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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not going to nephew's holy communion

310 replies

ILCTM · 20/04/2019 21:04

We've been invited to my nephew's Holy Communion in a couple of weeks time - he's 7. It's my husband's sister's son and my husband says he doesn't want to go.

She's an Anglican Christian but it's being done in a Catholic church that her mum attends.

My husband was christened as a baby and attended church every Sunday, and he really resents it. He says that it should be up to the child to decide if they want to be part of any religion. He is an atheist and doesn't feel that anyone should be christened until they decide that they want to be, which I totally get.

I'm also not religious at all. The only people going to my nephew's Holy Communion are his mum (obviously) and his nan and grandad (who attend the church where he's being christened).

My husband's mum has said that he should respect the fact that it's his sister's choice to have her child christened and to receive holy communion and that he should go, but he says that he does respect her choice, but he says that she should respect his choice not to go as he doesn't agree with it.

My husband is very black and white, there is no in between. Is it unreasonable to not go? I do feel a bit bad, but then I'm not as black and white as him.

OP posts:
Original poster
ILCTM · 21/04/2019 08:07

This could run and run and run. I originally posted this for some respectful responses, not ones just calling my husband a twat and a dick and whatever else, which I find pathetic, immature, offensive and very unnecessary. A lot of the responses here actually make me think why should he go to something he doesn't want to go to when it goes against his beliefs.

If it was the other way round and we were having a service for our children that basically joins them to something that says how God isn't real, he doesn't exist, it's just a made up story, surely a religious person wouldn't want to go to that? Is there any difference?

My husband is respectful of his sister's decisions, that doesn't mean he has to be a part of them or agree with them. This isn't some big family gathering, it will be 5 members of his family (3 of which are religious - the other 2 being children). The rest of the people will be the regular attenders of that church.

And we do not indoctrinate our children one way or the other. We don't talk about religion. It is up to them to decide. As I've said, I feel religion is a personal choice. It's either for you or it isn't.

OP posts:
Shiverrrrmetimbers · 21/04/2019 08:40

@passthecherrycoke in 2013 less than 10% of people were christened and the number was still declining. So, yes, it is highly unusual that only 3 people you’ve ever met in your life are not christened. Statistically over 90% of people you know shouldn’t be.

10 ways christening has changed www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-24565994

Passthecherrycoke · 21/04/2019 09:09

I’m not sure how that’s relevant to people born in the early 80s? Maybe you misread my post

jt610 · 21/04/2019 09:55

How many of you who are Christians would be happy attending a ceremony that celebrates seeing a member of you family leaving the christian faith?

Why would he's sister invite him in the first place to attend something knowing he wouldn't enjoy? She's the one that sounds like a "dick" or "twat" to me.

How many of you think its ok to invite someone to something they wont like? And if they decline their the dicks...

Passthecherrycoke · 21/04/2019 10:27

“How many of you who are Christians would be happy attending a ceremony that celebrates seeing a member of you family leaving the christian faith?”

Does such a ceremony exist? I’ve never heard of anyone having one

jt610 · 21/04/2019 10:30

No, obviously theoretically speaking. Hmm

Passthecherrycoke · 21/04/2019 10:33

Then it’s a useless question isn’t it? People are used to be invited to religious ceremonies. Who knows how they’d react to being invited to a made up non existent event Hmm

IvanaPee · 21/04/2019 10:33

But why look for responses at all if you’re so sure he’s not doing anything wrong? Confused

jt610 · 21/04/2019 10:35

But outside of Christianity in some other religions there is a "ceremony that celebrates seeing a member of you family leaving"... in Islamic traditions that would be... Apostasy (death).

jt610 · 21/04/2019 10:40

To some Christians are/have been used to "invited to a made up non existent event" for thousands of years.

It seems some Christians just can accept another point of view.

Passthecherrycoke · 21/04/2019 10:41

Yes And If we had been receiving invitations for religion leaving ceremonies for thousands of years I’m sure most of us would be happy to attend.

Original poster
ILCTM · 21/04/2019 10:50

Passthecherrycoke: But that would mean sitting through something that is telling you everything you believe in is wrong.

I mean, isn't it you that said you're not religious but you want to get your children christened? Personally, I think that's insulting to Christianity, and almost like you would do it just as a status thing. Why on earth would you Christen your child if you aren't religious?

IvannaPee: I was looking for people's views, not to hear insults. I was open to other people's views. Now I feel like he is perfectly right to not go if that's his choice, because it seems pretty biased to me. It's almost like it's okay to be religious and atheists should respect that (which I agree with), but that it doesn't work the other way around. A little hypocritical.

OP posts:
JessieMcJessie · 21/04/2019 10:55

It was a different poster (DaneMum) who said she was an atheist but considering christening her twins. She came back to explain something about Danish culture supposedly making that OK.

Passthecherrycoke · 21/04/2019 10:55

No that wasn’t me. That was the danish poster, where it is a common part of her culture.

I don’t care if someone doesn’t believe the same as me. I would happily celebrate their awakening and new start. I don’t care what other people believe as long as it’s not unkind, racist, homophobic, sexist or xenophobic

IvanaPee · 21/04/2019 10:55

Ok. Well, good! It’s firmed up your thought then...

IdaBWells · 21/04/2019 11:10

PCohle marriage is considered a Sacrament in the Catholic Church (and Orthodox) but not others (other than some high Anglicans I will assume). You are right that when getting married in a Catholic church you promise to bring your children up Catholic.

However in the Catholic Church marriage is considering something that is part of the usual natural order (it existed before Jesus walked the earth) so as long as a marriage was between one woman and one man it will be considered a valid marriage, in whatever context as long as vows were made. It can be convalidated in a Catholic church at a later date if the couple join the church and they decide they would like their marriage to become Sacramental.

As a Catholic I would leave any guests free to choose whether they wanted to attend, it’s an invitation not a command.

For Catholics as communion is the center of the Mass after the Holy Scripture readings during the first part of the Mass (Liturgy of the Word) and we believe we are consuming the actual Body and Blood of Christ we don’t wish to leave our children out. All my three teenagers had their First Holy Communion and always go up willingly to receive communion every week. DH and I have left them free to choose if they want to be Confirmed, as that is the Sacrament where you make an adult choice to be a member of the body of Christ with all the responsibilities of a Christian life.

jt610 · 21/04/2019 11:18

"I don’t care if someone doesn’t believe the same as me. I would happily celebrate their awakening and new start."

But to some it's not an "awakening" its a step backwards.

JessieMcJessie · 21/04/2019 11:21

we believe we are consuming the actual Body and Blood of Christ we don’t wish to leave our children out

I feel my DS might get upset if we were to leave him out as DH and I ate a Viennetta. Actual body and blood I feel might get the same response as broccoli.

Passthecherrycoke · 21/04/2019 11:28

But to some it's not an "awakening" its a step backwards.

Alright whatever, I don’t really care. That’s their business. I would still attend

BuggerOffAndGoodDayToYou · 21/04/2019 11:35

My DCs both made their First Holy Communions but it was a religious occasion, not an excuse for a party and presents. The only other people who came each time were one grandfather (no living grandmothers and other GF not on country) and for DS his godparents (DDs godparents dead/emigrated). I told by brother that he would be welcome but totally understand that as a non believer he might not want to so he didn’t. I certainly would not feel put out that non believers wouldn’t want to go. The First Holy Communion Mass in my church takes around two hours.

donquixotedelamancha · 21/04/2019 11:41

It's almost like it's okay to be religious and atheists should respect that (which I agree with), but that it doesn't work the other way around.

I think a religious person who refused to attend a registry office wedding or a gay wedding or a communion in another denomination would get a much stronger response than you've had.

Bolshy replies are normal on AIBU- they don't make the argument any more right or wrong.

The bottom line is this- you and DH don't care for his DSis and DN enough to put aside you own views for an hour and celebrate with them. That's fine, but don't make out that you are in any way wronged by them and his parents feeling hurt.

The wise thing, having made the choice, would be to try to repair the relationship afterwards.

Passthecherrycoke · 21/04/2019 11:46

Last year I went to a wedding where, for the religious part, men and women were separated to worship separately. I don’t like this or agree with it, and wasn’t keen on my
Young daughter experiencing such segregation. However it was a friend of my husbands and I still went, it was a wonderful day, I was happy to be invited and it wasn’t about me. People compromise on their beliefs all the time

StatueService · 21/04/2019 11:58

Your husband is right. He's not kicking up a fuss, he's just not going.

He says that it should be up to the child to decide if they want to be part of any religion.

100% agree with this.

PCohle · 21/04/2019 12:08

But how old does someone have to be to decide to be part of a religion? Why does OP's husband get to decide that 7 is too young?

StatueService · 21/04/2019 12:44

When they can make their own choices.

Op's husband isn't deciding for the child, the childs parents are doing that. He's deciding for himself that he doesn't want to be part of it. Fair enough. He's not making a big drama over it, he's just not going.

DH was forced into church by his father and resented it. at 16/17 he explored it for himself for about a year, but found it wasn't for him, so he was old enough to make an informed choice.

I have 7yo's they are in no way old enough to make an informed decision.

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