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Original poster

Birthday present for DSD- should it stay here?

234 replies

neverendingflorist · 18/04/2019 16:14

For my DSD birthday me and my DP got her a TV. She stays with us every other weekend. As it is a TV we planned for it to stay here in our house in her bedroom. DSD seemed really happy with present and didn't ask to take it with her.

When she went home we got a really angry text from her mum saying we are selfish for getting her a TV and making her keep it at our house, that the TV was for our benefit more than DSD as she was only here every other weekend, that she couldn't believe we would do that to her and that she was going to come and collect it to take to her house so DSD could actually use her present.

So were we being unreasonable to do this? Should she take the TV? Really unsure whether we should let her. My gut says no but wanted to get other opinions.

OP posts:
Unihorn · 18/04/2019 19:33

We bought 8yo DSD a TV with DVD player for the weekends she's with us so she could occasionally watch her cartoon DVDs in bed when we're watching more boring adult stuff after 8pm or in the morning before we get up. She's with us 30-40% of the time depending on her parents' shifts. I would never in a million years have expected her to want to take it to her mum's. What a bizarre idea!!

BarrenFieldofFucks · 18/04/2019 19:51

What's shit is being needlessly rude to someone in an attempt to feel somehow big.

There's nothing shit about a TV, especially bought to make someone you love feel welcome.

VanGoghsDog · 18/04/2019 19:57

they dont have shared care. he has her four nights a month

How is that not shared? Do you need a dictionary?

Anyway, the OP has clarified, it's more than that.

RainbowWaffles · 18/04/2019 20:05

We bought 8yo DSD a TV with DVD player for the weekends she's with us so she could occasionally watch her cartoon DVDs in bed when we're watching more boring adult stuff after 8pm or in the morning before we get up. She's with us 30-40% of the time depending on her parents' shifts. I would never in a million years have expected her to want to take it to her mum's. What a bizarre idea!!

Was it a birthday or Xmas present though? And if she did have the idea that she wanted to take it to her mum’s if she didn’t have one there, bizarre or not, what would you say?

The text from the mum was batshit, no question about that. The issue to me really is whether or not DSD wants the tv at her mum’s or not. I think it should be up to her.

Futureisland · 18/04/2019 20:13

Did you know she didn't have a tv at her mums?

In an ideal world parents and step parents would discuss presents with each other before hand. Although, judging by this mums text she might not be the easiest person to talk with.

It's just the not having a tv at her mums house (where she is the majority of the time) that makes me think this is all a bit unfair. Just your step daughter next time you see her what she would prefer since it is her gift.

Smumzo · 18/04/2019 20:16

Imagine sending a tv back to the mums...you'd have had the how dare you send this thing here! It's really furniture. It doesn't travel. Same thing as buying her a new bedding set or bed. It's meant to stay in that house which IS also her home. EOW is the standard contact arrangement.

Belittling it and saying it's not her "real" or "main" home is shit. If that's the case then would it be ok to use her room for other purposes as she's hardly there anyway? Imagine the outrage if a stepmother posted that is wasn't her DSDs main home so sod or she's going to use a blow up bed in the lounge!

ColdTattyWaitingForSummer · 18/04/2019 20:23

I’m normally on the side of the resident parent, but on this occasion YANBU. I always thought the general gist was (certainly in my family and others I know) is that it stays at the house of the parent that bought it. Truly portable things (like a phone or a tablet) or unique things (like a teddy they can’t sleep without) can go back and forth, but toys, shoes, clothes, tvs(!) belong in the home they were bought in. It’s only fair, and ensures the child has stuff in both their homes.

Hanab · 18/04/2019 20:23

Why is everything so difficult? You bought the gift .. she has a room she will use it..
mum surely can buy her own ..

Kids are easy its the adults who make things difficult ..

🤷🏻‍♀️

ALannisterInDebt · 18/04/2019 20:25

I think it's lovely that you have bought her a tv for her room in your home. The tricky thing is that you made it her birthday present, she's obviously excited to have one like her friend does but then she can only have it EOW.

When you bought it did you & DH discuss the possibility she may expect to take it away with her?

Bbang · 18/04/2019 20:53

I don’t understand the issue, OP has come back and said DSD wants it in her room at dads house mounted on the wall.

There is the answer. It’s really quite simple.

It’s also not a shit present, it’s a lovely present an DSD sounds thrilled with it.

Dad has no obligation to furnish mums house, that’s her responsibility and it sounds like mums asking not DSD.

Also really love how on any other thread it’s all ‘dads home is the step child’s home too’ but yet on this one it’s not and only mums home is important, and only mums home is DSD real home so dad should send his gift there.

Get a grip, so much hate for NRP and SP, just awful.

EmeraldShamrock · 18/04/2019 21:05

After your update OP, leave the TV where it is. Ask DSD the next time she visitors, at 10 she should be open with you.
I am wondering if she told her DM she wanted it or is her DM being difficult for the sake of it.
IMO 10 is a normal age to have a TV in their room.

HairycakeLinehan · 18/04/2019 22:23

Biggest dripfeed award for you OP 🥇

What was the point in the thread and why did you seem to be genuinely questioning yourself if DSD said “off we go to B&Q to mount this bad boy to wall!” ?!

MrsBertBibby · 19/04/2019 06:29

Never mind Linehan. I'm sure OP will know better than to start a thread ever again. What on earth was she thinking?

allnewredfairy · 19/04/2019 06:59

Nice idea but poorly thought through. DSD's mum has behaved badly but her basic point of DSD having a gift with restrictions is quite fair. Present buying for stepchildren can be sooo contentious. I got told off by my DSD's mom for buying mine a doughnut maker as one of her Christmas presents. DSD always enjoyed cooking when she came to ours so I thought it was a suitable gift (that she could take home). Turns out I was trying to kill DSD by encouraging sugar consumption.
Ride it through OP. You're damned if you do or don't in step parentland.

Ihatehashtags · 19/04/2019 07:44

The tv should stay at your place. Tvs are cheap as anything. Tell the tight arse mother to buy one herself!!

HairycakeLinehan · 19/04/2019 09:08

I'm sure OP will know better than to start a thread ever again. What on earth was she thinking?

Quite the exaggeration.
OP started the thread sounding genuinely unsure of DSD had wanted to take it home so people gave their takes on it. Then it turned out DSD had actually asked to have it mounted to the wall so that changes the whole point of the question.

BarrenFieldofFucks · 19/04/2019 09:13

It doesn't, you're just being contrary dickish. She asked whether they were being unreasonable to keep the TV after the mother's message

HairycakeLinehan · 19/04/2019 09:22

But it isn’t about what the OP, the father or the mother wants, this was DSD birthday gift not a tool for pettiness like some of you seem to think.
That’s where the thread is divided, the “my present my rules!” people and those who recognize a gift is something you give (normally selflessly Hmm) for the recipient to enjoy, however they choose to.

UserName31456789 · 19/04/2019 09:23

I would never in a million years have expected her to want to take it to her mum's. What a bizarre idea!!

Why would it be bizarre for a child to want to use their birthday present at the home they spend most of their time at? If you bought her the DVD player specifically for yours that would be different but presumably then you wouldn't give it a s a birthday present. It would be insane to give a birthday present to a child then say "actually you can only use it at my house". The mum's behaviour though was just as bad if not worse.

spreadingchestnuttree · 19/04/2019 09:34

You're happy, it and sounds as if your dsd is happy too. I would completely expect a wall mounted TV to stay in your house and not be taken to your dd's other house. I wouldn't give this another thought.

Surfingtheweb · 19/04/2019 09:35

You should ask DSD where she would like to keep her tv.

AnnieMay100 · 19/04/2019 09:37

I can understand both sides as a single mum with similar set up, you bought her a gift naturally to keep at yours so you see it being used. However she sees you twice a month and a tv would benefit her more in her own bedroom. Her mum had no right to talk to you like that though and if she wanted her dd to have a tv she could have bought her one herself. I think the communication between adults needs work for dd best interests.

Dieu · 19/04/2019 09:38

The mother is a cheeky cow! YANBU.

WhyTho · 19/04/2019 09:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Hanab · 19/04/2019 09:59

Why should presents go home with the recipient in this case? Is she not at home with her dad?

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