Do you think you realised how hard marriage would be before you married

[Housewife212]

I think I was very naive

I thought things would fall into place like a romcom
Love dh but I definitely don’t think most people realise it’s work

if you are 2 adults with common sense and a minimum of respect for each other

Because I’m an adult I acknowledge that it’s not for me.

Respect is the main thing.

I'm similar to a lot of other PPs....I don't find my marriage hard work.

I grew up in a family situation that was 'hard work' so one of my 'big' criteria for a long term relationship was that it had to be someone where our values clicked, that was easygoing and good at communicating. I knew I wanted my home to be a place of sanctuary and love and that I wanted a relationship where we always worked as a team.

I dated probably almost a hundred men in total...including one live in relationship before DH and we lived together for a couple of years before getting married.

I like having the freedom to do my own thing and have my own space so I knew (as an example) I needed to be with someone who was okay with that.

Plus we met in our mid-30s so we both knew who we were and what we needed from a partner by that time.

I can see that it would be harder work if you met and married younger than that as I've changed a lot and can't imagine being with some of the guys I had long term relationships with in my late teens and 20's.

It's not that our marriage is 'perfect' - there are little irritations on both sides that come with living with another person and their annoying habits and we occasionally snap at each other if we're tired or hangry but generally it's a pretty smooth ride.

Marriage in itself isn’t hard but having kids is.

Sharing your life with someone can be hard. That's why it's probably sensible to cohabit for a while before jumping into a legal binding. You only really know someone once you've lived with them IMO

What hard stuff though? I can’t think of anything that would need to be made easier.

Things like:

• Work problems: having someone at the end of the day who is on your side that you can chat things through with or perhaps they just make you dinner and give you a massage or run you a bubble bath at the end of a bad day

• Bereavement: When your parents die, someone is there to help with the practical stuff who isn't as consumed by grief. Someone is there to make sure you eat and to give you a hug.

• Housework and parenting - they do 50% of it, someone is there to take the kids when you need some time out to yourself or want to go out

I mean that's just practical stuff really but obviously there's emotional support and companionship too.

I know some people don't get these things in their marriage but I do, which is probably why I find it easy (and I know that sounds horribly smug but surely it's good for people to know good marriages exist, not just the ones that make it to the relationships board)

Gregory I have not had an easy life at all. My marriage has helped me get through some of the god awful times. That does not mean we have always been sweetness and light, we have bickered at times when outside life has been awful. But I am not sure I could have survived everything that has happened without the support of DP.

I do think living with someone else does not suit some people. And for some people choosing to live alone is the right choice.

I know some people don't get these things

Genuinely I don’t need those things though. I guess that’s the difference.

But DP andi also have similar values, including attitudes to money. And I think that makes a massive difference. If all you have really is sexual attraction, then yes you are going to find marriage hard.

Marriage isn't for everyone but I dont find marriage hard. Being married to DH is great were very happy with shared goals and ambitions in life.

Being a mum is hard but I always knew that would be the case

Been through some awful things and DH has been going through them too and we are stronger than ever. We dont sweat the small stuff and have a good time in each ithers company

I don't need them. I was single for years...but they're a nice bonus IMO.

I could totally do all that on my own (and have) but I can't deny that it's easier if someone is there to make your dinner on a shit day or go out and get you chocolate or give you a massage until you fall asleep.

And there's not much downside that comes with it (in my specific situation).

I could totally do all that on my own (and have) but I can't deny that it's easier if someone is there to make your dinner on a shit day or go out and get you chocolate or give you a massage until you fall asleep

See for me it’s not easier. It’s just totally undesirable. But then vive la difference

I have went through very tough times where I did need support. If I did not have DP or friends, I think I would have needed support through the mental health system.
I never understand those who say marriage is fine when you have an easy life, but not when hard things happen. I enjoy being with DP when life is easy, but I would be perfectly fine on my own and I suspect just as happy. It's when life is tough that I need emotional support and practical help from someone else. I suspect though there are a lot of marriages that drift along fine when general life is easy, but when things get hard,they find their partner is not really there for them after all.

Actually thinking about this some more, I wish I was confident enough when I was younger to BE single, rather than bowing to societal norms.

Not that I regret my marriage, but I wish I’d felt able to have options. I think DD is lucky to have various role models showing her that you don’t have to do what society expects you to.

I love being with my partner. But all this apologising and accommodating seems a bit odd.

Wheresmymojo well yes. But what if you only get that hug if you ask for it? Or they talk about their day then go off to practice their golf swing? What if wanting that support/affection/ demonstrable love requires very specific requests?
What if that's the 'work' but the 'work' makes you sad?

I've known him 20 years and been married over 10. Lived together first. The dawning realisation that this is it for the rest of my life means it's me that's changed. I need to feel loved before I die. I don't want that to have to require 'work' on my part.

I don’t know anyone who finds marriage easy. All my friends find aspects about it hard. Also divorce rates are extremely high, so not sure that this thread is entirely representative.
I find some aspects very easy, my DH is supportive with my very stressful job, very good with kids and housework, remembers all birthdays etc, is affectionate, always prioritises my needs for socialising/exercise, whilst working full time. But, we still have bad patches where we annoy each other and argue for no reason. We’ve worked on this and are getting much better at communicating and resolving things. But it has taken work and effort, and it doesn’t always go right. Life is stressful and that def puts strain on relationships at times.
It may have nothing to do with “being with the wrong person” but may be more to do with what people’s expectations are of marriage and whether the reality differs from these.

Strangely enough I find when the going gets tough, and it really has many times, he has never let me down and we have never argued.

Bertrand, I think many, or even most women are in marriages that are very unequal. That is what women mean by apologising and accommodating. And yes it must be hard to adjust to being treated unequally.

My marriage is not hard work at all: it's what keeps us going through tough times.

Wheresmymojo well yes. But what if you only get that hug if you ask for it? Or they talk about their day then go off to practice their golf swing? What if wanting that support/affection/ demonstrable love requires very specific requests?
What if that's the 'work' but the 'work' makes you sad?

Honestly, I wouldn't be in a relationship like that. I would've weeded that person out either at dating stage or, I guess worst case scenario, by living with them before marriage.

I know that (again) sounds smug. I was lucky to be raised by a strong feminist woman which meant that I had really high standards for a husband (not material standards or looks - I mean in terms of the type of person they needed to be).

I agree with a PP that a lot of women find marriage hard because they have husbands that don't expect to put much into a marriage but expect plenty out of it and women are generally conditioned to expect the opposite.

Sharing space with other people is, for me, exhausting. I regret getting married. Living together would have been fine and easier and simpler to call it a day when the wheels fell off.

I think the use of the words "hard work" is clouding people's replies. It's easy to wonder if it's really worth the effort when there's been a period of bickering, arguing, taking each other for granted, sleepless nights, work commitments and a million and one other things that encroach on normal life. No-one is perfect and we all need things sometimes that is just for us without having to consider another person.

There will be times when you aren't in the same place emotionally, or physically, and you will clash and butt heads. There will be times when one of you thinks you have done something nice but the other will be upset or massively irritated by it. Times when you clash over views or basics. All of this stuff can make you think "this is hard work" and wonder if it's worth the effort. The person you marry won't necessarily be the same person 2, 5, 10 years later. We all grow at different rates and our personal journey may or may not include the person you fell in love with. Outside influences also play a huge part in your personal journey.

We have been very happily married 32 years next week, and have been together for 36 yrs. There have been periods in our life that have been turbulent. We have had screaming rows, dissatisfaction with ourselves and each other, periods of personal growth that doesn't coincide with each other's. Times when we haven't been able to connect emotionally, periods of bickering and taking each other for granted. But those times are few and far between and we have communication, a mutual respect and love, and if I woke up tomorrow and he wasn't here I would be bereft.

I think the question you need to ask yourself is "am I here because I want to be". If the answer to that is yes then, with communication and making time for each other outside the daily chaos, you can work through the difficult times. The ability to support and accept another persons idiosyncrasies, emotions, fears, dreams and personal goals without losing yourself is a skill to be learned together.

Those people saying they don't understand what you mean by "hard work" are just being pedantic. There are very few couples who can go through life together without, at times, feeling hurt, unappreciated, and distant. We are human after all and our needs are never the same as someone else's no matter how much you love them.

A bit like me saying my teenagers are a doddle, as children they were easy and life with them has been a complete joy from then till now. Always slept, always ate, never tantrummed, always respectful, a delight now they are older. Most would roll there eyes and say "yeah right".... it's the same with marriage.

Miss mouse, why is it harder to call it a day because you are married? I know there are legal things to sort out, but my being married is conditional on how DP treats me and if it makes me happy. If you would be happier living alone, then live alone. Life is too short to live a certain way because of convention.

I didn't realise how quickly I'd fall into a routine and run out of new things to say.