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Original poster

Do you think you realised how hard marriage would be before you married

265 replies

Housewife212 · 18/04/2019 22:22

I think I was very naive

I thought things would fall into place like a romcom
Love dh but I definitely don’t think most people realise it’s work

OP posts:
TemporaryPermanent · 19/04/2019 16:13

I've been married twice and found it very tough both times, though with dh he was lovely but very ill which is different.

Givingup0nit · 19/04/2019 16:14

Wheresmymojo but the issue never came up at dating stage. In my 20s I didn't need that love and support, that recognition. I was fiercely independent / I knew who I married.

But after kids simultaneously ruining my body, my career and my freedom I needed more. More love, recognition and support. So as life changed I changed too. I had7 years to weed him out but at the time I didn't see the need.

Until death us do part is a long time and things change.

handslikecowstits · 19/04/2019 16:14

Illness has brought many challenges for us as a couple. Yes, this 'sickness' is part of marriage vows but living day to day with an ill spouse presents difficulties that neither of us envisaged.

Thankfully, we're both patient sorts when it comes to this kind of thing and even though my parents' marriage is abusive, DH's parents are as happy as pigs in shit and this has helped enormously.

It is fortunate that we like many of the same things and are quite homely, if that's the right word.

Has our relationship been 'hard'? Yes sometimes but that difficulty hasn't been the fault of either of us IYSWIM- no infidelities etc. just a body that doesn't work properly. It helps that DH is a saint, it must be said. Blush

amandacarnet · 19/04/2019 16:15

Nokidshere, we have bickered when life has been extremely hard. So when a-close relative was murdered I was irritable and lots of tiny things annoyed me. But my DP understood that I was in shock and grief. No we do not bicker when awful things are not happening.
Obviously I do not know you. But from the couples I do know, a long marriage does not mean it is a good one.
And yes I do think many or even most women have husbands who do less for their wives than their wives do for them. Most marriages are unequal. And if being married meant accepting that, I would be single. And I totally understand why those marriages are work.

Bythebeach · 19/04/2019 16:26

No because I had a long term (over 10 year) relationship with the father of DS1 and that taught me a lot about what traits I didn’t want to spend the rest of my life with. I was very certain why I was marrying DH - shared ideals, work ethic, yes bucket loads of attraction which at the point of marriage had endured through all the night wake ups of DS1 & 2 and to know that we would endeavour to work through the ups and downs. I even said in my wedding speech how easy it is to be in love when you’re child free and sharing wonderment at the world on the tops of mountains and trekking through jungles and on exotic beaches but that I was playing it very safe marrying someone who I still wanted to be with through night wakings, vomiting children and nappy changes. Several house moves, job changes, redundancy, a third child and a dog and 9 years on, tough stuff has happened but I still feel very lucky in our marriage and privileged that, with a bit of effort, we both gain so much from it.

BertrandRussell · 19/04/2019 16:31

I’m in a very long term relationship. We’ve had two crunch points-once when I did something very stupid money related and once when dp hurt his back really badly when dd was a baby. I think we both felt that our relationship was a source of strength as we dealt with other issues rather than something that needed to be worked on...

nokidshere · 19/04/2019 16:44

No we do not bicker when awful things are not happening

Ahh I wish Wink

I "bicker" when I'm tired, angry, stressed or just feeling particularly grumpy for whatever reason. It might or might not have anything to do with DH, more often due to outside annoyances. DH being understanding often makes me want to bicker more Grin. I don't always want or need understanding, sometimes I just want or need to rant and/bicker. Obviously you are a calmer person than me.

Aroundtheworldandback · 19/04/2019 16:53

I found my last marriage hard work as he was an abusive idiot. This marriage is not hard work at all, just enhances and adds to my life.

soupandasandwich · 19/04/2019 17:19

@CurlyhairedAssassin said pretty much what I would have said. I don't think it's necessarily the relationship that is hard work, more that life is. And yes, of course many of those events would happen whether or not you are married, but if your only experience of them is whilst married, I can easily see how some people would say it is marriage that is hard.
Bereavements, mc, redundancy, debt etc are all difficult enough to cope with when they occur one at a time, so how much harder must it seem when several happen at the same time? The worst time we had was when I was pregnant after several mcs. I had severe hg and the day we had planned to tell our parents that I was expecting, Dh had a phone call to say his ridiculously fit and healthy dad had literally dropped dead at work. Within a few days I mc'd one of the twins I was carrying. Then I spent the rest of my pregnancy in and out of hospital. We both needed support from the other, but we're emotionally wrung out and at times, unable to give that support. We did get through it because we knew each other well enough to know that it was circumstances rather than us that was causing any problems. But yes, those few months were very hard work.
We have been married almost 40 years now, didn't live together first, so the first few months were indeed, a lesson in learning to compromise. Apart from that one dreadful time in our lives, other outside issues have happened and we've always supported each other. And through it all, we love each other and enjoy being together.

corythatwas · 19/04/2019 17:37

What hard stuff though? I can’t think of anything that would need to be made easier.

For me it's mainly been stuff around our disabled and chronically ill dd. When she's had an emergency there's been 2 of us to take it in turns to sleep and stay with her, 1 of us has been able to deal with her treatment while the other runs the household and keeps the show on the road.

She had an emergency the other night: dh at once went to bed to sleep so he could drive up to get her when she was discharged (too ill for them to let her go home unaccompanied) while I stayed on the phone to her, found out what was going on and sorted out what she would need at home; then dh set off and I managed to get some sleep. Team work. Same when his mother was dying.

It's like working together on a project with a really good team: I can get more done while not having to stretch myself as thin.

When he had a busy time at work I took over the housework so he could always have clean clothes and home-cooked food; for the last 6 months I have been having a stressful time so he is doing the same for me. I can go home and slump without feeling guilty because I know he knows I will pull my weight when I can.

Doesn't mean it has to be for everyone. But that's how it works for me.

Amanduh · 19/04/2019 17:38

Takes work/effort, understanding and compromise? Yes. Hard? No. If it’s hard, it isn’f right.

Amanduh · 19/04/2019 17:39

*isn’t..

Giraffesarecool · 19/04/2019 17:42

I'm so glad others say it isn't hard!

I've not lived with anyone before my DP, we conceived after 8 months together (I know!) and nearly 3 years on we're super happy.

Don't get me wrong we do things differently but you learn to deal with it.

We're engaged but not yet married. I can't see how anything would change once married.

Nicolastuffedone · 19/04/2019 18:13

First year was great, second year, it was as if the novelty had worn off for me...no idea why but I felt stifled in a way and missed my single life (I was in my 30’s so not exactly young!!) but been married for 30 years and it’s fabulous!! We are just like two pieces of a jigsaw that fit together.

Tunnocks34 · 19/04/2019 18:47

I don’t feel Marriage is hard. Although I’ve only been married a short amount of time, but our relationship hasn’t changed.

We go through hard times, redunacey, the child we’re currently pregnant with being quite ill and having a bleak prognosis. Being together gives us strength though. I wouldn’t get through half of this in one piece without the undying support of my OH.

Notinmyduty · 19/04/2019 18:56

If anything I’m amazed by how not hard it is! My parents fought constantly and that was my hellish growing up normal - I did not want history to repeat itself and it hasn’t!

Robin2323 · 19/04/2019 19:03

I used to think 'love conquers all.
It doesn't.

We can all get complacent and take partners for granted.

After been in the honey moon period for 14 years I thought we were bullet proof.
We were not.
Bereavement, Empty nest and menopause, adult step child and job stresses all took their toll.
At20 plus years we hit a huge bump in the the road.

It was then I realised how lack of effort can effect a marriage.

It took a lot of hard work.
But we now have a marriage that is wonderful.

But it took work and I will keep putting the effort in now.

Givingup0nit · 19/04/2019 19:08

So Robin what work did you do and what effort did you make?

Someoneonlyyouknow · 19/04/2019 19:30

We hadn't lived together before marrying (you didn't back then) and we were both early 20s and I would definitely have said marriage was 'hard' sometimes in the first year or so. We discovered we didn't always see things the same way. We also discovered that's OK. I think I was still growing and changing as well so that was another adjustment. We have supported each other through some tough times and I wouldn't claim it has always been easy but I don't think it should always be hard work either. Parenting I think is a doddle!

yoursworried · 19/04/2019 19:34

Marriage has meant a lot more compromise than I had imagined - from both of us. This isn't a bad thing but is a thing we work at.

Crappygilmore · 19/04/2019 19:55

The first 15 years were a dream the last 9 hell on earth.

PrimalLass · 19/04/2019 20:01

It's not marriage you are talking about - it is living with another adult. The marriage bit makes no difference.

pointythings · 19/04/2019 20:13

Our marriage was easy for the first 14 years or so. Then my husband slid into alcoholism and it got very hard, until it ended.

Things change. People change.

Dishwashersaurous · 19/04/2019 20:15

Marriage isn’t hard at all it’s wonderful.

Children on the other hand.....

Timeforacupoftea · 19/04/2019 20:30

I don’t find children hard!