To worry that my children never see conflict. Ever

[Romax]

Two children 8&6.
Their father and I split amicably when they were very young and they have no recollection of us being together.

No third party. We get on very very well. We have lots of family of four days out, we eat out together at any hint of a celebration, we often come in for coffee and catch up when collecting the children. Yesterday we had a full day out at a local park, my youngest and I on picnic blanket, my ex and eldest playing football, then we picnic-ed. Bliss. Tomorrow we are doing a day long team activity, and ex’s sister joining us (who I don’t see often but get on very well with). The list goes on.

We have never ever argued in front of the children since the divorce. Ever.

Helped enormously by no money issues (ex very high earner and so I receive substantial maintenance plus I work part time in well paid role) and fact that there has never been a third party.

In the quiet of this morning before the children wake, I have been reflecting since our lovely day yesterday. My children do not ever see adults arguing and then making up and moving on. They literally have never seen this. And I see this as an important part of a child’s development. To see adults working through issues.

Nothing I can do (short of orchestrating arguments!) but any one else in similar boat? Or now have teens who grew up in a very harmonious divorced environment where they never saw adults arguing / bickering / indeed any tension at all.

You seem to have a better relationship with your ex then most do with their current partner's. Why did you divorce?

My children do not ever see adults arguing and then making up and moving on. They literally have never seen this. And I see this as an important part of a child’s development. To see adults working through issues

You are underestimating your children's intelligence. You and their father were married, but are now divorced. And now get on well. They will understand (if not now when older) that this required "working through issues".

I understand where you're coming from but as a child i witnessed horrendous arguments. It severely damaged my mental health.

I can't help but wonder, if your days together are so nice, why you aren't together

The usual harsh pile-on from MN (now that deserves a slow clap)...

I do think the OP has a point, that if children were never to witness conflict in their lives at all, it would be unhealthy; however, as others have said, it's bound to happen anyway at school, and on TV. There is a difference between parties disagreeing but still listening to each other until they reach a compromise (good for children), and really terrible conflict where nobody listens to each other, and the screaming and shouting escalates (not good for children to witness).

I know of children (and a few adults) who would be scared to hear a debate, because they didn't realise that that kind of conflict is normal, as long as it does not get out of hand.

Related to this I think is children who are afraid to stand up for themselves, because they're immediately told "don't argue" or "don't answer back".

They will argue with each other and you or their dad will tell them hoe to resolve it.

They might wonder if you get on so well why you can’t be together- but that’s whole other conversation!!!!!

Agree with pp that you should enjoy this period of harmony. The dynamics will change if one/both of you partners someone new. Not necessarily that there will be loads of screaming arguments - that would be awful! - but it’s inevitably going to change things and there are unlikely to be cosy picnics and days out as a foursome.

The only thing that strikes me, is not so much the issue of not experiencing conflict. But if this wonderful relationship with your ex were to continue exactly as it is, I wonder whether the children might be a little unsure of how relationships work and what keeps people together. You sound very good friends with your ex, which is one of the hallmarks of a really great marriage. If you have a happy marriage in the long term, you need to really like your partner, and enjoy their company. So it does strike me that your children may be confused as they grow up as to why you actually split, and that will involve you both explaining your reasons why you divorced (which actually will inevitably involve some sort of conflict, however well you handled it!)

So, I don’t think this is something you should sweat over at all, because as time goes by the kids will inevitably come into contact with various forms of conflict
As I say, I think at some point you may need to be explicit about your reasons for divorcing, because the confusion I can see is that what you and your ex have sounds like a very genuine friendship- you choose to spend time together and really enjoy it- which is the blueprint for a successful relationship, so it could confuse your children. Ironically, They may look at what you and your ex are like and feel that cant be what a good marriage is because you got divorced. So somewhere along the line they will need to learn that a good couple relationship is about really liking and having a strong friendship with your partner - but that there are also other essential ingredients which must be missing from your relationship with your ex.

Hope that makes sense!

Looks like that crossed with a few other posts saying pretty much the same thing!

I completely disagree with other posters and think you have a valid point. My parents never argued either. I remember being about 8 and them having a very minor disagreement in the car. They suddenly realised I was sobbing in the back seat and I asked them if they were going to get divorced. I thought if you argued once your relationship must be over.

It has taken me a long time but I still find raised voices, disagreements very very difficult to handle and my immediate reaction to shouting is to cry.

And I had siblings and we fought; but it is different where there is no model for problem solving in adult relationships.

It makes me sad that this forum has become so horrible. The sheer bitterness of some people on here, it's a real sham.e because it will put people off posting.

OP I assume that at some point one of you will get a partner a d that will almost definitely bring with it that dimension.

I worry about the opposite. I love DH but we argue a lot, it worries me - our son is only little but I was brought up on a very argumentative house and I dont want to the same for him.

Why did you divorce, given that things seem so great between the two of you (not goading, btw)?

Wow what a non issue.

The mind boggles

I don’t think it’s a bad thing.

They may well be learning to deal with life calmly, considerately and fairly.

Count your blessings, this really is a case of nothing is broken and nothing needs fixing.

Well coming from someone who had to put up with constant arguments from parents growing up I’d say your children are very lucky. As an adult now I have 2 dc of my own, my teenage dd and my ds who has special needs. My dd has to put up with conflict from her db every day. She struggles to cope and I feel so bad for her and worry it will affect her like my parents battles affected me. If I were you, who in my opinion has a very calm and relatively easy life, I’d be counting my blessings. But I suppose it’s all about perspectives.

Oh ffs why can't you just enjoy your perfect life,be happy that your kids Dad is still around for them and stop looking for problems that aren't there. So many struggling single mums would love to be in your position!

My parents never argued. Now I'm older I see it's because my mum makes some quite ridiculous demands and my dad always facilitates her. I don't think that's healthy. But I am grateful for growing up in a stable home environment.

Presumably they will ask at some point why you got divorced and you can explain that sometimes people have disagreements they can't resolve.

OP I have a couple of friends like you. What causes problems for their DD is not the lack of conflict, but her inability to understand why her parents aren’t together. Because they get on so well she thinks it must be her fault. Also she doesn’t understand why they couldn’t have stayed together and provided the same family unit for her that most of her friends have and feels bitterness towards them as a result. I think these are the sort of issues you need to be looking out for in your DCs, not worrying about the effect of lack of conflict.

I can’t quite understand why some posters are having a dig at you OP. Lack of imagination on their parts, perhaps.

I know exactly where you’re coming from.

I lived in a conflict free house and as a direct result have a hard wired dislike of conflict which means I put my own needs last both at home and work. I have to really make a conscious effort to engage in conflict. I do it because I’m not a walk over but I see colleagues all around me... male and female... who clearly have no such problems and sometimes do wish I could be similar.

My advice, OP, would be teaching your children to stand up for themselves and that their needs are important and it’s ok for them to say so, even if that means getting into conflict with people. That’s what I wish DM had done for me when I was growing up.

I get you OP. My parents hardly ever argued, but there was a lot of disagreement that they never seemed to discuss or work through.
What I learned from my parents is that you a) put up and shut up (lots of PA, now I look back) and b) you don't argue, fight back, or express yourself if there is conflict.
My DM was quite strict, and would not tolerate any kind of what she called rudeness, so I never learned to stick up for myself. It has taken me a long time to realise that my views matter.

Agree Lalliella. You explained clearly what I was trying to say above!

Children will inevitably experience various forms of conflict as they grow, so I don’t think that’s the primary issue here. I think more of a potential concern is whether they will be confused about what makes a good relationship. The OP and her ex appear to be living what seems a blueprint for a great relationship. So their children may well wonder why they split, and unless that’s explained explicitly to them, they may at best, be confused as to what the ingredients for a good partnership are. Or at worst, internalise things and in some way feel it must be their fault their parents aren’t together, since they can’t see any clear reason from the parents as to why they divorced

OP quite a few posters have asked you if the DC ever argue ?
Surely they're at the age where they might not get on at all times with regards to toys etc etc.
If they truly don't ever argue, bicker between themselves then I would in fact agree that it's something to be concerned about. I'm not talking fisticuffs but a little disagreement between siblings is expected.

I thought the same as Snapes - why did you split with your ex? Is there no chance of a reconciliation?

Also - I don’t mean this unkindly, Romax, but I think you have a naive view of conflict... as if all that matters is your children seeing mum and dad having a disagreement, and following it up with a nice neat discussion and a compromise as a solution.

The reality is rarely as neat as that. And looking at your situation, there are inevitably going to be potential future flash points. Just to give a couple of examples.... roll on a few years and your kids will be wanting to do more stuff with friends. What if they get invited to a sleepover one weekend? They may feel guilt because they’re missing either ‘your’ weekend or their dad’s. You said yourself that you miss the kids when you know they are doing fun stuff with their dad, and children are perceptive little things; they pick up on stuff like this. They don’t need to see two adults having a Barney to feel tension, perhaps guilt. They won’t want to feel they are letting either you or their dad down. That’s a relatively small example of future conflict. A bigger one would be, say their dad remarries and has more kids. Quite apart from changing the dynamic, there will be less money to go around. What if his new wife resents the fact he works hard full time and gives you such generous maintenance while you’re working part time with school age kids? That would be a more major potential conflict.

these specific scenarios may or may not happen. And if they do, there is still scope to deal with them as harmoniously as is possible rather than tearing each other to bits!

But my point is, I think you’re looking at a snapshot of how things are now, and worrying for very little reason when the reality is there will definitely be bumps aplenty along the road.

@englishdictionary
The point of the post was to make OP feel better about the fact she’s a single parent.

I think people are being harsh on OP (as they usually are on mumsnet threads), I think you have a valid point.

As in reality when they get into the real world they may be faced with conflict at that point and not know how to deal with it as an adult so I totally see where you are coming from.

I also think though as some others said you should be grateful for the lack of it. Growing up around domestic violence as a child I saw plenty of it and as a result I’ve grown to be quite an angry adult! Getting angry at the smallest of things, which my husband thinks is probably due to upbringing.

Perhaps get them into sports that can help them see friendly conflict, or enrol them on a debate club?

Surely at school they will encounter the skills to help them later in life. They’re not always going to agree with their classmates?