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Original poster

Birthday present for DSD- should it stay here?

234 replies

neverendingflorist · 18/04/2019 16:14

For my DSD birthday me and my DP got her a TV. She stays with us every other weekend. As it is a TV we planned for it to stay here in our house in her bedroom. DSD seemed really happy with present and didn't ask to take it with her.

When she went home we got a really angry text from her mum saying we are selfish for getting her a TV and making her keep it at our house, that the TV was for our benefit more than DSD as she was only here every other weekend, that she couldn't believe we would do that to her and that she was going to come and collect it to take to her house so DSD could actually use her present.

So were we being unreasonable to do this? Should she take the TV? Really unsure whether we should let her. My gut says no but wanted to get other opinions.

OP posts:
reallyanotherone · 18/04/2019 17:18

She needs the TV at 'home' where she spends most of her time

Nobody needs a tv in their bedroom.

I don’t see a problem with it staying at dads. They bought the tv, why shouldn’t the dd get to watch it at their house?

Stepkids often struggle to have enough “stuff” in their second home to make it feel like theirs. It’s often difficult to keep them busy as they don’t have their toys and games.

We bought dsd a games console for our house as she never had anything of her own to do or play with as she wasn’t allowed to bring stuff to ours. I’d have been furious getting a message like that.

doodleygirl · 18/04/2019 17:19

As it’s DSD present I would expect her to choose. I think it’s a bit off getting her a tv she can only watch 2 weekends a month.

I say this as a stepmum who has bought various electronic gifts which are taken to mums house. I have no issue with this as I want the DSC to get maximum use and enjoyment from the gifts.

PotatoesDieInHotCars · 18/04/2019 17:19

How about just mum and step-mum?

If they wanted to give her a TV for her room then they should have bought her a TV for her room. This is a birthday present. Presents go wherever the person wants them to go.

DaisyBD · 18/04/2019 17:20

I assume that as she does not have one there already the mother is not bothered

Or maybe she can't afford one? She's batshit the way she's gone about this, but really a gift shouldn't come with strings, and it should be the dsd's choice about where she keeps her telly. If she doesn't have one at her other home then it makes more sense to keep it there. Insisting it stays in a house where she only spends two days out of every 14 makes it look like her dad and step mum care more about the telly than the daughter.

cliquewhyohwhy · 18/04/2019 17:20

It's not something that can go between houses. Definitely keep it at yours, your home is also her home no matter how much time she spends there. If the mother wants her to have a tv at hers so badly tell her to fork out for one. She is a cheeky bitch for even asking for it tbh!

AyoadesChinDimple · 18/04/2019 17:20

The tv should stay at your house

reallyanotherone · 18/04/2019 17:24

Bet if you’d have bought the telly for her mums house mum would have gone batshit saying tv’s shouldn’t be in bedrooms, she has rules on screentime etc etc.

Ilovetolurk · 18/04/2019 17:24

it feels sad that the parent who hasnt got majority custody is expected to give presents and potentially never see the DC enjoy them

I think the issue here is that this always had potential to be a problematic present.

I think dsd should articulate where her gift should reside but she may not feel able to

EmeraldShamrock · 18/04/2019 17:24

It seems a little unfair to the birthday girl, what is the point of a gift she gets to enjoy every forthnight, let her decide where she wants her TV. I think she'll want it for 12 days rather than 2 each fortnight. Can both parents agree to buying a portable dvd player for visits.

ScreamScreamIceCream · 18/04/2019 17:26

@reallyanotherone agree with you.

OP ignore the mother she sounds like she has a massive chip on her shoulder.

lunar1 · 18/04/2019 17:26

DSD gets to decide where her TV lives.

She only sees her dad 4 days a month, why would he encourage her to spend more of that time in her room?

Honeyroar · 18/04/2019 17:29

The mother is being ridiculous! Of course you don’t carry a tv back and forth between houses! And obviously it’s for her room in her home (the room and home she has with her dad clearly). The mother could get a second hand tv off eBay for peanuts (all our flatscreens are!).

Tell the mother you’re going to buy the child a pony instead- so you presume she’ll be having that at her house too?

EmeraldShamrock · 18/04/2019 17:29

I checked twice, I didn't see SDD's age. Tbf it isn't really a present for a child, something portable maybe.
If you wanted her to have a TV in her room, you should have discussed it with her DM, considering she hasn't one at home.

KylieKoKo · 18/04/2019 17:30

I don't understand this at all. Stuff I buy for dps kids is for them to keep at either place or cart between places as they see fit. Me, their mum and their dad don't comment on it.

Babuchak · 18/04/2019 17:30

blimey, I should have known that anything is deemed offensive these days, even a simple factual neutral term to clarify an answer on a thread.

Micah · 18/04/2019 17:35

I think a child having a tv 4 days a month is much more sensible than her having it at home. It’s hard enough to get kids off screen as it is, i don’t think they should be allowed in bedrooms.

Why is everyone so pro more screentime?

myrtleWilson · 18/04/2019 17:35

the neutral terms on this thread babuchak are mom and step-mom. That is all that was needed.

InceyWinceyette · 18/04/2019 17:37

How big is it?
Why can’t it be taken back and forth with her?

HairycakeLinehan · 18/04/2019 17:37

blimey, I should have known that anything is deemed offensive these days, even a simple factual neutral term to clarify an answer on a thread.

Nah you can’t aul the old PC card on this one. Nobody is offended it’s just ridiculous convoluted “factual term” to pull out instead of just using “mum”

VanGoghsDog · 18/04/2019 17:38

Children with two parents living in different houses with shared care do NOT have a MAIN home. What a horrible concept.

you have - deliberately, I think - bought a gift she can't use very much. If I was buying a gift, I'd want something they could use more often than every other weekend and a TV is something that you'd expect to be used more than that!

So, disregarding your dig at the OP, what exactly, given she is at her dad's alternate weekends could she have that she would use more often?

You can really spot the bitter ex's, can't you!

BottleOfJameson · 18/04/2019 17:38

I don’t see a problem with it staying at dads. They bought the tv, why shouldn’t the dd get to watch it at their house?

Because they bought it as a gift for their DD not for themselves. You don't buy a gift then not allow the recipient to take their gift home!

BottleOfJameson · 18/04/2019 17:39

Children with two parents living in different houses with shared care do NOT have a MAIN home. What a horrible concept.

But OP said that DSD isn't there half the time. I would hope she would still consider her dad's room her home but I doubt she considers it on an equal footing to the place she spends most of her time.

BottleOfJameson · 18/04/2019 17:40

I think a child having a tv 4 days a month is much more sensible than her having it at home. It’s hard enough to get kids off screen as it is, i don’t think they should be allowed in bedrooms.

Well I agree with this which is why I wouldn't buy a child a TV in the first place. I would find it a bit odd to buy a TV then tell her she can't put it in whichever bedroom she wants though!

HairycakeLinehan · 18/04/2019 17:41

Stuff I buy for dps kids is for them to keep at either place or cart between places as they see fit. Me, their mum and their dad don't comment on it.

So refreshing to see such fairness and sense from a SM amongst the sea of childish “your present, your house, your rules” type nonsense!

cfmagnet · 18/04/2019 17:41

As it's her gift, I would say where it goes should be up to DSD.