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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Birthday present for DSD- should it stay here?

234 replies

neverendingflorist · 18/04/2019 16:14

For my DSD birthday me and my DP got her a TV. She stays with us every other weekend. As it is a TV we planned for it to stay here in our house in her bedroom. DSD seemed really happy with present and didn't ask to take it with her.

When she went home we got a really angry text from her mum saying we are selfish for getting her a TV and making her keep it at our house, that the TV was for our benefit more than DSD as she was only here every other weekend, that she couldn't believe we would do that to her and that she was going to come and collect it to take to her house so DSD could actually use her present.

So were we being unreasonable to do this? Should she take the TV? Really unsure whether we should let her. My gut says no but wanted to get other opinions.

OP posts:
turnaroundbrighteyes · 19/04/2019 10:00

Did you get her any other gifts? It seems bit harsh if it's her main gift and she can only use it 2/14 days, but if she had other gifts that can go back and forth with her, but the TV was for her room at yours that sounds okay.

HairycakeLinehan · 19/04/2019 10:03

It’s not a point scoring exercise @Hanab
She’s only at her dads house twice a month.
Nice as a gesture, to buy a tv for her room there. Mean and petty and a birthday gift as she can only use it twice a month.

Thank god my ex and his DP aren’t like some of you here. DDs things are hers and hers alone. Such greedy grabby petty attitudes to a child’s birthday gift.

alittleprivacy · 19/04/2019 10:05

Why would you buy her a a tv that she can only use 2 nights out of 14. It's not truly a gift for her in that case. Most kids are going to want to be able to use their tv 12 night out of 14 rather than just 2. It's like a tease to give it to her and to expect her to keep it at your house.

HairycakeLinehan · 19/04/2019 10:10

It's like a tease
My friends ex brings his kids to big toy shops and lets them choose their favorite things, then doesn’t let them take them home to their mothers house, where they live. So mean and I had thought he was the minority but some of these replies have made me see just how common that attitude is! Yuck.

reallyanotherone · 19/04/2019 10:11

Why would you buy her a a tv that she can only use 2 nights out of 14. It's not truly a gift for her in that case. Most kids are going to want to be able to use their tv 12 night out of 14 rather than just 2

Because 10 year olds shouldn’t be watching tv 12 nights out of 14?

Having the tv at dads house means she can’t watch it on school nights, it’s an occasional weekend treat.

I wouldn't want a tv in my 10 year olds bedroom. At dads, nanny’s or other weekend stay, not a problem.

motherofdxughters · 19/04/2019 10:11

I also understand where the mother is coming from here. I wouldn't dream of getting a present for DSS that he couldn't take home with him where he lives the majority of the time.

Whisky2014 · 19/04/2019 10:12

The the should stay at yours in her room.

reallyanotherone · 19/04/2019 10:15

t's like a tease to give it to her and to expect her to keep it at your house.

It was dd that asked for a tv for her room at dad’s house, if you read up thread.

Whisky2014 · 19/04/2019 10:15

And the fact the mother stated it just be for your benefit is telling. She's basically jealous and wants the tv for her benefit!

HairycakeLinehan · 19/04/2019 10:17

I think it’s sadder than she’d be cooped up in her room watching it when she is only at her dads for such a limited time @reallyanotherone but that’s not really the issue. You wouldn’t really buy a birthday gift if you were going to limit its use to twice a month would you?
My DD would love a console, but she won’t be getting one here or her dads house because it would be pointless and cruel and we would be limiting it so severely (she’s only 8)

spreadingchestnuttree · 19/04/2019 10:19

Those who think it's mean, or a tease, would you feel the same about buying a trampoline or climbing frame for the garden? Is that mean because she could only use them alternate weekends?

HairycakeLinehan · 19/04/2019 10:22

As a birthday gift, yeah I’d feel the same.
Twice a month is nothing, I bring DD out to jump places twice a month but I wouldn’t tell her it’s her birthday gift.

ChicCroissant · 19/04/2019 10:41

Those who think it's mean, or a tease, would you feel the same about buying a trampoline or climbing frame for the garden? Is that mean because she could only use them alternate weekends?

Yes, if it was presented as a gift. Presents don't usually have restrictions as they are your personal property. If it's not a gift, fine.

QueenoftheBiscuitTin · 19/04/2019 10:42

I think it was a poor gift choice, but it's done now. Ask DSD which bedroom she'd like to have it in and if she says her Mum's, then you'll know to get her a gift she can transport easily next time.

MrsLinManuelMiranda · 19/04/2019 10:45

YANBU OP. If you sent it home I could imagine her mother then saying. " DD has a TV in her room at mine, so it is only fair that she has one at your house too, please buy her one" At present does your DSD have access to another TV at her DM's house that she can watch her own choice of program on if her DM is watching other stuff? Also do you have other children in your home who have their own TVs?

Original poster
neverendingflorist · 19/04/2019 10:57

Why would you buy her a a tv that she can only use 2 nights out of 14.

I would just like to say again that she is here more than 2 nights out of 14. She is here every other weekend but it is a long weekend i.e. Thursday to Monday so she is actually here 5 days out of 14. We actually want to get contact time of every other week for the whole week so hopefully that will happen soon.

She also will NOT be cooped up watching the TV constantly when she is here. We always spend time out doing something or some activity like baking at home. The TV is just for watching 30 mins here and there between doing things.

Also just because the TV is wall mounted we can unmount it if it needs to be moved. It just would not be feasible to do every time she moves.

And even though DSD asked for it to be wall mounted here and we did it because we presumed at the time it would be definitely staying here, we are now thinking that maybe she wanted it up for the weekend and then to take it with her, or did not realise how fiddly it would be to move it constantly, hence why I asked the question.

Anyway we will be asking DSD what she wants to do with the TV next time we see her so we have a clear answer.

OP posts:
HairycakeLinehan · 19/04/2019 11:02

Anyway we will be asking DSD what she wants to do with the TV next time we see her so we have a clear answer.

I think that’s a good idea OP, though ask unbiasedly and casually because DC can too often want to give “the right” answer.
Fair play for even asking and being willing to recognizing DSD choices. So many fist bashers on this thread clearly wouldn’t!

SleepingStandingUp · 19/04/2019 11:09

Tbh 5 days out of 14 for 30 minutes here and there VS 9 days out of 14 and potentially much more time in her room - I'd let her take it and get the most use out of it.

You're doing the right thing asking though, it is hers afterall

Hanab · 19/04/2019 11:34

OP I don't get some people on these forums .. damned if you do damned if you don’t .

No one can win!
It’s cruel to do this and that! Seriously???
Cruel??

Cruel is abuse!
A TV is a privilege!

Her dad bought it, it is for HER sole use when she is at HIS home!

dang! No matter what someone does with good intentions they always gets slated!

As people say on these forums what happens at 1 parents house the other has no control over.. so if the kid gets to visit and do whatever dad wants when the are with him .. he then too has a right to buy her something that she will only use when she is with him ( seeing that it is a big item) and vice versa.. if mum bought the tv would she let the daughter cart it off to dad’s ?

Some items are for special occasions or treats .. one can’t have everything everywhere.

spreadingchestnuttree · 19/04/2019 11:35

I don't really see a tv as something you need to get "the most use out of" though. Personally I'd be happier my DC having a TV in their rooms alternate weekends than every day.

And I'd be quite annoyed if someone else bought them bedroom TVs that were brought back to my house. But clearly your dsd's mum feels differently 🤷‍♀️

19lottie82 · 19/04/2019 11:35

Surely it’s your DSDs property and she can keep where she likes, it’s not up to you or her DM?

HairycakeLinehan · 19/04/2019 11:41

@Hanab you could do with taking a leaf out of OPs book tbh.

Her dad bought it, it’s for HER sole use when she is at HIS home

Ugh, this is precisely the red faced fist banging replies I was referring to earlier. What a negative way to give a gift!

Good on you for recognizing DSDs gift as her gift and giving her the choice OP.
It obviously didn’t come from a bad place from yourself or her dad as you’re both clearly wondering what’s for the best, unlike the pettiness and greed displayed by some!

IncrediblySadToo · 19/04/2019 12:09

She opened it as a wrapped present and wanted it on the wall as her friend has one like that. So we went and bought things to mount it to the wall

There is your answer.

Do not ask her where she wants it, she WAS clear. On her wall, like her friends. SHE sees her room with you as HER room.

Do. Not. allow batshit screamy Mum to destroy that by making HER home DD’s ONLY Home.

Just don’t.

ColdTattyWaitingForSummer · 19/04/2019 12:12

I think it’s lovely that in this case the op is going to ask her dsd what she wants. But I don’t think it’s fair to call those of us who co-parent in different ways cruel. It works for us that 90% of things stay in the household that bought them. None of us have unlimited space, so maybe that’s relevant, and also I think it helps the ds’s feel they have two homes. Not criticising if you do it differently, just that there’s nothing wrong with our way either.

IncrediblySadToo · 19/04/2019 12:13

No one moves a TV between houses. You bought her a TV to make her room nicer for her when she’s at YOUR house.

If a non split family bought a child a TV for their birthday they wouldn’t allow the child to take it elsewhere, say the childminders, simply because they had more time to watch it there.

It’s not a cuddly toy, it’s a large TV for HER bedroom at your house.