To worry that my children never see conflict. Ever

[Romax]

Two children 8&6.
Their father and I split amicably when they were very young and they have no recollection of us being together.

No third party. We get on very very well. We have lots of family of four days out, we eat out together at any hint of a celebration, we often come in for coffee and catch up when collecting the children. Yesterday we had a full day out at a local park, my youngest and I on picnic blanket, my ex and eldest playing football, then we picnic-ed. Bliss. Tomorrow we are doing a day long team activity, and ex’s sister joining us (who I don’t see often but get on very well with). The list goes on.

We have never ever argued in front of the children since the divorce. Ever.

Helped enormously by no money issues (ex very high earner and so I receive substantial maintenance plus I work part time in well paid role) and fact that there has never been a third party.

In the quiet of this morning before the children wake, I have been reflecting since our lovely day yesterday. My children do not ever see adults arguing and then making up and moving on. They literally have never seen this. And I see this as an important part of a child’s development. To see adults working through issues.

Nothing I can do (short of orchestrating arguments!) but any one else in similar boat? Or now have teens who grew up in a very harmonious divorced environment where they never saw adults arguing / bickering / indeed any tension at all.

I am guessing that they see their DPs day in and day out resolving any pote tial issues in a way that's about give and take without any conflict.

They will be in earshot of plans being made and be getting good role modelling of this through you both.

Not everyone has arguments about everything,most are able to try to be accommodating. They dont have to see conflict, raised voices, heated disagreements or whatever.

They are learning to see how to do it well

It tends to be the case also that seeing dps getting into conflict will be a cause of distress and set up avoidance.

You have two DC you say, surely they have conflicts?!

This is where its healthy to learn to manage.

Are they both people pleasers and unable to speak?

Haha, the moderation on here is terrible. People can be as snide and horrible as they like, as long as the rudeness is thinly veiled. Calling them out for it, however, even in a general sense, is prohibited

Haha, the moderation on here is terrible.

It really is. Never used to be.

My parents never argued. Mum would stop speaking to Dad and then suddenly would start again.

It's made me try and avoid arguments in my own relationship, but this just back fires and I become a doormat (all be it a pissed off one).

So on one hand I see where you're coming from. But I do think they'll probably figure it out through friendships etc.

i call stealth boast

Or maybe put the radio on occasionally and let them listen to MPs squabbling over Brexit

Or Susan annoying the arse off someone on The Archers.

Unless you've brought them up in a hermetically sealed bubble where they are miraculously unable to fight over toys they will be well aware of the concept of conflict. Talk about first world problems!

Your DC squabble. Are you saying they dont?
That they never fall out, or ever have argued over a toy, losing a game, misunderstandings?

Nothing I can do (short of orchestrating arguments!) but any one else in similar boat? Or now have teens who grew up in a very harmonious divorced environment where they never saw adults arguing / bickering / indeed any tension at all

This thread has been niggling me and I couldn't work out why. I've just reread the OP. Can I ask Romax why you address your question only to harmoniously divorced parents? Why not to harmoniously married parents (whose children will, in your mind, be deprived of seeing conflict) Are you assuming all married couples argue and bicker? They don't. I think the unspoken assumption (correct me if I'm wrong) of your OP is that your divorced relationship is less argumentative/bickering than many marriages.

"Are you assuming all married couples argue and bicker? They don't. "

Well those who don't must be repressing some of their anger or not sticking up for themselves. I just don't believe that some couples never disagree. I know some people don't let disagreements become arguments, but I don't think it's always healthy to avoid even the slightest amount of conflict.

I disagree with you Gwen. Disagreeing on something is not arguing or a conflict (different views within a marriage are fine as long as you can agree on the things that matter) And it's interesting that you (presumably) accept OP's claim that she doesn't argue or bicker with her ex but not mine that I don't argue or bicker with my husband.

My oh and I definitely don't always agree, but we don't argue, he's very stubborn and I'm highly strung, but we talk. We've been together almost 6 years and can not imagine a situation where we would argue...

Release - nowhere in my post do I not accept that some couples don't argue. Please read more carefully.

Arguments aren’t necessarily a bad thing,
(as long as they aren’t nasty, violent or too frequent) and a lack of argument doesn’t signify a strong relationship - often the reverse.

Arguments indicate a level of passion and concern that can far more healthy than the apathy, martyr-like submission and passive aggression that characterise many relationships where arguments never occur. My parents would boast they never argued (which isn’t quite true, though it was only rare) but they did exhibit other negative qualities mentioned above and they would have been better off having an argument at times.

Aimily

What do you mean by “argument”? I find it hard to see how a highly strung person wouldn’t argue with a stubborn person at times! Presumably you disagree at times. If so, if he is stubborn, he won’t immediately give way/be conciliatory (otherwise he wouldn’t be stubborn!). If you’re highly strung then you won’t take that lack of conciliation entirely calmly (otherwise you wouldn’t be highly strung!) and presumably you have a lively discussion until you settle on a way forward. To me, that’s an argument... there doesn’t have to be nastiness, swearing,
shouting or violence.

I can only offer a single data point, but FWIW, I experienced very little conflict growing up - and while I can't say for certain that that was the cause, the me of today is very conflict-averse. And yes, my level of conflict avoidance causes me problems both professionally and in my marriage.

@DoneLikeAKipper That is probably the nastiest most vitriolic post I have seen on here. Why? Does it turn you on to be vile? Grow up

Gwyneth Paltrow is that you?

Wow you are really up yourself arent you op? Lots of children don't see conflict. Purely a stealth boast post.

@oaken we have different ideas of arguments then.
To me what you have described is a conversation. And we do have lively conversations like that, but I wouldn't call it an argument.
However, that's a really good example of showing people's difference of opinion.

An argument to me is when you start to get het up and frustrated.

How are you not arguing with your kids, and how are they not arguing with each other, at least occasionally?

Surely you must have the low level conflicts that result from kids wanting to have things, later bed times, more and more sweets, an extra bit of time to do something when you need to leave the house immediately and they must argue between themselves - the mandatory turf war over shared and loved toy or a hostile negotiation of what game to play next including a detailed history of who got their way more over the last week?

Do you have a very high bar for what constitutes conflict and have you disregarded all the above?

Or are you saying there is no conflict, at all?

@HakunaRattatas, what . Are you confusing my posts for another, because if that’s one of the ‘nastiest posts’ you’ve read on MN, you’ve been extremely sheltered on here. However, feel free to report whatever you’ve found so utterly offensive .

Apologies Gwen, indeed you don't.

Fucking hell, the OP has had more of a bashing on this thread than other OPs who have behaved really badly.

The name calling and accusations are just weird, I don't really get what you get out of it, can someone please explain? Let's assume I'm a bit dim (a gift for some of you right there ...) and explain to me why calling someone names etc makes you feel better. I wonder how many of you would be 'fuming' and 'raging' if someone did it to your DCs at school and would be up there demanding justice for your precious poppet. Someone upthread said that people model our behaviour and that's very true. I'd hate if my kids felt that the way to get their point across was to behave so badly towards someone.

Your DC have seen that after their parents’ relationship didn’t worked out, you lived apart happily, kept relations positive and co parented effectively. Pretty good role modelling IMO!

@Aimily

An argument to me is when you start to get het up and frustrated.

You seriously never even start to get frustrated with your partner even though they are stubborn? How is that possible unless you’re completely apathetic about stuff, or only engage at a superficial level?

Even the best and/or most loved-up relationships I’ve known experience some frustration with their partners at times.