Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Birthday present for DSD- should it stay here?

234 replies

neverendingflorist · 18/04/2019 16:14

For my DSD birthday me and my DP got her a TV. She stays with us every other weekend. As it is a TV we planned for it to stay here in our house in her bedroom. DSD seemed really happy with present and didn't ask to take it with her.

When she went home we got a really angry text from her mum saying we are selfish for getting her a TV and making her keep it at our house, that the TV was for our benefit more than DSD as she was only here every other weekend, that she couldn't believe we would do that to her and that she was going to come and collect it to take to her house so DSD could actually use her present.

So were we being unreasonable to do this? Should she take the TV? Really unsure whether we should let her. My gut says no but wanted to get other opinions.

OP posts:
UserName31456789 · 18/04/2019 17:43

Well the mum was very rude and aggressive - she should have politely explained DSD would like to bring her TV with her. Obviously if you give a child a gift though you don't give them conditions o where they keep it. It seems much more natural for DSD to want the TV where she spends most of her time. Otherwise you're just giving the impression you don't want to share your main TV while DSD visits. If that's the case you should have bought DSD a TV for her room without making it a birthday gift.

grumiosmum · 18/04/2019 17:44

The Tv stays at your house. I would have made it clear when I gave it to her.

'Happy Birthday DSD, we've bought you a TV for your room here.'

Simple.

If it had been a rug or a picture, you wouldn't expect her to take it to her other home.

Zucker · 18/04/2019 17:44

So the child was given a gift she can't actually use most of the time. Id imagine the child said it was fine to you both but then changed her mind when she went home. And yes I am saying home as that is where she is for the majority of her time.

Micah · 18/04/2019 17:44

Well I agree with this which is why I wouldn't buy a child a TV in the first place. I would find it a bit odd to buy a TV then tell her she can't put it in whichever bedroom she wants though

Because it’s use will be limited? If it goes home she has access most nights. But a tv at dads house means it’s not normality, just occasional. Especially if the child doesn’t have much in the way of games, dvd’s, toys etc at dads.

CalleighDoodle · 18/04/2019 17:45

vangoughsdog they dont have shared care. he has her four nights a month. he shouldnt want her in her room watching tv during those precious four nights. So realistically, if she spends her time actually with her dad when she is at his and he spends those four days actually engaging with his daughter, the gift becomes a dust trap and nothing more.

NWQM · 18/04/2019 17:45

I think it was for bedroom at yours and that's that. If you'd have brought a trampoline when she was younger or a paddling pool would everyone be saying the same thing?

ILoveMaxiBondi · 18/04/2019 17:46

ahem, no, it's just to clarify between birth mum and step-mum in the context of this thread.

Why would you need to clarify? Who is it here that you think doesn’t understand what the word “mum” means in the context of a mum and step mum family? It’s very obvious what Mum means.

tempester28 · 18/04/2019 17:47

Dsd should decide it is her present. If you don't allow her to take it then it is not really a real gift. However, I do see your expectation she would use it at your house but from a practical point of view she will get more use from it at home and so I could imagine she may be disappointed.

HairycakeLinehan · 18/04/2019 17:47

The tone of some of these posts make me shudder, I can just imagine receiving a gift only to be told gruffly “the TV stays here!” 🤣
Oh, thanks, you really shouldn’t have Confused

Snausage · 18/04/2019 17:47

I don't understand why you and her father didn't ask her if she wanted to take her birthday gift home with her?

My SiL's ex won't let their son take anything from their house home to his mother's. He sees his father every other week, if that, and any clothes/toys/games he's given by anyone while at his father's have to stay there which is absolutely unfair for the kid. Whilst you might not actively have prevented her from taking her gift home, it sounds as if that is what she thought should happen and you presumed would happen. Not cool.

Boofay · 18/04/2019 17:47

It's a TV, not a pair of shoes. It's a thing you buy a kid for their bedroom. Of course it should stay with you, in her bedroom at your house. That's what you bought it for.
She has a life with you guys too.
If her mum wants her to have a tele at her house, she should bloody well buy her one. Kids with two homes/bedrooms have a lot to deal with, having two of certain things is a small perk. I say this as a mum who has children who have two homes/bedrooms.

Should you buy a bed, drawers, dressing table etc for her bedroom at her mum's house too?!?

Alsohuman · 18/04/2019 17:49

When we bought my stepchildren presents they became their property, it would never have occurred to me that they wouldn't take anything we bought them home with them.

M4J4 · 18/04/2019 17:51

YANBU. It's a TV, not a tablet!

If it was a tablet, then it would be fine for DSD to take it home with her.

Stand your ground on this, especially as DSD didn't even ask to take the TV home.

Is there a chance DSD mum would appropriate the TV for her own use?

mclady · 18/04/2019 17:52

A lot of people saying TV should go home. Surely she has two homes, her mother and her fathers. The TV should remain in the home it was bought for.

M4J4 · 18/04/2019 17:52

When we bought my stepchildren presents they became their property, it would never have occurred to me that they wouldn't take anything we bought them home with them.

If you bought them a bed or a wardrobe would you also never occur to you not to let them take it to their mum's home?

And you say let them take it home, but their dad's home is their home too!

Alsohuman · 18/04/2019 17:53

I wouldn't buy them a bed or wardrobe for their birthday. Ridiculous comparison.

timeisnotaline · 18/04/2019 17:54

It’s her birthday present- shouldn’t she be able to choose? If I were her I’d choose the house I lived in most of the time! Frankly her dad only sees her 2 days a fortnight, he should be focused on quality time then not that she can pass those weekends watching tv in her room.

ChicCroissant · 18/04/2019 17:55

I'm not a bitter ex at all VanGogh! Totally wrong there!

What would be a good present - something she can use all the time no matter where she is. What else would it be? A gift you can only use every other weekend doesn't fit that criteria to me. Depends on the age of the DSD as to what she'd like but jewellery would be a good example, or music.

Feel free to crack on with the bitter ex bit though, that is unintentionally brilliant Grin

Babuchak · 18/04/2019 17:55

ILoveMaxiBondi
you have been on MN long enough to know that if you don't clarify exactly what you mean your post and words will be twisted no end.

I am sure you can easily find a thread where people got offended by the term "real mum" or just pretend being confused between "mums" and the pontificating " as a step mum you must take responsibility of the children and their father's home is their real home bladibla"

The OP just tried to do a nice thing, the kid has her own bedroom and is gifted a tv to make it even nicer, how can that turn unpleasant I'll nver know.

WorraLiberty · 18/04/2019 17:56

These threads are always a bit ridiculous without the simple inclusion of the child's age in the opening post.

Is she five or fifteen for example? Confused

daisypond · 18/04/2019 17:57

The TV belongs to the SDS. She chooses. I personally don’t think TVs in the bedroom are a great idea but leaving that aside, I think the tv should go where she spends the vast majority of her time, at her mum’s house. Otherwise it’s a pretty mean gift.

Babuchak · 18/04/2019 17:57

If the father and step-mum buy a king-size bed, expensive curtains, wall paper and beddings and furniture, you wouldn't expect them to end up in the mother's house would you Hmm

Kid has her own bedroom in her dad's house, it's made even nicer and pleasant for her so it's her own despite not spending so much time in it, how can that be bad in any way?

DeRigueurMortis · 18/04/2019 17:57

The issue with saying the TV can be taken to her mothers house it that it sets a dangerous precedent in two regards.

Firstly does that mean every present has to go to her mothers? What does she play with/use for entertainment when with her father?

Secondly you reinforce a message that her mothers is "home". She has two homes and it's not up to her father to furnish both of them.

Yes, she may use some items less if she's not there as often, but it shouldn't mean her bedroom at her fathers is devoid of anything of value because it's all taken to her mothers.

If her mother wants her to have a TV in her room at her house then it's up to her to provide one.

Tbh DH generally tried to side step issues like this by focusing on "portable" presents that DSD could take with her (tablets, hand held games consoles etc), but I appreciate that's not always possible.

Leave the TV where it is imho, not just for the reasons outlined above but also because of how rude the mother has been and the fact that DSD was clearly fine with the arrangement when she received the present.

tempester28 · 18/04/2019 17:57

If it is a Birthday present it should be up to her what she does with it. If you have bought as furniture for her room in your home then it should stay.

I would suggest it is not a sensible birthday present in this scenario.

girlintheglass · 18/04/2019 17:57

My step son is welcome to take anything from our house to his mums if he wanted. But I would draw the line at lugging a TV back and forth. It's part of the furniture in her room at your house. If her mum wants her to have one at her house then she should get her one herself.

Swipe left for the next trending thread