Birthday present for DSD- should it stay here?

[neverendingflorist]

For my DSD birthday me and my DP got her a TV. She stays with us every other weekend. As it is a TV we planned for it to stay here in our house in her bedroom. DSD seemed really happy with present and didn't ask to take it with her.

When she went home we got a really angry text from her mum saying we are selfish for getting her a TV and making her keep it at our house, that the TV was for our benefit more than DSD as she was only here every other weekend, that she couldn't believe we would do that to her and that she was going to come and collect it to take to her house so DSD could actually use her present.

So were we being unreasonable to do this? Should she take the TV? Really unsure whether we should let her. My gut says no but wanted to get other opinions.

I see mums POV

For one it belongs to DsD and she should be allowed to have to where she will get most use

And two it feels like you are playing gift top trumps- at OUR house DSD you have a telly in your room but your mum can’t/won’t buy you one at home so look how much better it it is at OUR house.

It also hugely u declines the whole two houses two lives situation. You wouldn’t buy her shoes and only let her wear them at your house?

Underlines

The rules in our (split) family are presents bought by the parent/their family remain at that parent's house. Suppose it depends how you've normally organised birthdays?

Angry text saying she's collecting it? Fuck all.

Nice call saying DD would love to have it where she is most of the time if that's OK? TV would move house.

Sounds like Mum is rather bitter. If she is, then I imagine she does think it is a case of 'top trump gifts'.

If DSD didn't ask then DSD's mother needs to shut up.

Bit of a shit gift if it has to stay somewhere other than her actual home
I hate this business of kids things not being allowed go with the actual child, makes me picture the parents as the greedy spoiled sport who takes his ball home so nobody else can play.

I agree it should go home with her.

Maybe dm is worried dsd will start to appreciate her bedroom at your house more than at hers?
My dc always kept stuff I bought at my home after exh started flogging their stuff off!!

If my dds dad bought her a tv I wouldn't expect it to come home with her!
If i was you I would say no for the pure fact she's demanded and kicked off saying she's coming to collect it. If the mum had asked properly or the dd asked herself I'd of said yes she can take it home.

completely reasonable to buy her a gift to be kept in your house.
If you buy her a lovely bedroom set, she wouldn't take it to her mother's house because she spends more time there either!

The birth mother seems jealous and have issues with her daughter being happy in your family!

Feel sorry for DSD tbh as it sounds like her mum is still very bitter. Hazarding a guess that DSD innocently told her about the tv on being asked what her present was, it possibly trumped what she had for her birthday from her mum and mum saw red and sent the text while angry and upset. How your DP reacts is crucial now to not further inflame a sore point.

Going against the grain here - she’s only at yours every other weekend, so I would have probably given it to her and said “you can have it here or take it to your mums”

That said, the mums message was ridiculous and out of order!

She’s with you 2/14 days as far as I can work out? Therefore she’s at her main home 85% of the time.

IMO the TV should go to her mums.

I would expect it be kept at yours as she does spend time there. Her mother sounds jealous. Its not hard to get a tv for free either so why doesn't her mother do that.

If she doesn't have a TV in her room at home, then I think it should go to her mum's house, where she spends 86% of her time.

Mum is a rude bitch for making demands though.

If it's not a huge screen, would bringing it with her be feasible? Or saying something like you (well your DH) will match her saving her allowance to buy a secondhand TV to use when she's staying over with you? You should be able to get a decent secondhand of reasonable size for under £100.

I think it depends really if she has her own t.v. at home if she doesn't she will only use it at yours for two days a fortnight if she does than obviously it stays at yours ,it's her tv at the end of the day.

If she has no tv in her room at home, and that's where it would be kept, then not too unreasonable to take it there if that's the house where she spends most of her time.

So her dad's house is not also her home?

Of course it is her home and of course the TV should stay there.

I have a lovely DSS and could imagine this precise situation happening to us. I have a dear friend who advised me some years ago
Never to insist on a gift living in a particular location but rather to let that be the child’s free choice with no strings. We’ve adopted that approach ever since and it’s honestly the least stress free and happiest option for everyone, and the in particular your DSD.

I think the mother's text was far too aggressive as well, but you have - deliberately, I think - bought a gift she can't use very much. If I was buying a gift, I'd want something they could use more often than every other weekend and a TV is something that you'd expect to be used more than that!

• least stress option

Yanbu op, what's next ? Is she going to insist the next time you get dd a new bed that it goes back and fourth? It sounds like shes got misplaced jealousy maybe she cant afford to treat dd in that way

And I can kind of see the mum's point of view ,my dh,daughters mum has been hugely unreasonable over the years regarding access etc but whatever dh gives his dd for birthday and Xmas presents is hers to do what she wishes with .

It does sound a bit mean and pointless to give her a TV then tell her she can only use 4-6 times a month.

The birth mother
The what now?!