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Original poster

Birthday present for DSD- should it stay here?

234 replies

neverendingflorist · 18/04/2019 16:14

For my DSD birthday me and my DP got her a TV. She stays with us every other weekend. As it is a TV we planned for it to stay here in our house in her bedroom. DSD seemed really happy with present and didn't ask to take it with her.

When she went home we got a really angry text from her mum saying we are selfish for getting her a TV and making her keep it at our house, that the TV was for our benefit more than DSD as she was only here every other weekend, that she couldn't believe we would do that to her and that she was going to come and collect it to take to her house so DSD could actually use her present.

So were we being unreasonable to do this? Should she take the TV? Really unsure whether we should let her. My gut says no but wanted to get other opinions.

OP posts:
Babuchak · 18/04/2019 17:04

it's neither mean or pointless, it's her dad and step-mum doing a nice thing for her own bedroom and make her home when she comes and visit. Both parents sound lovely, the birth mother far too bitter!

HomeMadeMadness · 18/04/2019 17:05

For my DSD birthday me and my DP got her a TV. She stays with us every other weekend. As it is a TV we planned for it to stay here in our house in her bedroom

Well if you gave it to her as a present for her birthday then you shouldn't have planned where she would keep it! It's her TV now - won't she want to use it 12 out of 14 days a week? If you wanted to furnish the room in your house with a TV you shouldn't have given it to her as a birthday gift. That said the mum shouldn't have been so rude about it.

WatchingFromTheWings · 18/04/2019 17:05

The tv should go wherever the child wants it to be/will get most use out of it. It's her tv. My ExH would give the DC's presents at birthday/Christmas then refuse to let them take them out of his house. Bit pointless when they're only there every other weekend and won't get the use.

He stopped quick enough when I reminded him that the gifts are theirs and all he was doing was upsetting the kids.

Babuchak · 18/04/2019 17:05

HairycakeLinehan
what is it you don't understand?

Missingstreetlife · 18/04/2019 17:06

Don't think tv in bedrooms is good idea, esp for kids (how old?) it will encourage her to spend time away from you and she's not there much, but better than at home where it will distract everyday.
Mother is a cf, presume she gets cm.

HomeMadeMadness · 18/04/2019 17:06

@Babuchak

I think the point is you don't give someone a birthday present but say they can't take it back to their main home - that's not a gift!

HomeMadeMadness · 18/04/2019 17:08

what is it you don't understand?

I also balked at that phrase. The birth mother is a term used for a woman who is only a mother in the sense that she gave birth to a child. Usually when the child has gone on to be adopted. In this case the mother is the child's actual mother - not just a birth mother.

3timeslucky · 18/04/2019 17:08

What does your DSD want to do with it? It you gave it to her then it is her call. If you wanted her to keep it at your house you should have made that clear. (Her mother is still out of order though - it is nothing to do with her).

Ds1's father bought him a PS one year to be kept at his house. DS really resented it because his father used it for a variety of things when he wasn't there and objected to him bringing it here. He always felt it wasn't really bought for him. It was particularly bad because he could have brought it to and fro - which your DSD obviously can't with the TV.

RainbowWaffles · 18/04/2019 17:09

It should go wherever DSD wants it as it’s her gift. I would wager she would prefer to have it in her home where she spends most of her time rather than at yours for occasional use. Did you ask her or did you give her the impression it was to stay at your house? A gift should come without strings.

BlueMerchant · 18/04/2019 17:09

She needs the TV at 'home' where she spends most of her time.
Surely if she's only at your house every other weekend you'll be busy doing things together and enjoying your time and she won't be holed up in her room watching the TV anyway.

HairycakeLinehan · 18/04/2019 17:09

@Babuchak I’m confused as to why the mother is being called “the birth mother”? She’s just “the mother” surely? Or is it some attempt to lessen her role?

HolesinTheSoles · 18/04/2019 17:10

I agree with PP - you gave her a gift so it's her choice where she keeps it. The mum sounds very rude but it's likely DD went home and was upset that she couldn't bring her birthday present home with her but didn't have the guts to say it.

Aarghhelpplease · 18/04/2019 17:11

Where does the step daughter want it to be kept? As it’s her gift I would say it’s surely her decision. I know she hasn’t expressed anything so far but just ask and see what she says.

Chloemol · 18/04/2019 17:12

Your present to her, your house. If her mum wants her to have one at her house then she can get her one. I assume that as she does not have one there already the mother is not bothered

FrustratedTeddyLamp · 18/04/2019 17:12

I can imagine a lot of responses are those of mothers who arent with the childs dad and have the majority care of the child, to me it feels sad that the parent who hasnt got majority custody is expected to give presents and potentially never see the DC enjoy them.

Babuchak · 18/04/2019 17:13

I’m confused as to why the mother is being called “the birth mother”? She’s just “the mother” surely? Or is it some attempt to lessen her role?

ConfusedConfusedConfused

ahem, no, it's just to clarify between birth mum and step-mum in the context of this thread. I would have never thought that a birth mother could be an expression offensive to some people to be honest, I am the birth mother of my children, what's wrong with that!

It seems more neutral than saying a real mum, just a factual "birth mum"

FrustratedTeddyLamp · 18/04/2019 17:14

And think its a cop out asking the DD as with most presents 9/10 theyll choose the option with most access

BottleOfJameson · 18/04/2019 17:14

Why did you think DSD would want to keep her TV at your house? It seems to make more sense to take it home with her. I think DSD's mum (not birth mum!) should have politely explained DSD would prefer her TV to be kept at her main house if that's the case. Then obviously you shouldn't object to DSD keeping her birthday gift wherever she'd like to keep it.

HairycakeLinehan · 18/04/2019 17:14

Your present to her, your house. If her mum wants her to have one at her house then she can get her one. I assume that as she does not have one there already the mother is not bothered

What about where the child wants to keep her gift?
Ugh this kind of pettiness is so tasteless Envy

BottleOfJameson · 18/04/2019 17:15

@Babuchak

Like PP said a birth mum is someone who gave birth to a child and nothing more. OP is the step mum and the DSD's daughter is her mum no need to clarify at all.

CalleighDoodle · 18/04/2019 17:17

i agree with about half of pps!

Bit of a shit gift if it has to stay somewhere other than her actual home hmm

if you had dsd 50% of the time, or even every weekend, then i would agree it stays with you, but your dp has his daughter 2/14 nights is a bit shit in itself, but the gift would only be able to be used a tiny fraction of a year!

it isnt a gift if she cannot use it. and for 12/14 days, she has no access to it at all. shit gift with a lack of thinking it through.

HairycakeLinehan · 18/04/2019 17:17

@Babuchak the clue thy helps you differentiate is “step”

Birth mum is most commonly used for the mother of adopted children, often they only meet them in later life if at all. This mother has her child 86% of the time.
It is a vile term in this instance.

BottleOfJameson · 18/04/2019 17:17

Your present to her, your house. If her mum wants her to have one at her house then she can get her one. I assume that as she does not have one there already the mother is not bothered

Errrr no that's not how gifts work. It's the DSD's gift she has it where she wants it because it's now her TV. If you want a TV for her room at your house buy one but don't give it as a present.

7yo7yo · 18/04/2019 17:18

If she had been pleasant and explained why it should go to her house i May have agreed but she’s been an obnoxious twat and I’d like to see her try and collect it.

sue51 · 18/04/2019 17:18

If she's only with you 2 days a fortnight, she doesn't get much use out of her tv. I would let dsd decide where to keep it. It might be a good idea to consult with her mother about large gifts in future.

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