To worry that my children never see conflict. Ever

[Romax]

Two children 8&6.
Their father and I split amicably when they were very young and they have no recollection of us being together.

No third party. We get on very very well. We have lots of family of four days out, we eat out together at any hint of a celebration, we often come in for coffee and catch up when collecting the children. Yesterday we had a full day out at a local park, my youngest and I on picnic blanket, my ex and eldest playing football, then we picnic-ed. Bliss. Tomorrow we are doing a day long team activity, and ex’s sister joining us (who I don’t see often but get on very well with). The list goes on.

We have never ever argued in front of the children since the divorce. Ever.

Helped enormously by no money issues (ex very high earner and so I receive substantial maintenance plus I work part time in well paid role) and fact that there has never been a third party.

In the quiet of this morning before the children wake, I have been reflecting since our lovely day yesterday. My children do not ever see adults arguing and then making up and moving on. They literally have never seen this. And I see this as an important part of a child’s development. To see adults working through issues.

Nothing I can do (short of orchestrating arguments!) but any one else in similar boat? Or now have teens who grew up in a very harmonious divorced environment where they never saw adults arguing / bickering / indeed any tension at all.

@saraclara

And thank you also.
That is my concern. That they think conflict is something to be fearful of and think “oh I’m in a shit relationship because I’m arguing and my divorced parents didn’t even argue”. When in actual fact it could just be healthy airing of differences

Yes those saying conflict at school absolutely right. At the moment too young for it, but they will come! It was more a concern though about seeing adults in marriages and partnerships overcoming conflict

People are being too harsh.
OP you sound like you have a nice life. Your children will come into conflicts of their own through friendships and school etc. Hopefully they can figure it out for themselves, or you can be there to give advice and support when needed.
I wouldn’t worry too much, just carry on doing what you are doing.

I’ve never argued with my ex over the kids either. It’s taken some work, but where we have rare disagreements we’re in a place now where we can sit down over a cup of coffee and reach agreement. My kids see us resolving problems and that’s much healthier than screaming matches and slamming doors. Relationships with exes depend a lot, I think, on how you behaved towards each other before the split, how you split, and whether there was any abuse. In my case we’d always got along really well, but he turned out to be gay, so it was what it was. Additionally, he was generous financially and we’ve both been very flexible about access which took a lot of the sting out of the tail. Rather than being worried about the kids not experiencing marital conflict, I’m grateful that that are getting to experience positive coparenting. I’ve friends who are are constantly at loggerheads with their exes and they’re so exhausted and drained from it.

How odd, I never saw my parents argue, of course they disagreed on things but not falling out and making up again, the same with my DH. I always felt desperately sorry for friends at school whose parents argued because it made them anxious and upset.

Surely they argue and debate with each other, right?

Meh put on an episode of simpsons

Seeing people they love having full blown screeming matches is not conducive to anything.
Discussions, resolving differences, conversations where people have different points of view, great. And if you can get things like that sorted, arguments rarely need to happen.

You can’t replicate your own childhood experience and you don’t feel that anything you are doing is second best to your “gold standard “ experience.
Things may change in your life, you may meet a partner or your ex may and conflict will be renewed! Enjoy the peace!

They have each other, don't they? Do they never argue and then make up afterwards?
My parents were happily married and argued, from time to time. It was something I dreaded, and I don't see my own occasional rows with DH as a learning opportunity for my own DC. I worry that they feel the same way about raised voices and angry tones as I did. Your DC wouldn't be neutral observers, OP; they'd be scared children.

It may be relevant that neither you nor your ex have met another partner yet. Things may suddenly become very different when/if that happens. I say, be glad for what you have.

Posted too soon. They’ll experience lots of conflict throughout their lives. There are enough assholes in the world to ensure this. Sounds like you and your ex are exceptionally nice, stable people. I admire you and I think it’s awesome that your kids have total stability and happiness in both homes.

Conflict sucks.

YABVVVVU. Count your blessings and stop bragging about the 'perfect' life you have made for your children. They will see enough disagreements in the playground to learn to deal with it.

Are you actually serious???
Actually it's a valid point.
I was on a work course last November and dealing with conflict came up. We talked about our experiences. I'd never experienced conflict between parents when I was growing up so for many years I was almost frightened to stand up for myself because I could deal with being in a situation that needed me to answer back or challenge a situation. There were extremes as you get with any groups of people but those that were at the opposite end of the spectrum and had seen and experienced a lot if arguments were completely unfazed by them n adult life.
Sure this is anecdotal and only a sample of about 30 people but the discussion we had around it was interesting.
DP and I hardly ever argue but I remember when Ds1 was about 3 Do and I were play arguing and being silly. Ds burst into tears and was saying ' stop it, stop it, please be friends ' It was quite a shock to be honest and we had to reassure him everything was ok.

@megrichardson

Totally agree

Surely you’ll both have new relationships in the near to medium future? You’re not going to stay single forever. Plenty of time to see conflict

Genuinely don't understand the point of your boast?! Good for you.

Give it 3 years, then the puberty hormones will start and you’ll have a lovely amount of conflict!

I was a bit harsh...sorry. I shouldn't post when tired and grumpy and haven't had the first coffee of the day

I seem to be the only person who knows what you mean Romax!

I've met people in life who to pieces when someone disagrees with them and people who think that any disagreement is a big falling out and I've thought that was from coming from families where people don't argue. I don't think it's always healthy to be keeping it all in.

I've also met people who'll just go with the flow e.g. on a shopping trip with a friend will just go where the friend wants to go and not have their own preferences and I think that's also part of not being able to have any kind of conflict.

Mmm - boastful and smug? No-one goes through life without some conflict, but if you are in this position, then - lucky you! I hope for your sake your children have the same gilded life as yourself.

I also see your point. I think parents are really important role models to learn conflict resolution. I think your children will have arguments and disagreements with you and their dad and learn from that and how that is handled.

I would be more concerned that neither you nor your Ex are modelling a committed relationship. That said the way society is set up these days I think the days of long term monogamy and interdependence may be numbered.

Gwenhwyfar

I seem to be the only person who knows what you meanRomax!

No you're not.

Just wait until the teen years.

Either you'll have conflict aplenty to deal with.

Or they'll be old enough to watch telly with you, and you can talk about what's on. Before the soaps were dumbed down, they were always a good source. But I'm sure there will be something when your turn comes.

Do either of you have a new partner? That might cause ructions in years to come!