Do you think you realised how hard marriage would be before you married

[Housewife212]

I think I was very naive

I thought things would fall into place like a romcom
Love dh but I definitely don’t think most people realise it’s work

“I’m not talking about someone who ‘constantly’ ‘hurts’ me. ”

I’m sorry- it was your use of the word “constantly” that threw me!

I'm not talking about major hurts - at least not every time. But you forgive all the injuries, or you try to, because you see the good in the other person, in the relationship, and you recognise that you hurt them too. This is not just in a marriage - any relationship that is deep and strong involves continual forgiveness, to me.

Maybe using the word forgive has made it seem like the hurts must be big things - maybe continual accommodation, or continual give and take, or cutting sack, is better. I forgive my mum every time she hurts me with an insensitive remark, or an undermining of my parenting, or a cross word because I know that I am not perfect in the relationship either and because I know that our closeness is worth more than my resentment or judgement of her. Ditto in my marriage. Only it seems like more work to forgive in a marriage, because the other person is still there, reminding you of whatever the hurt is, unlike mum where I can just leave and call her again in a few days when I feel better.

I don't find it hard either. You have to make an effort and work things out as part of drawing closer and deepening the bond, but I find that exhilarating not hard

I guess for me I don’t want any part of my life other than work to be “work”. I’m not interested in working at my home life, there’s just no desire there for me.

I think you grow by working on yourself. And it is hard to change, but I would like to be a better person when I die than I am now. Maybe not everyone finds it so hard to change!

I’d much rather be in a relationship where there is as little need for foregiveness on either side as possible...

Why is marriage hard? Mine hasn't been, but then we both went into it with clear reasons for wanting it to work and we both firmly believe that it is for life.

Meant to say before I posted my other message that we didn't live together for years before either. We married just under 6 months after meeting each other. We've now been married 21 years.

It's quite sad if you find marriage hard, that's not everybody's experience at all. Marriage is what supposed to make the other stuff, the hard stuff, easier!

I don't understand that constant need for compromise, loss of freedom and individuality. Having children yes, that would do it: they need a routine, a structure, to be fed and someone there. But if it's just 2 adults, you live your own life and share the best bits with your partner, you don't tip toe around some grumpy deity that holds the rules.

“ you don't tip toe around some grumpy deity that holds the rules”

Sadly I think many women do....

Marriage is what supposed to make the other stuff, the hard stuff, easier!

What hard stuff though? I can’t think of anything that would need to be made easier.

I've found marriage really tough so far. We've been married three years. Had one late MC, babies (who are both still under 3) and now dh is a full time student. Financially things are tough, looking after two babies is tough and changing our circumstances has been tough.

When we strip life away and catch up of an evening I remember why we got married and who the man I love really is.

For me, it's been the life changes since marriage that have been hard rather than the marriage. It's brought about much conflict and adjustment but we're getting there

For me, the hard times have been extraneous to my marriage. And my marriage has seen the best and worst times of my entire life: loss of parents; loss of babies to repeated miscarriage; toxic in-laws; horrible emotional rollercoasters; sexual abuse and harrassment; depression and cPTSD.

It was my marriage, and the stability it offers me, that saved me. We've survived all this as a couple and emerged from the rough times into a place of peace and equilibrium. Admittedly I sometimes long for the headiness of passion, but wouldn't exchange what I have for that, or for all the uncertainty that inevitably comes with it.

It's life itself that is hard work, IME.

“What hard stuff though? I can’t think of anything that would need to be made easier.”
The external stuff maybe? Work problems, bereavement.....
But i’m nor married so maybe it’s different for me

Work problems, bereavement.....
But i’m nor married so maybe it’s different for me

None of those would be any different though....

I run my own business, bereavement is part of life etc etc

What hard stuff though? I can’t think of anything that would need to be made easier.

if I look back at my ow last 10 years, the hard staff was a couple of redundancy and an asshole boss who got the door slammed in his face, friends lost in a car crash, relative really ill, a baby who died before she was even born, supporting friends whose little child got a terminal diagnostic with no hope whatsoever. The normal stuff, life.
There has been more good than bad thankfully, and I am even more glad I had someone to share the good with.

I wouldn't say it's been hard at all but dh and I are very alike which has both positives and negatives. It means there are few arguments about holiday destinations, what to watch on tv and how to spend our weekends but it also means we have to have a schedule for domestic things as neither of us see that as being particularly important so tend to forget. We ran out of clean spoons more than once before we had dc.

I think in terms of adjusting to living together, we've done that since our first date nearly 20 years ago as he had already decided he was going to marry me and just moved in (he's not as controlling as that sounds and he did pay the rent) so by the time we got married, we knew what we were letting ourselves in for. Plus I'd just come out of 4 years of living with other students at University and the fact that I'd finally got a housemate who wasn't trailing a procession of half naked randoms through the kitchen every weekend , drinking far too much vodka and peach schnapps and vomiting on the neighbours or leaving their knickers drying in the sitting room was a bonus.

We argue occasionally but never over anything important because luckily we have shared views on most things. When I've needed him (the psychosis episode I had after dc1 was born/when my df died last year whilst I was heavily pregnant etc) he's always stepped up and vice versa.

My parents marriage looked like hard work though, constant arguments and apart from physical attraction I'm not sure what they had in common until they had a child together and felt they had to stick at it.

The normal stuff, life

That’s my point though, it’s just life - stuff that happens whether you’re single or not. It’s such an individual thing as to whether having a relationship would make that stuff easier.

I don't think it's hard either?

stuff that happens whether you’re single or not. It’s such an individual thing as to whether having a relationship would make that stuff easier.

true, but that was the point. The whole point of my marriage was to make everything easier, and it has and it still does.

We moved in together simply because it was easier to have all our stuff at the same place and it would give us more freedom, we got married because we wanted to make our own life easier and wanted to be together. Simple.
Marriage is not hard. Having kids change the way we have to live, as it should be, getting married didn't change anything and never forced us to endless compromises and arguments.

Marriage is not hard. Having kids change the way we have to live, as it should be, getting married didn't change anything and never forced us to endless compromises and arguments

But living with someone always has to bring compromise, whether it’s small things or not.

if you are 2 adults with common sense and a minimum of respect for each other, it's hardly a big deal. I never understood the arguments or complaints about food for example (I have to cook, I can't eat what I like, I don't want to make diner but I have to?), you are both adults, what is that all about?

My parents had a very dysfunctional marriage. I was well prepared to deal with a difficult marriage but it has been relatively ok for me. I struggle in that I dislike the codependent nature of marriage but I am always aware that when difficulties arise we have to work together to make the most of that codependency. I think that a lot of people find marriage easy purely because they have easy lives and then divorce when difficulties arise because they don’t know how to work together or they find marriage easy because they aren’t the party putting in the hard work. We knew there would be a period when our life would be difficult so we prepared for it and by and large we are doing an ok job but I do seem to do most of the work in regards to managing the marriage but then again that’s where my talents lie. Obviously if I find at some point that my husband is making our life difficult then I’ll jist leave him but working together against a common problem, while difficult, is part and parcel of a long marriage. I think that many people fail to recognise that when problems arise in a marriage neither party is the cause, it’s more a case of both parties failing to manage things (their own emotions/experectations etc as well of their partner’s). If there is at least one person keeping everything under control it’s all fine in the end-the key is to not resent having to do that work.

I'm not convinced people should normally be finding marriage "hard" if there isn't a serious underlying problem. Sure there will be difficult things that come up; issues with children, illness, bereavement, money troubles, but I don't think the normal getting on with someone day to day should be hard. I put up with my abusive STBXH for a long time believing that marriage is "hard" because he was so awful day to day, with absolutely no reason or excuse. After I got the courage to leave him, I realised it wasn't really anything to do with marriage being hard, he was just an arsehole.

I do not find day to day hard work at all.

I do however find it hard work when a lot of stress is involved but I think that's down to both our personalities and how we both initially deal with it. It always works out, maybe takes a few days but we will see each others point of view.. eventually.

I read that 'we don't choose to fail in live but we choose to stay in love' because there is always work involved when we go through different life stages, growing as individuals while staying together.

We are not 'one', we are 2 seperate people who chose to live our lives together. Love is not enough.