial if you chose to divorce.

I'd work hard at facilitating conflict between them as well. You can help to guide them through conflict in a healthy way. Most siblings certainly experience conflict with one another. I'd grab it as an opportunity.