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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Birthday present for DSD- should it stay here?

234 replies

neverendingflorist · 18/04/2019 16:14

For my DSD birthday me and my DP got her a TV. She stays with us every other weekend. As it is a TV we planned for it to stay here in our house in her bedroom. DSD seemed really happy with present and didn't ask to take it with her.

When she went home we got a really angry text from her mum saying we are selfish for getting her a TV and making her keep it at our house, that the TV was for our benefit more than DSD as she was only here every other weekend, that she couldn't believe we would do that to her and that she was going to come and collect it to take to her house so DSD could actually use her present.

So were we being unreasonable to do this? Should she take the TV? Really unsure whether we should let her. My gut says no but wanted to get other opinions.

OP posts:
Original poster
neverendingflorist · 18/04/2019 18:39

Thank you everyone for your responses.

I haven't finished reading through them all yet but I just want to say I do feel a bit upset about people suggesting that our home isn't also DSDs home. She may only stay every other weekend but it is Thursday - Monday and we would love for her to come more. This is 100% her home too.

Also the TV is quite big. Not huge but too big to be moving around constantly and it is also mounted to the wall.

OP posts:
daisypond · 18/04/2019 18:41

There’s the difference, then. To me, a TV is definitely not “furniture”.

Original poster
neverendingflorist · 18/04/2019 18:46

We didn't tell DSD that she had to keep the TV here, but we also didn't ask her if she would like to take it. We just presumed (maybe wrongly) that it would be staying here and DSD seemed perfectly happy with that and didn't ask to take it.

OP posts:
SomethingStupidSomethingGreat · 18/04/2019 18:46

If it's a gift for dsd then surely it's up to her where she has it? I'd think it'd make more sense for her to have it where she spends the majority of her time and where it would get the most use.
I'd say the mother is being unreasonable by her outburst though.

CalleighDoodle · 18/04/2019 18:51

did she open it as a wrapped present, or was it already mounted to the wall?

Alsohuman · 18/04/2019 18:52

You didn't tell her it has to stay at your house, yet it's wall mounted? That's a pretty clear message of intent!

steff13 · 18/04/2019 18:54

Does she have her own room at her mother's house?

MyCatHatesEverybody · 18/04/2019 18:54

That's the problem when you say EOW - people will assume it's the absolute minimum unless you specify otherwise. You might have had different responses had you originally said so don't take the replies to heart.

Original poster
neverendingflorist · 18/04/2019 18:56

It does not need to be wall mounted, it just can be. But it would be really inconvenient to put it up and take it down every time she moves house.

She opened it as a wrapped present and wanted it on the wall as her friend has one like that. So we went and bought things to mount it to the wall. It can equally be placed in a stand.

OP posts:
Original poster
neverendingflorist · 18/04/2019 19:01

She is 10. I deliberately didn't include her age in the OP because I did not want to get into a discussion about whether they should have a TV in their room at that age. Her dad and I discussed it and he decided that she could have one with limited use (as in she can't always be in her room watching TV)

OP posts:
Original poster
neverendingflorist · 18/04/2019 19:02

If you can afford it then I'd buy a second TV so she has one for her dads and one for her mum.

We definitely will not be buying her a second TV.

OP posts:
Smumzo · 18/04/2019 19:02

Absolutely no way I'd be giving in to a text demanding anything. That would not be a good precedent to set. It's not something easily portable. It was bought as a piece of furniture for her room at dads. And there it stays. There are no rules despite what others may think. Some stepfamilies have everything go back and forth some have none. It's up to you but it's not up to the mum to demand anything. Nope.

MrsBertBibby · 18/04/2019 19:03

OP I would abandon thread. Stepmothers are invariably wrong on Mumsnet. Homewrecking harridans who are simultaneously cruel and neglectful whilst secretly stealing away the hearts of the innocent babes. Separated dads are deadbeats, generally assumed to be abusive, invariably dismissed as incompetent, and simultaneously plotting to steal the children away from their rightful keeper whilst not giving a shit about them.

You really can't win.

HairycakeLinehan · 18/04/2019 19:04

Really rubbish birthday gift then OP, sorry.
It would be a nice gesture if that’s all it was meant to be. Shit gift though.

InceyWinceyette · 18/04/2019 19:08

It is not a ‘shit gift’ and actually a TV is a very generous gift for a 10 yo.

And if she wanted it wall mounted she clearly didn’t expect it to go to her Mum’s Confused

asprinklingofsugar · 18/04/2019 19:09

I don’t think it’s a shit gift. I got a tv (old square type) for my room when I was 10, as a birthday present. I was delighted with it even though it definitely wasn’t the coolest tv going!

morallowground · 18/04/2019 19:09

I 100% would not be expecting my dd to bring home a tv from her dads house if he bought her one so I don’t think YABU.
As you said it’s her home too so why shouldn’t she have things there. Having a room and a TV in it will give her a sense of belonging there, if you buy her presents and don’t allow her to keep them there it’s like you’re hiding her.

Tbh I think this is probably one of those situations where you would’ve never won, if you’d sent her home with it you’d have probably been in the wrong for assuming her mum hasn’t gotten her one.

HairycakeLinehan · 18/04/2019 19:10

a TV is a very generous gift for a 10 yo.

What different ideas we have of generous.

morallowground · 18/04/2019 19:11

I also don’t think it’s a shit gift, I don’t see what’s wrong with it.

HairycakeLinehan · 18/04/2019 19:12

@asprinklingofsugar so did I and I loved it (used to secretly watch Eurotrash at night though 😱)
But giving someone a birthday gift they can’t access 86% of the time is shit

Youseethethingis · 18/04/2019 19:16

And there we have the answer, after 7 pages - the DSD in question specifically requested that HER new TV be wall mounted on HER wall in HER room at HER home with HER father. No need for further fuss and certainly no need to humour her mother either.

PunkAssMoFo · 18/04/2019 19:20

Keep it at yours. I would sugest that if dsd’s mum wants her to have a tv in her room at home, then she should buy her one for the next gift occasion. I suspect that If you had given it to her to take back to her mums, she would’ve called up irate that you hadn’t consulted her about dsd having a tv in her room and you shouldn’t have done it.

MyDcAreMarvel · 18/04/2019 19:24

I can see why you didn’t mention her age sooner, why would get a ten year old a tv for their room? I assumed 14/15.

PanamaPattie · 18/04/2019 19:24

Sounds like a lovely present.

Katterinaballerina · 18/04/2019 19:31

It’s a nice present. It’s not the kind of gift you take from house to house. From the way she reacted, I’d imagine that if you’d sent it home with your SD you’d have had a phone call from her mother ranting about your presumption. If she shared a room with your DC and they got the benefit of it the other 22 days a month she’s not there it would be unfair. She doesn’t.

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